Saturday, July 12, 2014

Essay Drops

The New Order's dramatic rise to power has been the big story in EVE this year. One of the side effects: Increased tear production. This is interesting, because you'd think there would be less complaining as more and more carebears come to grips with the new reality. This is temporary, I think. Once the carebears see how well the New Order governs highsec, we will win their hearts and minds, and the flow of tears will abate. On the other hand, perhaps the carebears will cry for a few more years.

Earlier this year, I remarked on the carebear essayists--miners whose tearmails go on for multiple paragraphs instead of the more succinct missives laden with four-letter words. Recently, toad trotter broke the record for the longest tearmail by writing a lengthy essay in response to losing her Hulk.

Since these kinds of essays are becoming more common, I thought it would be enlightening to share a few. Fetch your reading glasses.

Many carebears write to the Agent who ganked them, but Berlik 2 wrote to me directly. He has since biomassed himself, so I could not send a reply. Berlik wondered why I was "so aggressive". I'm aggressive?

Berlik was very concerned with the plight of "new" and "weak" players being made to quit the game. These kinds of complaints are exactly why more carebears need to read our Kills of the Week posts. Our Agents frequently slaughter blinged-out ships worth billions--hardly newbies. Our Agents also slaughter new players when appropriate. We don't discriminate. This makes us sociopaths?

Berlik concludes his essay with a wonderful example of the carebear paradox. Pay attention to the words he uses to describe our so-called victims: "idiots", "stupid", "lame". In order to minimize our victories, enemies of the New Order must trash our victims. Thus, they attack the very people for whom they claim to have sympathy. As I said, a paradox. If we're only attacking stupid, lame idiots, why is the carebear so upset?

In the first of two EVEmails, Sen Quick complained that one of our Agents told him to lay off the profanity. Sen Quick views this polite reminder as intolerable censorship.

Birds fly, moles burrow, and carebears lie. Always look to the carebear's actions, not his words. This one, like many, claims that he doesn't care about the New Order and that he's not upset.

The carebear paradox misfired on poor Sen Quick. He says the New Order can only "farm noobs". Apparently he was one of the noobs who got farmed. Always watch out for unintended consequences!

Arclite Vakarian calls us pirates because we don't work for the four major NPC empires. Neither do the miners, though. They're operating illegally no matter how you slice it.

Arclite word-bombed me with a big, fat paragraph. There are a lot of complaints in there. Fortunately, Arclite sent me my very own tl;dr EVEmail:

I'm still waiting for Arclite to send me an even shorter version, a summary of the summary. When it arrives, I will read it at my earliest convenience.

Jane Kestler has some ideas about why people become gankers. For some reason, none of the carebears' theories about gankers are flattering. They must be biased. I've always believed someone becomes a ganker because he was raised by a loving family in an engaging, intellectually-stimulating environment.

Jane and I agree on one thing: The importance of being human with a human. I'm all for humans and humanity. But if highsec is filled with bots and bot-aspirants, that doesn't leave much room for us humans, does it? Therefore the only humane option is to eradicate our enemies.


  1. "Always look to the carebear's actions, not his words."

    Vintage James 315 - and absolutely key to understanding the Carebear mentality (such as it is).

    End of.


    1. "Always look a the single minded Ganker/Code Monkey"

      Their clueless actions speak for themselves They cannot think they have been brainwashed into bot doing 1 man bidding.

      Sasha You take way to much of the retart cake please leave some for the other gankers

  2. Pretty simple. If you are afraid of losing your ship, stay docked in station. If you choose to undock, then you have entered the sandbox where the EULA does not guarantee your safety. The game mechanics has consequences for certain actions. But your former ship is still just a million pixels scattered across the solar system. So any amount of whining, complaining, filing petitions will not change the fact that you chose to undock. I mean did someone put a gun to your head and make you download and play EVE?
    You should be grateful that there is a game that actually has consequences remaining in it. You should be grateful that James 315 saw all the flaws in high sec and had such a great vision. And yes, you should be grateful that some CODE Agent saw fit to put you out of your temporary miserable existence. Get a permit, tank your ship, don’t go afk or AP to your next destination. And THAT is no guarantee that some player not affiliated with CODE won’t decide it is time to send you on the POD express elevator straight to hell. Welcome to EVE Online.

  3. The gankers paradox:
    "highsec is filled with bots and bot-aspirants"
    "the only humane option is to eradicate our enemies"
    If you only kill bots and bot-aspirants, not real humans, then you are no better than a pve incursion bear, thus the New Order itself must be eradicated as bot-aspirants.

    1. Tear ConnoisseurJuly 13, 2014 at 7:53 PM

      Alana, this really made me laugh out loud. Brilliant response. :)

  4. Semi-unrelated comment. Wanted to make it a few days back but could not post properly from work.

    James, you know very little about ship fitting. You keep making a fool of yourself trying to evaluate fits, no offense brother. I would suggest actually playing the game again - even once - just to update your knowledge.

    1. Hi Anyonymous 3:26 AM,

      What? You waited *days* to make a 3-line comment about fitting and, lacking anywhere else to stick it, decided to append it to a blog about Carebear tears?

      It isn't 'semi-unrelated', it's totally unrelated to the content posted, above.

      The Forum is the place for your comments; just start a thread there.

      Don't forget to include example fittings, with your own suggestions for improvement.

      James 315 and his alt Currin Trading are active members of the Eve Community, in and out of game.


    2. Hey Sasha,

      Go easy on him ;p.

      James made fun of one of his shit-fits, hurt his special feelings, and it took him a few days to work up the courage to try to hit back.

      Not everyone has nerves of steel like the average New Order agent.

    3. "Not everyone has nerves of steel like the average New Order agent."

      wait wut??? lets never ever say that again in nearly died of laughter thats just hillarious

    4. Gee Zazz, guess you're right n all :(

      Hey! Anon 3:26 AM! Can you hear me up there?! Come to Villore; we can make up and stuff.

      How will I know you?


  5. Hey everyone, I saw our friend and so called "savior of highsec," James 315, in a diner this morning. He sits down in a booth next to me. Now I'm enjoying my coffee and a toasted bagel with cream cheese when I overhear his order. It went like this:

    Waiter. I would like some eggs. Not too hard, not too soft, but in the groove.
    I also would like some bacon. Not too chewy, not too crisp, but in the groove.
    I would also like to order some toast. Not too light, not too brown, but in the groove.
    Could you also add orange juice to my order as well? Not too sweet, not to sour, but in the groove.
    The waiter asks him if his order is complete.
    James 315 thinks for a moment and tell the waiter no.
    I would like some coffee too. Not too strong, not too weak, but in the groove. That's my order.
    The waiter jots all of this down and heads to the grill. The waiter tells the chef what James 315 ordered, and how he ordered it. The chef tells the waiter "Give me that" and takes the order from him. The Chef walks out to James 315, slams the order down on the table in front of him, and tells him "Kiss my ass. Kiss my hairy white ass. Not on the left cheek, not on the right cheek, but in the groove."

    And now folks, we have proof that James 315 is as much of a douchebag in real life as he is in game.

    This is another quality trollific post from your friends at Carebears United.

    We are many. We are strong. The code will fail. The code will fall. A free highsec is worth fighting for. Saving highsec from the savior of highsec, one carebear at a time.

    1. Hey idiot, we know it's a troll. Shut up already.

    2. Where does he live?

    3. we all know that hard working people agree with James and show him respect whenever he enters their establishments.
      the cook does not get to go afk (away from kitchen), he stays at his grill, honorably, and he cooks the food as the James desires it. because his life is one of service to James.
      and what was the price for the eggs, bacon, toast, and orange juice??

      $3.15 of course!

  6. Code sucks my cock every day. Do you know why? It's simple.

    I mine in a hulk.
    I fit anti-tank, pro-yield.
    I offload to an Orca.

    With a hulk, I cannot mine AFK so mining get really boring really fast. So what do I do while the strip miners are cycling?

    I move ore.
    I perform insane calculations on game mechanics.
    I chat with people in my corp, alliance, and in local. TS3 and Vent helps.
    I keep tabs on people who enter and leave the system.
    I keep an eye on dscan.
    I work on planetary interaction.
    I see a hostile come in system, I immediatly dock up. To your disdain, you cannot gank someone while they are in station.

    With this, I haven't been ganked by griefers, gankers, or CODE, EVER.

    I will not buy a mining permit either. Why should I PAY someone to gank me?

    1. Must be fun for you

    2. "AnonymousJuly 13, 2014 at 6:09 AM
      Must be fun for you"

      Id be laughing my ass off this how i play too,
      Its the way Eve is meant to be played preferably in a bigger fleet too.
      Big corperation doing BIG thing bieng bullied by Small Pirates.

      It must suck so hard that you can't be productive and your force to be destructive.

    3. If your corporation and alliance are using two different comm systems, I'd put it to you that you're hardly integrated with each other.

      How often do you fly and work together with alliance members?

      You may be more spatially aware than most, but if you're docked up in a station when their are hostile' around you're not actually playing Eve, your curled up in a corner waiting for the bad men to leave - instead of undocking in a pvp ship with your fleeted up corp and alliance members and taking it to these -5+ pilots.

      But perhaps that would be too much for you to organise and require Effort on your part.

      What calculations are insane in the game mechanics of Eve?

    4. great job admitting your 100% code-compliance here in a public place anon.
      i know its hard to use your in-game name, and risk the other "anti-gankers" unwanted attention for following The Code so wholeheartedly.
      im very proud of you. and im sure James is as well!

  7. Congrats ur at least playing the game in an non-bot-aspirant method. Buy a permit, let the light of James 315 into your heart, then with a glad heart and a joyful smile welcome Agents and Knights as u go about your business.

    1. Never will that evil join my heart.

      Are you fucking retarted?

    2. If you're mining while your competition is being blown up - wouldn't one mining ship belonging to a competitors corporation be more than paid for with a one off annual payment of 10M isk?

      You call yourself a miner, but you lack something that blocks your ability to make intelligent business decisions.

      Are you the type of player who declares the sale price on what you've manufactured as profit? Because it doesn't work like that. You have to acknowledge the value of the minerals first and make a comparison.

      Now do the same with a 10M isk permit and how many mining hours you've lost by being docked in the station. I have no idea on what the mining isk/hour is these days, and of course it will depend on your skills and ship type etc. So please do your maths and make a sensible decision to support fellow active and sensible gamers in this shared sandbox.

    3. Submitting to a criminal enterprise that is claiming the authority to tell you how to play the game is not an intelligent business decision, it is slavery....

    4. and torture, don't forget torture! Can't forget torture when you're pulling out totally inappropriate words to describe a video game.

    5. What words in my comment were totally inappropriate? code is a criminal organization, if it weren't your pilots could enforce your fallacy without being Concorded...

    6. However, CODE is evil. They only way that they will get 10 million from me is if I contribute it to their bounty pool. Besides, it's very rare that we even see a hostile in system, let alone a known ganker, and this is highsec.

    7. Oh, and don't forget....

      Ganking is bullying.

      You can goto jail for it.

  8. Man seems like carebears are getting even angrier, how funny :)

    1. Lol anonymous words will never stand on its own. Faggot kill yourself.

  9. @Daniel SidratJuly 13, 2014 at 11:44 AM

    a permit that allows me to play the game how its supposed to be played... and oohw wait when you play the game by shooting the "ganker" then your not following the rules?


    1. anon: what did you just say?
      did you bump your head on a rock floating in space or something?
      a permit allows you to mine in a compliant manner.
      furthermore, there are no rules that prohibit "shooting the ganker"
      its just impossible for someone who is afk to shoot back, is all.

    2. It states that if you do not have a permit even though you are not afk they will will still gank you.

      If you would for anyreason defend your self you will get ont he red pen list wich is utter bull shit.

      Appareantly you got brainwashed a little too, have some retart cake

  10. Where does James 315 live and what diner? I want to shake his hand...

  11. Everyone download HOIC and ddos this site. I've got 16 people with me about to do it!!

    1. Oh yeah, sure... 16 idiots are going to DDOS the massive Google data centers that are hosting Blogspot. :)

      Oh dear God this is brilliant, I can't stop laughing over here. :)

      The sheer amount of carebear ignorance and stupidity on display here is breathtaking. Literally! I can't catch my breath from laughter. :)

  12. Tear ConnoisseurJuly 13, 2014 at 8:11 PM

    Wow, James and the New Order must be doing something right to get these idiots in the comments so riled up like this, both on this post and the StarCraft one the other day. :)

    It's even funnier when you realize that a sizable chunk of these latest comments are coming from one single carebear with an acute case of butthurt (hint: the "retart" misspelling in several of his comments betrays him).

    1. >It's even funnier when you realize that a sizable chunk of these latest comments are coming from one single carebear with an acute case of butthurt (hint: the "retart" misspelling in several of his comments betrays him).

      TOP LEL.

    2. I don't get is it a tart or is it a cake? and is it made of retards? dammit i need answers

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