Monday, September 16, 2019

EVE Will Disband Before We Do

The year was 2014.

William Galbraith had a problem. Multiple problems, actually--and they all stemmed from his refusal to obey the Code. As a direct consequence, he kept losing ships like this Caracal.

Time and time again, the mighty CODE. alliance brought William Galbraith to justice. But he refused to see reason.

Instead, he went to sleep. As the years passed by, he occasionally dipped his toes into EVE, but only for a moment. Then he would sleep again.

In 2019, the miner returned to EVE, where he indulged his nostalgia in a supremely fail-fit Retriever. Guess who was waiting for him? 'Twas CODE.

Agent Aiko Danuja learned of the destruction of William's Retriever when she and a few friends destroyed William's Retriever. She decided to investigate. As a witness, she was pretty sure what had happened, but she wanted to hear from the miner.

Agents Aiko and Alleil Pollard didn't know William's history. Nor did they care. What mattered was William's present--and the threat he posed to the integrity of highsec.

What was this miner's deal? So far, his motives were shrouded in mystery. But it was only a matter of time before he confessed.

...And there it was.

Like so many other miners before him, William had assumed that the Code was a passing fad, a mere blip on the radar. From the very beginning, plenty of CODE.'s enemies have shared in this delusion. But no matter how long they stay away from EVE--no many years they sit out, waiting for us to leave--they always return to a highsec ruled by the New Order.

Our Agents could've gloated; they'd certainly earned the right. Instead they chose to help the lost miner find his way. With their compassionate assistance, perhaps he could become a productive citizen in highsec and/or real life.

Alas, William wasn't interested. In fact, he was probably already plotting to quit for another five years and wait for CODE. to die.

Five years or five hundred, the Code never dies. It only grows stronger and more powerful. Always!

The same can't be said for cargo-expanded Retrievers, though.

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Kills of the Week

Of all of the unlawful emotions displayed by the carebears these days, one of the most outrageous is: surprise. When they get ganked for not obeying the Code, bot-aspirant carebears act surprised. As though we haven't been warning--and killing--them for years! As I said, outrageous. Here's a handful of Goofuses who were shocked to be killed during the week of September 8th @ 00:00 EVEtime through September 14th @ 23:59 EVEtime...

Adam Blackheart had an unlicensed jump freighter and 8 billion reasons to be careful with it. Yet Adam chose to autopilot the ship into the Uedama system. He should've known exactly who would be there to greet him: Agents Justin Kusion, Joel Kusion, Jake Kusion, Jason Kusion, Jeremiah Kusion, Joseph Kusion, Jackson Kusion, Jayden Kusion, vernx Ambraelle, Moric Riag, Johnathan Kusion, Joshua Kusion, Darvulia Tepes, Jacob Kusion, Josh Kusion, Jeffery Kusion, Jayson Kusion, Jimmy Kusion, Jeremy Kusion, Josiah Kusion, Jack Kusion, Maddie Mcbumplug, Jonas Kusion, Jessie Kusion, Nakti Vresha, Quark Valkyrie, and Caution AsianDrivers Ahead.

Late last week, Mad Mac19 got caught AFK'ing in a 10.2 billion isk freighter. Our Agents suspected that Mad Mac19 was hiding a secret. The only way to be sure was to gank Mad Mac19 and inspect his pod. So a gank armada was assembled: Agents Alleil Pollard, Karlaina, Ganky, Aiko Danuja, Ukit, AGBee 911, Siepy, Ritina, AGBee 227, AGBee 225, AGBee 001, Shouka, Momiroi, Geronimo Wilson, AGBee 229, AGBee 222, AGBee 230, AGBee 226, Chad Thundercaulk, AGBee 228, AGBee 400, Whadda Badasaz, Krossinaken, Kroppina, AGBee 224, Katrl, Neelee, AGBee 223, Kalypso Kerreria, Kronimal, Krenima, AGBee 221, Keraina Talie-Kuo, Kibbera, Krunallis, and Krominal. Sure enough, after ganking the freighter, they discovered that it concealed a 3 billion isk pod. Naturally, it, too, was AFK.

SIPHON ATLANTIS had a dark fantasy: He wanted to make blingy, fail-fit, capacitor-tanked Leshaks a thing. But Agents Ukira Kunero, Rante Charante, Ariku Orenuk, and Vlada Inkunen had a dream of their own, one of light instead of darkness: They wanted to make the Code even more of a thing than it already is. Highsec was blessed when their light overwhelmed SIPHON's darkness. Their dream was beautiful indeed.

You thought that Leshak was bad? Quasari Mio had something even worse. In addition to providing Agents Ariku Orenuk, Vlada Inkunen, Zhung Fei, Ukira Kunero, and Rante Charante with a 5.4 billion isk killmail, Quasari's Tempest was even more terrible than the Leshak because it was designed to serve as a hauler. Behold:

No doubt Quasari had sinister plans for the Dominix battleship hulls, too.

The drip-drip-drip of blingy Deep Space Transport kills continues unabated. Mascara Lipstick went AFK in her freighter substitute and lost 5.5 billion isk. Agents Ariku Orenuk, Zhung Fei, Ukira Kunero, Rante Charante, and Vlada Inkunen were there to pick up the pieces (after shattering the ship into pieces, of course).

Justice is alive and well in highsec.

Some people know what to do with a Talos, and some don't. Rathious Bendus was among those without a clue. After Agent Guybertini destroyed Rathious' 612 million isk Talos with an Attack Battlecruiser of his own, our Agent deftly popped the pod.

Now 3.3 billion isk worth of implants are in a better place. Oblivion is better than being stuck in a carebear's head, I'm sure.

Saturday, September 14, 2019

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #192

A guy sends his daughter to day care so he can spend all day mining in highsec? And this is the one time he went AFK without docking? Something about this story doesn't add up. But there's no more time to analyze this particular miner--we've got to get to the rest of this edition of the Highsec Miner Grab Bag!

The things miners confess to their gankers.

Agent Kaderu Narada was stunned to discover that highsec miners these days are openly engaged in account sharing...

Then again, maybe rules become more flexible as the number of active subscribers goes down?

The bad news: No one needs to buy kill rights on -10 security status gankers.
The good news: Anti-Code carebears may not know this, so they may buy them anyway.
The bad news: Anti-Code carebears are too lazy to fight back, so they won't buy them either way.

Tor Johnson Maulerant. Why does that name sound familiar?

...Oh yeah, he was one of the xxXSalvationXxx miners who got ganked. I guess he's still working on those "new tricks" of his.

Agent Lewak didn't want Kaspars Sentinels to hire CONCORD mercenaries, so he reached out to the miner...

Lewak felt that he'd done the miner a favor by encouraging him to seek a more rewarding career. Didn't Kaspars have any ambition?

Kaspars wanted to be a pilot; Lewak wanted him to be a pirate. Wait, wasn't this the plot of The Pirates of Penzance?

Yiad daldiy's first question: "How does this long tail rubber do not be beaten by NPC?" Agent Aaaarrgg answered it, only to be accused of running an "automatic script".

In fact, there's not a bot built that can do what we do. A shame the same can't be said for all you miners out there.

Friend, go your way--and obey the Code forevermore.

Friday, September 13, 2019

No Salvation, Part 4

Previously, on MinerBumping... Agent Ilonna Renou confirmed that xxXSalvationXxx corp was engaged in the mass-recruitment of newbies in order to exploit them and encourage bot-aspirancy. And the leader of this 450+ member corp was a foul-mouthed Goofus named RebelKiwi.

After RebelKiwi repeatedly sent her angry EVEmails, Agent Ilonna responded. Our Agent knew that invoking the Code might upset the carebear CEO, but she saw no alternative.

RebelKiwi recoiled, hissing at the very mention of the Code. What did she expect?

Negotiating with a Goofus can be difficult. Ilonna anticipated further resistance from RebelKiwi. However, our Agent wanted to give the miners every opportunity to do the right thing.

Agent Ilonna marveled at the fact that so many hundreds of highsec miners had chosen to follow someone like RebelKiwi. Meanwhile, the carebear CEO was working to encourage xxXSalvationXxx to resist the Code. Would it work?

Tor Johnson Maulerant was typical of the line members of xxXSalvationXxx. He was relatively new to EVE, and he spent all of his time AFK mining in highsec. Worse than that, if he remained in the corp, he would continue to devote his EVE career to AFK mining. Corps like xxXSalvationXxx do not train their members to grow; they keep them down.

In response to the presence of our Agents, Tor was eager to fight back. But he didn't know how. He requested training and assistance from his hundreds of corpmates. As is typical of corps like xxXSalvationXxx, they provided him with nothing. A few hours later, Tor grew bored, gave up, and went back to AFK mining.

...Whereupon he was ganked in his fail-fit Venture.

Another member of the corp tried to organize a resistance. His only idea was for the miners to group up--making it even easier for gankers to find targets.

Agent Ilonna went on to gank the miners at will...

On occasion, members of the mighty CODE. alliance did likewise.

RebelKiwi didn't know how to lead her legions of highsec miners. So she did the next best thing: She foamed at the mouth.

Unable to take the pressure of her grueling leadership responsibilities, RebelKiwi left xxXSalvationXxx in favor of another highsec carebear corp. And as for xxXSalvationXxx? It continues to engage in mass-recruitment in highsec. Our Agents are advised to consider their members unarmed and extremely bot-aspirant.

Thursday, September 12, 2019

No Salvation, Part 3

Previously, on MinerBumping... Highsec carebear corp xxXSalvationXxx came under investigation after it broadcast evidence of its bot-aspirant ambitions far and wide. Before long, Agent Koizumi Taira was on the case. Her bump patrol in the Esteban system confirmed that there were indeed AFK miners operating out of xxXSalvationXxx.

Agent Koizumi engaged some of the miners in conversation. Future space lawyer Kasakabe Anzomi tried to justify her illegitimate playstyle by unironically invoking the "if I mine minerals they're free" fallacy.

xxXSalvationXxx "recruitment officer" Red Cerex had promised to drive the Code out of Esteban. Thus far, he was only able to deploy F-bombs. They were ineffective.

Our Agent again reminded the miners that they were being exploited. Would they see reason this time?

The carebears dug in their heels, as carebears are wont to do. But if they wouldn't listen to Koizumi, perhaps they would heed the next Code enforcer who came their way?

Not long afterward, Agent Ilonna Renou found her way into the Esteban system and encountered the nest of xxXSalvationXxx carebears. Like her predecessors, she came to the conclusion that the corp was a scam. Since Ilonna cared about the fate of the newbros, she frankly informed everyone of her feelings.

This provoked a member of xxXSalvationXxx to send a corp-wide EVEmail.

The sender of the EVEmail was someone named RebelKiwi. Whoever she was, she didn't use paragraphs. Or sentences.

In fact, RebelKiwi was the CEO of the corporation, which by this point had grown to 483 members. One might look at RebelKiwi's messages and be surprised that so many people would follow her. But one should never underestimate how miserable things can get in a highsec "industrial" corp.

Printed below is the entire text of RebelKiwi's anti-Code morale message, which she sent to her hundreds of corp members. It is also a confession of her guilt:

RebelKiwi claimed that her corp was not a scam. She had no need of anyone else's money, as she made billions of isk per day. And while she pointed out that her terrible corp was exempt from the wardec system, she also encouraged her corp members to kill everyone in the mighty CODE. alliance.

In case you couldn't make it through her entire filthy wall of text, this is the explanation for how RebelKiwi makes "billions per day": An armada of alts, including 23 highly lucrative cloaky campers.

Agent Ilonna Renou responded to RebelKiwi's propaganda barrage by ganking an xxXSalvationXxx Venture. Maybe that would bring RebelKiwi to the bargaining table.

No one ever said diplomacy was easy.

To be continued...