Monday, August 26, 2013

The Murderous Madness of Minerdom, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... Ever since I became the Saviour of Highsec and waged war against the bot-aspirants, Jennifer en Marland and her band of rebels have been obsessed with one mission: To destroy the Invincible Stabber piloted by James 315, leader of humanity.

First they came with a group of cheap Catalysts. They failed.

In their second attempt, they brought heavier equipment, a tech II fitted Caracal...

...and a Brutix battlecruiser. As before, the Invincible Stabber defeated them.

Then, one day, two battleships appeared in an asteroid belt. The cost of these gank ships--if indeed they were intended for ganks--was several times greater than the cost of my Invincible Stabber. They realized that they could not kill my ship with smaller, cost-effective vessels. But surely they would not allow their blind rage to consume them, to forget the concept of isk ratios. Surely it was a bluff.

...Or so it was thought, until the first battleship, a Typhoon, opened fire.

The Typhoon's attacks were designed to exploit a well-known vulnerability in the Invincible Stabber's shields. The Typhoon was equipped with EM torpedoes and even EM drones. This was no spur-of-the-moment decision. It was a premeditated ambush, the damage output carefully planned and calculated to eliminate the Invincible Stabber once and for all.

Once the Typhoon was committed, they had already lost more isk than the value of the ship they were trying to destroy. Jennifer's Armageddon locked me, but did not fire. Would she come to her senses at the last moment?

No, there was no turning back. The Armageddon was only holding its fire until it could get into range. Once the Typhoon had launched its last torpedo, the Armageddon struck. Isk no longer mattered. The mad rebel would spare no expense in her quest to prove the Invincible Stabber's mortality. If the numbers on EFT said that two battleships were needed to ensure the target went down, that's what she would bring.

Meanwhile, Victor Day had no idea why local had gone silent. He had to go, but he was still hanging onto the threat of his phantom Fcon fleet.

Jennifer's Armageddon thundered away. She could taste victory. Previous attempts to gank my ship had failed because members of her gank fleet didn't open fire. ("How do you shoot the Father of the New Order in the back? What if you miss?") Other attempts failed because they couldn't keep my ship within the short range of their blasters. Relying on torpedoes and drones, range and tracking were no longer in play. It was a straight-up math problem. There was no honour to be had here. It was the kind of combat that a bot-aspirant prefers--it was all down to the numbers.

Jennifer had checked and re-checked the numbers. She brought what the math had told her to bring. The numbers told her that she would win. As the shields of the Invincible Stabber evaporated, everything seemed to confirm her calculations. And yet, for all her EFT'ing and theorycrafting, there was one variable that she hadn't factored in. One thing that no bot-aspirant could factor in: The human element. The desire of one man to save highsec.

Jennifer's Armageddon fell silent. Against all odds, the Invincible Stabber's shields held. The rebel looked on in disbelief. On paper, the DPS was more than enough. The ship should have died--it should have been a smoking wreck by now!

And yet it bumps.

CONCORD Police Commander stopped by to make sure everything was okay. Of course it was. Everything was perfectly in Order.

Looting the wreck of Jennifer's Armageddon, I spied a pair of large explosive smartbombs. I instantly understood their purpose: If you want to pod someone in highsec, you can do with two large, named, explosive smartbombs. As part of her plan, she had intended to get her hands on my frozen corpse. Instead, she learned a valuable lesson about life in a human world: The future can't be measured and plotted on a chart, to be processed by some machine. The human spirit defies such bot-aspirant thinking.

Oh yeah, and I might have slightly modified the configuration of my tank just prior to the attack.


  1. Justice.

    Praise James 315!

  2. As if there ever was any doubt that the Savior would prevail.

  3. wow my heart was going crazy while reading this, but the new order won once again \o/

    Agent Selina

  4. Humanity can sleep easy for another night

  5. Are the slight modifications referred to EM resistance rig/s perchance?

  6. The treasury's looking a little bit scarce today.

    1. what do you expect for him to use his own money on his own ships?

    2. i know it might be a hard concept to grasp, especially when youre living in moms basement, but whenever you have to pay the bills, your wallet doesnt have as much left in it.....duh.
      maybe youre unaware that noncompliant miners get ganked after the defiance/noncompliance two-step.
      perhaps you dont know that James reimburses every ganking ship lost enforcing The Code. when the wallet goes down, so does the amount of noncompliant mining. have you ever been so benevolent?? have your actions ever made such an impact?? doubtful.
      finally, anonymous fail troll, James would rather be penniless, with 100% of miners at their keyboards PLAYING the game theyre logged into, than have 999 Quadrillion isk and even 1 player who thinks its ok to click the button to turn a mining laser on....and then walk away from his computer.
      just a little real talk for you guys.

  7. No amount of EFT-warrioring or theorycrafting can account for our Saviour's Courage and Indomitable Spirit... ANOTHER VICTORY FOR THE NEW ORDER!!!

  8. It looks like the SHEEPPLE are in line...

  9. Good always prevails on evil, that's why rebels have no chance. The New Order is more than a ship, more than a single man, more than a fleet of's the idea of justice, and justice always finds its way inside good people's hearts.

  10. Saints be praised!

  11. I guess the renaming of the Invincible Stabber will have to wait

  12. Jen, skip carriers and dreads for the next two attempts and go straight to titans! I hear the doomsday weapons really hit hard.

    1. well she can always ask for the question of three!!!!
      and win a honoruable pvp battle.



  13. Awesome read, stuff like this is the reason I joined eve.

  14. Tbh I thought the rebels had a chance this time.. I mean, common, two suicide battleships.. Of course you can't really factor in stupid until after the fact; and, usually it's not stupid, it's just common mistakes.. but for this scenario you can see how the rebels aren't up for the task to successfully suicide gank AND seeing as they've tried this several times now, they're just stupid. Math can only do so much guys... Go gank to be better at ganking and then come back and, to use a phrase, play with the big boys. Until then thanks for the laugh.

  15. Wow, just wow!

    You just know the carebear rebels were convinced that by going all out nuclear they had this one in the bag. I would have loved to see their faces as they were Concorded with the Invincible Stabber very much in one piece.

    - Guybertini

  16. So much for the carebears who say that suicide ganking is easy!

  17. Two battleships with t2 guns/ammo and she still fails.


    Wow, this chick really sucks at EVE.

  18. The first one was an idiot for not waiting for his friend to get into range, and the second an idiot for opening fire despite the delay. If the Arma would have not attacked, it could have waited for #1 to show up in a new BB, then properly coordinated the strike to get closer to the EFT-calculated maximum damage.

    Of course, none of that helps if the EFT is based on outdated information regarding the target's fit, as was the case. But if they had simultaneously attacked as in a proper gank, they might have made James pay an armor/hull repair bill, thus rendering the Stabber not invincible by having done physical damage to it.

    Kudos to James 315 for posting the fit then updating it so that attacks based on the public fit fail against him.


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