Saturday, May 11, 2013

Grand Theft Orca, Part 1

You know all those movies and TV shows where they show you something, and then make nearly the entire episode/movie a flashback by cutting to "X hours/days earlier..."? Annoying, right? Let's do that.


48 hours earlier...


I received an EVEmail from Dreanna Synx. I had barely gotten one line into the EVEmail when I realized it was going to be a very good day to be the Saviour of Highsec.


It's not entirely unheard of for highsec miners to have one pilot juggling two ships. By keeping the empty ship locked, they can prevent others from boarding it. But Dreanna had been podded several systems away, leaving the Orca unprotected.


The EVEmail concluded just as I hoped it would: A Hulk was dead, an Orca was stolen, and a bot-aspirant fatale was asking me for help. I took the case instantly. The game was afoot.


Dreanna's Hulk was killed by Agents John E Normus and Fawn Tailor. It was a 0.5 system, but the dizzy dame hadn't bothered to fit any tank mods. John podded her out of the system. You might think this was an open-and-shut case, but you'd be wrong. None of my Agents had taken the Orca.


I wrote Dreanna at once. My first priority was to calm her down and let her know everything would be all right. We know how these bot-aspirants can get hysterical. Then came the help:


I saved the day. By giving her the Code, I prevented Dreanna from ever needing to lose another ship.


Then I received a curious reply. Dreanna apparently did not realize I had helped her.


Sometimes gank victims are in shock, and the Code is a bit much for them to handle. I gave her a tl;dr of the Code and called it a day.


My eye twitched a little when I got this EVEmail. It was going to be another one of those bot-aspirants.


Dreanna was obstinate. If this sort of thing hadn't happened before, I never would have believed she wasn't willing to pledge loyalty to me yet.


It's a common misconception that I hate miners. EVE is just a computer game. I only hate Code-violating miners.


Dreanna was sore about the 315 isk CSPA charge that she incurred each time she sent me an EVEmail. You know how it looks like I sign my EVEmails with "315"? I don't, really. It's a minus 315.


It's true that we bump and kill miners who aren't in the Order. But if we continue to kill and bump miners, more and more miners will join us, which will mean we will have to kill and bump fewer miners. Then we'll have a reputation for being peaceful, because we have to hurt so few people.


Dreanna terminated our conversation. She predicted a resistance would rise up against us. By this point, carebears have predicted about a hundred out of the last zero rebellions. The bottom line was that Dreanna refused my help. But she had one more card left to play.

Next time: The New Order tracks down the Orca thief, and Dreanna seeks help from an alternative saviour: Agent Galaxy Pig.

51 comments:

  1. I know how this all pans out and I still can't wait for the next episode!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same here, looking forward to the next 'episode' of the Grand Orca Theft even though I was there when this went down! Nice job again guys, not everyday an Orca is stolen.. or rather saved during a non-code compliant gank.

      Delete
  2. But Galaxy Pig is covered in the tears and pod-goo of hundreds of non-compliant miners! I predict a great result for the New Order!

    *starts popping popcorn

    ReplyDelete
  3. samantha ivainesuMay 11, 2013 at 7:28 PM

    any result with tears or a pods a result

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. any sentence without a predicate a sentence

      Delete
    2. Samantha IvainesuMay 11, 2013 at 8:48 PM

      Sorry I'm rubbish at English, due to dyslexia.
      Was trying to say, any result that leads to tears or a bot pod kill is a good result.

      Delete
  4. I'm not so sure I can read the rest of the story without laughing out loud.

    This is too good. Nice job all involved and a typical hilarious write-up by our savior!

    When do I get to play with other Knights-I'm still soloing it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd suggest sending evemails to any of the Agents/Knights you see featured on the page or on New Order Logistics killmails, to ask where/when they are playing. :)

      Delete
    2. Forum thread to check out, by Fawn Tailor:

      minerbumping.41656.x6.nabble.com/Starting-out-td2186.html;cid=1364033470951-228

      Delete
  5. it's like if there was a "ghost ridin the whip" video where the guy gets run over by his own car, rushed to the hospital, then his car gets stolen while he's scrambling to reach it

    ReplyDelete
  6. Man I can't wait for the next episode

    - Thomas Nook

    ReplyDelete
  7. 40 Civilians died in Syria not long ago because of a terrorist bombing, and shes calling you terrorists because of 10m iskies she doesnt wana pay.. thats kind of scary when you think about it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The correct term would be extortionist. This is not a new order at all just mafia stuff. Really enough of the RP bullshit.

      Delete
    2. We can give Dreanna Synx the benefit of the doubt and attribute it to roleplaying of her own.

      Delete
    3. Anon: You are playing an MMORPG.

      Buried in that acronym are the words Role Playing Game.

      If we want to role play the forces of order and good government, and have fun doing it, well, who is more socially retarded here?

      Someone who gets bent out of shape by losing pixels in a space role playing game and starts spewing "Hitler!" and "Extortionists!", or someone who is having a hilariously fun time role-playing Knights of the New Order?

      Delete
    4. @ Trask

      What do you mean 'Role Play'?? Does it mean it's all just a game and that I should remove my huge James 315 poster with altar from my living room? I was just about to build a James' statue in my garden :( This is disappointing.

      Regards

      Robert Leheirault

      Delete
    5. @Robert Thefailurealt:

      The answers to your questions are: Playing a role; No.

      Thanks for asking!

      Delete
    6. @Trask

      Well, it is all perspective. Everyone sees themselves as the hero, even villains if done right. Role-playing in a game is perfectly acceptable in my opinion. But people that equate events in a game with tragedies in real life, I say get a shrink.

      @Robert

      LOL

      ---Alistair Drake

      Friendly Neighborhood Scoundrel

      Delete
  8. When are you James 315 going to stop this bull Sh...you did go so good?!? I did support you but now your supporting SCAMMERS like EROTICA 1!!! Or is she he IT one of your alts!!! Your loosing more and more ground! I was going to support you with 100b and more isk but now that your going that way, supporting scammers i don't think so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't fucking have 100b isk, you blithering retard.

      Erotica 1, on the other hand (who is a legitimate business woman, I can confirm this as she has helped me greatly) does, and has already donated. That means you're more of a liar and a cheat than she is, because you don't actually have anywhere near that much isk and she's already donated more than your entire net worth.

      Delete
    2. Seriously, anon, no one "has" 100b ISK except CCP. These are CCP's pixels, not ours.

      EROTICA 1 is an excellent financial PvPer. This player should be proud of what she has accomplished.

      Get a life Anon. And get a grip. This is a game. She is playing it within the EULA, and she is playing it very skillfully.

      Delete
    3. Oh, and if you really have 100b ISK, prove it by temporarily giving it to me.

      I am an Agent of the New Order, and can be trusted to handle this ISK honestly on your behalf.

      James 315 will vouch for my complete honesty as an Agent and Knight of the New order.

      Delete
    4. another carebear feels the winds of the new order

      another carebear unzips his pants and points himself at the inevitable

      another carebear releases a spray of exclamation points, only to feel them blow back and strike him in the eye

      another carebear cries out and flees, never seen again

      Delete
  9. Laughed out loud here. Boy, I can't wait for this one. Galaxy Pig, the most fanatical NO ganker, other than maybe Fawn? That's going to work out well for the dreamy Ms. Synx.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To quote Jack Nicholson from his portrayal of The Joker:

      "Wait 'til they get a load of me..."

      Delete
    2. Heath Ledger's Joker:

      "How about a magic trick? I'm gonna make this Orca disappear..."

      Delete
  10. I was a miner for 3 years, then I went dark side. Now I still build hundreds of catalysts and fittings, and I donate billions of isk.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Light, not dark.

      You are on the side of order and light. Remember that.

      Delete
  11. "You know how it looks like I sign my EVEmails with "315"? I don't, really. It's a minus 315."
    *its the little things that make it all so great!*

    I also love how non-compliant miners act like noone else is capable of mining, refining, processing, or manufacturing. People cry foul on James' past for pyramid schemes but not his present and future philanthropy.
    Self-centered, selfish miners wanting a handout, a babysitter, AND a pacifier, unwilling to have any pride in their work, and ZERO consideration for the other 100,000+ people that play EVE around them.
    What a shame.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a lot of tears.

      Show me on the doll where a miner touched you Rennseslear.

      Delete
    2. i think you should research what "tears" are random anonymous guy.
      thanks though, for your uselessness.
      non-compliant miners are more like bile, where bodily fluids are concerned.
      miners dont touch me, i touch them.

      Delete
    3. Oooh even more tears from Rennseslear. And most delicious they are too. Through the tears I can sense your rage. So adorable!

      So you go around touching miners huh. I'm guessing you have a particular liking for very very young ones.

      Delete
    4. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. copy me harder, bro.

      Delete
    5. No one seems to have taken up a logical standpoint here other than Rennseslear, to be Captain Obvious. But the miners that have appeared here on minerbumping seem to think the way described by Rennseslear, as far as I can tell.

      ---Alistair Drake

      Friendly Neighborhood Scoundrel

      Delete
  12. You really think I'm the most fanatical? Well, that... That just warms my heart. <3

    -Galaxy Pig

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stupidity and fanaticism are often confused.

      Delete
    2. ^ Computer games and reality are often confused.

      Delete
    3. Eve is real

      Delete
  13. Im a 4 month old newbie in this game, and have spent (almost) my whole life in HS. Found this site while reading a thread about bumping in the Eve forums, and I really cannot stop laughing with the content provided. Thank you very much for the convo images guys....XD

    To the miner folks that are commenting, plz try to think of this. Eve online is a game that excels in human interaction and promotes socialization and constant revitalization of play-style through player innovation. You will not find many games (personally Ive being gaming since the 80s) that give you this opportunity, and you will definitely find none that does it at this huge scale.

    The guys and gals role-playing here as an Order of semi-religious swashbucklers of space cruelty are not religious zealots, wannabe bullies or psychopathic hikikomori. They are just dudes like you that have found the niche in this sandbox that better suits their respective entertainment needs. Schadenfreude is a valid, hilarious and important part of EVE, learn to savor it and understand that this is a game, so your rl ethics do not and cannot apply.

    Not only this, by doing what they do they also help with rejuvenating the most stale, unglorified and boring part of this sandbox. Mining. (and I hope in the future someone decides to organize a proper mission busting corp that affects all highsec). They are actually adding content to the game. And for that, I thank them.

    If you do not want to get ganked, train properly for core and shield tanking and fit your ship appropriately. If you do not want to get bumped, try to play the game instead of watching youtube while having the game on the background. If you want to get back at them, hire mercenaries and spies that can hit their corps or subvert their loose logistics chains.

    If you cannot do any of that, at least try to. If you dont want to do any of that, pay them and join the RPing, you may find it fun. Or change your playstyle, do something else. Its not their fault that mining in an untanked and afk barge is dangerous and its not their fault if you dont want to pay extortion money. Thats how the game works.

    If you wont do anything,...rage and provide hilarious blog posts. Or harden the fuck up.

    But remember, its still a game, they are not the bad guys here. Noone is.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Surely mining with an empty orca next to you, relying on the locked up can't enter trick is asking for it? Eve is all about risk versus reward. Making that assessment of risk involved and potential loss against profit is an essential Eve skill. A properly tanked orca with an alt inside would have hugely mitigated the risk in the case resulting in significantly smaller losses.

    I know - common sense has no place in Eve for some players. If only there was an organisation dedicated to demonstrating the value of sense to stupid and greedy players Eve might be a better place for us all.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Clearly a financial head you do not have. Using her method she takes a risk but cuts down the number of accounts she needs by one - the equivalent of about 700m ISK. So provided she doesn't lose her Orca more than once every two months she can count herself better of.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Clearly a financial head you do not have. 96.32% of eve players have a second account already, making your argument a total failure 96.32% of the time. For those other 3.68%, they can start a second account, make the orca alt and one more low-SP alt, and then help pay for the account by training up useful alts in the third slot and selling them yearly.

      and yes, mining with an empty orca next to her, one would expect her to lose her Orca more than once per two months. Also, with the orca occupied, she would potentially be getting mining/fleet boosts of great value to her. Overall, it's hard to imagine you being any more wrong than you already are.

      Delete
    2. Where did you get that 96,32% data? It sounds very unlikely. I seem to remember CCP saying that around 1 player out of 3 had more than one account.

      Delete
    3. If you completely lack a sense of humor, then ignore the numbers and read the comment as "Either she has a second account already, in which case X, or she doesn't, in which case Y".

      Delete
    4. Sense of humor doesn't give you the ability to get a bad joke.

      Delete
    5. "and yes, mining with an empty orca next to her, one would expect her to lose her Orca more than once per two months."

      That is just a ridiculous and un-supported statement. A quick look at Eve-kill shows her last loss in high security space was a Hulk in August 2010. So we know that it has been at least that long for her to have lost an Orca in that way.

      A second account sitting in an Orca would actually not be terifically smart. She would be better running with two Mackinaws. What she gains with her set-up is the cargo carrying capacity of the Orca with the yield of a Hulk. Obviously she takes some additional risk but there is generally no gain without risk. Overall it probably has worked for her, as indeed generally going for yield does pay off. The people that go for high tank gain a generally lower but more stable income and the increased chance of seeing the occasional ganker go "splat" - and that is priceless. :-)




      Delete
    6. "Sense of humor doesn't give you the ability to get a bad joke. "

      Lol, yes it does. Now we know for certain that you have no sense of humor.

      "That is just a ridiculous and un-supported statement."

      I'm not willing to test the theory myself, because mining with an empty Orca next to me is pretty stupid. Are you willing to test it? If no one is willing to test it, then it won't be tested. Calling me out for making an unsupported statement is a bit premature, unless you already have people lined up to test the theory.

      "So we know that it has been at least that long for her to have lost an Orca in that way."

      But we don't know how much of that time she was doing this highly stupid thing. For all we know, this could have been the first day trying it out.

      Delete
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