Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Ganks of Future Past, Part 1

If you're going to mine without a permit, you might as well do it in Hek. That way you get ganked sooner--and then you're that much closer to buying a permit.

Illegal miner Riokken Bedala was scrounging around in the asteroid belts of Hek, gathering ore that didn't belong to her. Her 40 million isk speed-fit Retriever was no match for the Catalysts flown by local Code enforcers.

Now that Riokken was the recipient of emergent content, her eyes were opened to the true EVE experience. Instead of stumbling around, wondering what to do next, she could learn about the game from a highsec authority figure.

Riokken's content provider that day was Liek DarZ. This is one of the things that's really great about the New Order: Liek is an extraordinarily powerful Agent, yet he's so down-to-earth and approachable. He acts like a normal person; despite being a highsec celebrity, he doesn't let the fame go to his head. All our other Agents are the same way.

The rapport-building phase began. Riokken was too suspicious of the Order to buy a permit. Liek made a good point about judging the New Order by its actions. He won the argument instantly.

Trust is essential in any relationship. Riokken didn't trust Liek not to gank her again. Liek, on the other hand, was willing to take the first step: He would trust Riokken enough to accept her 10 million isk.

So far, things weren't looking good for Riokken. She was preoccupied with her own personal safety, rather than focused on achieving the mission: improving highsec.

The conversation deteriorated. Riokken's odds of achieving compliance declined.

However, Riokken was willing to make a deal. To make up for the loss of her 40 million (30 million?) isk Retriever, she wanted to pay 5 million for a permit instead of 10 million. It was bizarre. She thought an Agent of the New Order would compromise the Code for the sake of a paltry 5 million isk per year.

Now we get to the heart of the matter: Riokken was one of those "I would have paid if you asked" people. You can't trust anyone who uses a variation of the "I would have X, but..." line. How can you test such a claim? Time travel?

For someone who simply repeated "5 million" over and over, Riokken was very critical of Liek's negotiating skills.

The miner got nowhere with her strategy of repeatedly offering 5 million isk, so she pulled the ripcord on the convo. She vowed never to buy a permit.

The next day, Riokken was back in the Hek asteroid belts. She encountered Alexis Smythe, a fellow miner. Alexis was so innocent-looking. Appearances can be deceiving. For Alexis Smythe was actually the scout alt of Tisiphone Dira, an Agent of the New Order.

To be continued...

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The Siege of Stegette

New Order Agents are the most ambitious players in EVE. They aren't interested in accumulating a bunch of isk while AFK; they intend to make their mark on the game. And they're succeeding beyond anyone's wildest expectations.

Agent Helena Tiberius Mabata chose to carve out a slice of highsec in one of the "islands", areas surrounded by lowsec. One might expect the miners there to be a bit less bot-aspirant, since they have jumped out of highsec at least one time in their careers. However, in many cases the miners arrive in the islands by accident. Sometimes they're trapped. In any event, highsec miners in the islands are usually ill-tempered.
Helena Tiberius Mabata > Doger Ronuken you were found to be in violation of the law of highsec and have such had your retriever decomissioned
Doger Ronuken > what
Doger Ronuken > this isnt hi sec
Helena Tiberius Mabata > thi is 0.5 which is high sec
Helena Tiberius Mabata > and as such is subject to the New halamia code of conduct
Doger Ronuken > and who came up with that
Helena Tiberius Mabata > your savior and mine, james 315
The first miner to die was totally ignorant of the joyous reforms being enacted elsewhere in highsec. Helena shared the good news.
Doger Ronuken > i dont have a bot fleet
Helena Tiberius Mabata > This is correct, but you are mining in high sec, our soverign territory, your flying anti-tanked ships, and found to be mining in excess
Doger Ronuken > 4 or lower is
Doger Ronuken > hi seck
Helena Tiberius Mabata > So you think were in low sec?
Doger Ronuken > no medem
Helena Tiberius Mabata > so you think were in medium sec?
Doger Ronuken > yup
The miner was very confused. Helena had no choice but to educate him. How can you explain the New Order of Highsec to someone who doesn't understand what highsec is?
Helena Tiberius Mabata > i'm afraid i have never heard of this illustrious medium sec, but all the same if its not low sec or null sec it is the territory of the New Order
Helena Tiberius Mabata > and as such subject to its laws
Doger Ronuken > so it is black mall
Doger Ronuken > can thear be king of all hi sec
Anti-Order memes are like pollution. No matter how remote the location, you can always find traces of the filth. Doger accused an Agent of "black mall". Outrageous.
Doger Ronuken > of all hi sec is a lote of taritory to cover
Helena Tiberius Mabata > indeed it is, this is a difficult and often thankless job
Helena Tiberius Mabata > but the knights of the new order stand ready to meet any challenge
Helena Tiberius Mabata > agents come from everywhere, and anywhere
REDWING BLACKBIRD > cheap ships used as fodder in ganks all to familiar anywhere
REDWING BLACKBIRD > another goon swarm type startup then
REDWING BLACKBIRD > not tough enough to service low sec yet
Helena Tiberius Mabata > bingo +1
If you've ever doubted whether the New Order can leave a lasting impression on EVE, consider this: Years after the Gallente ice interdiction and Hulkageddon Infinity, miners are still complaining about the Goons. The New Order shall last forever, but even if it didn't, the miners would talk about it forever.
REDWING BLACKBIRD > you remind me of the spammers in dodixie industrialist and scammers
Doger Ronuken > i would hunt you down but i jute dont hav the time right now
Doger Ronuken > i was in the midle of studying math
Helena Tiberius Mabata > So you pay to play a game, yet rather than play it you study math?
REDWING BLACKBIRD > mining is tedious he is mining and studying ...duh
Doger Ronuken > i was mineing ore wile i was doing my home work
Doger Ronuken > so is calc 2
Without prompting, Doger revealed his mixed-up priorities. He was doing calculus homework instead of mining at his keyboard. Parents, please tell your children that they can enjoy some homework after they've finished their video games.
Helena Tiberius Mabata > Valentun Pykalo you were violating the law of highsec as laid forth by James 315, as such you criminal barge has been forcibly decomissioned. Please remember a permit before commiting further deeds of bot aspirancy in our soverign territories
Helena Tiberius Mabata > Francheska Cloverly you too were found to be in violation of the CODE. no one is above the law of highsec
Francheska Cloverly > oh hush i wasnt botting i even moved off so ur venture buddy could get the jaspet u my friend are an ass
Helena Tiberius Mabata > and as such you were decomissioned
Francheska Cloverly > like i said ASS go to low sec with your crap
Helena returned to Stegette the next day. The improvement of the system was taking place slowly. Progress is not always perceptible to the untrained eye. Keep the faith.
Helena Tiberius Mabata > Rand en Chasteaux for your bot aspirant deeds your special edition frigate was decomissioned
Ananiell > fuck off
Helena Tiberius Mabata > Wohoo my first bingo square of the day
Ananiell > This is our system, and we're drip
Helena Tiberius Mabata > im afraid highsec belongs to James 315 and the New Order, not this so called drip
Ananiell > Our system is ... here we dig .. clear to you?
Helena Tiberius Mabata > you dig?
Isolated communities are known to develop their own dialects. Helena could barely understand them, which made her worry the miners might not be able to understand her. So she spoke in the universal language of EVE: violence.
Helena Tiberius Mabata > Cala Wrynnn your imicus was forcibly decomissioned for failing to be in compliance with the new halamia CODE of Conduct and the laws of Highsec
Helena Tiberius Mabata > please remember a permit before sitting AFK outside of stations again
Caius Sivaris > tell me about your tournament run Helena
Helena Tiberius Mabata > we won the tourny by defeating 2 teams before they even recieved their ships, and made history during the aftermath. Were like rockstars
Helena Tiberius Mabata > with nuetron blasters
Caius Sivaris > rpfags are so annoying
News of CODEdot's big tournament win has gotten around. Carebears are very upset that the New Order didn't disappear afterward. Maybe they assumed we would want to retire on top. Not quite. The New Order's plan is to remain on the top of EVE, permanently. So far, so good.
shadowg0d > lol u tried to tank me while im afk
Helena Tiberius Mabata > that was a warning shot
shadowg0d > k dumbass bring it
shadowg0d > fa da police
shadowg0d > aint need no permit bitch
Helena Tiberius Mabata > You are merely misguided, no carebear slips so deep they cannot be saved
shadowg0d > carebear my ass hooker ima hauler
shadowg0d > i float where im needed
Helena Tiberius Mabata > the wall of lies a carebear surrounds themselves with is reinforced with misguided emotions, and thicker than the armor plates that protect agents from harm
shadowg0d > well i am mexican so.........
Helena was very satisfied with what she was able to accomplish in a short time, but there's always more work to be done.

Our Agent reviewed her killmails and solemnly reflected upon the fact that without her intervention, those players never would have experienced any real EVE gameplay. They might've learned more calculus, though.

One gank recipient put a 50 million isk bounty on Helena instead of buying a 10 million isk permit. On second thought, before these carebears start learning calculus, maybe they should master arithmetic?

The Endless History of Nerf Demands

Sasha Nyemtsov rocked the mic yet again, this time with a reading of the fourth section of the Manifesto II.

In this section, I spoke about some of the nerfs previously made to highsec PvP, and I predicted more to come. I also predicted that after the carebears had their wishes granted, they would continue to beg for more nerfs. Today's listener needs to keep in mind that the Manifesto II was written before the massive barge buffs, elimination of corp wardecs, near-extinction of can-flipping, and the crimewatch "expansion". The arrival of the predicted nerfs went a long way toward convincing highsec content creators that in order to survive, we all needed to join forces. A timely lesson.

Monday, September 15, 2014

See You in 315 Station, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... A diplomatic crisis unfolded when Deando, a member of Nulli Secunda, was killed while AFK autopiloting his pod through highsec.

At the Nulli member's request, Agent Tisiphone Dira revealed that I am the leader of the New Order. War was just seconds away.

However, Deando was not high enough in the ranks of Nulli Secunda to declare war on his own. He would need to speak with other members of the alliance. Meanwhile, Tisiphone called in reinforcements from Agent Rabe Raptor.

I have to give Deando some credit here. Many carebears read every provision of the Code and still don't understand how they violated it. Deando, on the other hand, knew he was a Code violator without even reading it. He was honest with himself, at least.

The New Order isn't an alliance or even a coalition; it's a community of players that transcends the in-game mechanics. Deando was having trouble understanding this. Rabe invited Deando to discuss the matter on comms. To be clear, this was for the purpose of facilitating diplomatic relations, not so that Rabe could commit extraordinary real-life harassment. Regardless, Deando declined the invitation.

Nulli Secunda didn't do much in nullsec this summer. It's their own fault, as there's no in-game mechanic stopping them from fighting whomever they choose. The restless soldiers of Nulli were itching for a fight, but their leadership wouldn't give them one. Deando believed a war against the New Order could be the answer.

Deando promised the downfall of the New Order "soon". In a breach of carebear doomsday protocol, he didn't set a specific deadline, e.g. 48 hours from now or March 1st of next year. War could come at any time.

Technically, the New Order was already winning the war. Deando ruined Nulli's kill-to-death ratio with his careless pod autopiloting.

Since he didn't have a direct pipeline to Nulli Secunda leadership, Deando tried to gin up support for war on the alliance forums. Now there's a thread I'd like to read.

All diplomatic options had been exhausted, so Deando closed the convo. He threatened to AFK autopilot in his pod through highsec again.

Sadly, Deando made good on his threat. A few hours later, he was caught and killed by Agent Carebears' Nightmare, another member of CODE.!

In the end, Nulli Secunda chose not to go to war against the New Order. Fighting a war against the Order in highsec is like going into the ocean to fight a shark. We reign supreme in our own domain--even nullsec alliances recognize this. The absence of nullsec wars, therefore, can only be counted as yet another glorious victory for the New Order! Well done, all.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Kills of the Week

You might have heard about some New Order Agents who got banned during the week of September 7th @ 00:00 EVEtime through September 13th @ 23:59 EVEtime. They weren't banned for enforcing the Code, but there were indeed some bans issued. Carebears heard the news and thought it was a good time to begin violating the Code. This was a costly mistake. Nerfs and bans against content creators only enhance our recruitment efforts. New allies flocked to the Order. And the carebears who stepped out of line were brought to justice.

Case in point, becky84. Her triple-anti-tanked freighter lacked a permit. Weighing in at 19 billion isk, this is one of the most expensive freighter ganks we've conducted; it actually ended up on the front page of zKillboard.

Agents Krominal, Walter Kramer, John E Normus, Gunther Cucs, Chuang Chou, Levi Holdings Stofer, PERUNGA, RonPaul Rox, Deathzone Maken, loyalanon, Alyssa Severasse, Keraina Talie-Kuo, CALDARI CITIZEN 14330909 (the Agent formerly known as Anal Canal), Barton Bastanold, Maurice Erquilenne, Mia Pawsaldo, Zi'el Aubaris, Davin Nix, Jenny Canwyth, and Maria Padecain executed the gank.

Speaking of new allies: The Loot Fairy finally came around. Our Agents confiscated 17 billion isk worth of goods. It will be put to proper use, rather than being wasted on frivolous things by the likes of becky84.

Hailey Clauson. Oh Hailey. Hailey, Hailey, Hailey, Hailey. Several weeks ago, Hailey sent a virtually empty freighter into lowsec for no good reason, where it was promptly killed. This week, she sent a jump freighter through my territory, on autopilot and AFK. That was even more reckless.

Agents John E Normus, CALDARI CITIZEN 14330909 (the Agent formerly known as Anal Canal), Davin Nix, PERUNGA, Gunther Cucs, Krominal Antos Docarus, Mia Pawsaldo, Snarky Samaritan, Walter Kramer, loyalanon, Levi Holdings Stoffer, Supremacyy, Zi'el Aubaris, RonPaul Rox, Chuang Chou, Maurice Erquilenne, Maria Padecain, Barton Bastanold, Lady Ati, Geiv Memei, Straggiz Rotineque, Deathzone Maken, Alyssa Severasse, Destroyer Of Soul2, and Tyler Twilley asked Hailey why she didn't have a permit, but she was AFK and on autopilot. They killed her.

In retaliation, Hailey changed her bio to rant about CODE. For some reason, she believes it's better for someone to murder a stripper in real life than to gank a jump freighter in highsec. She probably feels that way because she's a jump freighter pilot, but who knows? Maybe she's always held that opinion.

Upon further reflection, Hailey changed her bio yet again, this time suggesting that our Agents "rob an old lady" instead of enforcing the Code. She also unveiled a truly novel strategy for her guerilla war against the Order: She'll continue to lose jump freighters to waste our time. Sun Tzu would be impressed. Hailey Clauson is a very special lady.

Lately there's been a trend of New Order Agents destroying unlicensed POS equipment in our territory. The Prancing Pony corp lost 1.5 billion isk worth when Agent Mildron Klinker launched a series of attacks against them. Carebears, if you wish to do business in highsec, please make sure you get your paperwork in order. Okay?

Most of our Agents weren't born yesterday. They know the difference between a tanked industrial ship and one that only makes a token effort at being tanked. Seraphima N fooled no one with her fail-fit Tayra, which happened to be carrying a few hundred million isk in cargo. Agent Zasar of the New Order's "Department of Transportation" division was shocked by Seraphima's poor manners--she failed to salute him in local. In fact, she was AFK. Zasar was disappointed by Seraphima's failure, but he did what he had to do.

Remember when CCP created Ventures for the purpose of ninja-mining outside of highsec? The carebears didn't get the message. CCP realized they needed to be even more obvious, so they created the "Prospect", a covert ops mining ship! Unfortunately, there's just no helping some people. Kirby Alfrir fit his covert ops mining ship with a cloak and warp core stabilizers... and went AFK. Agent Ima Wreckyou taught Kirby a valuable lesson, but who knows if he got it.

Koroya Akuma lost the Pod of the Week. didn't properly value the heavy assault missiles implant; zKillboard puts the pod's value at over 2.6 billion isk. That's some fancy equipment for a Retriever pilot! Agent Just Got OutOfJail knows how to read people. When he saw Koroya, he knew what was up. Koroya's Retriever was destroyed and our hero took aim at the juicy pod inside.

Long story short, the New Order isn't going anywhere. Carebears, time to suck it up and get yourself a permit.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Over Four Hundred Eleven Billion in Shares Sold

Time for a pop quiz! Don't get nervous, now. I'll provide the answers--just like I always do.

Question: Do people care enough about the future of highsec to give their hard-earned isk to the New Order?

Answer: You better believe they do.

Ilithyia Borgia purchased 215 additional shares. This sent us over the 407 billion isk mark and earned Ilithyia a Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™.

290xanaots brought out the big guns with a purchase of 3,400 additional shares. Milestones achieved: The 408, 409, and 410 billion isk marks. 290xanaots earned a coveted Triple Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™.

Wearing a wry smile, Bing Bangboom purchased an additional 750 shares. We've now topped 411 billion isk! Bing earned yet another Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™ and is now the seventh-largest shareholder in the Order.

Question: What is the New Order willing to do to save highsec?

Answer: Whatever it takes.

Friday, September 12, 2014

See You in 315 Station, Part 1

In EVE as in life, war is inevitable. From Smoske jokes to the word "mate", almost anything can spark a conflict.

Meet Deando. He is a member of the Nulli Secunda alliance. Despite what you might have heard, they're no joke. Nulli proved its elite PvP skills with an impressive showing at the most recent Alliance Tournament, finishing in third place overall (behind CODE. and The Camel Empire).

Deando has two great loves: Linking racist GIFs in his bio and AFK autopiloting his pod through highsec. One of those loves was about to get Deando in serious trouble.

Tisiphone Dira, a strong, independent Agent of the New Order, spotted Deando's pod sneaking through the Uttindar system. She was compelled to destroy it. The pod contained no implants and was worth almost nothing.

You might be asking yourself, "Why would anyone care about losing an empty pod?" But that's not how EVE works. EVE is a game about power. There were great things at stake here. For Tisiphone, the New Order's territorial integrity and the Code. For Deando, the honour of Nulli Secunda.

Deando was above the whole "highsec" thing. He wasn't a highsec player; he was a nullsec player. Like an ice miner who doesn't consider himself a miner despite mining all day, Deando was only in highsec for reasons that didn't count.

Despite Deando's hostility, Agent Tisiphone politely presented him with a list of specific things Deando had done to violate the Code. After all, you can't punish someone for breaking the rules and not say what they did wrong. That would be crazy.

Deando dismissed the notion that the New Order owns highsec; only nullsec systems allow you to claim sovereignty. However, I would point out that N3's renters own sovereignty in far more systems than Nulli Secunda itself does. By that logic, maybe Nulli should pay rent to the renters?

Tisiphone was running out of olive branches. For some reason, Deando kept slapping them away, even when given the benefit of the doubt. Defiantly, the not-really-a-highsec-player vowed to repeat his feat of AFK autopiloting in a pod across highsec.

What began as an argument about an empty pod slowly escalated into something far more dangerous.

For the first time, Deando contemplated getting Nulli Secunda into a war with the New Order. Alarmed, Tisiphone acted quickly to defuse the situation. She would need to be creative:

Tisiphone understood that Sasha Nyemtsov's audio version of the Code has charms to soothe the savage bot-aspirant. It was definitely the way to go. Unfortunately, Deando wouldn't click on the link.

With Deando refusing to let go of his stubborn pride, and Tisiphone holding steadfast to the Code, there was no telling what would happen next. Nulli Secunda and the New Order of Highsec were on the brink of war.

To be continued...