Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Highsec's Labor Force, Part 1

DamienNOFX was a dangerous man. Not because of his PvP skills, which were lacking, but because of what he represented.

Then our hero entered the story: Agent Knackered Old Goat rode in on a Catalyst and shot DamienNOFX's ship to pieces. It was a smashing victory for the New Order. Elated by his success in battle, Knackered sent DamienNOFX a form EVEmail notifying him that he'd been terminated for AFK mining.

DamienNOFX invited Knackered to a private convo. He wanted to see the evidence of his being AFK, and boy did he get it.

The miner countered with one of the most absurd excuses our Agent had ever heard. It was beyond preposterous.

Agents of the New Order are outrageously professional. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff that gets thrown their way, but they handle it all with grace. And when DamienNOFX demanded to speak with a superior officer, Knackered wasn't defensive at all. None of that "Are you sure you want to escalate this petition?" business you might hear from a GM.

A couple minutes later, an impartial third party was called in. DamienNOFX was in good hands.

Agent Alt 00's polite manner immediately put DamienNOFX at ease. If anything, the miner was starting to get a bit overconfident.

...And then it all fell apart.

In the past, some members of CODE. have been accused of torture. That's not the way we do things. The New Order of Highsec doesn't torture. There are better methods of eliciting a confession from a miner, anyway. Our Agents simply engage in a little rapport-building--and before you know it, the miner's spilling his guts.

Miners love to say that they were ganked at the very moment they left their keyboards. Either our Agents have almost supernaturally good timing, or the miners are lying. Or both. Yeah, probably both.

Alt 00 referred the miner to the rules concerning bathroom usage while mining. Always a good link to have handy.

Now it was time for the ganker to offer his version of events. The story he told was heartbreaking.

DamienNOFX didn't like the way things were going. He did something nobody expected. He blew up the proceedings by posing a question that had not been asked before: What if someone went into labor while mining? Our Agents' commitment to the Code was put to the ultimate test.

To be continued...


  1. But where oh where is Ming?

  2. Failing incredibly hard CODE.

  3. Great job Goat - you're probably one of the most promising up and coming agents The New Order is blessed to have o7

  4. Another ignorant carebear with NO situational awareness of the game he "plays".

    Guilty as charged!

    What? He's not done incriminating himself?

    OK it might be time to cull the carebear herds in highsec. You know, disease and such.

    I'm just sayin, they seem to be getting dumber. Like it's the digital equivalent of inbreeding.


    1. That means it's time to step up enforcement.

      More carebears should be sploded!
      For the good of the herd, it will make the rest of them better players.

      We really need all you null and low guys to start patrolling on your gank alts more. And bring your friends!
      Friendship best ship.

      I think my group will start a holiday event to run thru the first of the year. To correspond with the new clone states. Give out prizes and stuffs.

  5. I can see the scene now....

    In the, soon to be, dramatized version of this legal drama; there will be a loud audible gasp then continued murmurings from the courtroom audience when the actor playing DamienNOFX says "having a pee" ..... and then the Judge (Alt 00) will then need to pound his gavel several times while shouting "order, order in the court"

    - Guybertini

  6. gosh, they´d log in AFK if it was possible.
    dock up before going for a pee , alternatively get a longer dick or more pressure that can cover the 2 secs distance or have a bottle under your desk...noob :P

  7. How can anyone evacuate their bladder in 5 seconds? As all carebears are known to sit on the toilet, it takes at least 1 second to put the seat down and sit, and a further 2 seconds to wipe themselves. 2 seconds to do the deed is impossible.

    The stench of liar is strong with this Damien and I for one applaud KOG in dealing with this moral turpitude.

    NO bathroom protocol might include clauses stating "miners must first wash their hands before communicating with an Agent, out of respect" and "miners should strongly consider a tube and bucket under the table".

  8. antiganking failing hard! Daily! Always!

  9. This is freaking amazing. Excellent writing, loved the opening paragraph. And Damien is one of the most entertaining miners yet. After all these years still delivering the goods. Bravo sir.


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