Saturday, February 6, 2016

Goons to the Rescue, Part 1

It was another busy day on the highsec beat for Agents Chocolate Mooses and Karmafleet Is Recruiting. Suddenly, our heroes received an urgent report. Trouble in the Tash-Murkon region!

Gliese 581 was illegally mining. Caught red-handed, the carebear was destroyed. Gliese didn't learn his lesson. Only three days later, he was caught again in the same system.

After two weeks of silence, Chocolate Mooses was shocked to receive a threatening EVEmail from Gliese.

Since Gliese's EVEmail didn't make sense, Chocolate still held out hope that it was all a big misunderstanding. If two EVE players discuss something in a calm, rational manner, problems like this can usually be worked out.
Chocolate Mooses > hi there!
Gliese 581 > u ganked me twice
Gliese 581 > if u dont pay me 1bilion im kicking you out
The convo window was hardly on the screen before it was filled with Gliese's venom.
Chocolate Mooses > Ahhh! I was confused. Please, give me a moment to examine my logs, this sounds very serious.
Gliese 581 > yeah u damn right its serious
Gliese 581 > ill send u home
Now Chocolate was in the horns of a dilemma. If she didn't pay Gliese a hefty ransom, he'd kick her out...?
Chocolate Mooses > Well, I sure would hate to get "kicked out" of whatever you are going to kick me out of! This sounds like a urgent issue! I'm already at home, however, so no need to send me anywhere.
Chocolate Mooses > Can you please provide the loss mails?
Chocolate Mooses > So I may verify your claims?
Gliese 581 > i want 1 Billion thats all
A billion isk is a lot. That's like a hundred New Order mining permits. Chocolate took the miner seriously, but she wasn't going to hand over a fortune without some evidence of wrongdoing.
Chocolate Mooses > Thanks for talking to me first before kicking me out of something (not sure what), let's get this sorted and be calm about it, okay miner?
Gliese 581 > no questions
Gliese 581 > 1 BILLION ISK
Gliese 581 > this is your last chance
Chocolate tried to smooth things over, but Gliese was stuck in hardball mode. He wasn't interested in anything but the money.
Chocolate Mooses > I need to see the loss mails of me ganking you.
Gliese 581 > i will only accept 1 BILLION ISK
Gliese 581 > u messed with the wrong person
Chocolate Mooses > Shhh, miner. Take a deep breath and calm down. I'll pay you 1 billion once we figure this out, assuming that your story checks out and that you were unjustly fired upon.
Gliese 581 > u better
Finally, Chocolate managed to turn down the temperature. She offered to search for the killmails herself. Only when she raised the possibility of paying the miner money did he start to calm down.
Chocolate Mooses > There we go. I see your losses, and I see that I did fire upon you. Were you aware that mining without a permit in high-sec is a crime punishable by death?
Gliese 581 > this convo is DONE
Chocolate Mooses > Just relax, miner. I'm being friendly to you, and I expect to be treated in the same way. Have you read the New Halaima Code of Conduct?
Gliese 581 > NO 1 Billion
Gliese 581 > this convo is OVER BLOCKED NOW FAGGOT HAHAHAAH
The very mention of the Code was enough to trigger a complete diplomatic breakdown. Gliese blocked Chocolate from all further communications. Now she had no way of knowing what she was going to be kicked out of. However, it was reasonable to assume that Gliese meant he was going to kick Chocolate out of her corp or alliance. So she did what any responsible person would do in this situation: She contacted an alliance leader.

Chocolate Mooses was a member of a little alliance called the Goonswarm Federation. Her immediate superior was giovonni Anstian, a senior manager of Goonwaffe human resources. giovonni offered to help Gliese get reimbursement.

Imbued with a new, friendlier attitude, Gliese was happy to talk.
Gliese 581 > heloo
giovonni Anstian > So you were just mining peacefully in 0.7 space
Gliese 581 > yes
giovonni Anstian > and she shot you for no reason?
Gliese 581 > yep
giovonni Anstian > Wow, that's just amazing! I can't imagine one of my members doing anything like that, Chocolate is very well behaved.
The Goonwaffe official got right to business. He was astonished to hear about what Chocolate had been doing while unsupervised.
Gliese 581 > well she ganked me in hi sec
Gliese 581 > yah
Gliese 581 > i lost 70m total
giovonni Anstian > Oh no!
Gliese 581 > yeah im poor
Now that Goon authorities were involved, the rogue Agent was going to be held accountable. Had Chocolate made a mistake by contacting giovonni? Was she going to be kicked out--or would she need to pay a billion isk to the miner? Or perhaps something else entirely was about to happen?

To be continued...


  1. It appears that some form of toxic residue given off by mining/refining ore is causing lowered IQ in asteroid miners.

    I always get a hearty laugh with your blogs; keep up the good work.

    1. Sorry to say, but no. Asteriods are mostly harmless, the miners in question are just dumb as shit, naturally. Cant blame anything but genetics.
      Dumb as shit, fresh out the dog.

    2. Right? I mean how else do you explain fookin MINING. Paying CCP to mine in hisec, gotta be retards.

    3. Naa little kids who can't get a job to pay for membership, or hard working poor people.

  2. Antiganking failed to stop ANOTHER gank!!!!1

    1. I mean, it was the Mooses, ag never stood a chance there. No hope.

  3. Well I can only hope that Giovonni is black because I think this could be their Oscar coming in Part II!

  4. Replies

  5. It's been a long time since I laughed this hard. Gliese 581 is definitely some kind of "special". I can't imagine the will it took for giovonni Anstian to type that response with a straight face.

  6. I'm on the edge of my seat for the continuation!

  7. And this...this is why we all play EVE.

    To laugh hysterically at the idiots...:)
    Mike Adoulin

  8. I have always been curious and really hope I get an honest answer.. Does code actually honour mining permits or are you guys just Cunts and will revoke mining permits as you see fit? Aka you really don't have any sort of code and just gank who ever you feel like because you can.

    1. If you are following the code you shouldnt get ganked. If you are a permit holder and you get ganked its your own fault

    2. Having a permit doesn't mean you get to ignore the Code. It's like a driver's still get ticketed for speeding, running a red light, etc.
      Mike Adoulin

  9. Does being in goonswarm automatically give you the right to care ear in highsec with any repercussions from code?

    1. Negative all citizens that want to be in high sec need a permit. Consider it like a travel visa to the USA even though britain and the US are on good terms politically british cituzens still need a visa to live / work in the US.


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