The Time the Mercenaries Were Real, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... Agent Thirtyone Organism popped a Capsule that was sitting AFK on a stargate. The pod was empty--not a single implant--but that didn't stop the owner, SOIH-257, from having a meltdown and vowing to hire mercenaries.

SOIH-257 was particularly annoyed when Thirtyone offered to return the corpse. In the land of the carebear, no good deed goes unpunished. But would SOIH-257 really make good on her threat to hire mercs and exact revenge?

Incredibly, SOIH-257 was serious about the merc thing. She went to r/EVE on Reddit.com and posted her offer publicly. She identified the target by attaching the image of Thirtyone's friendly corpse contract. SOIH-257 offered 50 million isk for anyone who could grab Thirtyone Organism's corpse. On the surface, Reddit is a nest of highsec carebears; a "downvote brigade" attempts to bury every post related to the New Order. Despite this, r/EVE is a diverse community. They quickly realized SOIH-257 was mad.

SOIH-257 > What's good my trigga
NECROMANCER > word on the street is
NECROMANCER > you need merc assist
SOIH-257 > you down?
SOIH-257 > 50 mil a corpse
NECROMANCER > 1. target
NECROMANCER > 2. ships flown
NECROMANCER > 3. lol @ 50 mil

Among the Redditors who saw SOIH-257's appeal: A pirate referred to here as NECROMANCER. (The chat logs were apparently edited to conceal NECROMANCER's identity.)

SOIH-257 > Look man I got a lot of people working this job
NECROMANCER > lol
NECROMANCER > I know them all
NECROMANCER > how do you think I contacted you
SOIH-257 > And which sleazy space scum grape vine did you slide down from?
NECROMANCER > Now, talk target.
SOIH-257 > Some shitbird pilot who fucked with the wrong cranky rich cunt

The carebear and the pirate spoke brusquely to one another. SOIH-257's fantasies about "being Jabba the Hutt" were coming true.

NECROMANCER > rich?
SOIH-257 > paying a few corps 1 plex a week for starters
NECROMANCER > you had my attention
NECROMANCER > but now you have my interest
SOIH-257 > Thirtyone Organism
SOIH-257 > target
NECROMANCER > multiboxer
SOIH-257 > yeah i know
SOIH-257 > i met his alts
SOIH-257 > or at least one of them
SOIH-257 > lets see how well he can multibox against 40+ pilots with fat wallets

NECROMANCER seemed to be familiar with the New Order Agent already. SOIH-257 giggled with delight. Then NECROMANCER asked SOIH-257 about the circumstances of the pod gank that had led to her vendetta.

SOIH-257 > I didn't do a lot of research on what hes flying im leaving that to my ruffians
NECROMANCER > what the hell were you doing lol
SOIH-257 > AFK at work for 13 minutes
SOIH-257 > had to help a disabled kid pick a video game to play
SOIH-257 > regardless of the point
SOIH-257 > was in high sec chillin in my pod because i thought SHIT THIS WILL TAKE 15 seconds

As usual, the Code violator had an excuse for being AFK: She needed to help a child. Not just any child, but a disabled child. Isn't it interesting how--according to the carebears, at least--no one ever goes AFK for selfish reasons? It's always helping disabled children, or repairing the neighbor's plumbing, or feeding an infant, or something along those lines. Highsec carebears are the nicest, most generous people in the world, but only when they're AFK.

SOIH-257 > im gonna contract him as many corpses as my scoundrals can round up
SOIH-257 > and also ruin his month
NECROMANCER > okay
NECROMANCER > so I'm going to step back a second here
NECROMANCER > you went afk in a pod
NECROMANCER > then taunted with a contract for corpse
SOIH-257 > and im cranky about it
SOIH-257 > whats it fucking matter to you? I'm the one signing the interstellar checks
NECROMANCER > do you not have alts that could kill him?
SOIH-257 > i could kill him myself but hes terrified of me

The mercenary gave SOIH-257 some guff about the situation, but they quickly returned to talking terms.

NECROMANCER > so
NECROMANCER > you've contracted what
NECROMANCER > close to 15, 20 people over this?
SOIH-257 > 31
SOIH-257 > so far
NECROMANCER > most of whom have already given the other guy info on it
NECROMANCER > he's prepped fresh clones
NECROMANCER > just to collect free cash from these people through you
NECROMANCER > I heard about it because of people laughing about it in pirate channels
SOIH-257 > I'm definitely making a giant scene on reddit too
NECROMANCER > for future reference, you kill a target with a few well-trained people
NECROMANCER > not a mob of idiots and spies
NECROMANCER > most of us would rather fight each other for free than go after him, or just scam you
NECROMANCER > you aren't raising an army, you're being leeched by a swamp
SOIH-257 > so you in or not

Coincidentally, SOIH-257 claimed to have hired thirty-one pilots to hunt Thirtyone Organism. "So far." NECROMANCER gave her some much-needed advice.

NECROMANCER > For a PLEX, I'd happily dec Bongwater on the spot.
SOIH-257 > Did you see
SOIH-257 > Kick-Ass
NECROMANCER > 1 and 2.
SOIH-257 > I'm Red Mist and my daddy just got blown up by a bazooka
SOIH-257 > I got ass tons of cash and IDK what to do with it
NECROMANCER > great.
SOIH-257 > other than throw it at pirates and mercs
NECROMANCER > don't hire an army of idiots.
SOIH-257 > but thats what red mist does
NECROMANCER > Like that Russian chick
SOIH-257 > THATS WHAT IM DOING
NECROMANCER > and he dies like a bitch.

Spoiler alert. SOIH-257 downgraded herself from Jabba the Hutt to "Red Mist".

SOIH-257 > so you're gonna walk the fuck out of here with my plex
SOIH-257 > and bring me kick-ass's corpses
SOIH-257 > I WANT HIS FUCKING CORPSES AND KILL MAILS
NECROMANCER > More than that.
NECROMANCER > I will bring you corpses.
NECROMANCER > Days of him not logging in.Stretching to weeks.
NECROMANCER > Then when he finally undocks
NECROMANCER > Corpse
NECROMANCER > Corpse
NECROMANCER > Corpse
NECROMANCER > Corpse

Finally, NECROMANCER started speaking SOIH-257's language. He promised endless punishment to be inflicted against the New Order Agent as soon as he received payment.

NECROMANCER > please take a look at our killboard.
NECROMANCER > see how deadly serious I am that we can hellcamp this fuckwit.
NECROMANCER > 28 days is 4 weeks of decs.
SOIH-257 > aye
NECROMANCER > thankfully, the bills can be paid upfront.
SOIH-257 > i got 4 plexes with your ugly tattoos all over them
NECROMANCER > good. Contract to corp, not to me.

The price: Four PLEXes. It was steep, but SOIH-257 was still upset about losing the empty pod.

NECROMANCER > thank you, received.
SOIH-257 > when does the dec start?
NECROMANCER > declared now, notifications out, 24 hours until fighting begins
SOIH-257 > can i see the notify
NECROMANCER > I'll ask the CEO
NECROMANCER > weird. all he said was 'Nonnak sends his regards'. Any idea what that means?

After the payment was sent, NECROMANCER name-dropped Nonnak Severin. This was probably not a good sign.

Nonnak reported to Reddit and revealed what anyone might have guessed: The mercenary had no intention of attacking the New Order. It was a scam. Nonnak posted the full log of his convo with SOIH-257 for Reddit's enjoyment. Agent Thirtyone Organism was informed of this, so he sent a polite EVEmail to SOIH-257 requesting an update on her promised revenge. SOIH-257 replied as follows:

From: SOIH-257
Sent: 2014.05.19 05:04
To: Thirtyone Organism,

Paid a few corps, got scammed up.

Paid several solo pilots.

I only went to the public for this, so far, and nobody is going to come back with results, so you'll be fine for now. On the other hand, I still have several private militas ready to what I want.

So far just about everyone that I paid publically is going to run with the plexes and I quite frankly don't give a shit. In fact, they might pay you because I made them laugh. I even paid an easily spottable scammer's corp 4 plex for 4 weeks of wardec on you to see if you shit yourself, they ran with it to my knowledge, but still. I said I'd pay the plex and I have been since you logged out.

Tomorrow, if nobody has results, I'm going to turn to my actual friends and allies and they'll be doing the work nonprofit.

SOIH-257 freely admitted that every single corp and individual she hired had scammed her. Some of them were actually mercenaries, but none had the slightest interest in trying to hunt down a New Order ganker alt. They were only interested in her money, which they got. SOIH-257 concluded with a promise to hire her "actual friends and allies" next. I'm not sure why SOIH-257 didn't contact her friends to begin with, rather than a bunch of mercs she didn't know, but I guess that's not what Red Mist would've done. In the months that followed, nothing happened. SOIH-257's friends and allies, if she had any, failed to appear.

It's a hard lesson for some Code-violators to learn. There are no mercenaries or pirates coming to save you. No one is coming from nullsec to stop the New Order. There won't be any carebear uprising against us. Your "actual friends and allies" are not going to show up. There is only one thing you can count on in highsec: The Code always wins. It's time for the rebels out there to learn how to live with it.