Saturday, February 29, 2020

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #204

Time for another edition of the Highsec Miner Grab Bag!

I say it often because it's true: Agents of the New Order are the rock stars of EVE.

...And EVE's saints, too.

Highsec miners, on the other hand, are decidedly non-saints. And for all the time they spend hanging around asteroid belts, they're not rock stars, either.

To be an effective Code enforcer, you need to be a good fact-checker. Miners are constantly spraying their lies across highsec.

Truth does not come naturally to the highsec miner--yet another reason they need the Code so badly.

The pro-carebear critics out there accuse our Agents of "harvesting tears". You know how our Agents go about harvesting tears? They tell the truth.

I'll just leave this here:
New Order Bathroom Protocol

If you listen to the miners, you'd think spaceship combat wasn't meant to be a feature of this game. Do they think PvP is caused by some sort of bug?

"Wanted to make some money..." Remember when video games were about having a good time? If not for our Agents, no one in EVE would have any fun.

Our Agent is correct. I've been telling miners for years to wash their hands. From the New Order Bathroom Protocol, linked earlier:
1. Miners must thoroughly wash both of their hands with soap and water immediately after using the bathroom (and before returning to their keyboard).

2. When an Agent asks a miner whether he washed his hands, the miner must answer the question truthfully.

3. When an Agent asks a miner whether he washed his hands, the miner isn't allowed to act all offended.
There's a rumor going around that the coronavirus was originally spread by highsec miners who didn't wash their hands. I don't know if that's the full story, but it's a very interesting rumor and it lines up with a lot of things.

Follow the Code, folks. It could save your life as well as your ship.

Time flows differently in the mind of the highsec miner. According to Gram Grey, the loss of his Covetor set him back 5-6 months. But he also claims that he started the game only a few days ago. How long did it take to earn the isk for his Covetor, I wonder?

Apparently it's a crime to ruin CCP. I wonder how many devs are on the run from Interpol these days? Surely FozzieSov has to have gotten some people on a watchlist.

Friday, February 28, 2020

Gankers Are Classy

There are miners in highsec who, for no good reason, harbor terrible grudges against the mighty CODE. alliance.

Valen Artwik was one of those miners.

Carebears are known for being silent and AFK most of the time. But it's not uncommon for an angry carebear to swing to the other extreme--to make a spectacle of himself in local chat. This, too, is a violation of the Code.

Agent Aiko Danuja was alerted to an ongoing disturbance in a nearby highsec system. There she found Valens Artwik. The miner was totally out of control.

With barely a word passing between the two, Valens had already decided that he didn't like Agent Aiko. He prejudged her. The bigot!

Valen hated everyone who engaged in highsec PvP. In his mind, only the most evil men and women would dare to shoot a spaceship in a spaceship-shooting game. Especially if the spaceship belonged to him.

The miner made the mistake of engaging in a little debate with our Agent. He lost. Whatever it is that miners do while they're AFK, it obviously doesn't develop their minds.

Valen also had a vendetta against Goonswarm Federation. But after dealing with members of CODE., he was more appreciative of the classy Goons. Agents of the New Order often hear such sentiments. The Goons enjoy a much better reputation in the Code era, it seems.

Aiko tried to extract a kind word from Valen, but the miner was too tightfisted to let one go. Valen was not a fun person to be around.

With his anti-Code rant already well underway, Valen suddenly announced that he would not behave like a fool. Easier said than done.

As a last resort, Aiko name-dropped the Saviour of Highsec. This immediately caused the miner to rage-quit. The act confirmed what Aiko already suspected: The miner was a Goofus. Carebears of highsec, there is no peace to be found in the asteroid belts. Try the Code instead.

Thursday, February 27, 2020

Forbidden Knowledge, Part 3

Previously, on MinerBumping... Silent Company's "Highsec Lobby" inspired Anti-Ganker Knowledgeminer to engage in some selective Pro-Ganking activities.

Knowledgeminer accompanied Agent Lewak to a system with a large population of Silent Company miners. When they learned of Knowledgeminer's new policy toward their alliance, they reacted poorly.

In the blink of an eye, the miners behaved as though Knowledgeminer's long history with Anti-Ganking was meaningless.

We should not be surprised by the speed with which miners turn against their former friends. Bot-aspirants only care about money--and their ability to grind it AFK without risk.

Knowledgeminer's years of goodwill evaporated. The unruly carebears barked at him in local as if he were a member of the mighty CODE. alliance.

Then came the threats: All of highsec minerdom could rise up and take revenge against Knowledgeminer.

Unfortunately for Silent Company, Knowledgeminer witnessed countless empty threats being made against the New Order. So he saw no reason to believe there was any danger to himself.

Agent Lewak watched with interest as events unfolded. He knew that everyone in local would benefit from the Code. But he also knew that only the wisest would take him up on the offer.

Alas, Silent Company was home to thousands of miners with an inexplicable hatred for all forms of highsec PvP. There were very few potential Agents to be found in that alliance.

Nevertheless, everyone in Silent Company was obligated to obey the Code in its entirety. Enforcement actions would continue.

With a known member of CODE. in local, Silent Company's miners had no choice but to dock up and wait out the storm.

Knowledgeminer had hoped to make the miners see reason. But if anything, they were only getting dumber.

To be continued...

Wednesday, February 26, 2020

Forbidden Knowledge, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... Silent Company spokesman Sabus Narian formed the "Highsec Lobby" in order to pressure CCP into vastly increasing the isk rewards of highsec carebearing--all while reducing its risks. Sabus' movement drew the ire of Anti-Ganker Knowledgeminer, who felt the carebears had finally gone too far.

Knowledgeminer is known by many of the miners of highsec; they appreciate his years of loyalty to the Anti-Ganking movement. But something had changed.

The more he thought about it, the more Knowledgeminer came to the conclusion that Silent Company and its so-called "lobbying" was bad for highsec. It wasn't enough merely to withhold his Anti-Ganking services from Silent Company miners...

...He decided to help gank them, too.

Highsec Lobby founder Sabus Narian first learned of Knowledgeminer's dissent on the official EVE forums. Unsurprisingly, Sabus refused to address Knowledgeminer's objections in a mature, reasonable manner. So the debate would need to be decided in the asteroid belts and ice anomalies of highsec.

The transition from Anti-Ganker to part-time ganker was not one that Knowledgeminer made lightly. He knew plenty of miners in Silent Company, and he wanted them to know why he'd been forced to turn against them.

Knowledgeminer knew that Alsottobier, a system in the Sinq Laison region, was home to a nest of Silent Company miners. He met up with Agent Lewak and they traveled together to the system.

This would be the first in-game test of Knowledgeminer's new mission to oppose what Silent Company was doing. The immediate reaction of the miners was a feeling of shock and betrayal.

In contrast to many other Anti-Gankers, Knowledgeminer had never bought into the "Ganking Is Bullying" movement that took root among the anti-Code rebels early on.

However, the Ganking Is Bullying nonsense was widespread among the miners of Silent Company. Now, acting as a ganker himself, Knowledgeminer was forced to confront it.

Normal, well-adjusted people have no difficulty obeying the Code. Broken people, on the other hand, tend to need plenty of encouragement and coercion in order to succeed in achieving Code-compliance. If you want to help a bot-aspirant miner obey the Code, you're probably going to need to deal with some of his real-life "issues", too.

...And some of the worst miners in highsec are members of Silent Company.

To be continued...

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

The Best Revenge, Part 43

Previously, on MinerBumping... An anonymous stranger tipped off aiva naali, who was amazed to find a long-running MinerBumping series about himself. Yet aiva was unsure of what to do with this new information.

Thus far, aiva seemed willing to return to the activities in which he found the most satisfaction. Agent Aiko Danuja, too, was eager to get things back to business as usual.

Before long, aiva started acting like his old self. Underneath the surface, however, he was plagued by doubts about scams and MinerBumping posts. One way or another, aiva wanted the whole mess to be resolved.

Luckily, aiva's council included high-ranking members of the Imperium who had contacts within the Imperium's Corps Diplomatique. It turned out that they were the ones behind the MinerBumping fiasco.

It occurred to aiva that not too long ago, he had accidentally leaked information about his superweapons in a public channel. To deal with the problem, aiva turned things to his advantage by using his "leaks" as an elaborate smokescreen to deceive Pandemic Horde. And that's exactly what was going on with the MinerBumping posts.

The Corps Diplomatique worked hand-in-hand with the Imperium's propaganda department. aiva was interested in a more flattering portrayal of himself on MinerBumping, but writers are not easily moved.

The Imperium's propaganda machine worked hard to present aiva as a fool who knew nothing about EVE game mechanics. But this was an illusion designed to put the Imperium's enemies at ease--much the same way The Mittani had been portrayed as a decadent emperor during the Casino War.

Initially, aiva claimed that he'd stumbled upon the MinerBumping series by randomly googling for the name of his previously biomassed character...

...But he soon admitted that he'd been tipped off by an informant who had sold him the info.

Nevertheless, aiva was cagey with the details. It was clear that he did not yet fully trust his colleagues.

Over time, aiva came around to the idea of being presented to the world as a hopeless dupe. No one would suspect what he was really like.

With his confidence in his council restored, aiva got ready to take things to the next level. He had a plan that was so ambitious that it could only be authorized by the leader of the Imperium himself.

Said plan, of course, would rely heavily on aiva's unique abilities as the puppeteering mastermind of EVE.

aiva's colleagues felt he was almost ready for a private meeting with The Mittani. But first, aiva needed to demonstrate that he had faith in them.

Full faith.

To be continued...