Sunday, December 15, 2019

Kills of the Week

You know, some carebears go on to live happy, normal, healthy lives--if they abandon their carebearism in favor of the Code, that is. Making such a radical change often requires the carebear first to experience the shock of losing a ship. Ganking, therefore, is an act of kindness. And mercy. Here are some merciful actions taken by our Agents during the week of December 8th @ 00:00 EVEtime through December 14th @ 23:59 EVEtime.



Chicken Dragon had more isk than sense. Our Agents sought to take away some of the carebear's bling while simultaneously providing him with an incentive to gain sense. Our Agents, you see, favor balance. Facial Fracture Daphiti3, Alleil Pollard, Facial Fracture Daphiti2, facial fracture daphiti4, Aiko Danuja, Facial Fracture Daphiti, facial fracture Fractures, facial fracture daphiti5, Uncle Paulie, Agittain Arnolles, Whadda Badasaz, and Quicken Loans erased 6.4 billion isk from Chicken Dragon's assets. One can only hope that the carebear gained as much sense.



ORE Strip Miners still exist for people like Michael Killmeyer to buy them. And for people like Agents Ore Gluin, Misha Mawashi, Maximus Gooseman, and Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri to destroy them.



With a name like Lifetime miner, you know a terrible fate was inevitable for this guy. Fate came in the form of Agent Lucy Inthesky Withdiamonds, whose Orca was nonsensically attacked by Lifetime miner's Loki. CONCORD intervened. Good on them.



NastyBastrd didn't have an auspicious character name, either. The more closely one looks upon his Vindicator's fit, though, the more difficult it is to argue with his choice of name.


Somehow, honourable combat ensued between NastyBastrd and Agent Krig Povelli. Krig fought on behalf of the Code and won as usual. NastyBastrd's ship probably didn't run out of capacitor, but it did run out of hitpoints.



Panther Zwei ventured into the Bagodan system. It was only the latest in a long series of questionable decisions made by the bot-aspirant bling-bearer. Agents Rante Charante, Vlada Inkunen, Ariku Orenuk, and Ukira Kunero blapped the battleship, costing the bear billions. Brilliant!



ragnar Rollard was too AFK to realize that her Mackinaw no longer protected her juicy pod. Agent Guybertini's Talos had plenty of time to lock ragnar's pod and deliver the killing blow.


ragnar had a Virtue set. Apparently Virtue implants provide a bonus to probe scanning. But, I mean, you know what I'm going to say next--this stuff writes itself. One cannot purchase virtue on the market and plug it in. The only virtue in EVE comes from the Code.

Saturday, December 14, 2019

Tugging at the Hems of Power, Part 7

Previously, on MinerBumping... Tension was rising in the Gamis system. Tug Industries Corporation grew to hate Agent Kalorned for his bumps and his Code. Kalorned tried to get the miners to calm down, but they refused to see reason.


The miners demanded satisfaction, but Kalorned chose not to engage in any duels. He felt that defeating the miners in a series of duels would only fuel their rage.


Our Agent attempted to defuse the situation by pretending to be docked. But the Tug Industries pilots were monitoring him closely, and they knew that Kalorned was still merrily bumping miners away from the system's ice anomaly.


Kalorned knew it was getting serious when Folg3r Tinlan called upon his ancestors. That's usually a prelude to violence.


The moment had arrived.


Tug Industries had surrounded Kalorned's Orthrus, which was bumping an Orca. The carebears periodically locked Kalorned. But would they have the guts to pull the trigger?


Shots rang out. A gank Thrasher opened fire on Kalorned, only to be CONCORDed.


The miners had coordinated a suicide gank in the proper manner, throwing multiple gank-fit destroyers into a simultaneous attack. Two more Thrashers were CONCORDed immediately after the first. However, the three destroyers lacked the DPS needed to take down an Orthrus.

Then came the madness.


Kalorned could scarcely believe his eyes as he watched a member of Tug Industries attempt to gank him using a Cynabal! Nearly a quarter billion isk was lost as the pilot's armor tank failed to withstand CONCORD.


The insanity of the carebears multiplied: A second Cynabal was also lost to CONCORD. It, too, had relied upon an armor tank.


In all, three Thrashers and two Cynabals were lost in the crazed attempt on Kalorned's life. But the bumping Orthrus could not be beaten. Our Agent held the field.


Kalorned didn't know about his ancestors, but he was confident that there was indeed a face smiling upon him that day.


Our Agent was magnanimous in victory.


...But the miners only embarrassed themselves in defeat.


Grasping in vain for a silver lining, one of the Cynabal pilots noticed that an Orca had fled the ice anomaly and docked up while Kalorned looted the gankers' wrecks. At least now the Orca would be able to not get bumped while it was busy not mining. But was it worth the half-billion isk in losses? The war against Kalorned was growing costly.

To be continued...

Friday, December 13, 2019

Tormented Miner, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... Agent Lewak received angry EVEmails from Pythos Torment, a highsec miner who held an irrational grudge against our Agent after being killed by him.


Pythos threatened to send salt to Agent Lewak each day. In this way, the miner hoped to get her revenge.


Sensing that Lewak was not yet defeated, Pythos redoubled her efforts.


Several minutes later, Pythos' anger manifested itself in a tithe. What had the miner done?


Pythos placed a bounty on Lewak's head, but it was lost in the sea of isk already placed there by other frustrated carebears.


A few hours later, Pythos finally read the Code--or made an attempt, anyway. After examining the Code, Pythos came up with the original strategy of accusing Lewak of not following it. If our Agent didn't retract the bounty he'd placed on Pythos, the miner would tell the whole world about Lewak's Code violations.


Apparently the "mark of 315" was bothering Pythos--further confirmation that Pythos was indeed a Goofus.


The next day, Pythos renewed her correspondence with Lewak. The miner had yet to calm down.


A day later, Pythos had a big update: She now had powerful friends in nullsec. And their first priority was to take down Lewak once and for all.


At last, Pythos had her revenge. Nearly 57 thousand isk had been collected by bounty hunters:


Said bounty was collected as part of a CONCORD killmail when Lewak's gank Catalyst was destroyed. As you might guess from the presence of CONCORD on the killmail, Lewak succeeded in his gank. In other words, a random passerby got a tiny reward for doing nothing, and Pythos lost a small amount of isk for no reason. Bounty system working as intended.


Pythos tried to talk herself into being happy, but her feelings of joy over the bounty payout were overwhelmed by the poison in her soul--her hatred for Lewak. For you see, when a highsec miner embarks on a journey of revenge, he must first dig two graves: One for himself, and the other to remain empty because our Agent is being awesome somewhere else.

Thursday, December 12, 2019

Tormented Miner, Part 1

The bot-aspirant carebear, in his wickedness, accuses our Agents of bullying, griefing, and harassment. But good luck finding a trace of those things in Agent Lewak's standard post-gank EVEmail:


Agents of the New Order provide gank recipients with an opportunity to prove their worth.


Most miners, sadly, demonstrate that they are not yet ready for EVE.


In EVE, reading comprehension is a must. And so is the Code.


Alas, too many miners lack even the ambition to be a proper player. They try to avoid ganks by declaring themselves too pitiful to be fired upon.


As Agent Lewak was conducting a patrol of New Order territory, he came across Pythos Torment. She was mining without a permit, so she died. Lewak sent Pythos a standard EVEmail and waited to see whether the miner was cut out for EVE.


Lewak carefully studied her reply. He noticed some warning signs.


Our Agents are a compassionate breed. Lewak gave Pythos the benefit of the doubt, reasoning that perhaps there were extraordinary circumstances preventing the miner from being her best. So he reached out to her and gave her a second chance.


But there were more warning signs.


Lewak cautioned the miner. He had been kind to her, but he would brook no nonsense. There was the Code to consider.


At this point, our Agent began to seriously consider the possibility that Pythos was a Goofus. If so, selling her a mining permit might prove difficult.


Pythos sent additional EVEmails, each one seemingly confirming her status as a treasonous little Goofus. Agent Lewak needed to be sure, though. So he name-dropped the Saviour of Highsec to see what effect it would have:


The game was afoot.

To be continued...