Monday, August 5, 2013
The Oldest Noob in Highsec
Another terrifying message from a dead miner. Agent Lenda Shinhwa assumed that Covetor pilot Crystalreine Reflections was an easy target. But he made a huge mistake!
Just kidding. Agents of the New Order don't really make mistakes. Less than an hour after sending the threatening EVEmail, Crystalreine switched gears and began complaining that he was just a helpless, "week old noob" who "cant fight back". This is typical. We hear all the time that the New Order is full of bullies who pick on newbies. The problem with this argument is that it's not true. And even when a dead miner claims to be a newbie, they're never actually newbies. Sometimes these "noobs" have been playing the game for six months, or a year, or...
Lenda decided to look up Crystalreine's bio and forward it to me. The "week old noob" started playing EVE over seven and a half years ago, on Christmas Day, 2005. Incredibly, this carebear's character is older than James 315!
Lenda encouraged Crystalreine to put aside his revenge fantasies and begin following the Code. Crystalreine insisted that he didn't have access to 10 million isk, repeating the claim that he was just a "fucking noob".
When Lenda called him out on his bio, Crystalreine finally admitted that he had played EVE for about two years, taking a break and then returning recently. In typical carebear logic, the facts didn't matter, because Crystalreine "feels" new. Apparently, his two years of experience in EVE evaporated from his memory; all he could remember how to do was mine and fit his ship "semi properly". Let's take a closer look at his Covetor's "semi-proper" fit:
Yeah, nothing wrong there. No tank in a 0.5 system, a bunch of drone rigs, and an empty lowslot, because why would a Covetor need more than one of those?
Strangely, Crystalreine's mood didn't improve even after unburdening himself of his lies. Lenda tried to get the poor fellow to snap out of it.
Mining, fail-fitting ships, whining, and filing petitions: These are the only skills that Crystalreine still possessed after taking a few years' break from EVE.
In spite of Crystalreine's Swiss cheese memory, things were beginning to return to him. In an instant, he recalled that the EULA forbids scamming and interrupting gameplay (i.e. blowing up spaceships). Space lawyering is like riding a bicycle, it seems.
At last, Crystalreine's confidence was restored. Armed with the phone number for customer service, he was ready for anything the EVE galaxy could throw at him. Impressed, Lenda sent him this GIF:
Every time the subjects of miner ganking, bumping, wardeccing, can-flipping, and other highsec fun comes up, concerned citizens solemnly lecture us about the importance of retaining new players. We must protect the newbies, they say. They don't know what they're talking about, because they haven't interacted with any of these alleged newbies. The New Order, on the other hand, knows the carebears all too well. With "noobs" like these, who needs bittervets?