Saturday, February 13, 2016

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #99

Saving highsec can be exhausting. Where do our indefatigable Agents get all their energy? The Code, obviously. Nevertheless, when dealing with swarms of angry carebears, it's usually best to just gradually ease into it, take on some of the more reasonable ones first, and--

But some days they're all lunatics. Welcome to the latest edition of the Highsec Miner Grab Bag!

derf Joringer was furious that he hadn't been given a chance to leave before our hero arrived to defend the ice anomaly. Unannounced visits tend to be more memorable, though.

Player Status: Retained.

Jason Davon's complaint actually highlights another of the services provided by the New Order. The man works too hard. Even when he takes a break from his busy life to play EVE, he finds himself getting up to "take care of some real life responsibilities". Our Agents ensure that EVE players remain focused on relaxation.

Unsurprisingly, Jason found himself on the receiving end of a wardec. He claims his first loyalty is to his brother. He could learn a thing or two from Jaroth Kings and his cousin.

Apparently in-game AIDS is rampant these days, because wishing a disease on someone in real life because they shot your spaceship and "acted polite" afterward would be crazy.

Quork Hummel lost his mining vessel and wasn't too happy about it. But he saved his harshest words to be spoken by his Orca alt:

Miner tears tend to follow certain trends. For a while, it was all about wishing cancer on Agents' family members, then it was about people dying in fires. Now this AIDS business. Where does this stuff come from?

You guessed it: the Anti-Ganking channel.

Our Agents are so good at ganking freighters that sometimes freighters self-destruct, vainly attempting to avoid producing a killmail. Our Agents are equally good at winning arguments. So we shouldn't be surprised to see carebears like Blood Barnette performing the rhetorical equivalent of a self-destruct.

But they, too, are unable to prevent our Agents from getting credit for their victories.

Agent Bing Bangboom is a figure of towering dignity in highsec. His very presence in local is enough to inspire carebears. When Bing entered the system, SpacePeanut Udan had to stop what he was doing and write down every thought that came into his head.

When miners brainstorm, this is the result.

SpacePeanut stopped numbering his thoughts, but he wasn't particularly good at counting to begin with. Sometimes people ask themselves, "What was that miner thinking?" Now you know.

If you don't believe me, take it from the countless EVE pilots whose gameplay we've enriched: The New Order is the best thing that has ever happened to new players. Agent Liek Darz, keep up the good work. And that goes for the rest of you, as well.

Friday, February 12, 2016

Uedama Burns Everyday

Consider the following a New Order community spotlight--in video form!

Agent Malon Kreed has received much praise for his videos. If you don't know why, click on the link below and you'll see for yourself:

Freighter ganking is elite PvP, that we know. It's also an artistic endeavor. Each freighter gank is a work of art. A masterpiece, in fact.


Speaking of burning, we recently took a look at the upcoming "Firefighter Stairclimb Challenge", an event in which our own Agent Lord Jasta will be participating.

The New Order is committed to eradicating the cancer of bot-aspirancy. As Agent Tengu Grib will tell you, we're also in favor of eliminating the cancer of cancer. See Lord Jasta's donation page for more info.

Over Eight Hundred Fifty-Five Billion in Shares Sold

Some people accuse the New Order of harvesting tears on an industrial scale. It's true that some carebears are guilty of crying in response to our appropriate, EULA-compliant, ethical, philosophically justified gameplay. However, the New Order spends most of its time making people happy.

You might say we're in the smile-harvesting business.

Kegan Bjornson was positively euphoric as he embraced the opportunity to purchase an additional 1,000 shares. The experience was so positive that he purchased another 250 shares immediately afterward. Kegan sent us over the 854 billion isk mark and earned himself a Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™. Does the excitement ever end?

Blackblood Execs is the latest corp to behave as a responsible corporate citizen. Its purchase of 25 shares was just enough to send us over the 855 billion isk mark. Every share counts. The corporation collectively earned a Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™.

Do you feel the trillion mark approaching yet?

Thursday, February 11, 2016

People Who Scare Away New Players

Every gank is a gift. It's an opportunity for a miner to prove, through his reaction, that he's worth keeping as a member of the EVE community. We all know that AFK miners add nothing to the game, but if they're willing to turn their lives around, they can begin to contribute.

Meet Marxus Toralen. Despite logging three years in the game, he was mining in highsec with an untanked Hulk. Agent Zopiclone gave him the gift of gank. Would Marxus rise to the occasion? Or would he flame out like a Goofus?

Hmmm. Not much to go on.

Zopiclone had to admit that the first signs weren't very encouraging. It was time to move this conversation to Scheenins local chat.

In local, sometimes a carebear will tone down his language to avoid embarrassing himself in front of others. That wasn't Marxus' style.

Marxus bitterly accused Zopiclone of driving people away from EVE. Unlike Marxus himself, who's a real people-person. Dealing with someone like Marxus is a real draw for potential EVE players.

The miner threatened to quit EVE, apparently for at least the second time. Accused of racism, Marxus casually reassured Zopiclone (and everyone else in the system) that he used racial slurs in a non-racist way. Maybe Zopiclone was the real racist, for jumping to conclusions?

Marxus wasn't one of those rebels who claim that the New Order has no effect on highsec; he was of the school that believes we're solely responsible for the decline in EVE subscriptions. This bothered him, because apparently it's more enjoyable to AFK mine when lots of other people are also AFK mining.

The miner placed all his hope in CCP. Nothing else could stop the New Order. What, are the Anti-Gankers chopped liver? (No, even chopped liver wins some of the time.)

Marxus launched into an impassioned speech about how much he loves EVE and EVE players. The New Order ruins the game for people who want to AFK mine and use racial slurs in a non-racist way.

If he cares so much about the newbros, why did Marxus only begin complaining about the Code after he lost his Hulk?

Marxus concluded his rant with an unintentional indictment of the mining mechanics. Still, he believed the game would be more fun with more players. Who wouldn't want to hang out with a bunch more people like Marxus Toralen?

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Mourning in Hysec, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... Mourning Hyland finally made her grand appearance in local after being ganked by Agent Alt 00. Our Agent's instincts told her that Mourning could be saved from her self-destructive bot-aspirant tendencies. For now, though, the miner steadfastly refused to have anything to do with the Code.

Mourning was an odd duck. She claimed to own a permit, but refused to use it. And she sounded for all the world like a total Goofus.

Things got nasty. At least, I think they did. Can anyone guess what Mourning's "GF" stood for?

Rebellious miners resemble rebellious children. Alt 00 decided that instead of talking about how much the miner needed guidance, she'd simply give the miner guidance--the best way she knew how:

Quoting me is always a good plan. On occasion, my words can soothe a savage miner. Even when they don't, they're edifying and useful for instruction.

The defiant miner was in a downward spiral. Alt 00 took pity on her. There was still a glimmer of hope: Mourning actually admitted that she didn't have a stockpile of extra Retrievers. A more obnoxious carebear would've played the "loss has already been replaced" card.

Mourning was semi-familiar with the Code. She had no interest in it. The Code wasn't her "thing". Carebears, if you live in highsec, the Code is everything.

Mourning and Alt 00 parted ways. She was no more willing to become compliant than before. Were our Agent's instincts wrong? Unruffled, Alt 00 resumed her duties.

Our Agents are never discouraged. They're perfectly satisfied by the knowledge that they're doing the right thing. That is its own reward.

Unexpectedly, Alt 00 was reunited with Mourning Hyland.

An experienced Agent knows how to read between the lines. Mourning was adrift, abandoned by a corp filled with isk-driven carebears. Despite her tough and prideful exterior, Alt 00 knew the miner must've been feeling neglected. Lonely.

Alt 00 didn't express her pity openly. She projected a sense of order and stability--which is exactly what she knew the miner needed.

Mourning Hyland's rebellious attitude softened.

Another reason why our Agents are never discouraged: The CODE always wins. Always.

No matter how much they may protest against the New Order, there's a Code-shaped hole in every miner. They can try to fill it with isk and Miner Bingo quotes and Anti-Ganking toxicity, but only for so long. Eventually, they'll come home. (Or quit EVE.)

Whenever a rebel is rescued from a terrible fate, the other rebels are disgusted. But their time will come also.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Mourning in Hysec, Part 1

Agents of the New Order routinely demonstrate the ability to retain incredible amounts of knowledge. From a miner's perspective, it almost seems as if our Agents know it all. Yet our Agents conduct a surprising amount of their business purely by instinct.

Agent Alt 00 had a feeling about Mourning Hyland. She could tell that Mourning was a non-compliant; she was AFK mining and lacked a permit. Our Agent's finely honed instincts told her that if she killed Mourning, the miner might be saved from bot-aspirancy.

So far, Alt 00's instincts were proving to be deadly accurate. She executed a perfect solo gank. As elite as this act of elite PvP was, Alt 00 knew it was only the beginning.

Our Agents are unafraid to trumpet their own victories in local. Self-promotion is, in this case, actually an act of supreme modesty, because Agents' victories really belong to the Code.

Local troublemaker Master ManiC couldn't resist whining. He predicted that CCP would soon curb suicide ganking by buffing the EHP of mining vessels. (Apparently he was unaware that CCP already did that in 2012. It virtually eliminated miner ganking, but the New Order resurrected the practice.)

Master wasted no time in parroting the typical pro-carebear drivel. Why had he reacted so badly to the gank of Mourning Hyland's Retriever? You'd think he was Mourning's alt, but no. There was another explanation.

Alt 00 had come to rescue Mourning Hyland. She still intended to. But a side effect of AFK mining is that our Agents sometimes have to wait a while before a miner returns to their keyboard to learn their lesson.

Master ManiC was, in essence, a warm-up act. Often a lesser-known band or a comedian will take the stage before the main event of a concert begins. Angry outbursts from random players in local serve the same function.

Alt 00 dealt with Master ManiC as she eagerly awaited the return of Mourning Hyland. The system was thick with anticipation. Would Mourning behave like a Goofus or a Gallant? Would she offer a "gf" in local? An apology? Or would she take Master ManiC's cue?

Gankers mark time through killmails. Alt 00's criminal timer ran down, and she ganked again. It was over 20 minutes since the death of Mourning's Retriever. There was still no sign of her.

At last, the moment had arrived!

Alt 00 could hardly contain her excitement. She quickly went to work deconstructing Mourning's misconceptions about the game. Highsec isn't a place where you can do whatever you want; it's a place where you can do whatever I want. No wonder highsec is the most popular area of EVE.

Mourning Hyland was a real firecracker. She vowed never to submit to the New Order. Strong words, but Alt 00 was an Agent of the New Order. There was no challenge she wasn't prepared to face.

To be continued...