Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Time the Mercenaries Were Real, Part 1

The New Order truly lives up to its name. It creates order, and it's completely new. Nothing like the New Order has ever been attempted in EVE. Skeptics say, "Nonsense. People have been ganking miners and charging them money for years." But the New Order isn't just about explosions and isk; it's about the Code. For this reason, EVE players have difficulty understanding us. They've never seen anything like it.

Agent Thirtyone Organism was on a routine patrol, flying a tech II fitted Catalyst. He came across a Capsule idling on a stargate in the Ichoriya system. Normally an Agent would only use the minimum equipment required to gank a pod. And certainly, all pre-Order gankers would only use a tech II fitted destroyer to gank a target capable of dropping loot. Thirtyone wasn't motivated by isk, but by the Code. He felt strongly that he should kill the pod right then and there.

The pod was empty. Again, however, Thirtyone wasn't out looking for bragging rights and a juicy killmail. He knew that he had done what was right in highsec. After podding the bot-aspirant named SOIH-257, he sent her an EVEmail explaining the Code and offering her a chance to recover her corpse.
From: SOIH-257
Sent: 2014.05.18 20:48
To: Thirtyone Organism,

Come outside and die faggot.
When SOIH-257 finally returned to her keyboard, she gathered a small group of friends and camped the undock of Agent Thirtyone's station. She demanded Thirtyone face her improvised execution squad. Thirtyone demurred.
From: SOIH-257
Sent: 2014.05.18 20:54
To: Thirtyone Organism,

You're gonna sit in there and hide from a merlin? come on bitch baby let me put it in you
When Thirtyone pointed out that his scout, Agent Thirtytwo Organism, was monitoring the camped undock, SOIH-257 became a bit frustrated. The level of discourse only sank deeper into the abyss.
From: SOIH-257
Sent: 2014.05.18 20:57
To: Thirtyone Organism,

I demand a blowjob bitch

From: SOIH-257
Sent: 2014.05.18 20:58
To: Thirtyone Organism,

Come outside and face me.

From: SOIH-257
Sent: 2014.05.18 21:02
To: Thirtyone Organism,

Come outside
A new Agent might have been surprised to see someone get so angry about losing an empty Capsule. Agent Thirtyone Organism was a veteran. He'd seen the way carebears reacted to even the slightest loss in highsec. Still, SOIH-257 was suffering from an unusually severe case of the condition colloquially known as "butthurt". Thirtyone decided to spend some time educating new players in local.
Dikar Levantin > what does it mean "alt"?
Thirtytwo Organism > alt is an alternate character
Thirtytwo Organism > your "main" is the main character you play, while you play your alts also, but they're more supporting characters for your main.
SOIH-257 > Stop talking whore
Thirtytwo Organism > wipe your foul mouth out. i expect an apology.
Dikar Levantin > I see, I thought that's what the keyboard ))
SOIH-257 > im gonna shit down your neck
The New Order loves to help new players, but the rebels have no regard for them at all. SOIH-257 demanded that our hero stop speaking in local.
Thirtytwo Organism > you're full of dried up cliches
SOIH-257 > if i wanted dried up cliches i'd grop eyour nuts
SOIH-257 > im white
SOIH-257 > i have a job
SOIH-257 > im going into the station now so i can get back to work
Without warning, SOIH-257 announced that as a Caucasian, she had important real-world responsibilities that required her to go AFK. She returned to the station. This was progress: Thirtyone had taught her the importance of docking up while AFK!
SOIH-257 > I'm watching you're bitch ass Organism
Thirtytwo Organism > oh no
SOIH-257 > Can't hide from the SWAH
Thirtytwo Organism > you're probably the least threatening person in this game. you talk big but you lack the capacity to back it up.
SOIH-257 > I don't lack capacity
SOIH-257 > I have endless funds and endless spacebros
SOIH-257 > I can do anything
SOIH-257 > I'll just buy 30 plexes sell them and pay the galaxy to fuck you for years
SOIH-257 > Think I give a shit?
SOIH-257 > I'l waste mad ISK just to ruin your experience
SOIH-257 > hows 1 plex per kill
SOIH-257 > just for you brah
The situation escalated. SOIH-257 was not content to camp a station undock. To avenge the loss of her empty Capsule, she would buy hundreds of dollars worth of PLEX and use them to hire an army of mercenaries!
SOIH-257 > 1 plex per kill
SOIH-257 > for 10 days
Thirtytwo Organism > you wouldnt do that
Thirtytwo Organism > you dont have that kind of money
SOIH-257 > i wouldnt?
Of course, veteran Agents like Thirtyone Organism have heard this kind of rant countless times before. He disregarded the threat. But just in case, Thirtyone sent her an EVEmail cautioning her against spending too much money on hired guns. You just can't trust mercs these days. Also, Thirtyone Organism was a ganker alt and was freely attackable anyway.
From: SOIH-257
Sent: 2014.05.18 22:01
To: Thirtyone Organism,

Oh its too late. I already mailed the job out to all of my mailing lists. You can apologize to me now, if you want. I'll accept your surrender for 150mil. Luckily I didn't get the plexes yet, but I'll definitely go through with my threat. I know a lot of HUNGRY bandit corps out there that will do ANYTHING for just ONE plex. You have six hours.

Below is a copy of my opportunity to the others.

"How many plexes would it take to get you mothatriggas to make one pilot's life a living hell? I need people to track this scoundral across the galaxy and just ERASE him every chance you get. I want him to sit in his station for a MONTH. I wanna be like Jabba the Hutt of eve and just have a bunch of bad ass hunters do all of my bidding. Send me a personal message if you're down to work for me, I'll put together the lot of you and cast you out to be my loyal murderers."
Things had gotten completely out of hand. Thirtyone cringed with embarrassment for SOIH-257 as he considered the possibility that she'd really sent people the "Jabba the Hutt" EVEmail.
Thirtyone Organism > You have no power. There is no PLEX behind your promises. By tomorrow your desire to do anything towards me will have fizzled out.
SOIH-257 > Im white
SOIH-257 > I work
SOIH-257 > I'll buy as much as I need
F This > what's this about plex?
Thirtyone Organism > Nothing. There is no PLEX. He's just all talk.
SOIH-257 > You got a couple more hours
Still, more likely than not, it was all just a huge bluff. SOIH-257 had to go to work, so she set a countdown timer for Thirtyone to apologize for the righteous gank of her empty pod. No deal. Thirtyone knew he'd done right by the Code, and besides, Agents of the New Order put little stock in countdown timers. Carebears never actually try to hire mercenaries.

...Or do they?

Next time: The most shocking MinerBumping episode yet!


  1. So why is ThirtyOne asking them to clean out their dirty mouth? They didn't say anything with their mouth. They typed it with their fingers. Their dirty, cheetos stained fingers.

  2. "I'm white" epic. Also worth a petition

    I have a feeling that I know how the story will continue: brave mercs from the CODE. come and kill his 10M Cata for a 800M PLEX. Probably multiple times.

    1. If that happens, I'll propably die from rofling to hard^^.

  3. That's a lot of butthurt for an empty pod...

  4. Most shocking episode up next? Oh dear lord, better charge up the defib, because last time he said that I nearly got a heart attack due to the shock...

    1. Only defib if a patient is in pulseless v-tach or v-fib.

      For a possible heart attack, you should have some aspirin, morphine, and nitroglycerin on hand, as well as access to an oxygen source. A little tPA never hurt either, provided you can get cath'd in time. :)


  5. real life death threats/insults/many tears from a video game. Sounds like your typical antiganker.

  6. She should spend that money on some ointment for her bottom.



  8. oh nah misa Thirty... ho ho ho

  9. "SOIH-257 was suffering from an unusually severe case of the condition colloquially known as "butthurt" " - I actually did a LOL. Outloud. At Work. people are watching. I'd best try and turn it into a cough. Oh Ghod. now i'm giggling.
    ~Pip Sampson

  10. "I wanna be like Jabba the Hutt" I lol' actually thats a lie...I'm still laughing.

  11. Violence in a MMORPG game called EvE Online erupts into real world violence as a member of the anti-ganking community shoots and kills the person behind the notorious player James 315. Story at 11.
    - Capt. Starfox

  12. Amen. Frak him and his dogwhistle Master Race poodoo. Doesn't the New Order frown on bigotry and intolerance?


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