Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Pen Pals

If you enjoy receiving complaints, excuses, and tears of remarkable diversity (but usually written in broken English), then becoming an Agent of the New Order might be a good career choice for you.

Akame Nightshade only recently joined the mighty CODE. alliance. Though new to EVE, she is already imposing her will upon the miners of highsec. That's the power of the Code.

Reading a tearmail can be tricky. Miners have enough trouble formulating ideas, much less expressing them.

Per standard Agent protocol, if an Agent isn't satisfied with the quality of a miner's message, he or she can request that the miner try again. And if the miner fails to do so, that's another violation of the Code.

...However, our Agents generally become fluent in miner-speak within a short time.

The most passive-aggressive miners are afraid to send EVEmails; they may attempt to communicate using other means.

Since miners prefer solitude and silence, most aren't used to communicating with other players. A miner can spend years in EVE without speaking to anyone but our Agents.

One of the most important things for a miner to learn is that they can purchase a mining permit at an insanely affordable price.

...They may not appreciate it at first, but our Order has sold thousands of permits. They all "get" it eventually.

Carebears are a hostile bunch. Angry words are their only weapon, though. After threatening our Agents, they'll complain about being helpless newbies who aren't able to shoot back.

Miners are a tangled mess of contradictions and dysfunctions. Few are capable of recognizing they need help.

...Yet the excitement of experiencing PvP in a PvP game is enough to jostle some of them out of their usual routines. For them, enlightenment begins with an explosion.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Beautiful on the Inside, Too

Agent Lawrence Lawton broke up a criminal enterprise involving an unlicensed Hulk and its Mammoth accomplice. In fact, let's have a look at that hauler:

Yeah, that's not gonna wash.

Still radiant from the glory of his victory, Agent Lawrence sent a reminder to the carebear not to be so bad at EVE (at least while in New Order territory). The hauler pilot, Daniel Dravot, bristled.

Lawrence again reminded the miner about his obligations under the Code. Terrible Mammoth fit notwithstanding, Daniel has been playing EVE since 2010. He should've known better.

It soon became clear why Daniel was incapable of learning the game: He didn't accept the legitimacy of the outcome of PvP engagements. If someone killed him, that merely reflected poorly on the PvP'er in real life. Our Agent wanted to educate the miner further, but considered that Daniel might be the sort of fellow who's quick with the "block" button.

The miner expanded upon his earlier theories. Apparently he believed that anyone who doesn't pilot ridiculously awful Mammoths must be morally bankrupt.

Lawrence wasn't buying what Daniel was selling. Lawrence already had a fully formed philosophy for playing EVE: the Code. And unlike Daniel's philosophy--which only results in embarrassing lossmails--the Code actually works.

Daniel wouldn't budge. As time went on, he became more convinced of his own rightness. The better someone is at EVE, the worse they are. The miner could take pride in how bad he was at EVE. Daniel was freed from the inconvenient burden of performing good deeds to prove his character; all he had to do was put together a trash-fit hauler in a video game.

The miner explained away the whole "PvP in a PvP game" concept. No one was supposed to fire upon his vessels. Not if they didn't want a stain on their soul. Agent Lawrence saw things very differently--and was able to cite his freshly won killmails as support for his own view.

Daniel wasn't quite able to figure out why the lack of sovereignty mechanics matters for highsec but not for lowsec. His mind was busy with other things, anyway.

According to Daniel, being shot at in a spaceship-shooting game was the best thing that had ever happened to him. If he ever harbored any doubts about what a great person he was, his e-martyrdom in an Otela asteroid belt was enough to dispel them.

If true, though, Daniel should've been perfectly happy to lose another ship. But was he?

In lieu of purchasing a New Order mining permit and proudly presenting it in his bio like a normal person, Daniel came up with something completely different. Will it keep him safe? Unlikely. But if he loses another ship, maybe he'll win a Nobel Prize.

Monday, June 18, 2018

Bob Wins, Part 9

Previously, on MinerBumping... Miners in the Niballe system were, as usual, focusing all of their attention on Agent Bob the Fourth--even while he was AFK. Before long, a conspiracy developed. Anti-Code miners vowed to stop Bob and keep each other safe.

The newest member of the conspiracy, NOmadS0uL, took the lead as soon as he entered the system.

NOmadS0uL recognized Bob from one of his previous adventures. The miner sought to win the respect of his fellow rebels by mocking our Agent.

Miners are typically intimidated by the presence of an Agent. But as the conspiracy grew, they felt more confident that they had safety in numbers. They found it empowering to defy Bob's authority.

The rebels chatted about whether they should try to destroy Bob's ship. They were quite casual about it, too. It was as if they didn't know that Bob was the most elite PvP'er in the system.

Agent Bob didn't bother using words to persuade the rebels to change their attitude. In this case, actions would be much more effective.

Bob popped back into the system to snipe NOmadS0uL's Astero. None of NOmadS0uL's co-conspirators made the slightest effort to rescue him.

The miner underwent a sudden change of heart. He became one of those helpless "new returning players" we hear so much about these days. (Though his story doesn't line up with how he recognized Bob from the Kino system.)

NOmadS0uL's confidence was shattered. The puffed-up wannabe rebel leader became a deflated, grouchy balloon.

The miner decided he wasn't having fun in EVE anymore. And he'd lost his taste for conversation.

The formerly chatty rebels were nowhere to be seen. Apparently the conspiracy had disbanded in a hurry.

Ariel Triteia made a token effort to save face, but the rest of the rebel gang didn't show their faces. Niballe had attempted to revolt against the Code, and the system had been chastened for it. All they had to show for their defiance and arrogance was a lossmail.

To be continued...

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Kills of the Week

It was a truly terrifying week for the bots and bot-aspirants of highsec. Everywhere they turned, the valiant Agents of the New Order stood ready to oppose them. The Anti-Gankers, fleeing in panic whenever they were seen at all (which was, admittedly, a very infrequent occurrence), were unable to save the carebears from total destruction. That's an unbiased picture of how things went during the week of June 10th @ 00:00 EVEtime through June 16th @ 23:59 EVEtime.

Late last week, Angela Belvar managed to lose 1.6 billion isk on a Retriever. When you look at the fit, it's not obvious how Angela lost so much. There was a standard fail-fit yield tank, and some particularly bad rigs. But where's the bling? Agent Malbona Pomon discovered Angela's deepest, darkest secret hidden away in her ship's cargo:

Those pesky Michis! I guess Angela didn't know how to plug it in. It's also amusing to note that Angela was mining with tech I strip miners even though she had tech IIs in the cargo.

If you want to lose billions of isk hauling in highsec but you don't own a freighter, you can try Iskander Fireseed's method: Stuffing a bunch of cargo in a Deep Space Transport and going AFK. Agents Gandor Ironfist, iZaEaRl, Spazmongloid, Mongochicken, and Elvir didn't bring quite enough firepower to destroy a freighter, but thanks to the DST "meta", they didn't need to.

Bot-aspirants don't know the meaning of the word "elite". Our Agents do. They live it each and every day.

Countless freighters died in the fires set by our Agents this week. The freighter pilots, like BL00DYH3LL, didn't know what hit them--until they returned to their keyboards, that is. Agents Tax Collector Larry, Tax Collector HongMei, Taxman Daniel, Tax Collector AynRand, Tax Collector Fuemi, Tax Collector Kimi, Tax Collector Alison, Tax Collector Hill, Tax Collector Max, Tax Collector Aruka, Tax Collector Richard, Australian Excellence, Pod Destroyer Molly, Tax Collector KarlMarx, Tax Collector BokChoy, Tax Collector Kittens, Tax Collector Buck, Tax Collector Yuna, Tax Collector Shardani, Tax Collector Stroheim, Ding Dong MingMong, and Trump The King rode forth into glorious battle and delivered victory to the Code.

Carebears love to complain about our Agents "shooting ships that can't shoot back". As the case of Evan Cunningham shows, there's not a ship lethal enough to defend a carebear from an Agent. This time, Agent Krig Povelli managed to win a duel against a faction battleship. Evan used a rack of energy vampires instead of guns, but hey, that was his own choice.

Ragnarok Monster offers us another example of a battleship who bit the dust. He, too, had an eclectic fit. Then he had a screaming fit, after he realized he was defeated by Agents Lucy Inthesky, Alt 00, Aaaarrgg, Max August Zorn, Ernst Steinitz, YouDoneMessedUp, and Marcus Luttrell Khan.

Top damage went to the Orca. I wonder if those miners are starting to regret all the times they begged CCP to buff Orcas?

When a carebear loses a pod in bubble-free highsec, you know something went wrong. Not only did Sumeramikoto lose his pod in highsec, he lost it in a 1.0 security system. Agent Apo123 didn't fear dying to CONCORD; he had no reason to. He knew his cause was righteous.

Sumeramikoto lost a bunch of expensive implants that day. In truth, though, a carebear always loses his implants on the day he plugs them in. It's only a matter of time before an Agent comes along and makes the loss official.