Saturday, November 18, 2017

The Mere Presence of an Agent

The Agents of the New Order are known for being powerful, but they're also known for the exceptional accuracy with which they wield their power. How do they always manage to destroy the guilty, and never the innocent? It's easier than you might think.

An Agent of the New Order--particularly if he is also a member of the mighty CODE. alliance--can trigger bot-aspirants into revealing themselves simply by appearing in local.

Upon noticing an Agent's name in local, the rebellious carebear cannot help but express his Goofusness in a fit of nervous excitement. It's similar to the mechanism by which the "name of James 315" litmus test functions.

...And sometimes you don't even need to say my name for the litmus test to work. A truly guilty carebear will bring it up all on his own.

Agent Aaaarrgg is one of the most famous--and most feared--elite PvP'ers in highsec. Wherever he goes, the carebears make fools of themselves in local, thereby unintentionally acting as his heralds.

Side note for new players: If fame and victory appeal to you, close the tutorial and check out the Code. A life of glory awaits.

Although rumors of my ban go all the way back to the earliest days of the Code, there's certainly been an uptick lately. It seems the Anti-Gankers have been relying ever more heavily on fake news.

Some blame the "James 315 is banned" rumors on an old click-baity Reddit post or an Eve Onion article from years ago. In fact, new versions of the rumor sprout all the time. For example, Jace O'durn believed that I was somehow banned when CCP took action against nullsec leader gigX a couple months ago. It's the manifestation of wishful thinking in its most deranged form.

Aaaarrgg didn't need to wait long until his presence in local triggered another not-a-miner with an inexplicable grudge against CODE.

...Which raises the question: Why would a non-carebear who hasn't lost anything to CODE. (on his main character, or alt, or friend's character, etc.) be so angry about CODE.? Thankfully, this question has been discussed in some detail in an eleven-part MinerBumping series.

One of the dumber features of highsec life is the "incursion" channel that pops up from time to time. Nevertheless, it provides another forum for the angry carebear to confess his non-compliance.

Aaaarrgg's presence in the incursion channel resulted in more confessions. Our hero took it all in stride. Our Agents are indefatigable.

It's no wonder that the New Order is so often thought of as a beacon of light. The roaches and rodents of highsec scatter at our approach.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Actions Have Consequences

Agents of the New Order are elite PvP'ers all. Typically, our Agents go to battle against hardened veterans of the game--people who cannot possibly hide behind "newbro" status. On occasion, a gank does involve a new player or an alpha account user--as will be the case in today's report.

Agent Gadiner of All-Out corp was the ganker in question. Like so many others, Gadiner is not affiliated with the mighty CODE. alliance in an official capacity, but he is no less zealous for the Code.

The Code violator was a bot-aspirant named Jasmine2006. She was piloting a jammer-fit hauler but made no attempt to stop the gank. She was almost certainly AFK.

I mentioned earlier that this gank involved an alpha account user. Jasmine2006 wasn't the alpha, though--the ganker was. Jasmine2006 has been playing EVE for a decade. (Shouldn't she be Jasmine2007?)

The bot-aspirant retaliated by placing a billion isk bounty on Agent Gadiner. I don't suppose the carebear apologists have any problem with a long-time EVE veteran putting bounties on alphas, then?

But it went further. This carebear was mad.

In addition to the billion isk bounty on Gadiner, Jasmine2006 put a whopping 8 billion isk bounty on All-Out, the corp that Gadiner belonged to. As a result, All-Out now has the seventh-highest bounty of any corporation in EVE.

All-Out has just shy of 60 members, and reports started rolling in from other members of the corp who found themselves bountied by Jasmine2006. What a crazy carebear.

At this point, a lot of carebears will clam up and block anyone who tries to contact them. However, Jasmine2006 was willing to send a message explaining her baffling behavior:

Click image for magnified view. Or in case you don't feel like it, here's what she wrote:
tough shit, actions have consequences. in this case the consequence is the disband of your org or relocation to high sec.

Actions do have consequences--and so does ignorance. Jasmine2006 was confident that her bountying spree would result in the total destruction of All-Out corp. Five years ago, I warned the carebears not to misinterpret the bounty system. Jasmine2006 didn't heed that warning, and her failure proved costly. She's not alone. In fact, the CODE. alliance, its corps, and fellow New Order organizations are EVE's biggest recipients by far of unironic bounties (that is, bounties actually intended to harm the recipient rather than simply putting them on the bounty leaderboard for fun).

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Whenever CCP introduces new game mechanics, they only provide the carebears a new way of losing their stuff.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

The Russian Poet, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... Agent Piz Caldera bested Rezka Stalker in elite PvP after the miner attacked our Agent with a Venture. Agent Piz was hopeful that the belligerent carebear could be reasoned with, but Rezka was angry about being spoken to in English instead of Russian.

Though Piz hadn't responded to any of Rezka's EVEmails yet, the miner was undeterred. Every time a new insult(?) popped into his mind, he sent Piz a message.

Rezka's ignorance of the New Order was on full display. Our organization is basically where all of the good people in EVE hang out.

As time went by without an answer from Agent Piz, Rezka tried speaking in Russian again. Maybe the Agent would tell him to calm down, at least? Rezka couldn't stand the silent treatment any longer.

The next day, Rezka woke up and checked his EVEmail. Still nothing! He cursed our Agent yet again. But it was a new day, and the miner held out hope that Piz would write back.

After another agonizing half hour of waiting, Piz still hadn't replied. Rezka was furious.

Rezka demanded an explanation. Is this what Agents of the New Order do? Blow up your Venture and not even write back the next day? For the next hour, Rezka sulked and wallowed in his pain. And yet, as they say, great pain can sometimes inspire great art. Rezka was inspired.

Putting pen to paper, Rezka composed a poem about Piz Caldera. I can only assume that the original draft was written in a spiral notebook and then transcribed to EVEmail.

Though Rezka wasn't writing in his native language, he managed to put his thoughts into verse. It probably rhymes in Russian.

Rezka Stalker could have ended his career as just another Venture pilot ganked by the New Order. He had greater ambitions than that. With his pen, he hoped to gain immortality.

Finally, the poem reached its conclusion. It was obvious that Rezka poured his heart and soul into his poem about Piz. Surely, surely, Piz would answer now. He just had to!

Rezka had indeed gotten Piz's attention. Our Agent graciously congratulated Rezka on losing their elite PvP battle the previous day.

The miner wasn't thrilled to be reminded about his epic defeat. The miner put down his pen and returned to his normal self. What Rezka didn't realize is that Piz intended to meet him again.

Only a few minutes later, Piz showed up in the same asteroid belt as Rezka and ganked his Venture. How would the miner react this time? Had he learned anything from his experiences and his poetry?

Same ol' Rezka. The spell was broken; the poem was an anomaly. Even so, the miner managed to earn a place among the greatest Russian poets of highsec.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

The Russian Poet, Part 1

The New Order is famous for destroying some of the juiciest, most expensive targets in EVE. But it's not only the decadent bling-boats that get ganked by our Agents. Big or small, the Code comes to them all.

Still, you might look at this killmail and think it was overkill: Agent Piz Caldera popped a Venture with a tech II fit Vexor. There's more to the story, though.

Agent Piz didn't sacrifice his Vexor. The Venture and his alt decided to attack Piz with their drones while he was suspect. (So much for ships that can't shoot back--they shot first!) It was on. Piz ultimately triumphed in the battle that followed.

Rezka Stalker couldn't handle losing, so he placed a bounty on Piz instead of buying 10 mining permits.

Piz Caldera is used to this sort of thing. He's one of the countless New Order Agents who, despite not being a member of the mighty CODE. alliance, has managed to become a celebrity in highsec. Enforcing the Code tends to have that effect.

A few minutes after wasting 100 million isk, Rezka sent Piz an EVEmail. Our hero didn't feel like running the message though a translator, and he didn't really need to. He immediately knew how to answer it:

I'm sure our Russian-speaking Agents will confirm that this was an appropriate reply.

Rezka was triggered by Piz's writing to him in English. (But to be fair, since CCP Leeloo was fired, Piz's EVEmail might be the closest thing to customer support Rezka is going to get.)

The miner couldn't wait for a reply. A few minutes later, he began to fire off a series of EVEmails to Piz.

Rezka assumed that Agent Piz would answer promptly. He didn't realize that our Agents are very busy--they've got all of highsec to run!

The miner continued to sit at his keyboard, waiting for Piz's answer. He grew impatient.

Nearly half an hour had passed since Piz's last communication. Rezka still wasn't calm. In fact, Piz's silence was killing him. Would Rezka's pain inspire him to Code-compliance? Or would he become even more angry?

Or, perhaps, would Rezka's pain inspire something else entirely?

To be continued...