Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The TESTy TESTie, Part 1

Everyone says nullsec is stagnant. The truth is, tensions are very high right now. The smallest thing could trigger a full-scale war. Only the tireless efforts of nullsec diplomats hold things together.

Enter Kayne Korablv, a two-year veteran of the highsec mining circuit. For reasons known only to himself, he chose to mine illegally in a fail-fit Retriever. Agents hellyeaz, Supremacyy, and Princess Gank Enat from the Systems High Guard corporation teamed up to put a stop to Kayne's madness. They had no idea what they would unleash.
Supremacyy > Kill: Kayne Korablv (Retriever)
hellyeaz > Kill: Kayne Korablv (Capsule)
Kayne Korablv > Yea, no shit you turtle.
Kayne Korablv > Enjoy your gank elsewhere.
Supremacyy > best to dock up when you go afk
Kayne Korablv > Enjoy saying Hi to TEST in the next few days
When Kayne returned to his keyboard, he made some idle threats about enlisting TEST Alliance Please Ignore. He also called our Agents "turtles", so they didn't think much of it.
Kayne Korablv > Well I guess you should strop thinking you are the law?
Princess Gank Enat > First of all we are not thingking we are the law. BECAUSE WE ARE THE LAW
hellyeaz > authority is just the ability to send men with guns to enforce your rule
hellyeaz > so by that definition, we are the laa
Princess Gank Enat > BUY A DAM PERMIT BRO
Kayne Korablv > Buy a permit? From you? HAHAHAHAHA
Despite personally experiencing an act of Code enforcement, Kayne doubted there was law in highsec.
Kayne Korablv > You're fucking precious aren't you. Go be the fake police somewhere else.
Supremacyy > Bottom line: if a capsuleer needs to step away from his client, he should dock up.
Supremacyy > http://www.lawofhighsec.com/the-law
Supremacyy > you break the law you pay the price
Kayne Korablv > break the law? Are you fucking kidding me?
Don't think of it as shooting a bot-aspirant without warning. Think of it as supplying a warning for future ganks. We know some carebears delete their Code-related EVEmails, so this works out best for everyone.
Kayne Korablv > Guess what guys. FUCK THE CODE.
hellyeaz > www.minerbumping.com learn it live it love it\
Kayne Korablv > FUCK YA'S.
Kayne Korablv > SUCK MAH DEEK
Kayne Korablv > DO WHAT YA WUNT BRUH
Kayne Korablv > lelelelelelelelel
Kayne Korablv > hahaha, boasting about a retriever gank because you're too much of a bitch to fly into null.
You'd think a miner would be impressed by meeting a real, live Agent of the New Order. Kayne didn't care. As a highsec miner, he had little respect for people who live in highsec. Nullsec is where the real action's at, or so Kayne heard.
Kayne Korablv > I wanna have FUN with you guys.
Kayne Korablv > Put a big bounty on me, tell all your CODE buddies that THEY ARE SHIT CUNTS AND SUCK E PENIS. lelelelelelelelelelel.
Kayne Korablv > lelelelelele.
Princess Gank Enat > Please no bad language
Kayne Korablv > Um, no.
Kayne Korablv > I wanna be really really hated by you guys.
Kayne Korablv > So I can hunt yoooooou.
His ship and pod destroyed, Kayne didn't think he had anything left to lose. Actually, every second a carebear goes without buying a mining permit is a tragic loss.
Princess Gank Enat > Must keep local clean
Princess Gank Enat > you are a miner
Kayne Korablv > hahahaha, mate. Miners make the universe go round, without us you have no ships.
Supremacyy > honestly we don't hate you Kayne Korablv
Supremacyy > we want to help you
Kayne couldn't resist the old Miner Bingo line about how important miners are. Without miners, no one would have ships. Then again, Kayne didn't have a ship anymore anyway, so what's the harm?
Kayne Korablv > haha, well you can help test when tey come looking for you because you just blew up one of their main Ship suppliers. hahahahahahaha
Kayne Korablv > You fucked up real good.
Princess Gank Enat > Tell test to come baby
Kayne Korablv > Alreeeeady done. ^_^
Princess Gank Enat > How bout we come and "Test" your next ship
Kayne Korablv > You love being Internet bitches. lol
Kayne Korablv > too scared to come to null.
Then Kayne revealed the shocking truth about his fail-fit Retriever...

...Behold, one of TEST's "main ship suppliers". I had no idea things had gotten this bad.
Princess Gank Enat > We have a reason for everthing bro
Kayne Korablv > Yeah, you're small penises. hahahaha
Kayne Korablv > your*
Kayne Korablv > Too scared to go to null, so pop people in high sec because you're just internet bullies.
hellyeaz > again please keep local clean, and show some respect
Kayne Korablv > Show some RESPECT? hahahaha
Kayne Korablv > To CODE?
Kayne Korablv > That's really. Fucking. Cute. Cunt.
Our heroes were struggling to establish a rapport with the miner. Kayne hated two things: "internet bullies" and "cunts". Our Agents took their leave. The matter was forwarded to a more senior Agent.
loyalanon > o/
loyalanon > I understand you are having issues with a few code enforcers
Kayne Korablv > lol
Kayne Korablv > They are the ones with issues now.
Kayne Korablv > All four have been put on the insta-gank list for all test pilots.
Now loyalanon would be faced with diplomatic challenge of his life. Either he would bring Kayne to the Code, or TEST would bring war to highsec.

To be continued...

Monday, September 29, 2014

The Martyrs of Highsec #1

You know, there's a lot of hate circulating around EVE these days. An atmosphere of nastiness has taken hold. Everyone's trashing each other, bathing in the blood of the permabanned, and a lot of nonsense like that. The New Order is the antidote. We care about people. We've even taken an interest in the most overlooked class of EVE player, the AFK carebears of highsec.

We're the exception. Today, people don't seem to care about anything that doesn't affect them directly. Whenever anyone departs the EVE community, the most commonly heard phrase is, "And nothing of value was lost." Goon leader The Mittani has more fans than anyone else in EVE. He also has more enemies than anyone else, and he has more enemies than fans. If he were banned, most players would declare a holiday. SOMER Blink was by far the most popular player-run business in the history of EVE, with countless thousands of clients. They offered barely a word in support of SOMER's founder when he was burned at the stake. I tell you the truth, if Chribba himself were banned tomorrow, it wouldn't be long before the hate came bubbling to the surface...

"I never knew what was supposed to be so great about that guy anyway."
"Can I have his stuff?"
"Wasn't that the weirdo with the Veldspar tattoo and the phone number in his bio and all the alts named after actresses?"
"Good, now I can scam supercap sales."
"Chribba who?"

I hold to an unpopular belief, that whenever a content creator leaves us, something of value is lost. Maybe only those who directly interacted with the former player will take notice. So be it. This means we have a special obligation to remember the fallen among us.

This is the first edition of The Martyrs of Highsec.


Who can forget Erotica 1, the most accomplished isk doubler in the history of EVE?

Many have doubled isk, and many more will double isk in the future. Jita may have thousands of players packed into local, but there's one player missing. Erotica was permabanned. An official reason was never given. But we know what she did: She made our eyes sparkle. She was guilty of raising smiles all across highsec.

She also raised funds for the New Order. She was the first shareholder ever to receive a Duodecuple Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™, for her contribution of 12 billion isk to the Treasury. More importantly, she got a party hat.

Including the shares purchased in her name, Erotica raised over 65 billion isk for the New Order's gankers. At a rate of 10:1, well over half a trillion isk worth of bot-aspirancy was demolished. Even as the hour of her execution approached, Erotica was thinking of others. A day before her permaban, she sent the remaining contents of her wallet, 39 billion isk, to the New Order. She received a Triple-Tredecuple Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™ and the gratitude of gankers everywhere.

Some may call her a thief, a liar, a scammer and a knave. I was proud to call her an Agent of the New Order of Highsec. She never told me anything but the truth. And I am absolutely confident that if she invited me to her TeamSpeak channel, she wouldn't have subjected me to extraordinary levels of real-life harassment.

Erotica 1 firmly believed in the value of scammers in EVE. She also felt that a Bonus Round should only end when the "client" said so. Unlike some, Erotica was passionate about transparency, and made audio recordings of her activities freely available for audit by the masses. She was always ready to make the ultimate sacrifice for her beliefs.


Fighter Jets GuitarSolo had an extraordinary name. It still gets players amped up and ready to rock 'n' roll.

Everyone believed CCP when they told us that scamming was 100% permitted in EVE. If so, then the Bonus Round's "scam" components were allowed, as long as a Bonus Round did not lead to real-life harassment. Fighter Jets took CCP at their word.

Fighter Jets carried the torch for her friend and comrade. It was an act of extraordinary courage and heroism. It also led to her permaban. Like Jimi Hendrix, she was taken away from us so young. She was in her prime.

During her brief life in highsec, Fighter Jets found time for acts of Code enforcement. Her alt assisted in the awox and acquistion of Damned Defeat corporation.

Fighter Jets wouldn't let EVE players forget the Bonus Round. We didn't. Nor will we ever forget Fighter Jets GuitarSolo, and the melodies she played for us.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Kills of the Week

Weekly update: Highsec remains under construction. Can you believe there are still pilots who haven't purchased a New Order permit yet? Don't worry, though--we're working on 'em. Eventually highsec will be complete. Until then, the permit-less carebear is a walking tragedy. Let's take a look at some of these benighted fellows' interactions with our Knights during the week of September 21st @ 00:00 EVEtime through September 27th @ 23:59 EVEtime.

You know good things are about to happen when you see a message like this in your inbox.

Earlier this year, HiddenFire's mining Rokh made him infamous. Our fair community also discovered that HiddenFire calls himself "the naked miner" because of his preference for playing EVE in the nude. (Note: It's in his bio; this information was not extracted via extraordinary real-life harassment and/or torture.) It seems HiddenFire's combat Rokh isn't much more deadly than the mining version. Agent Remiel Pollard earned an aggression flag and was fired upon by HiddenFire. Remiel's trust in the Code worked wonders.

Hey, remember when everyone was complaining about how overpowered Ishtars are? Atleastigotchicken probably wondered why. His 1.1 billion isk fail-fit Ishtar was terminated for violations of the Code by Agents King of Highsec, Laminar Septimarr, loyalanon, Supremacyy, karma balancer, Prince Sanguine, Lament von Gankenheim, Amyclas Amatin, Ilithyia Borgia, Nitetime Video, Zombiepilot, and Princess Gank Enat. Afterward, he didn't have a ship, but at least he had chicken. Carebears, don't settle for chicken. Get 10 million isk and treat yourself to a mining permit. You're worth it.

A potential warning sign: When your anti-tank modules cost more than your ship and all other fittings combined. Naraya Green embarked on an ill-fated AFK cruise through highsec with a flimsy tech I industrial and 450 million isk of cargo. Agent Zasar was assigned to be the purser for this voyage, and he calmly asked for the 10 million isk Naraya owed to the New Order. When it was not forthcoming, he had to kill Naraya. Not a typical episode of "The Love Boat", but the Code is about both love and justice.

Last week, lowsec's carebears produced a more expensive podmail than highsec's. Who would win this week? Saya Allas-Rui's disregard for the Code resulted in a 3.485 billion isk pod loss. Off to the races! Agent Flanges was in good shape to win Pod of the Week.

However, less than a day into the week, macout had already lost a 3.5 billion isk pod to Agent Brutal Anna. macout, a member of 0utbreak, thought he knew all there was to know about elite PvP. But Brutal Anna was playing by highsec rules. In any event, it was a podkill lowsec would be hard-pressed to top.

Yet it did. SlenderMan IsWatchingU ran into Agents loyalanon and 412nv Yaken, who were doing a little bit of casual target practice in lowsec before returning to the big leagues in 0.5+ security space. SlenderMan lost some extra weight--about 3.6 billion isk worth--after our Agents removed him from his limited-issue Nugoeihuvi Caracal.

I speak as though there's a competiton between highsec and lowsec, but there isn't, really. Whether lowsec or highsec produces the most egregiously decadent pod, the forces of bot-aspirancy lose. And the CODE always wins.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Bumping for Highsec, Gamis Style

Even our fiercest critics have no choice but to marvel at the New Order's extraordinary impact on highsec life. Before we began our efforts, Hulks and Mackinaws were everywhere. Increasingly, miners have been forced to switch to lower-yield, lower-cargo ships such as Skiffs and Procurers. The sacrifice of yield and cargo in exchange for tank--that's our good influence. Nevertheless, mining permits are required even for our friends in Skiffs and Procurers.

Agent Kalorned, the godfather of Gamis, put together a special video to celebrate the time-honoured practice of miner bumping. To the expert bumper, a heavily-tanked miner is just another fat target.

You can watch Bumping for Highsec and be inspired to bump today. If you don't have gunnery skills, an alt slot for awoxing, or the ability to shed security status, you can still bump your way to a brighter future.

Over Four Hundred Twenty-Six Billion in Shares Sold

Are you quitting EVE? Are you hours away from receiving a permaban? Or maybe you're just taking a break from the game? If need someone to give all your stuff to, I've got you covered. Tens of billions of isk have been sent my way because people know that I'll put their money to good use.

Agent Malcolm Shinhwa bought 4,450 additional shares (including 985 shares purchased in Malcolm's name), sending us over the 420, 421, 422, and 423 billion isk marks. Malcolm earned a Quadruple Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™. If and when he returns to EVE, he will return as a hero.

Agent Jonah Gravenstein added some isk in tribute to these fine individuals, who have voluntarily left EVE in protest. Ophidia Black purchased 985 additional shares by proxy and sent us over the 424 billion isk mark. She earned a Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™.

And here's yet another option.

Permabanned Heroes of the Code is not an in-game entity. It is the New Order's first "conceptual" shareholder. His/her/their/its isk is as good as anyone's.

Moving along, Rouge Drex purchased 1,000 shares. Way to start your share ownership big! We moved past the 425 billion isk mark, and Rouge earned a Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™.

Ryan Ottomeya is next up. He purchased 350 shares and sent us over the line for 426 billion isk, earning him a Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™.

Let's keep it going. Highsec needs us now more than ever before.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Bizarro EVE, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... We took a trip into the rebels' Anti-Ganking channel, a very strange land. A place aptly described by haiku specialist Maria Malukker:

In the Twilight zone:
Antigankers are heroes
and miners are brave

Every so often, a debate breaks out in Anti-Ganking. Ajax Xulthark and Veers Belvar argued about whether there is a silver lining to the New Order's gank operations. Ajax could see the folly in anti-tanked freighters who carry around BPOs.

Veers asserted that it's illegitimate gameplay to deliberately suicide gank a ship when there's no possibility of financial gain. This, he believed, was little different than trolling someone during a Bonus Round.

Ajax agreed that Bonus Rounds are bad. However, he pointed out that players in Anti-Ganking sometimes violate the EULA by using death threats and such. Not all rebels could accept the moral equivalence argument. l3urton, for instance, saw a clear distinction: CODE is bad and anti-CODE is good. Inherently.

This led to a broader discussion about whether gank victims can be expected to behave themselves. Considering their passions, perhaps they should be given a temporary get-out-of-ban free card. Kind of like an aggression timer in reverse, to excuse them of their EULA violations.

In EVE, unlike other video games, combat can result in losing valuable equipment. It's not something a player can be prepared for, argued the rebels.

Only after many years of suffering can a player be expected to learn not to fly blingy fail-fit ships. (This raises the question of who's supposed to provide the suffering, but never mind.) Naturally, it was assumed that "new players" were flying the anti-tanked freighters with BPOs.

Condemnation of the New Order's infamous "Venture-Killing Contest" ensued. But even here, Ajax was able to see the other side of things.

Despite Ajax's points, the rebels held fast to the belief that "new players" should be allowed to advance in their mining careers without the troublesome interference of PvP.

Dazzler Muvila broke into the conversation and won applause: The New Order has arguments on its side and can make some good points, true. But making arguments is only another sign of how evil the New Order really is! The rebellious l3urton had heard enough. He was tired of listening to people complain about the New Order. He would take action.

Action came in the form of a fail-fit ECM stealth bomber. He was unable to stop any ganks, though. Instead, he got ganked himself, by Agent loyalanon.

l3urton also lost his snake-filled pod when loyalanon's Thrasher fired a second volley. l3urton was sent a form EVEmail reminding him to purchase a mining permit as soon as possible.

The Anti-Ganker channel proved to be a bad influence on the impressionable young rebel. (He's been playing EVE for over 6 years. That's a "new player", right?) l3urton filed a petition against loyalanon for "repeated harassment".

Disavowing their own part in radicalizing the anti-ganker, rebels shook their heads. Another defeat for the rebellion. You know, there's a lot of nonsense going on in that channel. Yet I can't help but feel that eventually, somehow, a few of those anti-ganker fellows might learn something from it.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Truth Revealed About the Permaban Wave

Yes, it's my long-awaited post about the recent wave of permabans, some of which hit members of CODEdot and the New Order. CCP was unwilling to make any information about this public, and they stonewalled the CSM members who asked, so it took quite a while to finally get a full picture.

The article is available at TheMittani.com. It's not a quick news piece; it's a commentary with history, context, and all the fixin's. In order to keep the article lean and mean, I condensed and/or omitted some of the topics I was going to cover. (Those subjects may reappear in future articles or MinerBumping posts.)

Without further ado, the post. You can either click on the link, or the picture of my face. I recommend clicking my face.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Bizarro EVE, Part 1

Brace yourselves. Today you're going to get a glimpse of another world, another realm. One in which black is white, right is wrong, and up is down. I'm speaking, of course...

...of the Anti-Ganking channel. It is a troubling place. From within this channel, the perspective of EVE is so twisted as to make the game almost unrecognizable. If you dare to step through the portal, your only consolation is the company of fellow New Order spies.

At first, the carebears of Anti-Ganking feel familiar. They're spouting hate and nonsense about the New Order, just as any bot-aspirant would after being ganked.

But when the rebels gather into groups, their misguided beliefs echo off of each other, creating a most bizarre culture. For instance, according to the Anti-Ganking view, Agents of the New Order are vulgar in local, and the carebears are polite and respectful.

In addition, AFK miners and carebears who do the same mission over and over are seen as thoughtful, creative individuals. The New Order Agents are "brainwashed zombies". The whole world is inside out!

The rebellion is continually strangled by paranoia. They see spies everywhere. At the slightest provocation, they will accuse each other of being New Order Agents. Protip: Carebears, our spies are the ones you don't suspect. You're better off kicking people at random than trying to do counter-intel.

Just when you think you're getting a handle on things, the twisted environment knocks you for another loop. Miners claim to enjoy ganker tears. And they believe the game mechanics are heavily stacked in favor of risk in highsec. They probably think CCP has been buffing suicide ganking all these years!

Anti-Ganking can be a depressing place. It's not easy to be around people who lose every battle, day after day.

Later, the rebels discussed news of New Order Agents being permabanned by CCP. If I were banned, would it make a difference? Rebels disagree.

MinerBumping comment troll Veers Belvar strongly believes the entire New Order should be banned. In his opinion, we don't actually play EVE; we merely "harvest tears". Why would we go to the trouble of harvesting something that falls from the sky freely in buckets every day? That's like saying people go to Jita to harvest contract links from spammers.

Some rebels suggest the existence of the New Order gives them something to fight instead of red crosses. But in the view of the extremists, fighting back only legitimizes us. Apparently a lot of carebears agree, because hardly anyone fights back.

A strange place, indeed. If a carebear stays there long enough, he loses his connection to reality. A rebel can become so far gone that he thinks all the rational people have lost their connection to reality! Is there any escape? Can the New Order still save a bot-aspirant who gets caught up in a place such as this?

To be continued...