Monday, May 25, 2020

The Best Revenge, Part 68

Previously, on MinerBumping... aiva naali aka FighterJets GuitarSolo 1000Years remained absolutely dedicated to his mission: Destroy Pandemic Horde and its supercapital fleet by any means necessary--though preferably by a means he'd theorycrafted himself.

aiva had already developed plenty of tactics and strategies for defeating Pandemic Horde, but his brain couldn't stop. He couldn't leave anything to chance.

Micromanager aiva specialized in macromanaging, as well. His attention turned toward the Imperium's finances. aiva's gaze would mercilessly seek out any inefficiency in the organization. Luckily, aiva's council knew their stuff.

But aiva's own finances were of importance, as well. He continued to pour billions into his titan/Nyx/investment fund/PLEX manipulation/whatever.

Though he kept up with his payments as best he could, aiva looked forward to the day that he would be free of any such obligations. He believed that at some point in the future, he would find a way to acquire infinite isk. Perhaps if everyone in the Imperium became addicted to gambling?

Despite his lofty position at the top of the Imperium hierarchy, aiva never forgot about the plight of the average line member. He knew they were spending long, lonely hours on guard duty. He'd ordered them to do it.

aiva's analysis of the Imperium determined that the coalition had left itself vulnerable. Everyone needed to do a lot more mining.

An organization as large and complex as the Imperium couldn't turn on a dime. But with aiva's council cracking the whip, things could get done more quickly than you'd expect.

On occasion, members of aiva's council offered suggestions of their own. aiva entertained them--or pretended to--but he knew that his own ideas were best.

aiva gained a reputation as a Renaissance man. He could speak with confidence on any subject whatsoever. Those lucky enough to find themselves in his orbit took advantage.

aiva never tired of sharing his gifts. Quite frankly, it's possible that he sort of liked having an audience.

And while his council members were not on the same level, at least they were intelligent enough to appreciate aiva.

aiva's council knew that one day they would log into the Discord channel and find it empty. If that happened, they would know that aiva had finally constructed a nuclear-powered, faster-than-light spaceship and gone off to explore the galaxy in real life. On that day, they would simply nod and smile to themselves. But selfishly, they hoped that aiva would destroy Pandemic Horde first.

To be continued...

Sunday, May 24, 2020

Kills of the Week


To the bot-aspirant carebear, victory is a distant dream. They can't even imagine what it would be like to experience victory. But to the Agents of the New Order, victory is a constant companion. Each and every day, our Code enforcers pull off astonishing, magnificent victories. Here's a sample from the week of May 17th @ 00:00 EVEtime through May 23rd @ 23:59 EVEtime...

Judging by his name, piloting a Rhea was central to Rheactive's identity. Yet even a jump freighter enthusiast like Rheactive couldn't remain at his keyboard; he fell victim to bot-aspirancy. Which, in time, always leads to death. Rheactive went AFK and autopiloted his 53 billion isk ship into the Niarja system. Agents eviserater Adoudel, Globby Rackner, Charlotte Rackner, Olivia Rackner, Georgia Rackner, Ivy Rackner, Kimberly Rackner, Benji Rackner, hegils, Phoenix Rackner, Leena Mae, Adara Gaea, Vitreous Humor, Druklin Statille, Kaorixx Midumulf, Dandy Betelgeusian, Gun Shells, Pranav Singh, Razor Enaka, Yolandi Yvormes, ReactionSlave01, MrWreckHD, Smee1, Saber Amalthea, SpoopySpai, Mara Sov's Bathwater, Duff Azizora, Balrogh, Kayak Attack, Vetis Zeksh, Sauron Zanjoahir, Kira Talis, Mont Poljus, Gr1m310 Paz-Morales, Zi Aylet, AnimalMotha Muvila, bloi Lauu, and Kaguya Singh were waiting for him. They were at their keyboards.

Nuriya Mahirimah managed to squeeze 5.4 billion isk of bling into her Golem. Yet the decadent, bling-loving marauder pilot couldn't remain at her keyboard, either--not even to gaze admiringly upon her bling. No, Nuriya, too, fell victim to bot-aspirancy. So she autopiloted into the Uedama system, where another family of Agents was waiting to punish her: Agents Jason Kusion, Catalyst Whisperer, Joel Kusion, The Kitchen Samurai, Darth VaIdemar, Jackson Kusion, Jayden Kusion, Kullanmuru, Hot Salt, Skogstokig, Infinite Devotion, Jacob Kusion, Jake Kusion, Jeremy Kusion, Justin Kusion, Kapten Badkruka, Master Kock, Jeffery Kusion, Josh Kusion, Whale Harpoon, Joshua Kusion, Jayson Kusion, Jack Kusion, Duktig, Jonas Kusion, Jeremiah Kusion, Jessie Kusion, Johnathan Kusion, Raggarkuk, Hide Yo Freighters, Knuutti, Joseph Kusion, Jimmy Kusion, Josiah Kusion, and imnotgaypls.

Anti-Code carebears sometimes whine that gankers kill too many non-mining ships. If feeling especially brash, they may even dare our Agents to kill a miner. But the carebears always regret it later. Ashes Gray was mining in a 0.8 security system in the Verge Vendor region. He thought he would be safe there, so he blinged up his Mackinaw to 1.4 billion isk. But what's the rule? That's right: Every system in highsec belongs to the New Order, and they're all patrolled by our Agents. Ashes was reduced to ashes by Agents Never Gonna SeeGrandKids, Zopiclone, and Fate and Destiny. Nearly a billion isk of loot dropped.

Minerex 1, on the other hand, would never dream of losing a 1.4 billion isk Mackinaw. No, he'd much prefer to lose a 1.3 billion isk Skiff. Agents Jorgen Pedersen Gram, Augustus De Morgan, Niels Henrik Abel, Felix Hausdorff, Erhard Schmidt, Max August Zorn, Ernst Steinitz, and Huln Falnon easily tore through the miner's pretense of a tank.

Tired of seeing miners die yet, carebears? GrimsDeath DeathsGrim ensured that he'd lose a lot of isk while being a source of confusion to anyone who looked at his fit. It was bad enough that he lost 1.4 billion isk, but look at how he lost it. Or should I say to whom?

While in his precious mining ship, GrimsDeath made the puzzling decision to pick a fight with Agent Krig Povelli, who happened to be nearby. Agent Krig never backs down from a fight, so he happily participated in a 1v1 with the miner.

Despite being a highsec miner, ewkjeld Hansen wasn't foolish enough to mine in a blingy ship. Still, he was a decadent bot-aspirant. He hid his bling within his pod, thinking it would never be found. But the miner's secret treasure could not be concealed from Agent Ernst Steinitz forever.

Filthy miner.

Saturday, May 23, 2020

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #210

Looks like it's time for another edition of the Highsec Miner Grab Bag to ensue!

Too bad this miner wasted his 5 seconds by writing a tearmail instead of replacing his stuff.

I wonder what would happen if that screenshot ever did make its way to a GM. Actually, they probably wouldn't find fault with the miner's language. But that's why highsec needs Code enforcers to keep the miners in line.

Excuse me, but where does the Code say that its rules may be violated in the event of a lockdown? If anything, order and civilization become even more important during a crisis.

They may call our Agents "tororists", but they really mean rock stars. Ganking miners is a good way to become famous in EVE.

"You're so bad at EVE that you always defeat me easily."

Eisbearg R2D2, go attack AFK miners.

Another example of a "new returning player" who wasn't any better the second time around.

How did you miss this post when you've had nearly 6 years to read it?

A question for anyone who belongs to the "protect our precious newbros" crowd: At what point do you think an EVE player is ready to lose his first ship?

I don't know what PROJECT 32 is, but I have a feeling it already failed.

marvelgold Riraille shouldn't be so surprised. After all, our Agents do the impossible every day.

Seems like Grixer Noxtlus is doing just fine. But I'm not so sure about you, miner.

Friday, May 22, 2020

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... Agent Alt 00 brought healing to the Nakugard system, which was infested with bot-aspirants. But many of the miners did not wish to live in a happier, healthier system--and they hated Alt 00 for improving the place.

Our Agent was not discouraged by the presence of bot-aspirant miners; she saw each of them as an opportunity for another of her victories.

The miners continually failed to win the argument, but neither were they persuaded by Alt 00's good sense. When words did not move the miners, antimatter removed them.

Not even the most stubborn miner could deny that the mighty CODE. alliance was enforcing its rule upon the carebears. Yet some miners whined about irrelevant in-game sov mechanics.

Typical "I was going to buy a permit, but now I won't" miner. You can tell how close he was to obeying the Code!

Agent Alt 00 continued to score victory after victory in Nakugard. But as February came to a close, a sinister shadow fell upon the system:

Increasingly, miners like Randis Atruin began to make references to the coronavirus.

nex Darine was punished for laughing at the inappropriate remark.

Even still, nex refused to obey the Code. He chose to wallow in filth and lose more Orcas (if he had any).

Perhaps nex Darine was nudged toward the dark side by his fellow bot-aspirants...

After all, when a weak-willed miner keeps company with the likes of Randis Atruin, nothing good can come of it.

Our Agent was familiar with contagions and pestilence. She had successfully fought against these things many times before.

If there was a way to defeat the plagues of bot-aspirancy and the coronavirus at the same time, the Agents of the New Order would be the ones to do it.

To be continued...

Thursday, May 21, 2020

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 1

On March 25, 2020, the "Enhanced Bathroom Protocol" went into effect across highsec. But, of course, highsec miners are not known for obeying laws or washing their hands.

Unless a Code enforcer ensures that they do.

That's where brave men and women like Agent Alt 00 enter the picture.

Alt 00 was deeply moved by the humanitarian mission of the Code and its various supplementary protocols described in MinerBumping. She resolved to retreble her efforts to clean Nakugard, her favorite system.

Nakugard, with its close proximity to the Hek trade hub, tends to attract unruly miners.

...And unruly miners tend to be filthy, grubby little things.

Feldspadar Sinak was a typical bot-aspirant. He was precisely the kind of miner who yells at Code enforcers in local all day but claims that he's "never been ganked".

(Which means that he's been ganked and is still deeply bitter about it.)

Nakugard has been Alt 00's headquarters for several years now. The Anti-Code types know that they can always find Agents in the area, so they often travel to Nakugard to register their complaints.

Code Are Cowards dedicated one of her character slots to the sole purpose of protesting against the mighty CODE. alliance. Let me guess: She's "never been ganked"?

As expected, the daffy miner claimed that she had become an anti-Code protester because she'd heard about CODE. from someone else. I guess she didn't like what she heard.

What she probably heard was the sound of her Retriever exploding.

Two months before the Enhanced Bathroom Protocol went into effect, Alt 00 had the luxury of casually chatting with such Goofuses. 'Twas a carefree time.

But as the lack of hygiene in highsec became a more serious situation, Alt 00 would need to take more extreme measures. Luckily, the Code had prepared her.

To be continued...