Wednesday, February 27, 2019

EVE Online New Player Guide, Part 4

Previously, on MinerBumping... EVE rejoiced at the creation of a much-needed guide for new players.

Lesson #12. Don't let people stop you from having fun in EVE.

You'd think this lesson would be unnecessary. EVE Online is a game--who would want to stop you from having fun in a game? The answer, actually, is that a lot of people would. It's unfortunate but true. As soon as you jump into the EVE galaxy, you'll be practically besieged by people who seem to want nothing more than to stop you from enjoying the game. My goodness, CCP introduced whole mechanics into the game aimed at that very purpose.

Don't get me started on all of the nerfs to highsec fun that CCP has implemented over the years.

It's not just CCP, though; it's the players. More specifically, it's the carebears. They say they don't enjoy PvP--and they're certainly not skilled at spaceship combat--but those who do the most to ruin other people's EVE experience are carebears. They're miserable (even when AFK, I suspect), and they want you to be miserable, too.

The carebears prey on new players like you. They claim to want to protect you. From whom? The gankers? A ganker might destroy one of your ships. The carebear will destroy your will to play EVE--if you let him. Carebears do this by encouraging new players to engage in the most unpleasant, mind-numbing aspects of the game. They'll tell you it's not so bad, but look to their own actions: They maximize the time they spend AFK and, frankly, many of them use bots so they can avoid engaging in their chosen professions entirely.

The worst are the carebears who organize themselves into PvE-oriented corporations or alliances. "We do a little of everything in this corp," they claim. It's a lie. All they do is grind isk--the more automated/AFK, the better. The paltry isk to be gained from this futile pursuit is their only reward. And they want you to have it even worse, by taxing you and by insisting that you sell them ore at below-market prices. They provide you with nothing in return, all while insisting that they have excellent leadership skills. If the corp/alliance is wardeccable, they'll display those leadership skills: "Everyone stay docked up and the enemy will get bored and go away after a week or two." Then they blame the wardec mechanics for the failure of this strategy. Naturally.

The madness of these carebears can be proven, objectively, with some basic math. It takes 500 units of PLEX to pay for a month's subscription to EVE. Jita is currently selling each unit of PLEX for around 3.85 million isk, so that's a bit less than 2 billion. In American currency, the cost of a month's subscription ranges between $10.95 to $14.95 per month, depending on your pricing plan. So how many hours does it take a Retriever pilot mining Veldspar in highsec to earn eleven bucks? You can see where I'm going with this: Highsec is full of carebears grinding isk at a rate of pennies per hour. Far, far below minimum wage. PvE corps should be outlawed; they kind of already are.

This might be explained away, if the carebears actually enjoyed what they do. But they don't. They avoid the actual act of PvE'ing as much as possible--even to the point of violating the EULA. Everything they do, they do for the isk. Which they spend on... blingier mining ships? Thanks to restrictions on RMT, they can't even say they're doing it for a little extra RL money. So they're doing something they don't enjoy, to accumulate small amounts of something they can't really use. No wonder they're miserable. No wonder they always happen to be in a bad mood when they get ganked.

And, new player, they want you to be just like them.

Shoot them instead.

Lesson #13. Agents of the New Order are agents of mercy.

The rebellious highsec miner, in his cold, dead heart, scoffs: "You're right. People do try to stop you from having fun in this game--the gankers. Your Agents want to tell us what to do. They don't let us enjoy the game how we choose."

Filthy, misguided carebear.

Agents play EVE as it was intended. They shoot spaceships in a spaceship-shooting game. Even better, they do it with style--better than anyone else. The highsec carebear is like the fellow who attempts to have "fun" by admiring a landscape in Call of Duty and gets surprised when bullets are volleyed his way. Simply put, the sightseer isn't playing the game correctly.

Likewise, the AFK miner isn't playing EVE correctly, and the death of his Retriever is a natural, desirable outcome. Our Agents teach people how EVE is supposed to be played, and they teach by example. Mercifully, they freely share their wisdom, making it available to all.

"I don't care," sneers the miner. "I only want to mine."

If you don't like the Code, go to nullsec. Go live in a wormhole. Why are you surprised when someone enforces the Code in highsec?

"I shouldn't have to obey the Code. Highsec is a sandbox."

No, you poor, deluded carebear. EVE may be a sandbox, but highsec is a Codebox.

To be continued...


  1. I'm mining come find me.

    Except Rist Ozuwara, he got killed.

    Happy hunting

    1. I'm ganking come stop me.

      Ohh wait.

    2. I thought that was AG's job.

      Oh wait they ain't "saved" me either.

      Happy hunting

  2. This past weekend I did lots of mining in various high security systems, all while catching up on the latest 3-4 seasons of Game of Thrones. Not a chode. slave to be seen. They truly are irrelevant to the vast majority of EO denizens. And Jamey's tear-filled whining about not playing the game "his way" is just proof of that.

    1. Dude, are you ok?

    2. "And Jamey's tear-filled whining about not playing the game "his way" is just proof of that."

      What are you even talking about? You are welcome to keep playing your way. But your continued posting here is proof that we have and continue to be relevant. So that ends that debate nice and tidy.

      What James doesn't know is that deep down, I'm a BAD agent. I don't care if you choose not follow the Code. I will kill you. So don't follow the Code. I can't wait to see your little ship blown up in a million pieces...

      ...and if not you exactly then every single miner I kill is you, by proxy.

      So keep posting anonymously, coward. You are the driving force that keeps me logging in and blasting every carebear I can find. That's carebear blood on YOUR sad greedy little hands.

      You know who else use to troll anonymously? Butthurt Miner. And we ALL know how that ended.

    3. I agree, everytime I read the crude vulgar statements from CHODEanon, it motivates me to go shoot another miner.

    4. As relevant as a target can be i guess.

      Stay mad and keep exploding.

  3. Great feedback from my workplace forum posts.

    Welcome to all new readers of minerbumping and EVE online.

    Have fun popping internet spaceships.

  4. Part 1 is about Narcissism and stuff
    Part 2 is justification for the Narcissism
    Part 3 tells you to be a Narcissist yourself while being "humble" to the ultimate Narcissist
    Part 4 is just ranting to those who oppose Narcissism

    1. The new age miner learns all these buzzwords and more to make themselves out to be intellectual.

      Reality is they are lifes failures and have made a subject out of it at university.

      Can you say unemployable miner?

    2. Lets explore your claim, by examining some common traits of narcissism:

      "An exaggerated sense of self-importance"
      The Saviour is vital to the survival of EVE - the same EVE that keeps CCP staff actively employed. His importance is therefore fully justified.

      "Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration"
      Nearly all of The Saviour's blog is dedicated towards the achievements of his Agents. He was democratically elected as the Supreme Protector of Highsec - which makes him entitled to rule over said region.

      "Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it"
      His remarkable achievements do warrant it.

      "Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance"
      These are not fantasises - the Father of Highsec possesses all of these qualities in abundance.

      "Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior"
      Highsec miners are inferior. This is an accepted fact.

      "Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others"
      Miners do not deserve to have their feelings recognised, because they aspire to be like bots.

      "Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office"
      The Supreme Protector is a river unto his people. Everything he owns, he gives away.

      I feel that you have misdiagnosed James 315. That you are in-fact a fraud. Or worse - a sorcerer, a medicine man! Since you are a witch, you should be burned alive. In-game, I suppose.

    3. Praise James! \o/

    4. Praise James! \o/

    5. A witch! A witch!

  5. A highsec Retriever pilot needs to toil 5 days a week in 10 hours shifts to afford 500 PLEX each month, which puts his hourly wage at 5½¢. And that's not counting the cut his tyrant mining CEO will take. Oof.

    1. Wow.

      The joke clearly is on chodeanon.

      What a povo, my dog has a larger earning potential than a James 315 territory miner.

    2. 5 million isk/hr sounds pretty good, until your realize its just 5 cents an hour. :(

    3. Currently to afford the 500 plex to continue playing as omega the miner would need to earn 134 million isk per day for a 30 day month.

    4. "A highsec Retriever pilot needs to toil 5 days a week in 10 hours shifts to afford 500 PLEX each month,"

      I guess matters only if you pay your EO subscription with PLEX. Those of us with successful RL careers and disposable income don't have to use PLEX, unlike Jamey's chode. slaves toiling away in their mother's basement, ganking for scraps of ISK. Or more likely the hypocritical act of having a legion of AFK mining alts.

    5. You say this like paying $15 a month to mine in high sec makes any rational sense to anyone.

    6. EO wouldn't exist if legions of individuals were not paying $15 a month to mine, and engage in other in game activities. It is only the poor chode. slaves, jobless and living in their mother's basements, who must mindlessly collect the ISK every month to pay to their addiction.


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