Monday, August 5, 2013
The Oldest Noob in Highsec
Another terrifying message from a dead miner. Agent Lenda Shinhwa assumed that Covetor pilot Crystalreine Reflections was an easy target. But he made a huge mistake!
Just kidding. Agents of the New Order don't really make mistakes. Less than an hour after sending the threatening EVEmail, Crystalreine switched gears and began complaining that he was just a helpless, "week old noob" who "cant fight back". This is typical. We hear all the time that the New Order is full of bullies who pick on newbies. The problem with this argument is that it's not true. And even when a dead miner claims to be a newbie, they're never actually newbies. Sometimes these "noobs" have been playing the game for six months, or a year, or...
Lenda decided to look up Crystalreine's bio and forward it to me. The "week old noob" started playing EVE over seven and a half years ago, on Christmas Day, 2005. Incredibly, this carebear's character is older than James 315!
Lenda encouraged Crystalreine to put aside his revenge fantasies and begin following the Code. Crystalreine insisted that he didn't have access to 10 million isk, repeating the claim that he was just a "fucking noob".
When Lenda called him out on his bio, Crystalreine finally admitted that he had played EVE for about two years, taking a break and then returning recently. In typical carebear logic, the facts didn't matter, because Crystalreine "feels" new. Apparently, his two years of experience in EVE evaporated from his memory; all he could remember how to do was mine and fit his ship "semi properly". Let's take a closer look at his Covetor's "semi-proper" fit:
Yeah, nothing wrong there. No tank in a 0.5 system, a bunch of drone rigs, and an empty lowslot, because why would a Covetor need more than one of those?
Strangely, Crystalreine's mood didn't improve even after unburdening himself of his lies. Lenda tried to get the poor fellow to snap out of it.
Mining, fail-fitting ships, whining, and filing petitions: These are the only skills that Crystalreine still possessed after taking a few years' break from EVE.
In spite of Crystalreine's Swiss cheese memory, things were beginning to return to him. In an instant, he recalled that the EULA forbids scamming and interrupting gameplay (i.e. blowing up spaceships). Space lawyering is like riding a bicycle, it seems.
At last, Crystalreine's confidence was restored. Armed with the phone number for customer service, he was ready for anything the EVE galaxy could throw at him. Impressed, Lenda sent him this GIF:
Every time the subjects of miner ganking, bumping, wardeccing, can-flipping, and other highsec fun comes up, concerned citizens solemnly lecture us about the importance of retaining new players. We must protect the newbies, they say. They don't know what they're talking about, because they haven't interacted with any of these alleged newbies. The New Order, on the other hand, knows the carebears all too well. With "noobs" like these, who needs bittervets?
Posted by MinerBumping at 18:42
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That was a great episode, had me cracking up. Some quality James 315 snark right there, alongside biting commentary as always.ReplyDelete
I'm still waiting for my assraping. While gathering their forces (or maybe putting customer service on speed dial), they've moved to a 0.8 system for the time being.ReplyDelete
Darn and I was eagerly awaiting their wardec with their impressive 34 kills and 98 losses.ReplyDelete
Another inspiring article from the Saviour! It's already being mentioned in the Eve-o forums.ReplyDelete
Link or it didnt happen. (please)Delete
Well so you are like a bunch of mobsters?:P You Silly fuck good luck trying to enforce this stupid law ;p not all miners are defensless :PReplyDelete
The miners smart enough to be an actual threat also understand that the New Order is beneficial for their profit, so they buy a permit and follow the Code. They enjoy watching the AFK mining competition getting crushed by Agents and Knights, and after that they happily think about the increased sell value of their well-earned ore.Delete
No. Not all miners. Just the highsec ones. They don't defend themselves, and they don't even bother to defend each other.Delete
Witnessing the results of my enforcement action against one of your bot aspirant friends last night has proven to me that there truly is no honor within carebear society.
My mining permit is a verbal confession for all of my past sins.
My baptism by CONCORD is a revolutionary act to wash my sins away and begin anew.
I hold shares as a pledge of loyalty and support, to a noble, and just cause.
And my first gank, is simply a validation of that one and simple truth, for the true word is the Code, and James 315 is my shepherd.
I am not Anonymous. I am out there, and I am watching, too.
For the New Order!
Oh, and the tears! They were tasty! ;^)
Ya know what the real irony is? That highsec miners are making a big deal of you guys, but you're actually about as much of a threat as wet toilet paper.
Since my first (and only) interaction with your guys in game, I've not even seen you anywhere. Now, that might be because my friend and I only mine for a couple hours, once a week right now. We're far from greedy, and don't require a high sustainability. But I wouldn't be surprised if it's a combination of your lack of dedicated numbers, and low attention span.
Now don't get me wrong, suicide ganking is an annoying tactic, albeit effective. But for all the huffin' and puffin' the "New Order" does, you guys are still just basically "deja vu" to coin a reference from The Matrix. That is, an obvious response to a change in the system.
Even more ironic, is that your "response" is effectively the same type of whining that caused the changes you are responding to, simply because your constant badgering of the miners in the first place brought about those changes you so despise.
I certainly understand the immediate frustration from miners that leads to their shotgun reactions and over exaggerations, but based on all of the articles I see on your site, I still believe that at some point, someone will eventually get miners to employ tactics to counter you.
You can think of that as a fallacy if you wish, but those who underestimate their enemy are always the most likely to "die by their hand." (non-literal, obviously)
Even if they fight back we still win, simply because of the fact that we will have molded the lazy, complacent, bot aspirant miners into actual living players.
Besides, even the botters in carebear games such as Runescape get banned, but yet I'm not saying that these bot aspirant miners ought to be banned. Far from it. I'm only here to save them from their own apathy.
Branden James, you know who is truly making a big deal of the New Order? You...you read and comment every single MinerBumping post lol...Delete
Anon 1:21, I only read ignorant posts...hmm...I guess that is every article and post.Delete
Michael: Ya know, the US government uses the excuse that they are trying to save countries from themselves all the time. I wonder how that's working out for them *cough*9/11*cough*.
learn to troll noobDelete
Branden, you started as one who wanted to argue, but you now descended into the filthy realm of gratuitous hating and insulting...you're showing your true colors. You're definitely the new Bobbins, be proud of you.Delete
What about doing something in game against your hated James 315? Shouldn't you easily outsmart him if he's so ignorant?
Got to love the RL comparisons... Branden, where on doll did the bad gankers touch you?Delete
how do these short bus soldiers manage to breath?ReplyDelete
May i just ask-ReplyDelete
according to your code, it is somewhat ambiguously written that agents are supposed to see if you are active by chatting to you or something of the like, and if you prove that you are there, you aren't considered a target unless you are seen there every day. so may i ask:
if i am bumped, respond in local that im here and ask if i may help my bumper in any way, then get ganked anyhow, what kind of code is this? if that is the case, then you are really just saying your code is nothing but an excuse to suicide gank people for profit. are you really a "savior," or just trying to run the biggest scam in eve?
Did you have/ask to buy a permit? Ganked permit holders who are Code-compliant are eligible for reimbursement.Delete
That is correct. To check if you are eligible for reimbursement you can contact "Babatunde B Babatunde", the best space lawyer in New Eden.Delete
Crystalreine Reflections has bought a permit! Another Victory for the Order!ReplyDelete
Evolution does not favour mean peopleReplyDelete
"Selfish traits not favoured by evolution, study shows"Delete
This is promising news - over time, the population of AFK miners and bot-aspirants will dwindle, to be replaced by respectful and responsible Code-adhering miners!
HAHA FUNNY READS THIS , YOU HIGH SEC DUDES SURE KNOW HOW TO PARTYReplyDelete
Oops sorry capsDelete
Same old story. Bot-aspirants demand highsec is made risk free for "newbies" when they actually mean risk averse veterans who'd rather play solo.ReplyDelete