Tuesday, October 13, 2015

The Doctor's Check-Up, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... Doctor Schutz spoke up in local after one of his alts got taken down by Agent Kalorned and his merry band. The doc had already been ganked earlier this year. Back then, his bot-aspirancy went through a period of remission, but later resurfaced in an even more malignant form. When Kalorned eliminated Schutz's alt, Schutz raged in local. Determining that another dose was needed, Kalorned's ganker alts ganked Schutz again, cutting him off in the middle of his anti-Code tirade.

"Take two ganks and convo me in the morning." That's the way it used to be done. These days, the New Order has the resources to monitor carebears immediately following a gank. Doctor Schutz was put under observation. Would he behave himself, or would he act like a Goofus in local for all to see?

Doctor Schutz underwent a self-examination and reported himself in good health. Kalorned wasn't so sure. Doctors often make bad patients, and Kalorned saw in Schutz all the symptoms of an acutely bumphurt miner.

Like so many other miners we've encountered, the miner took offense at being called a miner. Doctor Schutz's lack of objectivity threw all of his previous conclusions into doubt.

But the megalomaniac doctor only expanded the scope of his study. Now he was ready to diagnose problems afflicting EVE as a whole. Coincidentally, he concluded that EVE's biggest problem was the same group of people who had been ganking him.

Without warning, the highsec miner dropped a bombshell: CCP reversed its own position on how ganking affects player retention, and was now planning to change CONCORD.

Schutz was unable to locate the forum post that supported his shocking claim. No matter--he was already busy working on a new study. CODE., GoonSwarm Federation, and Pandemic Legion were subjected to Schutz's critical eye.

From the perspective of a random asteroid belt in highsec, Schutz could see everything.

Other highsec dwellers passing through the normally quiet system stopped to gawk at the conversation unfolding in local.

Schutz disclosed new details about CCP's plans to buff CONCORD. Once again, producing the source of his information proved impossible.

Imagine if Doctor Schutz's ships hadn't been ganked. We never would have learned his secret information about CCP!

Kalorned quietly continued his observation of the miner. Nevertheless, he fielded some questions from the local populace. (No matter where they go, Agents of the New Order are seen as authority figures in highsec, and as a trusted source of information.)

The mad doctor's symptoms worsened with each new conspiracy theory he embraced.

What have we learned today? Proper care must be tailored to each individual bot-aspirant. Some need to be ganked only once before they accept the Code. Some must be ganked several times. Others must be ganked almost endlessly. As a cost-saving measure, some would suggest that we simply abandon the miners who suffer from the most severe cases of bot-aspirancy. But that's not how we do it in the New Order. Our philosophy: No miner left behind.

Monday, October 12, 2015

The Doctor's Check-Up, Part 1

Some people don't like picking strawberries, but our Agents don't mind it. Keraina Talie-Kuo and Krominal spotted a fail-fit Hulk operating in a quiet little system. They terminated it.

Surprise! The Hulk was part of a little strawberry patch of mining alts. One of them spoke up. It was Doctor Schutz, whose similarly named alt Dr Schutz had previously been the subject of a minor study.

The mad doctor had originally been persuaded to support the New Order, but when his permit was revoked for AFK mining not long afterward, he underwent a Jekyll-to-Hyde transformation.

Now it was time for the doctor to get his check-up. Agent Kalorned and his ganker alts had provided Doctor Schutz with a surprise follow-up examination.

Prognosis: Negative.

Despite having several months to reflect on his failings, Schutz showed no signs of warming to the New Order. It was as if he believed the answer to life's problems was mining in highsec, rather than obeying the Code. He had a peculiar philosophy.

Schutz was now an opponent of suicide ganking. He felt it was too "lame" to be considered content. AFK mining, on the other hand, was enough content to keep him paying four subscriptions each month.

Doctor Schutz explained that his mining was superior to Kalorned's ganking because he could do it while performing his real-life job. Assuming someone employs Doctor Schutz, I'm sure they would agree that the two activities should be kept separate.

Now the doctor began to psychoanalyze Agent Kalorned. Yet Kalorned was a happy, healthy citizen of the New Order. He'd just achieved self-actualization with a successful suicide gank. Schutz was the one with the dead Hulk and the attitude problem.

Meanwhile, a stray pilot flew through local and cheered on the New Order. I remember when we only received jeers and threats in local. We're winning hearts and minds every day.

Doctor Schutz considered himself an expert on the inner workings of the New Order. The 10 million isk mining permits were the Order's main source of income for Catalysts, he explained. (Someone needs to tell this guy about our exciting shareholder opportunities.)

Like many miners these days, Schutz was the recipient of multiple ganks from different Agents. While it's true that all of our Agents enforce the same Code, Schutz failed to appreciate all the unique little flourishes they add to the process.

Doctor Schutz was working himself up into one of those angry soliloquies that rebel miners are famous for. But suddenly his speech was cut short when Kalorned's alts landed on Dr Schutz's Covetor and also destroyed his 98 million isk pod. With any luck, the gank would knock Doctor Schutz back to his senses. Or would he only become even more detached from reality?

To be continued...

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Kills of the Week

The New Order carries out a lot of responsibilities when it comes to highsec. All of the responsibilities, basically. But the duty we take most seriously is our duty to protect and defend highsec. Perhaps counterintuitively, that mostly involves killing people in highsec. Statecraft is complicated. Let's see how we did during the week of October 4th @ 00:00 EVEtime through October 10th @ 23:59 EVEtime.

John Omaristos Omaristos is an interesting guy. His jump freighter came under an attack launched by two hyperdunking specialists, Agents Philipa and Faylee Freir. At this point, John convo'ed the bumper and told them to let him go, since he was an alt of a member of the Imperium. That would've been useful, had John been traveling through Imperium space instead of New Order space. The attack continued. Unfortunately for John, all of the Imperium's 40,000 members were busy doing other stuff at the time, and no one came to rescue him.

Upon opening the two dozen Plastic Wraps, our heroes discovered loot worth 30 billion isk, according to Evepraisal. Also, note from the killmail that the ship had plenty of jump fuel. You know how the theme park crowd is always begging CCP to give freighters more ways of defending themselves? Consider: John had the ability to teleport to safety and didn't bother using it. Some carebears can't be helped.

In recognition of the recent hyperdunking news, how about a hyperdunking double feature this week?

Ypsasieh Yug had 15 billion isk of ship and cargo, but no money to spare on fittings of any kind for his freighter. It must've been fate that he met up with Agent Faylee Freir, who was in the mood for more hyperdunking. But Faylee had a child to attend to IRL! What to do?

What a contrast with the carebears. They often excuse their AFK mining and hauling by claiming to take care of babies. Faylee managed to hyperdunk and take care of a baby simultaneously. When it comes to family values, no one beats the New Order.

It looked like Rolan Zes was going to be the victim of another by-the-numbers gank. After unsuccessfully space lawyering, his 4.9 billion isk Bowhead was soon destroyed. Suddenly, a plot twist--

Agent Wolf Soprano's Vigilant got top damage on the gank, because Rolan Zes inexplicably offered him a duel while the gank fleet was on its way. Huh? Now cue the dramatic music: As the Bowhead was about to explode, Rolan ejected from it and re-shipped into a proper combat ship. With the duel still active, he planned to turn the tables on Wolf Soprano.

Naturally, the result was that our Agent won the battle and destroyed Rolan's 3.6 billion isk Marauder. Like all of our Agents, Wolf Soprano loves to shoot ships that can shoot back, so it was a pleasure.

Rolan retreated in his pod, which was soon ganked for another 1.9 billion isk loss. In all, Rolan lost 10.4 billion isk. Maybe that's why most carebears don't try to come up with clever plans. You can't turn the tables against people who always win, and the CODE always wins.

Oops! Rohan Kashada was carrying around 33.7 billion isk worth of random garbage, and 0.00 billion isk worth of mining permits. That ratio needed improving. Agents BAE B BLUE, Gunther Cucs, Yabba Dabba Do, Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri, dude there's my-pod, Darnoth, Dirk Magnum, Bratok Srayona, Eva Mavas, TheInternet TweepsOnline TheInternet, Izzy Sunji, loyalanon, Vitalix Shouna, 0rigin, InferiDiii, Alicia Adler, rackarns, Flannery, Maddie Mcbumplug, mooking, Moogular, Knackered Old Goat, SynthiaGreey, Lillie Naari, Kyalla Ahashion, Melon Arbalabator, kaz89, BAE B PEW, Aaaarrgg, Mike Litorous, Tr4buc0, Ivy Kusoni, Brudal Aletheias, Nullus Modus, Daro Mozu, and Hista came to the rescue.

Most commenters on zKillboard agreed with the decision to terminate this vessel.

A lot of highsec dwellers have learned not to go autopiloting in a shuttle these days. But no one ever told Neverblu, who paid a 4.1 billion isk penalty for her ignorance. Agent PV Rock served as her executioner, and he patiently awaited a convo request.

The CODE always wins the argument. Always.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #90

Don't you feel privileged to be able to witness the transformation of highsec? Enjoy a slice of modern highsec life in this edition of the Grab Bag.

Freighter pilot 22Ryu22 was having a bad day. This is surprising, since he allegedly met up with TheInternet TweepsOnline TheInternet's gang.

It sounds like there's more to this story...

...Though I have a feeling you can guess how it ends.

Statisticians proved to CCP's satisfaction that ganking improves player retention. Though we don't have access to all of their data, our anecdotal evidence confirms their findings.

A few minutes later, Alexandra Macdonald lost her 6.5 billion isk jump freighter. Never tempt the New Order.

CommanderKern maintained a positive attitude, despite losing his implants.

On second thought, he had a rebellious attitude. The Code requires compliance in thought, deed, and emotional state.

Anti-Ganker NutGravy went on a rant about something entirely unrelated to the Code. This was odd, as normally highsec is completely preoccupied by the New Order. We're all that anyone ever talks about. Somehow, NutGravy was going to make a segue. Would it be an ugly one?

Topical, but ugly. The Anti-Ganking "community" is as toxic as it gets.

More than one interested buyer has approached me about real-life mining permits. However, I do not create them, and the artist responsible has chosen to remain anonymous at this time. v0v

Cause and effect, logic and reason: After his freighter was ganked and he lost 3.4 billion in collateral, Kozar Benzo did the rational thing. He bought a mining permit.

You know how carebears are always threatening us with kill rights? It never comes to anything. But here, Agent Tisiphone Dira demonstrates how kill rights are supposed to be used.

"My corp is boring and AFK all the time." It's a lament we hear all across highsec. The solution is not to grant those terrible corps immunity from wardecs, as the theme parkers would have it. Rather, we must reach out to as many of the corps' members as possible, and give them the Code.

Fifty-five mining permits sold in a batch, bought by someone who cared. EVE can be a cold, harsh universe, but there's good in it, too. It's us. We're the good in EVE.