Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The Female Relative

Do you remember Lisanna struss? To refresh your memory, he was the self-appointed protector of illegal mining who wailed for a half-hour on TeamSpeak about the loss of his fail-fit Drake. If you missed that post, I strongly recommend you read it now and listen to the audio recording. Once you're caught up, feel free to rejoin the rest of us.


As Agent loyalanon was AFK in station one day, the notorious Lisanna struss entered local and began typing a series of messages. To begin with, he announced that it would be his sister, not Lisanna himself, who would be at the keyboard. Naturally, such a claim must be received only with the greatest of skepticism. But this time, it was actually true.


Lisanna's older sister, identifying herself as "Keisha", made known her feelings about what had happened to Lisanna, or "Steven". Since loyalanon was AFK, there was no conversation; Keisha's monologue was simply logged. Why was Steven's sister getting involved? Because she had bankrolled the account with PLEX, and presumably Steven had run out of isk due to the New Order.


Armed only with the (outrageously biased) background information Steven had given her, Keisha began to explain why the Code was not a good thing. She had never played EVE before, but knew a bit about the game from what her brother told her.


After half an hour with no reply from the AFK Agent, Keisha concluded her remarks.


Steven's big sister eventually allowed him to regain access to his EVE character. He disavowed everything that had occurred during the previous hour.


A few days later, he learned of the MinerBumping post that had been made about his Drake and his previous adventures on TeamSpeak. He vowed to launch an investigation and to post some kind of a rebuttal on YouTube.

At this point, you might be wondering why New Order Intelligence is so confident that Lisanna does, in fact, have an older sister. It's because Agent loyalanon was able to arrange a meeting on TeamSpeak with both "Steven" and "Keisha". What follows is one of the most remarkable recordings we have yet heard. In Ripard Teg's infamous essay sparking the Erotica 1 controversy/witch-hunt, Ripard repeatedly urged EVE players to get an outside perspective. Specifically, he said to tell a "female relative" about the things that go on in EVE. He was confident that EVE players' female relatives would be horrified by all the scamming and PvP. How would Lisanna's sister react when loyalanon explained why Lisanna's Drake had been destroyed?


The more loyalanon explained the Code and what the New Order does, the more she sympathized with our cause. She admitted that if she played EVE, she would probably want to go around shooting miners, too. When she asked her brother why he didn't just join the New Order, Lisanna patiently explained that ganking miners isn't "elite PvP". In the past, Lisanna had tried to get his sister interested in playing EVE, but there was nothing in his carebear career that drew her in. Now, to Lisanna's dismay, his own sister expressed an interest in joining the New Order to gank miners.


After the TeamSpeak conference ended, Lisanna passed on a message to loyalanon on behalf of his sister. There is nothing surprising about it. Many a woman have been captivated by a dashing young Agent of the New Order, piloting a gleaming Catalyst in a ganking op drilled to perfection. On the other side of the ledger, few men can deny the obvious appeal of a woman who enforces the Code.

BONUS! Though Lisanna never made good on his promise to create an anti-Order YouTube video, MinerBumping never leaves its readers empty-handed. loyalanon created his own YouTube video. It's not necessarily anti-Order. In fact, it's a tribute to me. But since the carebears don't have a valid point of view of their own, it's all good.

Dedication to James 315 (VIDEO)

32 comments:

  1. A beautiful tale.

    Maybe Ripard needs to change it to Elderly Female relatives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Show me on the catalyst doll where Ripard touched you.

      Delete
  2. plot twist Lisanna's sister becomes a new order agent

    ReplyDelete
  3. Does anyone remember the husband and wife team? One was New Order ganker one was a rebel. Guess which one was with us? She was hysterical in coms. I wish I could remember her name. Hearing her, playfully, taunt her husband when he failed to prevent a gank was funny as hell.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I just get a vision of Lisanna sitting in a darkened room in front of his computer monitor and his sister sneaking up behind him with a, I guess, a crickett bat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *Whack!* "Ow! What are you doing!?" "I'm ganking you!" *Whack!*

      Delete
  5. i bet she has bad teeth

    ReplyDelete
  6. So funny towards the end where she thinks it would be fun if she could gank him repeatedly and a little brother sister psyche war for words starts :) I do so hope she gives Eve a go and comes to love it as much as the rest of us. I love happy endings :) especially when they are free.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whats funnier is they didnt realize they were open micing.

      Delete
  7. Well done loyal; knowing when to intervene on comms and when to stfu is a great skill. Could 'hear' you holding your sides now and then, I just burst out laughing. Great video too, Wolf Soprano!

    Sasha.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Replies
    1. They all sound hot!

      Delete
    2. damn right, holes are holes!

      Delete
  9. Gretchen VonGaankJune 11, 2014 at 11:19 PM

    "It belongs to our Savior, James 315."

    Heavy Sigh

    "That fucking name. Seriously, who the fuck is this guy?"

    That has to be one of my favorite parts.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You seriously cannot make this shit up.

    Highsec afk miners are strange people.

    ReplyDelete
  11. yeah loyalanon has sexy voice, no gay

    ReplyDelete
  12. Cant you guys go ONE week without crying about Ripard Teg'?? How long will the butthurt continue??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. James' mom cant sing, she killed herself.

      Delete
  13. Cant you go ONE day without crying about Code.'?? How long will the butthurt continue??

    ReplyDelete
  14. £40 - darn, poor girl, not only has and afk miner brother, he is also leeching her and potentially lying (a Drake and couple of miners £40??)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Lisanna, it seems, was quite pissed.
    Lost his drake with all its fail fits,
    But rather than CODE,
    He'd rather explode,
    And later involve his own sis.

    Keisha, it seems, is quite dashing,
    She threatens the order with hacking,
    But when push comes to shove,
    She's not in it for love,
    And would rather partake in the ganking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amazingly job my friend!

      Delete
  16. I imagine them to be the sister and brother roommates from Bridesmaid.

    http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/03/15/article-2293909-18AFD82C000005DC-547_634x322.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  17. The basis of the CODE. alliance is self-inducing delusions in order to feel triumphant.
    Many have said this before. Today I offer proof.

    You folk convinced yourselves that having a bounty placed on CODE. was completely pointless and would make no difference. Yet Aufay and other systems are filled with players hoping to cash in on the bounties the moment you go GCC.

    Whether or not these players have actually stopped any ganks is irrelevant. The point is that a competent player group can and would be motivated by the billions of ISK they can make doing so.

    Please proceed to self-induce yet another delusion in order to convince yourselves my post here is incorrect. I look forward to reading it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The basis of the CODE. alliance & the New Order is a labor of love & selflessness. New Order supports & fights for every human in high-sec who desires to actually PLAY Eve. Whether or not these "groups" organize and inflict damage on NO/CODE. is irrelevant and, in fact, would accomplish one of the New Orders goals, that of. . . . emergent game-play. I am certain that CODE. will welcome any adversaries and handle the situation in the usual cordial and professional manner that sets all agents apart from the angry bot-aspirant miners.

      Delete
    2. Hey look! Another anon that doesn't know how bounties work!

      Delete
    3. dude no one is there because they can get a few isk from blowing up a small ship, stop kidding yourself. They're there to shoot something that they are allowed to shoot, and blinkies are the easiest targets to find in high sec.

      Delete
    4. Killing people In ships they plan on losing to concord does not deter anything. Additionally I am not code but they made me leave hi Sec and I couldn't be happier. I make more isk, roam, defend system, help hot drop and additionally the mining is much better too. Explore the game a bit care bears.

      Delete
  18. Haha ganked in TS by his own sister, she sounds like fun.

    ReplyDelete

Note: If you are unable to post a comment, try enabling the "allow third-party cookies" option on your browser.