Wednesday, November 20, 2019


Please stand by for an important message from Agent Lawrence Lawton:

People who don't play EVE Online wonder what EVE is? This is EVE.

Distinguished members of the Poddington family have joined Doomheim to ensure that the future of ganking is as bright as humanly possible--and the bot-aspirants tremble.

...For there is always another gank to be had.

Let's make it official, then. The Lawton School for Pubbies Who Can't Mine Good has added to its already-sizable cache of New Order shares with its 77 billion isk order for 77,000 shares. This took us past the... here we go... 1,925, 1,926, 1,927, 1,928, 1,929, 1,930, 1,931, 1,932, 1,933, 1,934, 1,935, 1,936, 1,937, 1,938, 1,939, 1,940, 1,941, 1,942, 1,943, 1,944, 1,945, 1,946, 1,947, 1,948, 1,949, 1,950, 1,951, 1,952, 1,953, 1,954, 1,955, 1,956, 1,957, 1,958, 1,959, 1,960, 1,961, 1,962, 1,963, 1,964, 1,965, 1,966, 1,967, 1,968, 1,969, 1,970, 1,971, 1,972, 1,973, 1,974, 1,975, 1,976, 1,977, 1,978, 1,979, 1,980, 1,981, 1,982, 1,983, 1,984, 1,985, 1,986, 1,987, 1,988, 1,989, 1,990, 1,991, 1,992, 1,993, 1,994, 1,995, 1,996, 1,997, 1,998, 1,999, 2,000, and 2,001 billion isk marks.

The result? An unprecedented Septenseptuaguple Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™. And this:

More than 2 trillion isk worth of New Order shares have been sold. As for the Lawton School, it now boasts ownership of 130,315 shares, making the corp our fourth-biggest shareholder.

You know, when the New Order began, some might have doubted our ability to raise 2 trillion isk to support the Code in highsec. Some might have doubted the goodness and generosity of EVE players. However...

...Those who know the Code well never doubt. Agent Alt 00 commissioned artwork to celebrate the two trillion landmark--not knowing that it had been reached earlier that very day!

This portrait paints a fine picture of the New Order's decency and humanity. I wonder, though, about the impact this portrait will have on all of those isk-grubbing highsec miners who grouse about paying 10 million isk. Will they be inspired by the 2 trillion--or jealous of it?

Some might ask what comes next. Our Agents aren't known for resting on their laurels--despite earning countless laurels. No, I can only say this: The three trillion isk mark awaits.

So it's back to the business of saving highsec. On that note, see this EVEmail from Andy Post POSTAL:

Where's the money?

On we go, with another 2,000 shares purchased. Andy's newly acquired stock brings us past the 2,002 and 2,003 billion isk marks and earns him a dignified Double Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™.

Our victories continue.

Tuesday, November 19, 2019

The Best Revenge, Part 15

Previously, on MinerBumping... Although Goon Security was still busy checking his credentials, aiva naali settled into his position as the strategic commander of the Imperium. With the help of his friends in the New Order, aiva now commanded nullsec's largest coalition in its massive war against Pandemic Horde.

aiva looked forward to the day that he could command the Imperium's fleets in person. For now, though, he instructed his colleagues on how to solve a civil war among Chinese EVE players.

A capable diplomat in his own right, aiva preferred to focus his attention on developing strategies for all-out warfare. That was his specialty.

As a disciple of Sun Tzu, aiva knew the importance of deception. That was what Operation "shrub" was all about; he eagerly awaited news of its success.

Agent Aiko Danuja--known on Discord as "Vom"--kept aiva apprised of the Chinese conflict. Though bloody, it appeared that the Imperium would be victorious.

In spite of all the distractions, aiva kept his eye on the ball. Defeating Pandemic Horde was his primary objective. Once PH was out of the way, aiva could turn his attention to Test Alliance Please Ignore and its legions.

As the Imperium's master strategist, it was aiva's job to remember the big picture. As he often reminded anyone who would listen, aiva was always a few steps ahead of everyone else.

aiva's intense focus on the defeat of PH did not prevent him from exploring his other interests, however. On occasion, he introduced his Discord friends to new concepts.

For example, aiva was responsible for designing popular fits for stealth bombers. Having shared that nugget, the master strategist went back to work on EVE's next great war.

After everything they had been through together, aiva and Aiko had established a fair amount of trust with one another. aiva was impressed with the way that Aiko had carried out his orders. The time had come to pay the latest installment in the Goon security fee. At over 5 billion isk, the price was steep--but worth it. After all, aiva would soon be playing with fleets worth trillions.

But the security check would continue for now.

With the deposit of his latest fees, aiva felt the time was ripe to send an update to the Saviour of Highsec. Naturally, the ruler of highsec was very interested in hearing about aiva's progress in pacifying nullsec.

And there was indeed much news to share.

To be continued...

Monday, November 18, 2019

The Best Revenge, Part 14

Previously, on MinerBumping... In a matter of weeks, aiva naali went from highsec miner to chief theorycrafter for the Imperium--or so he thought. Although aiva was preoccupied with his secret superweapon projects, the fact remained that he had not yet been cleared by Goon security.

Through Discord, aiva kept his friends in the New Order updated on the latest in aivaworld. Next on the agenda: Operation "mans fear". aiva's colleagues had only two weeks to prepare. Hopefully the Goon security check would be done by then. The result of the security check, of course, was not in doubt.

Things escalated quickly. In a moment of inspiration, aiva decided to schedule Operation "shrub" for the very next day. The self-styled nullsec mastermind was tired of merely talking about his ideas. He wanted to see them in action.

...But aiva would need to settle for the next best thing--a written report. All of the action happened off-screen.

Slowly but surely, aiva became accustomed to the idea of commanding the Imperium's forces from Discord. To be sure, it was only a desk job--but an important one.

Nevertheless, it was inevitable that aiva would wish to see his war plans carried out in person. When that happened, he would find out whether his friends in the New Order were faithfully translating his dreams into reality--or if his fleets only existed on paper.

For now, though, aiva was too busy micromanaging the Imperium's war against Pandemic Horde. He expected it would be a fight to the finish.

A new series of orders issued from aiva's desk. The long-awaited "wreaking ballqual" and "muse" were to be given proper tests. In case the details of these fleet compositions are not clear, they mostly involved titans, freighters, and Rorquals. If that sounds strange, remember that only aiva had the secret sauce to make them effective.

But, as usual, there was more to aiva's plan than met the eye. He wanted his superweapons to be subjected to both real and false tests. That way, Pandemic Horde spies would be misled by the results of the fake tests.

Regardless, this time, aiva would be coordinating the tests in person. No one else was qualified to fine-tune the wreaking ballqual, muse, and fake ("fack") muse.

Unfortunately, a minor hiccup scuttled the tests. aiva (recently code-named "anvil") was immediately informed.

Until the Chinese civil war was sorted out, aiva would not be able to see his secret weapons in action. Naturally, the Imperium called upon aiva to figure out how to deal with the civil war. He obliged.

After all, the Imperium's new leader had everything well in hand.

To be continued...

Sunday, November 17, 2019

Kills of the Week

Practice, practice, practice! You know, for years our Agents have been telling the carebears to get right with the Code and start an exciting new career in ganking. Carebears need to learn how to PvP properly. Otherwise, they'll fall behind the rest of EVE. It's such an important lesson that our Agents are willing to give these carebears the push--the bump, if you will--that they need. From the week of November 10th @ 00:00 EVEtime through November 16th @ 23:59 EVEtime...

Former freighter pilots of EVE, you cannot hide your contraband in an Occator. Our Agents have been killing those things forever. Daspus Tuggs managed to lose a staggering 48 billion isk when he was caught autopiloting. Agents Vlada Inkunen, Ukira Kunero, Rante Charante, Zhung Fei, and Ariku Orenuk sacrificed 5 Tornadoes and scooped 26 billion. Not bad.

This was the kind of stuff that Daspus was hauling around. Daspus needs to PvP more.

On the other hand, PvP'ing badly is never the answer! Highsec miner TieLight somehow got the idea to duel Agent Krig Povelli while in a 252 million isk Mackinaw. Krig was in a Triglavian assault frigate at the time. And he had the Code. After Krig easily won the battle, he popped TieLight's 684 million isk pod. Then the miner sought revenge by bringing in a capacitor-tanked Dominix to suicide gank Agent Krig. Once again, Krig won. Noticing a pattern yet, carebears?

Late last week, Raynord took a speed-tanked jump freighter into Jita, a place where jump freighters tend to die. Somehow the bot-aspirant managed to be surprised by what happened next. 'Twas a delightful ambush organized by the Kusion and Fizzleblade families: Agents Jason Kusion, Jeremy Kusion, Joel Kusion, Jayson Kusion, Jake Kusion, Josh Kusion, Ilvari, Yojiro, Franz Fizzleblade, Justin Kusion, Luscius Uta, Jeffery Kusion, Gottfried Fizzleblade, Jack Fizzleblade, Archibald Fizzleblade, Walther Fizzleblade, Unfit ForDoody, Hermann Fizzleblade, Jared Kusion, Jonas Kusion, Jaiden Kusion, Jack Kusion, Erich Fizzleblade, Lutz Fizzleblade, Jax Kusion, Jacob Kusion, Hagen Fizzleblade, Karl Friedrich Fizzleblade, Etriza, Homoerotic Finger Painting, and Miraille. Another 10 billion isk down the drain.

Still, hauler pilots continue to experiment with ways to try (and fail) to evade detection. Elkin Sklor used an interceptor as a hauler. He was caught by Agents Cautiously Optimistic and Depressed and Aroused, who keep smartbombing battleships in lowsec for just this purpose. Elkin fully intended to smuggle his wares into highsec. Not while the New Order is in charge, my friend.

Yes, even ordinary cruisers are being transformed into Code-violating haulers. Solomon Iskander thought he'd be inconspicuous in a Maller. Just in case his gambit failed, he decided to equip some defenses. But he couldn't decide which strategy to use. Tank, speed, or Warp Core Stabilizers? He tried all three. And they all failed. Agents Narl' Amhar, Votre Dieu, Astrid Tyrfing, and Rungerd taught the carebear that there's only one way to stay alive in highsec: Obey the Code.

Even in 2019, there are people who think they can autopilot through highsec in a shuttle. Victor Victor Rothwulf had 4.3 billion isk worth of implants, but he couldn't even bring himself to protect them with more than a shuttle. Agent Aaaarrgg pops shuttles for a reason. People like Victor are the reason.

Farewell, Victor's implants.

Saturday, November 16, 2019

Tugging at the Hems of Power, Part 1

"Here is my permit," says the rebellious miner.

"...And here is your gank," replies the valiant Knight.

Skrymir Ornulf got a special delivery of karma from a group of Agents whose name began with the letter "K". This should have been enough to warn the miner against doing what he did next.

But the miner was a Goofus, and he knew not to whom he spoke.

Skrymir's antics drew the notice of Agent Kalorned, a professional Orthrus pilot with infinite bump ammo. Thanks to Skrymir, the Orthrus was summoned to the system and began bumping an Orca. The Orca was put out of commission, but Skrymir's friends were eager to retaliate.

This resulted in the destruction of a Harpy belonging to one of Skrymir's corpmates. Had Agent Kalorned's ganker alts scored another kill?

In fact, the Harpy had attempted to suicide Kalorned's Orthrus. It met the same fate as every other rebel who has taken up arms against the storied ship. So much for all of the carebears' complaints about ganking being overpowered, lacking risk, etc.

Skrymir seethed--and threatened.

His corp, Tug Industries Corporation, had all of the usual red flags in its corp description. 'Twas yet another "do everything/nothing" corp that marketed itself to new players.

Kalorned shrugged off the threats and renewed his bumping campaign. Before long, though, the Harpy pilot appeared again. Was Tug Industries Corporation serious about overthrowing the New Order?

This time, the rebel was in a Merlin. It attempted to free the Orca from being bump-tackled by webbing it. And when this tactic failed...

...He tried webbing Kalorned's Orthrus instead. The only result was CONCORD. Our Agent marveled at the anti-Code miners' foolishness. But their rebellion was only just getting started.

To be continued...