Friday, December 15, 2017

Bot-Aspirancy Is a Helluva Drug

Kazarax was having a rough day. He lost a Procurer while mining in a wormhole, so he retired to highsec, where he thought it was perfectly safe to mine in a yield-fit Hulk.

...He thought wrong. Agent Piz Caldera spotted the miner in the Balle system and destroyed his 411 million isk Hulk.

Despite playing EVE since 2010, Kazarax knew little about the game. He couldn't imagine what would motivate someone to gank a Hulk.

The answer, of course, is the Code. Piz Caldera has been a Code enforcement Agent for a long time. After dealing with so many miners like Kazarax, he's developed a very thick skin.

From the beginning, Kazarax's thoughts were disorganized and erratic. He simultaneously wanted Agent Piz to go away and come back.

Our hero gave Kazarax a link to the Code. Maybe that would help focus the miner's mind, such as it was.

Piz grew alarmed. This miner wasn't calming down. If anything, he was heating up.

You know how miners complain about being defenseless--"ships that can't shoot back" and all that jazz? Kazarax put that nonsense to rest. He admitted that his mining ship was armed with attack drones. In fact, Kazarax felt the odds had been in his favor. He lost anyway, though. Like so many other miners, he forgot to factor in the Code.

Let this be a lesson not to negotiate when your emotions are out of control. Kazarax bid his reimbursement request down from 300 million to 250 million, on a ship worth 411 million.

The usual methods of dealing with a crazy miner--which are normally so effective--didn't seem to work on Kazarax. He again asked Piz to go away and come back.

Deprived of his bot-aspirant isk-grinding fix, the miner ranted and raved like an addict.

By this point, Agent Piz doubted whether the miner could be reasoned with. Still, it was his duty to keep the carebear apprised of the dire consequences of his actions.

The scatterbrained miner drifted aimlessly in his bot-aspirant haze. Who can hope to guide someone like this to the safety and joy of Code-compliance?

Agent Piz could only shake his head and move on to the next miner, one more capable of being helped. Kazarax was in a fog and wasn't coming out any time soon. But Piz didn't leave without first giving the pitiable carebear a parting gift:

Kazarax was marked with a 315,315 isk bounty. One can only hope that the next Agent will have better luck with him.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Stranger Than Fictions, Part 3

Previously, on MinerBumping... Highsec miner Fictions spiraled out of control after being bountied by Agent Yucie Van Burean. When Fictions declared war against her corp, it backfired. Later, Fictions was suicide ganked, and Agent Karak Terrel offered to sell him a permit. Fictions vowed to execute an elaborate revenge plot.

Fictions' master plan was to go to the EVE forums and place a bounty of his own. Though Fictions eventually removed the original post in the thread, the text was as follows:
Offer 5mill isk reward for each code member killed stop the bullies and Herrasment

Hello fellow eve players

in real life ive been bullied and harrased thats why in a game i dont, pvp are friendly to who need help

lots of people who play the game have there problems in highsec with bullies like the code

i pay each kill of any code member 5 mill and ask all high sec corporations to make a stand and fight these people who think they can ruin our game to declare war on them and show them unity together we can kill them with there license to mine sigh...

The mighty CODE. alliance faced an unparalleled threat: Thanks to Fictions' public bounty offer, it was open season on the CODE. And it didn't take long for someone to claim one of the bounties:

Agent Pod-Goo Repoman scored a sweet kill against Agent Aaaarrgg's rookie ship, which was being CONCORDed. The Anti-Gankers were doubtless green with envy.

Fictions carefully vetted the bounty claim. Unfortunately, he chose to discriminate against Pod-Goo based solely on the Agent's affiliation with CODE.

The miner was discouraged by the fact that only CODE. members were claiming the bounties. He had to make a more enticing offer.

Meanwhile, things weren't looking good for Fictions' corp. He wardecced Agent Karak's corp, only to have the courageous Agent set the war to mutual. And the much-hated The Marmite Collective took a renewed interest in the carebear.

Fictions put on a brave face. At least he was in a target-rich environment.

The miner found the EVE forums to be unexpectedly hostile. People were more interested in his history of making real-life death threats than in his offer to pay people to kill CODE.

Fictions continued to defend himself against a rising tide of criticism. Where were all of the pro-carebear voices? Maybe they were still trying to post on the old forums.

The miner was disgusted by the fact that no one seemed interested in killing CODE. members, even for pay. His master plan was a big flop. Time for Plan B.

Plan B consisted of Fictions threatening to quit the game. If people thought he wasn't playing EVE anymore, maybe they'd leave him to mine and mission in peace.

Although Fictions told everyone he was leaving, he couldn't resist the temptation to continue spreading his vile, bot-aspirant philosophy. Agent Karak, who still had a mutual war against Fictions' corp, went hunting--just in case the carebear was still active.

Karak discovered Fictions hiding in a 1.0 security system. The carebear's capacitor-tanked Navy Raven was no match for the Code. Fictions spent the night replaying the battle in his mind over and over, trying to figure out what went wrong.

Finally, Fictions had a revelation: The only reason he lost the battle was because Karak was being remote-repped by a cloaked ship! That was obviously against the rules, so Fictions filed a petition to report Karak for hacking.

Our hero vigorously denied the accusations. Though Karak had indeed made use of an overpowered game mechanic, it was the Code, not a hack.

The next day, CCP closed Fictions' frivolous petition. Outraged by the injustice, the miner decided it was time to go. Fictions and his alts dropped corp.

Fictions announced his retirement from EVE, a game he'd played since 2006. Highsec had changed a lot since the miner had started playing. Regardless of what Fictions said, there's still a chance that he might return to the game. Our Agents remain ever vigilant.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Stranger Than Fictions, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... All Agent Yucie Van Burean did was put a friendly 315,315 isk bounty on Fictions, but the carebear overreacted. In his fury, he declared war against Yucie's small corporation. To Fictions' horror, this resulted in The Marmite Collective joining as an ally. The carebear recoiled, accusing Yucie of bullying him by allowing him to wardec her corp.

Yucie's corp, Vanks, chalked up some victories against Fictions' corp during the week of war. All Yucie had to do was sit back and let the Marmites do their thing. After the war was over, Fictions went quiet. He didn't want to get his corp into any more trouble.

Though Fictions was a 2006 character, he loved to spend his time mining in highsec. Despite his earlier encounter with Agent Yucie, Fictions still didn't own a mining permit. Eventually, his misdeeds caught up with him.

Between his pod and his Hulk, Fictions lost over a billion isk.

The gankers in question were Agents Alyth Nerun and Ima Wreckyou. Fictions received a termination notice from Karak Terrel, a member of Alyth's corp. Karak was extremely polite and diplomatic about the whole thing. Now it was time for Fictions to prove he could do the same:

Alas, the miner was a Goofus.

Speaking personally, I rarely have positive interactions with people who say "FUCK YOU FUCK YOU." But Agent Karak wasn't afraid to help Fictions join the New Order family.

Once again, Fictions demonstrated his casual attitude about the EULA's restrictions on real-life death threats.

It became clear that Fictions still had unresolved emotional issues stemming from the Yucie/Marmite incident of the previous month.

The miner hadn't learned his lesson. He declared war against the mighty CODE. alliance. This time, though, he warned our heroes not to involve the Marmites.

Agent Karak brushed off the wardec threat and ad-libbed a reply. He assumed that a carebear like Fictions didn't have any teeth.

But Fictions didn't intend to stop with a mere wardec. In fact, he was about to unfurl a multifaceted master plan to get vengeance against CODE. This was only the beginning.

To be continued...

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Stranger Than Fictions, Part 1

Spreading joy and content--it's the New Order way.

Agent Yucie Van Burean enjoys the social aspect of EVE. She loves meeting people and making new friends. One way to break the ice is to gank; another is to bump. Yucie also employs another common method to greet unfamiliar faces: She places the mark of 315 on them.

Yucie placed a bounty of 315,315 isk on Fictions, a stranger whom she judged to be a highsec carebear. Fictions didn't like it. Not one bit.

Yucie was taken aback by Fictions' extreme reaction. After all, it was just a friendly bounty. She politely informed the 2006 character that bounties cannot be retracted. And she made it perfectly clear that she was not intimidated by the threat of war. Our Agents love to shoot ships that can shoot back.

Fictions and Yucie both belonged to small corporations. Yucie was a member of Vanks; Fictions' corp was called Kid's. Despite Yucie's admirable attempt at diplomacy, the two corps were sliding toward war.

Fictions ratcheted up his rhetoric from "hostile" to "EULA-bending". The die was cast. Fictions declared war on Yucie's corp.

As I said earlier, Yucie enjoys spreading fun. Wardecs often provide opportunities for spreading fun and content to a large number of people. Yucie cautioned Fictions that her friendship with the mighty CODE. alliance meant that the conflict was likely to spread.

Fictions was aware of the CODE. issue. He resolved to go on the offensive and declare war against CODE., too. Perhaps Fictions realized that CODE. primarily consists of gankers, not wardeccers. What the carebear didn't count on was the fact that Yucie was also on friendly terms with The Marmite Collective, whose specialty is engaging in highsec wardecs. And within minutes, the Marmites chose to join the war as Yucie's ally.

To put it mildly, Fictions was displeased to learn that he'd unintentionally gotten his corporation involved in a war with the Marmites. Apparently the carebear never considered that CCP's pro-defender wardec mechanics might backfire on him.

It's a sorry carebear who starts a war and calls himself a martyr. Yucie didn't let Fictions get away with it. But that didn't stop him from writing a self-justifying reply:

Fictions had gone from hawk to dove in record time. Yucie observed that this miner was one of the most pathetic she'd seen. Still, things could get worse for Fictions. A lot worse.

Our Agents are known for having an extraordinary capacity for compassion, and Yucie is no exception. She'd already tried to warn the carebear against hurting himself, but he hadn't listened. Now she had to warn him again. If he persisted, Fictions could find himself walking down a very dark path indeed.

To be continued...