Friday, December 2, 2016

Nullsec Renters in the New Highsec

Rebels and skeptics often ask, "Why doesn't the New Order go gank the nullsec renters? They're the ones who use mining bots." Actually, we do gank them. We gank nullsec renters all the time--when they come to highsec and violate the Code.

Clara Henkel was originally a highsec miner. She decided to seek her fortune in nullsec by joining notorious renter alliance Brothers of Tangra. Still, she made use of highsec from time to time. She was caught hauling her ill-gotten goods by Agent Semtex Attor, who sent her a standard EVEmail telling her about the Code. Clara carefully considered this new information and penned a reply.
Re: Notice of Service
From: Clara Henkel
Sent: 2016.10.29 04:44
To: Semtex Attor,

dafuk are you sending me this toilet paper. you fucking faggot. die from cancer bitch
The miner was skeptical about the relevance of the Code and its application to her life.
Re: Notice of Service
From: Semtex Attor
Sent: 2016.10.29 04:45
To: Clara Henkel,

Miner, calm down. Just make sure you get a permit before undocking in a new ship in James 315 space!

If you want me to send you a permit, just transfer the Isk. Thank you in advance!
When miners rely on their emotions, they tend to make poor decisions. Semtex tried to get Clara to focus by asking her to calm down. Come to think of it, maybe the standard form EVEmail sent to gank recipients should begin with "Miner, calm down."
Re: Notice of Service
From: Clara Henkel
Sent: 2016.10.29 04:48
To: Semtex Attor,

It appeared that the miner's attempt to calm down was unsuccessful.
Re: Notice of Service
From: Semtex Attor
Sent: 2016.10.29 04:58
To: Clara Henkel,

Watch your blood pressure! A permit will save the day though!
Most people don't know it, but there are many scientific studies about the negative health effects of anger. Our Agents strive to improve miners in every way possible. Not all of us are technically doctors, but still.
Re: Notice of Service
From: Clara Henkel
Sent: 2016.10.29 05:00
To: Semtex Attor,

i hope ccp will ban all this faggots like you. fucking donkeys
Clara reflected on the exchange she'd just had with Agent Semtex. She was sure that CCP would disapprove of Semtex's conduct.
Re: Notice of Service
From: Semtex Attor
Sent: 2016.10.29 05:04
To: Clara Henkel,

I hope you get a permit quick enough so you can fly safe in James 315 space and don't lose anything like this again: Kill: Clara Henkel (Mammoth).

I can offer you some Women's 'Outlaw' Boots (Blood Raiders) still, but that will add up to the 10 million isk....
Clara still needed a mining permit. Agent Semtex was willing to sell her one, along with some mining permit accessories. (Our Agent wasn't aggressive with the upselling, though.)
Re: Notice of Service
From: Clara Henkel
Sent: 2016.10.29 05:09
To: Semtex Attor,

i hope you get an ass cancer
The miner allowed her passions to rule her. So far, it didn't look like a mining permit was in the cards. Was Clara a Goofus?
Re: Notice of Service
From: Clara Henkel
Sent: 2016.10.29 05:18
To: Semtex Attor,

just die idiot
Some careless words were spoken. Semtex quickly asked Clara to clarify that she only wanted him to die in-game.
Re: Notice of Service
From: Clara Henkel
Sent: 2016.10.29 05:32
To: Semtex Attor,

just die idiot. in real life. you and all your childrens when they born. they will be a genetic trash coz of you
At this point, Agent Semtex determined that a more personal touch was needed. He invited her to join him on TeamSpeak to discuss the matter in a more relaxed environment.
Re: Notice of Service
From: Clara Henkel
Sent: 2016.10.29 05:52
To: Semtex Attor,

i don't wanna talk with faggot people like you. keep masturbating on stupid suicide kill
Sadly, Clara wasn't interested in maintaining a dialogue with Semtex, much less opening a new one with whatever Agents might've been on TeamSpeak at the moment. The miner stopped sending new EVEmails. One can only hope she stops violating the Code, too.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Let Them See the Real EVE

The New Order has performed literally hundreds of thousands of kills in the name of the Code. Each one is special, though some are extra special.

Captain WooZ lost an unlicensed Drake while doing missions or some other silly PvE activity. He was ganked by our Agents, of course. The Drake loss was felt by more people than just WooZ, though.

Yes, it was yet another brilliant stream snipe! Why do our Agents love to snipe streams so much? Because it allows stream audiences to see that EVE isn't about mining or other forms of PvE. EVE is about the Code.

The magic was captured on the French carebear's Twitch stream. It was the first time exciting, meaningful gameplay was broadcast to his viewers.

Side note: Officially sanctioned versions of the Code are currently available in English, Russian, German, and Spanish. We're still waiting on a French translation.

Over One Trillion Ninety-Nine Billion in Shares Sold

The New Order loves to meet new people--and new shareholders.

Dmitry Hareka made an outstanding first impression by buying 555 shares and sending us right over the 1 trillion 99 billion isk mark. This earned him a Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™, something I'm sure he'll treasure forever.

One trillion ninety-nine billion. Interesting. We're almost to the very first post-trillion, hundred billion mark. Who will get us there? I have a feeling we'll find out soon.

Top Supporters for November 2016

Each month, MinerBumping immortalizes its top isk contributors in a hall of fame post. The "Month's Top Supporters" sidebar will begin showing the current month's supporters in a few days. You can view the August 2012, September, October, November, December, January 2013, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, January 2014, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, January 2015, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, January 2016, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, and October top 10 lists at the appropriate links.

Here are our top isk contributors for November 2016:

November 2016

#1. Terok Gnull
10,000,000,000 isk

#2. Gavrillo Ferdinand
1,000,000,000 isk

#3. Dmitry Hareka
555,000,000 isk

#4. Marcus Oltsato
315,000,000 isk

#5. Apo123
100,000,000 isk

#5. Delta Work
100,000,000 isk

#7. Antarrio
60,000,000 isk

#8. Samuel Dunston
25,000,000 isk

#9. Noir Stelle
20,000,000 isk

#9. Talos Valcoren
20,000,000 isk

Every month, the rebels and Anti-Gankers say that the downfall of the New Order is imminent. Every month, they're catastrophically wrong. The New Order marches onward, fueled by generosity and goodness of spirit. Our triumph continues.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Better Early Than Late, Better Late Than Never

Carebear apologists express a great deal of insincere concern for "newbros". They say we must nerf ganking to protect new players. And if those nerfs just so happen to also benefit the older carebears--oh well, not their intention! But in truth, ganking isn't bad for new players. If a carebear spends too much time in EVE before his first loss, the pain is more severe, not less.

viperme lost a fail-fit Hulk. This pitiable ship was the first loss on viperme's zKillboard record. viperme has been playing EVE for nine and a half years.

Agent Lawrence Lawton reminded the grizzled veteran of his responsibilities under the Code. According to the carebears, someone who's been playing EVE for nearly a decade should be in the proper frame of mind to be ganked.

And yet, the tears did flow.

Agent Lawrence treated the miner like any other. viperme didn't seem to be any more mature than the ones who have been playing only a few days before their first loss.

Just shy of 10 years into the game, viperme still didn't understand the emergent gameplay competitive non-consensual elite PvP sandbox that is EVE. It was as if miners need someone to teach them, or else they'll never get it.

No one had ever reached out to viperme before. Agent Lawrence Lawton was willing. He introduced the miner to the game.

It was then that Lawrence realized that viperme was unusually salty, even for a highsec miner. Could it be that going an extended period of time without being ganked makes things worse for a carebear?

Our Agent had no choice but to classify viperme as a "problem" miner. There can be little doubt that viperme would be happier and healthier in every respect today, had someone done him the favor of ganking him back in 2007.

Agent Lawrence confirmed that the miner suffered from elevated levels of salt, a condition marked by sending multiple tearmails without waiting for a reply.

viperme felt his EVE experience had been ruined. He'd only managed to go nine and a half years without losing a ship. What a tragedy. He probably won't make it to the year 2026 without losing another one. How can a carebear enjoy a game when he's constantly having to watch his back?

Additional tearmails from viperme began to clutter Lawrence's inbox.

Another theory: Miners naturally accumulate reserves of salt which grow until finally released via gank.

After sending a dozen tearmails, viperme finally went quiet. Did he calm down, or did he simply exhaust himself? To find out, we must wait and see if Agent Lawrence Lawton receives his 30 million isk Red Pen fee.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Calming the Miners of Osmon, Part 3

Previously, on MinerBumping... Agent Liek DarZ brought the Code to the miners of Osmon. He soon learned that they were in desperate need of his calming influence.

Agent Liek observed that the miners had peculiar ideas about PvP. Namely, they were against it. This is a strange attitude to have. It would be like signing up to play EVE Online even though you hate spaceships. But it was worse than that--the miners lacked civility.

To the carebears of Osmon, ganking someone is as impolite as sending them a real-life death threat. No wonder they petition ganks.

Our Agent was confident that he could bring the miners to their senses, if only they would calm down.

As a trained Agent of the New Order, Liek knew to instruct the miners to calm down. The tricky part is, when miners aren't calm, they don't follow instructions very well.

Seeing the Osmon mining community in such a sorry state, Liek DarZ relied entirely upon his faith in the Code.

The Code guarantees ultimate victory in highsec. Every Agent knows that no matter how much opposition they face, they will be rewarded if only they continue to press onward.

Agent Liek encountered Hannah Galvinov illegally mining in a fail-fit Retriever. He stopped her criminal enterprise dead in its tracks. But could he start her rehabilitation?

Hannah didn't seem like a prime candidate for a mining permit. She denied the legitimacy of the New Order.

Hannah also lacked a basic knowledge of the Code. How can one follow a Code if one doesn't know it? Our Agent stepped in to help her, effectively acting as Hannah's private tutor.

A breakthrough: Hannah began to calm down. And once she started calming down, her desire to become calm only grew.

...And calm miners buy permits.

Agent Liek DarZ experienced the victory of the Code in Osmon. Miners saw wisdom in compliance.

It doesn't hurt that Liek is a likeable fellow--a quality possessed by all our Agents. You know what's interesting? When miners buy permits and obey the Code, they start to become likeable, too.

Monday, November 28, 2016

Calming the Miners of Osmon, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... Osmon miner gslayer bought a permit but soon found himself on the receiving end of a gank from Liek DarZ, the very Agent who'd sold him the permit. Liek patiently lectured gslayer about the miner's Code violations. Though gslayer was satisfied by the explanation and bought another permit, the residents of Osmon showed signs of not understanding the Code.

Highsec carebears usually have trouble absorbing the Code's lessons--even though they're crystal clear.

Most likely the carebears' confusion represents a lack of willingness to understand, rather than a lack of ability. They don't want to accept the implications of having rules to follow.

And yet, the benefits of the Code are so obvious that only a hardened Anti-Ganker can miss them. Some carebears seek comfort in an attitude of ambiguity.

Dave Maulerant couldn't believe that people would subscribe to EVE simply to build a civilization and enjoy creating emergent content. From his perspective, the only good reason to spend a PLEX on EVE is to be able to grind isk to buy another PLEX.

Agent Liek knew that a proper civilization cannot be built in a single gaming session, even one packed with elite PvP. He visited Osmon again and again, planting the seeds of progress.

The destruction of Hobbes Rotinque's Retriever was one more seed. Hobbes was disturbed by the experience. Change--real change--is never easy.

For whatever reason, Hobbes was biased against the Code. Perhaps he instinctively felt the call to give up his life of bot-aspirancy, and it scared him.

In almost every case where a miner embraces the Code, he is calm. And in every case where a miner compounds his Code violations with tearmaking, he is not calm. You can see why our Agents make calmness such a high priority.

Hobbes sent mixed messages about his anatomy, but there was no mistaking his state of mind: He was a Goofus.

Except in situations where our Agents show off their elite PvP prowess with simultaneous ganks, miners can only be ganked one at a time. By contrast, multiple miners can be cultivated at once. Our Agents don't need to fully rescue one miner before moving on to the next. After all, an unruly miner can be given follow-up visits later, if needed.

Liek DarZ deleted Ivam Pirogof's Retriever from Osmon only to discover that a Goofus had been at the helm.

The more time our Agent spent in Osmon, the more he found a need for a new equivalent to "miner calm down". There was definitely some perversion going on here. Could Agent Liek clear away the mess and make Osmon beautiful?

To be continued...