Saturday, October 19, 2013

Our Lady of Sorrows

Unless you truly know someone, you don't know what lies beneath the expression on his or her face. Take, for example, DiaRosCris:

If you saw this face in local, it wouldn't mean anything to you. You probably wouldn't give her a second glance. But that's only because you don't know her. So let's spend a little time today getting to know DiaRosCris.

DiaRosCris has spent the last several months getting blown up. Occasionally, she attempts to mine in lowsec. Then she gets blown up and returns to highsec, where Agents of the New Order destroy her Mackinaws--such as this one, terminated by Agents loyalanon and Sophia Soprano. Apparently it's equipped with some kind of anti-bumping fit, but not really. Whatever it was, it didn't work.

...So loyalanon promptly busted her 712 million isk worth of implants. This was just another day in the life of DiaRosCris. For someone who's spent all four and a half years of her EVE career in the School of Applied Knowledge NPC starter corp, she hasn't learned much.

A couple weeks later, DiaRosCris lost a 1.1 billion isk freighter traveling through lowsec. Why take such a risk? What was the precious cargo involved? A single Caldari Shuttle. She also lost another of her 712 million isk pods for her trouble. In hindsight, maybe using a freighter to move a shuttle through lowsec was overkill. If she wanted to move a shuttle through lowsec, maybe she should've used, I don't know, a shuttle.

Let us not be too quick to judge DiaRosCris! The shuttle wasn't the cheap cargo we might assume. A few days later, she tried piloting a Caldari Shuttle, this time through highsec. The killmail doesn't lie: It was worth 69 million isk, because it had some Domination Overdrive Injectors in its cargo. We know this thanks to Agent D400, who hates bot-aspirant shuttle pilots and kills them whenever he can.

DiaRosCris' alt, DiaRoss, also frequently loses mining ships to the New Order. Most recently, Agent Spine Ripper, the ganking alt of the inimitable Agent Bing Bangboom, killed DiaRoss' Retriever.

So let us look once more at the portrait of DiaRosCris. Does it look any different to you now, now that you know her? We can see that she's wearing a thousand-yard stare. DiaRosCris carries around a heavy burden with her, and I'm not talking about a Caldari Shuttle. She's the only woman in the world who can fully grasp the horror of what it means to live one's life as DiaRosCris.

...But that won't stop her from trying to communicate it to us. Bing Bangboom sent me the following message:

"James, I came back to find this in local where I had been afk cloaking all day. I'm not really sure what caused this but one of my recent victims decided to do Shakespeare in Space. Uncut, I give you the soliloquy of DiaRosCris."

DiaRosCris > hola amigos de eve
DiaRosCris > today i wrote a email to ccp
DiaRosCris > o change that
DiaRosCris > i am a minner
DiaRosCris > i like to mine
DiaRosCris > but that
DiaRosCris > are the evil
DiaRosCris > thats a crime
DiaRosCris > i minig long time i lose many ship of zhat stupid glouiis..mining gang bang what ever
DiaRosCris > i close to close my acount of that
DiaRosCris > why that ppl no respect..
DiaRosCris > us minners
DiaRosCris > i fooow hat org
DiaRosCris > that is the same like real liofe
DiaRosCris > hey give me you money or i shut yu
DiaRosCris > why that
DiaRosCris > in hat game
DiaRosCris > i close to break my acount of that ppl
DiaRosCris > ist not correct
DiaRosCris > it rember me of my kid scool hey give me money..if not i bang you
DiaRosCris > i wrote a CCP pls corect that in your new patch
DiaRosCris > if you like to kill ppl hen go to - sec
DiaRosCris > and dont make us miners..
DiaRosCris > bla bla bla
DiaRosCris > that incorect stuff mus be correct by CCP
DiaRosCris > is that..that waht we want to day??
DiaRosCris > hey kid?
DiaRosCris > give me you monex on the schooll??
DiaRosCris > or i bang you
DiaRosCris > this is waht we want in a game??
DiaRosCris > i got a dejavu11111111111
DiaRosCris > ALLL IME
DiaRosCris > pls suuport me..
DiaRosCris > so that CCP.. change that..
DiaRosCris > ERROR
DiaRosCris > we dont want to FIGHT!!! we WANT TO MINE!!!
DiaRosCris > BIG LETTER TO ccp--O CHANGE SO;ME things
DiaRosCris > ITS looks like real life!!!HEY manGIVE ME YOU MONEY OR YOU GAK BANG..what ebever!!!
DiaRosCris > 10 mill bucks for bamooboo bing..and his second acoud spine ripper
DiaRosCris > oda i close my acout
DiaRosCris > cose of that.-.SHIT.. MININGBUMPER--com
DiaRosCris > THAN YOU
DiaRosCris > SO CORESCT!
DiaRosCris > anyway..i hope CCP can watch that incorecct doing!!!
DiaRosCris > PEACE TO ALL MINERS!!!!!!!
DiaRosCris > big bangboom and spine ripper r the same person!!!....for all miner thake CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The next time you are able, dear reader, light a candle for DiaRosCris. May she one day learn to correctly spell the URL for and enter it into the web browser of her choice. May she then find her way to the Code, and with it, find some measure of peace.


  1. DiaRosCris - stymied at every turn, battered and bruised by her ignorance.

    1. AND new order ARRONACE...

    2. She's no one to blame for her losses except herself. A keyboard miner with her time spent in game would tank better than she does, and make sure to avoid trouble. Or the other alternative would be to accept the code.

  2. never laughed so hard at a chatlog!

    - Sammy

  3. She's like a non-adorable Moonsong Miner :(

    1. Bring moonsong back, this is just painful to read

  4. I have found the literature here to be amusing for some time, never have a laughed like I did after reading this line, "Does it look any different to you now, now that you know her? We can see that she's wearing a thousand-yard stare." Especially after wondering what the opening about her portrait was leading up to.

    Holy hell you are one clever bastard. I will still continue to mine in sin, but I will always have respect for the order and the man who makes it so.



  6. For the record. My wife has forbidden me banging anyone but her for the last 20yr or so. She's very close minded on the subject. Just wanted to make sure, in case she sees this, that I've never banged anyone else. Only the pewpew.. never the "GAK BANG".

  7. I came. I saw. I collapsed into hysterical fits of laughter

  8. Pure Gold!!

    I have tears in my eyes from laughing so much.

    - Guybertini

  9. I sincerely feel bad for ppl like her. I don't even think it's funny. Being in the game for that long and still seemingly having no clue whatsoever to how stuff works....

  10. Does this make You feel better for all the times You were the victim? Does hurting someone, that is being a victim all her life makes You tingly inside? Do You like to roleplay being bad? You make me want to puke, really. There is no poetry in being a lowlife, just none.

    1. OH right! I totally forgot that a game is the same as real life!

      That means I have murdered more hundreds of people...

      I'm guilty! oh please arrest me officer! I am not fit to live! /s

  11. I read the soliloquy, and as I do, I hear the words in my head...

    ...voiced by Hank Azaria as if he were reprising his role as Agador in "The Birdcage".


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