Friday, December 14, 2018

No One Treats the Newbies Better

"Don't you dare gank any newbies," warns the pro-theme park carebear. "Don't you dare chase them away from the game. Not now, when EVE so desperately needs their subscriptions to be renewed."

Let us set aside the facts: People who pilot blingy freighters--or, to be more accurate, autopilot them--are not newbies. Nor is there any evidence that ganking a new player makes him less likely to renew his subscription. Let's take the theme parkers at their word. Don't shoot newbros?

What happens when an innocent, doe-eyed newbie takes his first jump through a lowsec gate? What does the pro-newbie crowd do to him? Why, they shoot him without a second thought. And pod him, if they can. I suppose no one who lives in lowsec cares about CCP's subscription revenues.

Or suppose our skittish newbro somehow manages to find his way into a wormhole. Is he welcomed with open arms? No, he is not. He is immediately fired upon as soon as he is discovered. So protecting the newbies is not a luxury that can be afforded in J-space.

Surely nullsec, with all of its structure and its layers of bureaucracy, is more civilized. Many of the most strident advocates for newbie protection live out there in nullsec. If a brand-new player enters their territory, do they hold their fire? Alas, the newbie isn't blue, so they shoot him. And they do it as quickly as possible, to ensure they get on the killmail before the hundred other pilots in their blob can kill him.

So many people advocating for newbie rights--so many people so concerned for CCP's bottom line--and they all gank newbies. Interesting.

"But James 315," you say. "They have no choice but to shoot anyone who isn't blue. They don't have time to see if it's a newbie or not. They must defend their territory."

The Imperium currently has some 50,000 pilots under its command. They're really threatened by some newbie dipping his toes into their space?

Of course not. But all of these theme parkers--all of these walking examples of Malcanis' Law--shoot the newbie anyway. In lowsec, nullsec, or wormhole space, they can't gank him fast enough. Yet they have the gall to lecture the mighty CODE. alliance about sparing the newbies.

"But James 315," you say. "Highsec is different than the rest of the game. There is a completely different set of rules."

Finally, something upon which we agree! Highsec is different, and it does have its own set of rules.

It's called the Code.

The New Order is remarkably generous with its space. Despite all of the anti-Code propagandists' vilification of our brave Agents, you'll never meet a warmer, friendlier bunch of people. They've made highsec hospitable for newbies--and players of all other ages and experience levels. All we ask is that they follow the rules.

Everyone in EVE is free to visit highsec. We know from CCP's own statistics that highsec is by far the most populated area of the galaxy in both raw numbers and population density. We welcome people in; it's low/null/WH who keep them out. Only when an EVE player violates the Code do we kill him. Even then, we're merely treating the EVE player the same way anyone in low/null/WH does the very second they see him.

"But James 315," you say. "Newbies spawn in for the first time in highsec systems. You have a special responsibility." This is a silly argument. A new player begins life in a starter system, but he can be at the gates of lowsec within minutes. Regardless, CCP has implemented a detailed set of rules for starter systems and rookie missions to protect those with brand-new accounts. All of our Agents are in total compliance with these regulations and protocols. Our hands are clean, sparklingly so.

And what about everyone else--all the EVE players who didn't join the game two hours ago? Our friends in lowsec, nullsec, and wormhole space don't want to talk about them. The theme parkers, when they're at their keyboards and in their blobs, are surprisingly trigger-happy when it comes to the new players. Think of all those lost subscriptions. Tsk.

The truth is, the safest place for a new player to be is in the crosshairs of a disciplined, well-trained Agent of the New Order. Our people ensure that the good, Code-compliant players get their due. They also ensure that the guilty perish, which frees up space for everyone else.

We should all take a moment to appreciate and show gratitude to CODE. and the rest of the Agents of the New Order. And we should soberly reflect upon the hypocrisy of our critics.


  1. Jamey must be feeling pressure from his CHODE. slaves. They may be getting ready to revolt.

    1. What?!? That doesn't even make sense!

      Miners you've been staring at rocks way way way too long.

      This is why we have the Code. To help bring balance and sanity back into your life.

    2. Hahahahaha the conspiracies are real

  2. Spare the gank, spoil the miner.

  3. Propaganda is Jamey's specialty.

  4. Dont forget without the Code that Thomas wouldnt be able to embezzle that 300bil from AG donations. Has he even answered what hes done with that isk?

    1. He's holding on to it. For the future. Maybe for when ag gets around to feeling motivated and not afk...

      Meh maybe not.

  5. This is a lesson to all those hypocrites who seek to vilify us.

  6. Sometimes, I suspect the low sec barbarians use alts, to afk mine in high-sec. If this is true, it would be an absolute scandal.

    1. Oh no! They may have powerful lowsec alts! The End is Nigh!

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