Saturday, April 12, 2014

The Awoxer Hat-Trick

The New Order is highsec's sole superpower. Other entities may be powers, of course, if they're capable of fielding fleets of combat ships. What puts the New Order on a higher level is that it possesses the Code--the EVE equivalent of a nuclear arsenal.


Agent sniperDK realized that to achieve his goal of superior Code-compliance in highsec, he would need more training. I was very impressed by his decision to focus on the Code. After meditating on the Code for several months, he returned to EVE with even more power.


Utilizing the insights he'd gained from the Code, sniperDK found his way into the Sphere's of Eden corporation. Now he would have the chance to prove himself against the bot-aspirants in battle.


sniperDK would be tested like never before. Sphere's of Eden were running a mining op with the "trifecta": miners, an Orca, and a freighter. sniperDK attended the mining op in a Hurricane.


Once sniperDK revealed himself as a follower of the Code, he was met by the most extraordinary intolerance from his corpmates. This may have had something to do with the manner in which sniperDK displayed his loyalty to the Code; he started killing their Hulks.


Naturally, the exhumers were all fail-fit. A lesser Agent might have logged off in disgust. But remember, sniperDK had spent months preparing for this moment by studying the Code. He wasn't about to give up now.


sniperDK offered the carebears a way to have peace with honour. The freighter pilot, Hello Kitty TheDestroyer, gave in to madness instead. He wasn't expecting emergent gameplay to intrude upon his routine mining op. The bot-aspirant suffered a system failure.


If you have ever held a ship for ransom, you're familiar with industrialists' delaying tactics. They act as though it takes a long time to send someone isk. Don't be fooled! Hello Kitty was hoping to organize a counter-attack to save his freighter. Unfortunately, no one in the corp wanted to participate.


The Orca died next. It had one of the worst fail-fits I've seen: Its lowslots consisted of a single Capacitor Flux Coil. I'm sure the Orca had plenty of capacitor when it blew up.


Now it was the freighter's turn to face justice. Hello Kitty demanded a quick death. He was so programmed that he couldn't live in a highsec with risk. He'd rather be destroyed than be forced to interact with humanity.


The freighter had a lot of hitpoints for sniperDK to chew through, so he took some time to lecture his corpmates about the Code.


sniperDK took the path that most awoxers take: From fresh young recruit directly to the decision-maker and center of the corp's attention. That's power. It's incredible that carebears think the way to earn their corpmates' respect is to slowly work their way up the ranks with years of mind-numbing miner/hauler ops. sniperDK knew better. Shooting your corpmates and linking MinerBumping in corp chat is definitely the way to go.


At last, the beast's structure gave way. The freighter burst open, pouring out a huge supply of illegal ore. The Kernite became particularly luminous and fiery that day.


The corp's leaders decided to go in a different direction and had to let sniperDK go. The Agent wasn't discouraged. He vowed to destroy "every last [non-Code-compliant] miner" in highsec. If you're an illegal miner, now might be a good time to stop. The New Order always keeps its promises.

12 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. As much as I rejoice at every word the Saviour sends our way... when it comes too quickly... wonderful and inspiring stories like this disappear down the page...

      Delete
  2. KnowUsByTheDead approves of this message.

    ReplyDelete
  3. We know why the kernite became luminous and fiery. It was exposed to James 315's glowing ass. Since we are on the subject of James 315's ass. Let's look at the two distinct states that his ass takes, shall we?

    Here we see James' ass in it's natural state, a black hole. Once you pass through the permanently stretched anal sphincter of the event horizon, you fall down towards the black hole itself. It's at that point that you are totally fucked.

    However, when enough mass has entered his ass through either him eating the frozen corpses of the citizens of New Eden, or by direct anal insertion, his ass starts glowing. As the mass of material in his ass increases, his ass gets brighter and brighter due to hawking radiation until the outward radiation in his bowels overwhelms the intense gravitational pull. When this happens, his ass is fully switched to glowing mode and a shit storm of, well, shit and light makes a forceful exit from it.

    The resulting processed matter that exits his ass is then greedily consumed by his followers. In fact, they bathe in his glowing shit. The consumption of James 315's anal products causes a number of very curious and disturbing psychological changes in his followers.

    His followers seem to develop an irresistible urge to permanently lock their lips onto his glowing ass. They also seem to lose the ability to think for themselves and become mindless zombies eagerly awaiting for his ass to start glowing again. In fact, it has been observed that some of his followers will put themselves into his ass to try to speedup the black hole stage so his ass will start glowing again sooner.

    However the attempt usually fails due to the extreme amount of stretch that is present in his ass. This is akin to throwing a hotdog down a hallway for lack of a better analogy. There is a danger though, if James 315's ass switches between black hole and glowing while the follower is inserting himself, then the follower's penis will either fly off or explode.

    Thank you for attending this scientific analysis of the peculiarities of James 315's glowing ass.

    This is another quality trollific post from your friends at Carebears United.

    We are many. We are strong. The code will fail. The code will fall. A free highsec is worth fighting for.

    Saving highsec from the savior of highsec, one carebear at a time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You seem to spend a lot of time thinking about James' ass. Most worshippers of the Saviour of Hisec think about his words.

      Delete
    2. It's hard not to think "ass" when you think anything in regards to James.

      Delete
    3. Seems all Code worshipers have their heads up james ass,
      Then again they automatically lose all faith in emergent game play and
      start to blindly follow james so called prophecy.

      Then they must blindly react to comments that are against their master ass.
      Such as slaves must do, good bye emergent game play. James is single handedly destroying highsec and you are helping him do it how fun.

      the code is flawed.

      Delete
    4. "We are many. We are strong. The code will fail. The code will fall. A free highsec is worth fighting for."

      Brought to you by the department of redundancy department.

      Really, you guys go on about how the code will fail and how soon all of the glorious AFK miners will somehow learn to fit combat ships, fly them, learn game mechanics beyond lock rock press f1 (advanced miners may also use f2 I am told) -- and nothing ever happens. You spew tales of glorious wins against CODE enforcement corporations, and no API verified kills ever get posted.

      If I had 10 million ISK for every bot-aspirant who informed me his main was part of a null-sec powerblock or some elite group of players and that I should expect death soon - i'd have a few billion extra cash sitting in my wallet.

      Hell, a week after the threats stop I usually drop them a eve-mail and let them know where I will be for the next few days, what I will be flying, and provide links to my fittings and general plans. I then undock and hope that some bot-aspirant will actually stay true to his words and come attack me. It never happens.

      This is because carebears do not engage in emergent gameplay. Plain and simple.

      Delete
    5. I was wondering what happened to "Butthurt Miner" after declaring war on CODE. The war report suggested that he placed his head between his legs and high tailed it out of New Eden.
      But reading his response above and taking a hard look at his name it is more likely that he went running around in disguise satisfying his urge to smell everyone’s ass.

      Delete
    6. Writing more words doesn't make a badpost into a gudpost.

      Delete
  4. "sniperDK attended the mining op in a Hurricane."

    I lol'd

    ReplyDelete
  5. I bet that sniperDk had a fail fit cane.... Not even one mining laser upgrade

    ReplyDelete

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