Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Better Early Than Late, Better Late Than Never

Carebear apologists express a great deal of insincere concern for "newbros". They say we must nerf ganking to protect new players. And if those nerfs just so happen to also benefit the older carebears--oh well, not their intention! But in truth, ganking isn't bad for new players. If a carebear spends too much time in EVE before his first loss, the pain is more severe, not less.


viperme lost a fail-fit Hulk. This pitiable ship was the first loss on viperme's zKillboard record. viperme has been playing EVE for nine and a half years.


Agent Lawrence Lawton reminded the grizzled veteran of his responsibilities under the Code. According to the carebears, someone who's been playing EVE for nearly a decade should be in the proper frame of mind to be ganked.


And yet, the tears did flow.


Agent Lawrence treated the miner like any other. viperme didn't seem to be any more mature than the ones who have been playing only a few days before their first loss.


Just shy of 10 years into the game, viperme still didn't understand the emergent gameplay competitive non-consensual elite PvP sandbox that is EVE. It was as if miners need someone to teach them, or else they'll never get it.


No one had ever reached out to viperme before. Agent Lawrence Lawton was willing. He introduced the miner to the game.


It was then that Lawrence realized that viperme was unusually salty, even for a highsec miner. Could it be that going an extended period of time without being ganked makes things worse for a carebear?


Our Agent had no choice but to classify viperme as a "problem" miner. There can be little doubt that viperme would be happier and healthier in every respect today, had someone done him the favor of ganking him back in 2007.


Agent Lawrence confirmed that the miner suffered from elevated levels of salt, a condition marked by sending multiple tearmails without waiting for a reply.


viperme felt his EVE experience had been ruined. He'd only managed to go nine and a half years without losing a ship. What a tragedy. He probably won't make it to the year 2026 without losing another one. How can a carebear enjoy a game when he's constantly having to watch his back?


Additional tearmails from viperme began to clutter Lawrence's inbox.


Another theory: Miners naturally accumulate reserves of salt which grow until finally released via gank.


After sending a dozen tearmails, viperme finally went quiet. Did he calm down, or did he simply exhaust himself? To find out, we must wait and see if Agent Lawrence Lawton receives his 30 million isk Red Pen fee.

15 comments:

  1. Winning EVE without loyalanon!

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  2. Splendid stuff! This chap does seem to be extremely salty; more so than the run-of-the-mill carebear. Well done, Lawrence for keeping it cool.

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  3. I do enjoy reading about antigankers failing non-stop daily continuously ALL the time!!!!!1

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    1. Hey what's up guys it's scarce here and we have a double upload for today because we have some fucking HUGE stories to talk about. Now our first topic comes from Faze Rain where he tweets: "Just found out a deep dark secret from my girlfriend" and everyone gets worried and then he tweets: "She puts milk before she puts in cereal." like this is fucking crazy i did not expect his girlfriend to do this shit but imma try to stay neutral although im more biased towards rain in this situation. Next topic we have for today is from leafyishere now apparently one of his haters made a video accusing leafyishere of sexually harassing him, like if this is true this is gonna be fucking HUGE. But later leafy tweeted out saying: "i didnt do that" so he didnt do it. and that's it for the video today i hope you enjoyed and if you did please leave a thumbs up and i'll see you later peace.

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  4. Agent Lawrence did everything he could to keep the miner calm, however after 10 years of mining, they are usually beyond help.

    Given the New Order has another 996 years left to go, this miner can certainly expect to be on the receiving end of ongoing disciplinary action for the remainder of his EVE lifetime.

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    1. While the miner himself is likely beyond hope, we see from his case what happens when capsuleers are not exposed to PvP early on. It should serve as motivation to keep up our work.

      viperme probably took a long break from EVE and just came back. The landscape of highsec has certainly changed since his time.

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  5. Fuk these carebears, EVE is PVP you retarded PHags.

    That salt was the lulzy-est!

    ;)

    the Code always wins! Always!

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  6. It is only a guess on my part, but I think the real reason he went quiet is he rented a puppy to kick for the day.

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    1. CODE loves kicking puppies. They do it everyday and wait for tears.

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    2. https://www.reddit.com/r/Eve/comments/47pjs9/rip_kalynn_shardani_of_antiganking/

      it appears antiganking do the real life stuff brah

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    3. Better hope 4Chan never releases your juvie records. You'll need to go into witness protection if that ever happened.

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    4. CODE kills miners, ag kills minors!

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  7. But where oh where is Ming?

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