Saturday, January 18, 2020

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #201

It's a new year--will this one be better than the last? Is your life on an upward trajectory?

Those who refuse to learn from the Code will be ganked over and over again, no matter how many new ships they buy. But those who embrace the Code will reap the rewards. Welcome to the latest edition of the Highsec Miner Grab Bag!

Nuclear missiles mean little in highsec. The Code is the superweapon of EVE--and it works.

No, miners, you can't just go to the bathroom in a 0.9 system. Highsec is not your toilet. Not since the Code.

Now I see why all of the anti-Code resistance movements have failed after all these years: They haven't had enough yet.

When drafting a reimbursement request, keep in mind that you're not going to have much luck if you include details that establish your own guilt.

Then again, it's possible to go too far in the other direction.

I, too, would like an answer to Agent Sievert Solutions' question. Tazer face?

Agent Dishrag translated the miner's message as follows: "What a fool you are! I have been in the game for four days! Drawn to the weak? You moron!"

The miner admits that he is weak. More PvP will do him good, I think.

If you're going to mine in a Venture, it is better to do it in low/null/wormholes. However, if you intend to mine in highsec, don't lie about it.

Reports of my being banned are, as ever, fake news. Don't trust everything in your Facebook feed.

When miners need to be interrogated post-gank, it can sometimes get heated. Don't worry, though--our Agents always err on the right side of torture.

That's more like it. I often say that miners need to thank their gankers more.

For the New Order, progress isn't just an idea; it's our way of life.

Friday, January 17, 2020

Ragamuffin, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... Unlicensed Venture pilot Talvanenss failed to obey the Code, leaving Agent Dishrag with no choice but to gank him. Yet Dishrag's compassion fueled a number of attempts to rescue Talvanenss. The ungrateful Talvanenss chose to embrace the Goofus lifestyle instead, repeatedly sending ridiculous EVEmails to our Agent.

Before long, Agent Dishrag's inbox was filled with Talvanenss' perverse prattle.

The miner grew angry when he realized that Dishrag wasn't paying him sufficient attention. Without his Venture, Talvanenss didn't know what else to do in EVE but send people mail. And he only knew one person.

Dishrag knew that Talvanenss was a Goofus, but even he was surprised by how much supervision the miner required.

Regardless of the miner's persistent cries for help, Agent Dishrag had a job to do: Save highsec. And as anyone who reads the Code should know, our Agents decide the order in which they help people. Talvanenss would have to wait.

Talvanenss took a short break before sending Dishrag his next complaint letter. In the meantime, the miner had gone back to read Dishrag's original message about the Code.

Without Dishrag to interact with, Talvanenss eventually found his way to MinerBumping and the Code. Unfortunately, not all miners are a receptive audience to the Code's message.

In a desperate search for human contact, Talvanenss went to the MinerBumping forum and began posting there.

At last, Dishrag acknowledged the miner's existence. But it was clear that Talvanenss hadn't grown up in Dishrag's absence. He was still immature and attention-seeking, and he didn't even own a mining permit.

Talvanenss was also bitter about losing his only mining ship. He vowed to spam the MinerBumping forum until the end of his days. But how did his campaign of vengeance go?

At first, the miner took great pleasure in spamming the MinerBumping forum. Eventually, however, he realized that it was a hollow pursuit: No one else was on the forum at that moment. He was still alone!

In his miserable isolation, Talvanenss gave up and left forever. He didn't know it yet, but all of his hard work was soon to be erased with a single "ban user" click. The EVE galaxy is a cold and empty place for those who do not follow the Code.

Thursday, January 16, 2020

Ragamuffin, Part 1

The Agents of the New Order are famous for their compassion. But just how much compassion do they have?

The answer: A lot.

Agent Dishrag caught Talvanenss in the act of mining without a permit. Talvanenss was also guilty of AFK mining and, generally, mining with a Venture in highsec. Agent Dishrag would've been justified in hating this miner, yet he offered to teach him the law.

The Venture pilot turned out to be a foul, ungrateful creature.

Now Dishrag's compassion would truly be put to the test. Surely no one would want to help Talvanenss under these conditions.

Incredibly, Dishrag directed the new player to a "rookie" system. All of the anti-Code carebears who accuse gankers of being bullies and griefers should hang their heads in shame and throw a parade in honour of our Agent. Wow!

Alas, the miner was entirely from Goblok stock.

Yet Dishrag's compassion knew no bounds. If there was even the tiniest glimmer of humanity flickering somewhere beneath that bot-aspirant shell, our Agent aimed to find it and cultivate it. Perhaps something could be made of Talvanenss.

...Probably not, though.

Agent Dishrag was fascinated by the gruesome spectacle. He sought to understand the miner. But there wasn't much to him. So Dishrag left the miner while he attended to other matters. However, Talvanenss didn't know what to do without a Venture. The only thing he knew how to do besides mining was sending EVEmails.

Dishrag had little hope for the miner. All he could do was direct Talvanenss to the Code and gank him whenever he got around to buying a new mining ship.

Left to his own devices, the miner lashed out in anger. Surely he wasn't going to turn into one of those miners--the ones who spam unsolicited tearmails all day?


To be continued...

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

Over Two Trillion Twenty-One Billion in Shares Sold

I often speak of New Order shares and the diversity of motives behind our noble shareholders' purchase of them. Here's another good reason to buy shares: the calendar.

Hello! zyk0 upgraded his holdings with a purchase of 10,000 additional shares. This sent us past the 2,010, 2,011, 2,012, 2,013, 2,014, 2,015, 2,016, 2,017, 2,018, and 2,019 billion isk marks and earned zyk0 the esteem of a Decuple Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™.

zyk0 is right, by the way--it's going to be a big decade for the New Order.

As you can see, Aiko Danuja thought carefully before purchasing 1,000 additional shares in the name of James 315; 'twas no spur of the moment thing. I say "additional shares" because, as perhaps few people know, Leia Jadesol previously gifted me 315 shares many moons ago.

Aiko's purchase in my name sent us past the 2,020 billion isk mark and...

Wait, can I give a Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™ to myself? Yes, with the aid of a well-polished mirror, I do believe I can: A Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™ to the Supreme Protector. Theory checks out.

Aiko made some other unorthodox purchases this week, including a purchase on behalf of "chamomile tea" for 315 shares, which happened to take us past the 2,021 billion isk mark and earned the famously calming drink a Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™.


I don't often get Korean tearmails, but this one translates roughly to "Don't mess with Eve Don't bully the newbies". The assertion here is absurd. In point of fact, there is no evidence that the New Order picks on new players. Quite the opposite: Newbies who obey the Code are no more likely to be ganked than old players who obey the Code. And those who disobey the Code are doomed regardless of their age.

Some additional backstory behind gank recipient sanvely's tearmail was revealed with the aid of Agent Aiko, who forwarded me a link to a Twitch stream:

The streamer almost sent me a profane EVEmail before sending her outrageous accusations of newbie-bullying instead. Alas, we have no Korean translation of the Code to give her. In this era of Pearl Abyss, acquiring such a translation from a fluent Korean speaker must become a higher priority.

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

The Best Revenge, Part 31

Previously, on MinerBumping... aiva naali was determined to lead an invasion of Pandemic Horde space. To his dismay, the planned invasion was cancelled by a halt order from The Mittani himself. But aiva went ahead with the attack anyway--only to find himself alone and outgunned by a single Pandemic Horde member. aiva's closest associates blamed the invasion's failure on the lack of a dolphin flag.

For months, Agent Aiko Danuja politely listened to aiva's speeches about strategy and theoretical fleet compositions. Now it was her turn to give a lecture.

Aiko passionately implored aiva to realize the importance of a battle flag.

For all of aiva's many talents, he had a blind spot: He didn't grasp how essential the dolphin flag was to his greater plans of galactic dominion. aiva had put the vital project on the back burner. Now he had to deal with the consequences.

The confident atmosphere of the Discord channel descended into full-scale panic. So much for aiva's aura of invincibility.

Just hours before, it seemed as though the Imperium was about to defeat Pandemic Horde for good. Now the tables were turned. Things were spiraling out of control.

When aiva returned to the channel, he attempted to restore order. He knew that he needed to design a dolphin flag before the Imperium fell apart. But he wasn't willing to compromise his artistic integrity on some rush job. If aiva was going to do something, he was going to do it right.

Some might be tempted to grab a few pencils and scribble a dolphin on a piece of notebook paper. That wasn't aiva's style; he wanted an image that would inspire people. But good art takes time. And effort.

Aiko reminded aiva that a proper battle flag is accompanied by a powerful battle cry. Only aiva was qualified to come up with said battle cry.

Creating the dolphin flag was a grueling process, one that greatly taxed aiva's mind and body. aiva was willing to make personal sacrifices, though. 'Twas reminiscent of the Great War, when Goon logistics personnel stayed up all night to anchor POS towers and modules.

Everything was on the line. To ensure victory, aiva was willing to sell off his beloved Nyx, which he hadn't yet gotten a chance to fly (or see).

aiva yearned to lead an Imperium invasion fleet. But he was nearing the end of his rope. He wasn't confident that he could finish the dolphin flag and be at his best on the battlefield.

As time went on, tensions only ramped up. aiva was at the center of a whirlwind.

Finally--finally!--after all the sturm und drang and sleepless nights, aiva's task was completed.

This had better be one heck of a dolphin flag.

To be continued...