Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The True Blue Noob

It was a day like any other. A New Order Agent, Rectum Remover, had just podded a bot-aspirant, Zeelt Nystasu. Everything was in its right place. Until...

Zeelt claimed to be a day-old noob. Now, we've dealt with a lot of people claiming to be noobs. Critics of the New Order often accuse us of doing nothing but picking on noobs. Yet, so far, nearly every "noob" has turned out to be a three year-old character, or a "new player" who joined in the game in 2007, or some other sketchy nonsense.

Shockingly, at the time these events took place, Zeelt really was a one day-old character! (Actually a two day-old character, but who's counting?) Could it be? An actual noob ganked by the New Order? Without any of that noob-but-not-really stuff? An honest-to-goodness, true blue noob?

Rectum was willing to have an open mind about the whole thing, but he presented his case: The noob was clearly AFK autopiloting; his pod was slowboating to the gate. He even admitted to autopiloting.

Zeelt insisted that he was at his keyboard. He said he was autopiloting only because he was 11 jumps away from his destination. This made Rectum very suspicious. Autopiloting in a pod makes the journey take much, much longer. If you're at your keyboard, why would you do that?

Rectum made no bones about it: His job was to uphold the Code. There is nothing in the Code that does not apply to noobs. When you sign up for a trial account, you get two weeks of EVE free. You don't get two weeks of Code violations for free. Bot-aspirancy is not part of the deal.

Out of nowhere, the other shoe dropped. Zeelt put a 50 million isk bounty on Rectum and called him a "noob". Until now, it looked like we might have had a genuine noob on our hands. But then came precisely the kind of sketchy nonsense I was talking about before.

A day-old noob who has 50 million to blow on a pointless bounty? A brand-new player who repeatedly calls other players "noob"? Carebear apologists, you'd better cancel that photo shoot--I think there's something wrong with your new poster child.

Zeelt claimed that his "friend" gave him 50 million isk to put a bounty on someone. Where did this "friend" come from, and why didn't the "friend" put the bounty on Rectum himself? Then came another plot twist:

Agent Rectum Remover was actually the alt of Agent Tubrug1, one of the first Agents of the New Order and a man of impeccable character. By playing on a four day-old ganker alt, he'd lured Zeelt into calling him a noob. Another victory for the New Order!

For a day-old noob, Zeelt sure learned how to work the petition system in a hurry. He reported Rectum as an "ISK scammer". Zeelt was so precocious! Usually carebears spend at least a few months in the game before they start training up their Space Lawyer skills.

Interestingly, Zeelt was also advised by his "friend" that mining permits didn't exist. Seriously, can we talk to this friend? What's next, Zeelt saying, "Hello! This is Zeelt Nystasu's father talking. Forgive him for behaving so foolishly"?

The conversation broke down as Rectum's aggression period expired and he had to turn his attention toward ganking another Code-violator. Perhaps one day he will gank a true noob. Until then, it will be three year-old "new players" and day-old "noobs" with mysterious friends and money to burn on bounties.


  1. Today lesson two:

    How to find a special Agent (profi):

    Yesterday i got many ingame mails concerning EVE is to big to search and fly wasting time to systems until you find one.


    As first i mus say : BIG BIG THANKS to Marmites
    (theyre mercenaries and work for money, of course it had a price)

    1. You can always ask Marmites members for help iam sure they will help you to find your target: New Order Agent (but it cost something)

    2. If you have a standing bigger 5 to some NPC corp it will cost you just 250k to find anyone EVE wide. You may use locator Agents. Click Agent finder activate locator agent and activate show only avaiable. Only lvl 4 agents will give you EVE wide answer. If you doesnt have the neccessary standing youve done something wrong in your eve carrer , do some more missions to raise yor standing first.

    Here are 3 Examples:


    Roushzar X Moon 4 Imperial Shipment Storage

    Currin Trading

    Hek VIII Moon 12 Boundless Creation Factory

    Ario Drunhall
    (still in Uedema)

    Dont forget find out the time zone when this Agents will be online or you waste your time
    (go to killboard and check the eve times of their kills)

    For Station Camping you will have a 50% success rate if you the following advises

    Station Undock

    Stations come in various sizes and types. For every station there is a different undock location where all ships undock at the same point. This is a constant location where all ships enter space. If you bookmark your location at the very moment you undock you will end up with an undock location bookmark for that station. This bookmark is used to camp people undocking from that station. If you want to engage or catch some one undocking from a station you camp this bookmark to catch that target in optimal range. Also this is an offensive bookmark; it is strongly advised to be collected for every capsuleer.

    1. any killmail & everyone would know wich is my name; this is not my intention

      also read : Nr. 1

      BE QUIET

    2. Oh look. It's high-sec Braveheart. Good luck with herding your cats. I think you will find that the New Orders cats are far more obedient and deadly.

    3. I'm sure you're the same person in the other post I commented on the other day. This is what you need to do. Stop talking about what you're going to do and actually do it. And don't come back to me and say, "but, but I ran locator agents.." that takes all of about 4 seconds to accomplish and it’s nothing new. Or, "but I totally killed them with Concord." As that doesn't count.. something about suicide gank ships already dying.

      You clearly want to be the thorn in the New Order's side, so do it. Throw yourself into the other paths this game has to offer and become the resistance, or form it, or lead it, or take it over, or whatever. Coming here and posting fail intel is only making you carebears look worse, ie: You want to kill gankers with station games? Have fun with that, that totally works every time, no lie.

      Or, keep coming back and continue to talk about ‘doing stuff later’™. And we’ll continue to point and laugh and be reassured that you guys really have no idea wtf is going on.

      To offense intended, I actually what you to lead some sort of resistance movement. Brings more fun and content to the game. Makes the New Order the victor as you learned something about Eve, you try something other than mining and mission running and you actively put yourself toward the direction of blasterfire; all the while you’re doing something to fight back, win/win.

    4. Mr Anon - your posts have been quite reasonable with mostly valid instructions, sadly you're preaching to the convertible at best.

      If your intent is to rally the AFK miners you're on the loosing side as they rarely read forums, or even interact with the many friendly people that play Eve.

      I have two suggestions:

      Take Capt Starfox's advice and or recruit new players to fight against or even with the New Order.

      It's a lot easier to engage an enemy in interesting fights when they chose to be at the keyboard when being undocked.

      Good luck.

  2. If youre one of these people who want to establish resistance you first need to know whom belongs to the NEW ORDER

    Check it here:


    (dont forget theyve an alliance thats just one of their Corps for example; lot of their members especially alt and /or scouts as well as bumbers you wont find in this list, theyre in npc beginner corps mostly)

  3. Saw the name Rectum Remover and laughed at the thought of that going on the stupid EvE statue in Iceland. Hilarious.

  4. Hey Not to make you look dumb or feel stupid.
    But when you throw out names of alliances that might
    help you in your fight against us. You might not want
    to give the name of our very first Allie. Marmites are not only our
    allies they are permit holders/share holders and supporters of use since
    day one. The level of intelligence displayed by our so called resistance leads
    me to think they have never even logged into EVE Online. In case there is some legitimate
    pilot out there that are just as serious to resist us ( More than just talking mad shit to us)
    I would be more than willing to help you get started. I am not being cocky nor arrogant. We have a lot of fun doing what we do. I also think that it would be even more fun for us and you crazy rebels if there was a legit resistance. That means more than just calling us names and whining to CCP. Think about it for a moment. I long drawn out war over highsec. Seriously I honest to god think it would be epic. I thought I might just share some honest thoughts while you guys are name call and posting our allies telling the rebals to contact them to get help against us.

    Go back being AFK and wishing somebody else would stop us.
    Cause you guys cann't be bothered to fight for what you say you believe in.


  5. Rectum Remover claimed to be Tubrug1's alt. Isn't this against the EULA?

    1. According to CCP, yes, because it creates the concept of "impersonating himself" which is in and of itself a paradox.

      If I am to be brutally honest, who in the player base is going to care enough to report people for this kind of thing? I certainly wouldn't, since knowing who is who's alt is valuable information.

      ---Friendly Neighborhood Scoundrel

    2. Although the initial GM statements on the subject were poorly though out, expressed, and resembled those of an idiot, they have since clarified that it is not against the EULA to impersonate yourself. The rest of the EULA/ToS debacle from this summer remains shrouded in idiocy.

    3. Yes, it is all idiocy Malcolm. I didn't know they clarified that part though, I still don't know all the ins and outs since I haven't been back in EVE for a long time.


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