Sunday, February 19, 2017

Kills of the Week

Fact and fiction, truth and falsehood. How to tell the difference? When we remember that the CODE always wins (always), it's pretty easy. However, for those who have yet to embrace the Code, things get murky, and it's easy to be led astray. And that inevitably brings them great disappointment and heartbreak--repeatedly, if they're not careful. We'll be seeing a demonstration of that later, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. From the week of February 12th @ 00:00 EVEtime through February 18th @ 23:59 EVEtime:

You'd think a jump freighter, with all of its EHP and jump drive capability, would be ungankable. Perhaps it would be, if not for human error. Or should we say bot-aspirant error? Asmodean Ishamael went AWOL at the helm, only to be obliterated by Agents Yojiro, Jet Set Milly, Dewzer Eyre, Franz Fizzleblade, Unfit ForDoody, Ayatola Whoami, Gea Stormbound, Gottfried Fizzleblade, Hermann Fizzleblade, Yasashi konma, dAbOsSlAdY77, Karl Friedrich Fizzleblade, Hagen Fizzleblade, Sertan Chakaid, Emergent Gameplay, Jason Kusion, Jayson Kusion, Justin Kusion, Joseph Kusion, Jackson Kusion, Jayden Kusion, Joel Kusion, Jake Kusion, Jeremiah Kusion, Joshua Kusion, Johnathan Kusion, and Bubby Isimazu.

What do you do if you have seven and a half billion isk worth of cargo, but you don't want all the hitpoints and cargo space that a freighter offers? Kosmokula thought she had the answer: Grab an Occator and head straight for Uedama. There she was ganked by Agents Jackson Kusion, Jayden Kusion, Joel Kusion, Joseph Kusion, Jake Kusion, Justin Kusion, Jayson Kusion, Jason Kusion, Jeremiah Kusion, Joshua Kusion, and Johnathan Kusion. If Kosmokula was expecting something else from the Kusion family, she gravely misjudged them. I wonder how many other carebears would make the same mistake? It's an interesting thought to ponder--hold onto it, dear reader.

Kosmokula was carrying a bunch of tech III ships and equipment. I've never fallen in love with the T3's, I'll be very honest with you.

apok Thellere committed a terrible crime with his Thorax. Perhaps he thought that he could disguise himself as an Anti-Ganker by mining with a combat ship. Among other problems with that plan: Agent Snigie Audanie isn't afraid of Anti-Gankers. If anything, combat vessels in asteroid belts are more likely to be ganked.

"Buy a skiff," says the rebel miner. "The gankers can't kill you if you're in a Skiff." Tervy DosAmigos took them at their word. But a Skiff hull, on its own, offers a miner no protection. He must learn how to properly fit the Skiff, and he must also get a mining permit. Only then may he mine with confidence. Agents Fate and Destiny, Zopiclone, and Never Gonna SeeGrandKids came across Tervy and scratched one more Skiff from highsec.

Ares Phalanx fancied herself a highsec two-face. Unfortunately, one who is a Gallant in the mids but a Goofus in the lows and rigs is really just a Goofus. Agents Tax Collector Richard, Taxman Daniel, and Tax Collector Discotime had no choice but to stop Ares' ship and subject it to a violent inspection.

As expected, unlicensed mining equipment (including a Hulk!) was found in the wreckage of Ares' ship. There was also a library of skillbooks, but not a single copy of the Code. Bad priorities.

Eraklea Delphine had a 7.6 billion isk vessel with the flimsiest of tanks. It was her Capsule, which she didn't even bother to clothe with a shuttle. Eraklea went AFK and autopiloted her decadent pod through Niarja and was no doubt completely shocked that it didn't get through safely. In no time at all, Agent ST0NER SMURF was EVEmailing the carebear a termination notice.

Protip: Don't inject Ascendancy implants unless you want to find yourself on the next Kills of the Week post.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

The Search for Anti-Ganking, Part 6

Previously, on MinerBumping... The search for nobility among the Anti-Gankers continued. Agent Alt 00 was unsure of whether she would ever find it, so she multi-tasked by ganking a bunch of non-compliant miners in Nakugard. It proved to be an efficient use of her time.

Oddly, it seemed every miner in Nakugard happened to be in a bad mood simultaneously. But why should this be, when they have access to the Code?

Highsec miner Sarah Jones cursed our Agent for not taking enough risks. She was probably composing a petition to CCP in another window--asking them to remove risk from highsec.

Another miner, Haze Tveskoeg, was deeply disturbed by Agent 00's philosophy. She reminded him of the notorious sociopath Sun Tzu.

There are a number of carebears who believe our Agents must be destructive in real life because they shoot spaceships in EVE. Presumably, they also feel miners must be wonderful people because they shoot space rocks and rage in local. There is no evidence to support either of these notions, however.

Luckily, Haze doesn't play first-person shooter games. They're absolutely filled with killers, according to what he's read.

In fact, reading can be dangerous, if you regularly read the wrong things. For example, reading stuff in the market window while your Mackinaw is being ganked. Or reading about EVE on untrustworthy websites full of fake news--instead of MinerBumping.

Alt 00 assured Haze that she values each and every Cat that comes into her possession.

When checking her wallet, our Agent discovered that she'd received a payment of 50 million isk from someone named Lahnius. The name had a familiar ring to it.

It was true: Lahnius was the Anti-Ganker who had killed the Buzzard flown by Alt 00's scout alt!

Alt 00 had suspected there was something out of the ordinary about Lahnius; he'd told miners in Hek to tank up their ships and buy permits. Now she had the exciting opportunity to sell an Anti-Ganker some mining permits.

Hearts and minds are being won every day in highsec. Our best publicity comes from the conduct of our Agents. Our second-best publicity comes from the conduct of the Anti-Gankers. Lahnius must've said something reasonable in the Anti-Ganking channel to earn himself a ban.

Alt 00 knew in her heart that even among the Anti-Gankers there must be a few with Gallant spirits. Now that Lahnius had turned to the light, how would the miners respond?

To be continued...

Friday, February 17, 2017

The Search for Anti-Ganking, Part 5

Previously, on MinerBumping... Agent Alt 00 quested like a true champion. She sought to find an Anti-Ganker capable of absorbing the Code and becoming a Gallant.

Agents of the New Order deal with a lot of different people--it's part of the job. If you're an Agent-aspirant, good people skills are a must.

They say that every time a new space lawyer is born, a GM sheds a tear. FairyKiller Blog was convinced that Alt 00's ganking activities were a direct violation of the EULA. Someone on the support team told her so, she claimed. Sure.

Rebel miners have a twisted view of the world. In a carebear's eyes, even something as admirable as a medal from The Conference Elite can form the basis of an insult.

Alt 00 had her hands full dealing with the children of Nakugard. A frank exchange of ideas ensued.

Actually, the "exchange of ideas" was pretty one-sided. Carebears don't have any ideas.

A new crisis emerged: Miner Locke Enderas was on the fence about renewing his subscription to EVE. Alt 00's priorities immediately shifted in Locke's direction--the game's player retention rates were at stake.

Locke offered some excuse about Alt 00 not showing up in time to receive payment. This is absurd, since you can always send someone isk regardless of whether they're online. (If you don't believe me, try sending one of our offline Agents 10 million isk right now.)

Somewhere in Iceland, another GM shed a tear.

Rather than arguing the point, Eva Riva went offline. I guess she wasn't cut out for space law.

Locke came up with another silly excuse. Alt 00 brushed it off and contacted the miner in private. Maybe he would be more cooperative if she got him away from prying eyes.

The miner sent our Agent the 10 million isk he owed her. Though he posted the permit in his bio, it contained some unnecessary disclaimers--a red flag for Locke's future.

For now, though, Locke was free to enjoy the Nakugard ice anomaly all by himself. The permit-less miners had already been removed by Alt 00.

The benefits of Code-compliance should have been obvious. The permit-carrying miner got to mine, while the rest of the miners could only bemoan the unfairness of life under New Order rule.

The carebears of Nakugard were slow learners. Still, Alt 00 wouldn't give up her search for a Gallant.

To be continued...

Thursday, February 16, 2017

The Search for Anti-Ganking, Part 4

Previously, on MinerBumping... Agent Alt 00's daring quest to find Anti-Gankers to reason with put her in peril: Her scout alt's Buzzard came face to face with a Tornado piloted by Telegram Sam.

A staring contest ensued between the covops frigate and the heavily armed battlecruiser. The CODE always wins, of course.

Always. Telegram's "ship that can't shoot back" was destroyed. Anti-Gankers are better at being ganked than preventing ganks.

Alt 00 was pleasantly surprised by Telegram's polite reaction to the gank. Of course, a Nakugard miner had to spoil the moment.

COS M1N was a fixture of the Nakugard mining scene. Despite being exposed to the Code on a frequent basis, he spent most of his days fuming in local chat.

There was little to be gained in reasoning with the miner. Clearly, he'd dug in his heels long ago.

Sadly, rebel miners who do stay at their keyboards tend to misuse them.

Alt 00 was disappointed to see that despite offering her a "gf" earlier, Telegram Sam wasn't the potentially Gallant Anti-Ganker she was looking for. He was a Gullible Gull.

The Gullible Gull says to himself, "The bullying I've heard about will start any moment now... Any... moment..." He waits forever for any sign of it. But at the same time, he completely dismisses the actual EULA violations that rebel miners routinely commit.

Telegram Sam excused himself and went to another system to fail at preventing ganks.

The next day, Alt 00 received some exciting news: The Conference Elite had awarded her the Conference Long Service Star! She was so proud of her medal that she couldn't wait to go to Nakugard and share the good news.

Our Agent's announcement about he medal was poorly received. The usual suspects were skulking around Nakugard and forced to dock up when she arrived. Obviously they were up to no good.

The threat level spiked when one of the rebel miners came up with a diabolical scheme to assassinate our Agent.

Using COS M1N's intel, the resistance fighters continued to develop their plan. Would Alt 00 finally encounter Anti-Gankers capable of preventing her from ganking?

As usual, the carebears were all talk and no action. Alt 00 began to seriously doubt whether a competent Anti-Ganker could be found anywhere.

To be continued...