Wednesday, April 30, 2014

The Battle of Finanar

I've often said that a suicide gank, or any other such action taken in highsec, becomes a revolutionary act when done in the name of the Code.

We are transforming highsec. We shouldn't lose sight of the fact that every day in highsec is an extraordinary day. Those who lived in highsec before the New Order know exactly what I'm talking about.

An elite unit of New Order Agents was busy transforming the Finanar system when they encountered resistance. Much of that resistance took the form of illegal mining performed by Retriever pilots. They assumed they were living in the old highsec. Our Agents speedily brought them up to date.

The incredible truth is that a small, well-trained group of Agents--absolutely committed to the Code--can win a battle against bot-aspirants even when horrifically outnumbered.

Here's where things get interesting. Seeing the effectiveness of a New Order team, the rebels decided to fleet up for some teamwork of their own. Agent Lamar Jackson was in a Vagabond. Against him were a Tornado, a Rapier, and a Drake Navy Issue. Because Lamar had looted from a carebear's wreck, he was freely attackable by all. By the traditional laws of EVE, Lamar was toast. There was no way he could win this 3v1 fight. But Agents of the New Order don't follow the traditional laws of EVE. They follow the Code.

BLAP! went the Tornado.

BLAP! went the pricey Rapier.

And finally, BLAP! went the Drake Navy Issue. Agent Fap Angel switched into a Stabber and continually bumped the DNI away from the station, preventing it from making its panic-driven re-dock. The New Order's extraordinary victory proved that it is just as capable of killing PvP ships as untanked AFK miners. So much for "you only shoot ships who can't shoot back".

MinerBumping frequently debunks the myth that our Agents only shoot ships who can't shoot back. Having witnessed our heroic Vagabond pilot win the battle, how would the carebears react? Would they give credit where credit was due, or would they remain stuck in their bot-aspirant subroutines, unable to process a reality they weren't programmed for with Miner Bingo quotes? Resident carebear Slappy Andven provided the answer.
Gunnar Andersen > theyre too scared to leave station anyway
Slappy Andven > SolusLunes shooting at defenseless miners proves you're a pedo.
Lamar Jackson > Kill: SolidHadden (Tornado) Kill: Kilorion XII (Rapier) Kill: Kilorion XII (Capsule) Kill: Caldar 1 (Drake Navy Issue) Interfering with an Agent of the New Order is a serious offense.
Slappy Andven > Lamar Jackson sniffing James's buttocks like this is disgusting. You should get a life.
Slappy Andven > I'm sorry that both of you have penises so small that you can't shoot at someone who will shoot back. Such a shame.
Ironically, at the very moment the battle was wrapping up, Slappy was accusing the New Order of "shooting at defenseless miners". Then, just moments after seeing the killmails of the Tornado, Rapier, and DNI, Slappy still went ahead with the carebear cliché. Remarkable!
Lamar Jackson > Sir, they shot first.
Slappy Andven > At the rocks?
Lamar Jackson > No, no, the Tornado/Rapier/Navy Drake
Fap Angel > "That won't shoot back"
Fap Angel > I don't know
Fap Angel > Pretty sure I saw them all shooting FIRST
Slappy Andven > So, you shot first, went flashy, and then they tried to pop you? Sounds legit to me.
Slappy was unable to handle the truth. He was frozen in the denial state, unable to cope with modern highsec. He was only a few steps ahead of the people who say the New Order doesn't exist, that I have no Agents, and that no one enforces the Code.
SolusLunes > Kill: Sheo g'Orath (Hulk) Unlicensed belt mining is as much a crime as unlicensed ice mining.
Sheo g'Orath > I don't need a license from Cuntswarm.
Sheo g'Orath > FU dork
SolusLunes > Abusive language against agents does nothing to help your situation.
SolusLunes > You've already got one infraction, and you want to continue to pile on?
Yet the transformation continues anyway. Denialists can refuse to see the changes we make, but they can't stop them.
Morathi Sulephet > there is no code
Slappy Andven > The code says you're a pedo, and your mother dresses you funny.
Slappy Andven > It also says James 314 sucks teh gay cock.
Fap Angel > Are you a homophobe?
Lamar Jackson > That's a sad thing to be in our progressive society.
Slappy Andven > Fap Angel actually, I'm bi. But my character, that's another story.
Our Agents shook their heads. Carebear filth continues to clutter the asteroid belts. No matter how much denialism they encounter, our Agents never give up hope of saving the carebears from themselves. So they roll up their sleeves and get back to work.

The thing about denialists is that they're not truly frozen in denial. They're not perfectly still--they only appear that way. If you look closely enough, you can see that a denialist carebear is actually moving very, very, very slowly. In time, progress will be made. And the New Order has nothing but time. After Michae Sasen lost his Hulk, he lost a pod worth 1.8 billion isk. The podmail was linked in system.
Lamar Jackson > Mother of God, that pod
Slappy Andven > Hahahaha! What idiot has a Michi's and a Highwall and mines AFK with gankers in system?
You see? It might be slow, but even Slappy is making progress. On that day in Finanar, our heroes destroyed 4.5 billion isk worth of non-compliants. They educated miners about the Code. They sold some mining permits. And they even managed to nudge a denialist a little closer to the finish line. Just another extraordinary day in highsec.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

MinerBumping Versus the Dozzer, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... Highsec miner Th3 s7rYn6 lost his Retriever when ganked by Agent Mildron Klinker. Out of nowhere, Th3 revealed himself to be a powerful hacker. He waltzed into the "Mining" channel and demanded a ransom of 300 billion isk--or else he would take down the MinerBumping website.
Gorila Vengaza > Th3 s7rYn6 what ya mean??
Jebediah Phoenix > Th3 s7rYn6 i really hope you've sent that threat to James
Th3 s7rYn6 > its simple,
Th3 s7rYn6 > pay and you may resume your activities with the shitty lamest website seen and coded to man
Th3 s7rYn6 > dont pay and will be pursued and terminated every single time its atempted to be up
Th3 s7rYn6 > so no more codes
Th3 s7rYn6 > no more fun for you guys
Th3 s7rYn6 > enjoy
Th3 was unimpressed by the Code and/or coding of MinerBumping. The New Order's website was at his mercy.
Th3 s7rYn6 > you guys have 24 hours
Th3 s7rYn6 > tomorrow at this time if not complied with the money
Th3 s7rYn6 > will be taken down
Th3 s7rYn6 > you support your activities by astating it on a website
Th3 s7rYn6 > pretty clear
Th3 s7rYn6 > will be down
Th3 s7rYn6 > so please do yourselvs a favour
Th3 s7rYn6 > fkn pay
The deadline was set. The New Order had only 24 precious hours to come up with the money. Now the clock was ticking. Would the New Order survive this deadline, as it had the other hundred or so deadlines set by rebel forces?
Jebediah Phoenix > i think its cute that you think the website is all that holds us together, i think its even cuter that you think you're going to take it down
Th3 s7rYn6 > took it down already 5 tmies today
Th3 s7rYn6 > just to test my thesis
Jebediah Phoenix > make sure you send your demands to James
Th3 s7rYn6 > and as logically assumed its a crackAfuck of a code
Th3 s7rYn6 > so pay or be without a website
Gorila Vengaza > Jebediah Phoenix if enough ppl hit it with a low orbit ion cannon, it will go down
Gorila Vengaza > im not gonna do it but if it happens ill laugh my ass off for days
Jezzer Shras > Yeah...threatening to take down a website...not a good call to do publically. Just my two cents.
The situation was more dire than anyone realized. Th3 wasn't making idle boasts: He'd already tested his ability to take down the website. He took it down five times in one day. Imagine the service interruptions that would result if he took it down ten times--or even a hundred or a thousand times--per day!
Th3 s7rYn6 > James 315 <=> Retardness
Th3 s7rYn6 > 23h19 minutes
Th3 s7rYn6 > 23h15m n counting
Th3 repeatedly reminded everyone in the Mining channel that the New Order needed to pay, and fast. But after a few reminders, Th3 recalled that he was in a Mining channel, and that he didn't want to spend 24 hours randomly typing numbers into it. Th3 checked his wallet the next day. The deadline had passed, and no billions were to be found.

Th3 found the Agent who had destroyed his Retriever and bragged about the death of MinerBumping. Mildron was confused. He was reading the dead website.

Th3 was annoyed by Mildron's ignorance of computers. The only reason MinerBumping wasn't dead now is that Th3 had stopped killing it. Duh!

Mildron gently reminded Th3 of his dead Retriever, the price of disobeying the Code. Now was not the time to pretend to bring down websites. Now was the time to buy a permit.

Th3 was temporarily brought out of his hacking-induced daze. Mining permits? Th3 continued a recent trend of new players pretending to be old ones. He had no idea why it wasn't smart to fly a Retriever with completely empty midslots, lowslots, and no rigs.

The carebear wasn't yet convinced that he needed to go with the permit option. He still held out hopes of getting the 300 billion isk ransom. However, he needed to make the New Order understand how hacking--or "dozzing"--works. A blog's readers are unaffected by dozzing. Only the hacker knows when a website has been taken down. To see the evidence that a site has been disabled, one must go into the Apache logs. Ordinary readers just keep using the site as normal.

In frustration, Th3 realized that Mildron didn't have access to the MinerBumping logs, and would therefore not be inconvenienced by any downtime MinerBumping might experience. His boasts only resulted in his name being put on the Red Pen list.

Th3's sense of reality collapsed. He didn't believe himself to be a highsec miner. He believed himself to be a 2006 character, an elite PvP'er, and a powerful hacker. Yet the rest of the human population, lacking access to Th3's logs, lived in a different reality--one in which Th3 was just another helpless carebear who lost a fail-fit Retriever.

In truth, MinerBumping can't be taken down by a dozzer or a bulldozer or whatever the rebels come up with next. It is supported by three Gibson supercomputers. Even if a rebel managed to hack one of the Gibsons, the motors on the other two would begin whirring and instantly pipe the extra traffic into their own databanks. All of this guarantees that the reader enjoys an optimal MinerBumping experience. And the New Order continues its triumphant march through cyberspace.

Monday, April 28, 2014

MinerBumping Versus the Dozzer, Part 1

MinerBumping, the nerve center and philosophical hub of highsec, is a tough nut to crack. It has repelled many a hack attempt in its days.

Now it would face its ultimate test. A hacker named Th3 s7rYn6 threatened to take down the website permanently unless he was paid a ransom of 300 billion isk. Not even the New Order treasury could produce such a sum in 24 hours. More importantly, the New Order does not negotiate with terrorists.

Th3 s7rYn6's threats came to the attention of more than one Agent. Unlike other would-be hackers, Th3's threats were real. His credentials as a hacker were readily apparent: He substituted some of the letters in his name with numerals.

Speaking in local (which he referred to as a "chatroom"), the hacker made his intentions known. Agent Mildron Klinker struck up a conversation with the rebel IT bro to learn more.

For reasons which would soon become apparent, the hacker wasn't happy to see Mildron. Th3 was all business, demanding immediate payment of 300 billion isk.

Mildron was curious about Th3's motives. Clearly, there was a financial component, but Th3's comments also hinted revenge might be a factor.

As Th3 teetered on the brink of hacking MinerBumping right then and there--without waiting for his ransom payment--Mildron came up with the answer.

It all started, as so much else does, with a simple Retriever gank; it's every supervillain's origin story these days. Th3's minimalist fit mining barge bit the dust. Mildron himself was the executioner. But there's more to the story. Before broadcasting his threats into local, Th3 was influenced by the toxic atmosphere of the "Mining" channel.
Duke Mineiro > The only way you'll stop a gank is by cutting roughly 33% into your own profits, permanently.
Th3 s7rYn6 > or
Th3 s7rYn6 > their website
Th3 s7rYn6 > with apache benchmark looping 10000000 get requests flooding their thing
Th3 s7rYn6 > :)
Th3 s7rYn6 > no more codes
Th3 s7rYn6 > no more service
Th3 s7rYn6 > ;0
Having been radicalized by the loss of his fail-fit Retriever, Th3 sought to win favor among his fellow miners. It was then that he realized his hacking powers could be put to practical use.
Th3 s7rYn6 > so
Th3 s7rYn6 > anyone here that represents this?
Oseki Gogiko > Th3 s7rYn6 that site has viruses and gay porn, watch it
Th3 s7rYn6 > wonder if anyone here be disturbed if i take the website down
Th3 s7rYn6 > will be opened for letting it run for a fee :)
Oseki Gogiko > Th3 s7rYn6 lol reroute it to some gay porn site :P
Th3 s7rYn6 > ok
Th3 s7rYn6 > let me give it a try
Th3 was thrilled when his boasts won him the attention of another miner. The rebel thirsted for more recognition.
Th3 s7rYn6 > gay porn doubt but offline will be for sure
Th3 s7rYn6 > :)
Oseki Gogiko > ^^
Th3 s7rYn6 > minerbumping should be minerburping as the site totally vulnerable to my fkn code
After running some preliminary diagnostics with his hacker tools, Th3 was optimistic about his chances of hacking the website. MinerBumping was totally vulnerable to his fkn code.
Th3 s7rYn6 > you guys are funny
Th3 s7rYn6 > got to admit
Th3 s7rYn6 > still
Th3 s7rYn6 > 300. not payed in 24 hours and minerbumper.shit will be down permanently
Th3 s7rYn6 > :)
Th3 s7rYn6 > guys enjoy
The former Retriever pilot took center stage in the Mining channel. All previous attempts to destroy the New Order and/or MinerBumping had failed. But Th3 knew that if he succeeded, he would become a legend.

Next time: The most shocking MinerBumping episode yet!

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Kills of the Week

Highsec is abuzz and aflame this weekend due to the Goons' massive ganking event, Burn Jita. Half a trillion isk worth of freighters and other humanity-shunning carebears have been vaporized. But when the special weekend is over and the Goons leave, it will be the New Order of Highsec that sticks around to help the broken carebears pick up the pieces. We will use the tragedy as an opportunity to rebuild the bot-aspirants into healthy, Code-abiding citizens. This may involve subjecting them to additional ganks. Let's look at some ganks from the week of April 20th @ 00:00 EVEtime through April 26th @ 23:59 EVEtime.

Daphne Honeybutt and other Skiff pilots think themselves above the Code. They're wrong--as was proven by a fleet of Agents including Nanny State, karma balancer, Pestario Vargas, Jaxi Wreckful, Scylla ofMessia, Bishop Conrad, Killowatt Nearl, Luck Of-The-Irish, DJentropy Ovaert, and loyalanon. They trashed some Skiffs, and it just so happens that loyalanon exceeded a total of one trillion isk in total damages inflicted on the carebears!

To commemorate this special occasion, I gave loyalanon a rare gift:

...a signed portrait of myself. People have varying definitions of "winning" EVE, but getting your own portrait of me is definitely up there.

xxMonahxx lost a Retriever to Agent DJentropy Ovaert. Curiously, the barge was worth more than 200 million isk. How? DJentropy puzzled over this. Can you identify the cause? No, it wasn't the named scanner. While you ponder the excessively-valued Retriever, I'll just mention now that New Order fleets continued to slaughter Orcas, freighters, and other decadent carebear treasures the past seven days, but this week's post returns to basics: The miners.

Right then, have you spotted the source of xxMonahxx's abnormal Retriever loss? It's the single Harvester Mining Drone. Why you would have one (and only one) in your drone bay, can only be answered by the carebear.

On occasion, a kill is brought to my attention for sheer irony. Ohh Sleeper's Covetor was caught--you guessed it--AFK mining. Agent Wen Tang chuckled and then killed the Code-violator.

...and then there's the decadence. WildRus's Covetor was worth 800 million isk more than Ohh Sleeper's, but was also AFK, and was also completely untanked. Agent Meilandra Vanderganken likewise chuckled and then killed the Code-violator. And then scooped some nice loot.

DiaRoss wasn't fooling anyone with his expensive shield mods. He was willing to inject more isk into three of his fancy midslots, but revealed himself a bot-aspirant with a Survey Scanner for the fourth. He had to die. He knew it, I knew it, you knew it, and Agents 412nv Yaken, Bishop Conrad, loyalanon, Pestario Vargas, Inquisitor Armand, and Xeihun Khamez certainly knew it. But they were only getting started.

Inside the Hulk, DiaRoss's 2 billion isk pod, snagged by Agent Pestario Vargas. The sheer level of decadent bot-aspirancy may shock you. Heck, the fact that DiaRoss was actually flying a Hulk in modern highsec may shock you. But there's always an explanation. DiaRoss is the alt of the notorious DiaRosCris. You don't remember her? Let me refresh your memory:

Yes, it's the thousand-yard stare you remember so well. And if you still don't...
DiaRosCris > pls suuport me..
DiaRosCris > so that CCP.. change that..
DiaRosCris > ERROR
DiaRosCris > we dont want to FIGHT!!! we WANT TO MINE!!!
DiaRosCris > BIG LETTER TO ccp--O CHANGE SO;ME things
DiaRosCris > ITS looks like real life!!!HEY manGIVE ME YOU MONEY OR YOU GAK BANG..what ebever!!!
DiaRosCris > 10 mill bucks for bamooboo bing..and his second acoud spine ripper
DiaRosCris > oda i close my acout
DiaRosCris > cose of that.-.SHIT.. MININGBUMPER--com
In the wake of Burn Jita, I have a feeling a lot of carebears relate to DiaRosCris. Don't worry, the New Order will be there for them.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Adopt an Orca

MinerBumping posts aren't all sunshine and rainbows. They're mostly that, but I don't hide the truth of highsec from anyone. My job is to open the eyes of a public that doesn't always take the time to get to know highsec. I do so again today. The shocking truth is that highsec is filled with ships that get abused and mistreated by their owners.

Look at this. Disgusting, right? Fortunately, there are people in highsec--brave men and women--who are willing to do something. Agents Jer'ith Bodas, Lenda Shinhwa, and Selina Dyle saw rebel miner Raijun Kaijun Bleuz abusing his Orca privileges. They didn't hesitate to act. Jer'ith explains:

Jer'ith and his friends didn't look the other way. They sprang into action.

Our heroes ganked Raijun's Retriever and podded him. That way there was a nice, relaxing atmosphere while Jer'ith helped the Orca through its transition into the New Order family. Look at that camera angle. Doesn't the Orca look happier already?

As Jer'ith piloted the Orca back to station, he saw Raijun undock in a Hurricane. Raijun wanted revenge, and he showed he meant business by launching his drones. Jer'ith wasn't intimidated--he locked Raijun's Hurricane. A duel between a Hurricane and an Orca? Did Jer'ith stand a chance? You'd better believe it--he's an Agent of the New Order. Raijun panicked and redocked, leaving his drones behind.

Once in station, Jer'ith took the Orca to the fitting screen and immediately recognized the tell-tale signs of an abusive owner. Just look at that fail-fit. Don't look away. This goes on in highsec every single day.

After winning such a glorious victory, our Agents were well within their rights to gloat. But instead, they treated Raijun to some respectful criticism, rather than mockery.

Our Agents reassured everyone in local that the crisis had passed. Things were looking up for highsec and the unnamed Orca.

Sadly, Raijun was unreptentant. The loss had already been replaced, he claimed; he had plenty of spare Orcas just sitting around in his hangar in case one was stolen. (They were probably given to him by his powerful friends in nullsec.) Although Raijun was lying about having more Orcas, he might eventually get his hands on another one. When he does, you can be sure the New Order will be looking for opportunities to rescue them.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Diplomacy Is Bullying, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... Capt Starfox began his diplomatic mission by joining the "Union 416" channel, where the rebels with the slogan "Ganking Is Bullying" hang out. He immediately encountered Raven Eaglefeather, a carebear who compared ganking to real-life "home invasion, rape, and robbery".

There was a bit of cross-talk with multiple conversations taking place concurrently, so we'll begin with Starfox's brief chat with Concordia Mayaki. Like all rebels, Concordia was absolutely convinced the New Order would fail somehow. His evidence that the New Order will die? Because it's growing.

Concordia put his faith in the latest rebel movement, the "Declaration of April 16, 2014". If that movement is forgettable enough that you've forgotten it from yesterday's post, it's the one with all of the "WHEREAS" statements. The one CCP Falcon called repetitive and nonsensical.

Given its inauspicious beginnings, I wouldn't go buying shares of April 16th stock just yet. Concordia wasn't expecting any quick victories, so he was unconcerned about its slow pace. He likes to take his time. He slowly, carefully misspelled the word "eventually".

Occasionally a carebear expresses the rebel belief that the New Order is only one in a long line of groups that have tried to take over highsec and regulate mining activity. However, like the rest of the rebels, Concordia was unable to name any examples besides us. It's almost as if the New Order is a completely new thing. But let's put that aside. It's time to get into the meat of the conversation, and return to our friend Raven Eaglefeather.

Raven believes ganking is potentially criminal, and that real-life space lawyers could reshape the landscape of highsec.

In order to force CCP to buff mining barges again and/or outlaw highsec PvP, there would need to be a catalyst. Not the Gallente destroyer kind of catalyst, though--an inciting incident. An event so dramatic that it pushes Raven's anti-ganking agenda to the forefront.

Raven mused that if someone killed himself in real-life after being ganked by the New Order, that would do the trick. Starfox asked a direct question: Did Raven want that to happen? At this point, of course, the sane, rational, innocent, harmless, good-guy carebear said, "Absolutely not. I don't want anyone to commit suicide, even if it promotes my in-game agenda. I would never want someone to die in real life just so I could safely mine AFK."


Perhaps we shouldn't be shocked by Raven Eaglefeather's attitude. Carebears take their fantasies of PvP-free mining quite seriously. We've seen many cases of highsec miners making death threats because they lost a Mackinaw or whatever. Maybe Raven's position is the logical--albeit hideous--extension of that.

Clearly, Raven has given this a lot of thought. People like Raven make me long for the days when a miner could simply fantasize that CCP would grant their petition against the New Order. I don't like the idea of miners thinking one of their own needs to die for the cause.

What creates a personality like Raven Eaglefeather's? Starfox asked her about her history. Though a new character, she claimed to have played EVE back in its earliest days. She claimed to have been a pirate and PvP'er. Until...

It all began with a single Retriever gank performed by Agent Nerfbat Alden. Naturally, it was completely untanked. That's when Raven's interest in suicidal video game players began.

Capt Starfox was undaunted by his harrowing experience with the cruel, cynical "good guys" of EVE. Now that he knew how warped the carebears have become, Starfox resolved to intensify his efforts at diplomacy.

Sadly, after his revealing conversation with Raven Eaglefeather, Starfox was banned from the channel. But not before he had gained valuable insights about the carebears. Which brings us to the choice that every MinerBumping reader must make. Do you side with the New Order, or with the carebears?