Friday, November 28, 2014

Smart Bombs, Dumb Miners, Part 1

Just another dead Hulk, killed for failing to obey the Code. The usual, right?

Uh-oh, here we go again...

Our Agents are always at the cutting edge of developments in anti-carebear tactics and technology. When a very compact group of Hulks was spotted, it provided an opportunity for our Agents to test out their smartbombs. It never hurts to add another technique to our arsenal.

As luck would have it, the Hulks contained implant-rich pods. This was unfortunate for the miners, since all the pods popped.

Agents Braggs Seyllin, Held der Finsternis, Ilithyia Borgia, John E Normus, Martyr Oira, and loyalanon performed masterfully. According to the battle report, approximately 11 billion isk was vaporized in this smartbomb attack.

The miners belonged to a single player. Fwydatt Masech initiated a private convo with Agent Ilithyia, demanding an explanation.
Ilithyia Borgia > hello
Fwydatt Masech > I am curious how did you guys figure out you had to use Battleships to kill me
Fwydatt Masech > I have never seen one of you guys near my ships before
Ilithyia Borgia > We are CODE, we know
Fwydatt Masech > so you work for ccp and cheated?
Fwydatt was hostile right from the start. He leveled an outrageous accusation against our Agents: He believed the only reason they knew how much damage to apply to his semi-tanked Hulks was by cheating. Could the destruction of these miners become the next t20 scandal?
Fwydatt Masech > well I have to say I am impressed
Ilithyia Borgia > Well thank you
Fwydatt Masech > I doubt many people pull hard enough to get people to waste megahorons on hulks
Ilithyia Borgia > It was not a waste
Ilithyia Borgia > We do whatever is necessary to ensure compliance with the Code
Fwydatt Masech > code?
Ilithyia explained that the Agents' goal wasn't to spend as little isk as possible, but to enforce the Code. Fwydatt claimed not to know about the Code--despite having spent the last three and a half years of his life mining in highsec.
Ilithyia Borgia >
Ilithyia Borgia > Perhaps you have heard of us?
Fwydatt Masech > no actually could give a crap less about people who make a living and ego trip about this kind of thing I like to mine simple easy ooo wait supplying people like you what a twisted system but you still never answered my question
Fwydatt Masech > how did you find out it required battleships to gank me
Ilithyia Borgia > All non-code compliant miners deserve to have their ships destroyed
Ilithyia Borgia > The means is irrelevant
Fwydatt Masech > I was compliant
Although he'd supposedly never read the Code or heard of the New Order before, Fwydatt was confident that he was in full compliance. Typical miner.
Ilithyia Borgia > Did you have permits for all you miners?
Fwydatt Masech > never will
Ilithyia Borgia > Then you are not code-compliant
Fwydatt Masech > then I will simply quit paying eve ... bummer
Ilithyia Borgia > And your mining fleet was destroyed
Fwydatt Masech > its 150 bucks a month I can go to the movies with
Ilithyia soon realized Fwydatt was the kind of miner who likes to escalate things as quickly as possible. Fwydatt immediately threatened to quit the game. If he's really spending $150 per month to mine in highsec, quitting might not be the worst thing. However, since every EVE player's primary goal these days is to maximize CCP's subscription revenue, we're not supposed to entertain such thoughts.
Fwydatt Masech > I will not be held hostage like this and if you used ccp insider info to do it
Fwydatt Masech > I hope you get your accounts jaked
Ilithyia Borgia > If your EVE experience consisted of mining you are probably better off watching high quality cincema
Fwydatt Masech > in your opinion
Fwydatt Masech > in mine it is a way to destress and relax
Ilithyia Borgia > Have you ever heard of miner-bingo?
Fwydatt Masech > nope I kind of keep to myself
Ilithyia Borgia > Well you are playing now
Fwydatt insisted multiboxing miners in highsec is a great way to relax and relieve stress. This surprised Ilithyia, because Fwydatt didn't seem very relaxed. Personally, I'd say going to the movies is a better way to relax. I've found highsec miners to be in a state of perpetual agitation.
Fwydatt Masech > I offer orca bumps to folks I find in belts often leave bags of ore behind for them and keep destressing and mining
Ilithyia Borgia > So about your permits...
Fwydatt Masech > will never be purchased
Fwydatt Masech > if I spend any money it will be in the billions on bounty for all of you
Ilithyia Borgia > Just think - a 70 mil isk investment could have saved you over 10 bil in ships and implants
Fwydatt Masech > I would spend 10 bill on bounties
Fwydatt Masech > before I spent a dime on being held hostage
In the context of a conflict with the Barbary pirates, Americans had a similar saying: "Millions for defense, but not one cent for tribute." They ended up paying the pirates. Eventually, the miners always pay, too. (We're not pirates, though.)
Fwydatt Masech > ever see that movie Ransom?
Ilithyia Borgia > If we did it once
Ilithyia Borgia > we will do it again
Fwydatt Masech > you will cost eve money
Fwydatt Masech > because if you wish to harrass me out of the game
Fwydatt Masech > so be it but I will not pay you anything now later or ever
Ilithyia Borgia > How have you been harrassed?
Fwydatt Masech > um lets see you just sank my fleet with what you say is insider info
Indeed, Fwydatt's mining fleet "sank"--in all directions, at high speed--and he believed this was harassment. The miner who kept to himself and didn't know about the Code, but he parroted the "Ganking Is Bullying" nonsense instinctively. For some reason, he thought Ilithyia claimed to have insider info. Fwydatt was the source of his own conspiracy theory, and now he imagined he'd gotten it confirmed by the ganker.
Ilithyia Borgia > We own highsec
Ilithyia Borgia > If you want to mine in our space you must comply with our rules
Fwydatt Masech > no you wander highsec
Fwydatt Masech > pissing people off
Fwydatt Masech > feeling better about yourself and the isk you have to do it
From a certain perspective, Fwydatt seemed like a hopeless case. He saw conspiracies everywhere, felt bullied, refused to pay anything for his mining privileges, and threatened to quit the game. Was it impossible to convince Fwydatt to obey the Code? Some would say so. Yet our Agents do the impossible every day. Ilithyia was determined to make this miner see reason. Would she succeed? Or would everyone's accounts get "jaked" for cheating?

To be continued...


  1. "Fwydatt immediately threatened to quit the game. If he's really spending $150 per month to mine in highsec, quitting might not be the worst thing. However, since every EVE player's primary goal these days is to maximize CCP's subscription revenue, we're not supposed to entertain such thoughts."

    Very nice 1984 reference.

    1. So glad I was not the only one to catch that!

      Unhappy you caught it faster then me and responded first *grins*

  2. Great one.

    Fly a bunch of hulks with billions of implants around high-sec with no defense, get destroyed - of course it must be "inside information" that resulted in this failure.

    That's a hell of a Tech 3 Tin Foil Hat Fwydatt Masech has produced there :)

    1. He can't comprehend how else it would be able to masterfully defeat him. Miner ego.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Just more stupid ganking. Two thumbs down. Start changing highsec for the better instead of making it worse.

    1. Highsec became visible better once those Hulks (and pods) were removed from space.

    2. Veers version of making HS better:

      1. ISK tank best tank
      2. 1 concord BS escort per pilot every HS system
      3. New players (<7 years old) are given 25mil SP, 10bil Isk, and a free freighter
      4. Casual players get the new player bonus x2
      5. The market is to work opposite of how it works now.

      Personally i would prefer to replace AUR with Veers tears and call the game balanced.

    3. Veers its just another method, that rl players have adapted to good use. If you don't like how players adapt, then I guess its time you go find a new mmo, that lets you do things in a 100% safe environment Veers.

  5. Well done agents! I think all of high-sec agrees that we need more of this kind of thing. Smart bombs are terribly under utilized. Eagerly awaiting part 2.

  6. Another amazing kill from loyalanon


  7. I have yet to see one outsmart a smartbomb!

  8. I'm so messed up on drugs right now reading this!

  9. Fwydatt reminds me a lot of that guy called Veers. They both think ISK tanking is best tanking and they both really like doing the most boring content in Eve. I also like how they both play the same miner bingo squares. One might even believe Fwydatt is Veer's alts making that mad HS mining isk. I can't find anything different between the two, can you?

    1. Both are just generic dime a dozen cookie cutter carebears who don't even understand what a "Sandbox" is. All Fwydatt needs to do is earn a block from half the game and ramble on about his employment as internet space lawyer and we're in business :P

  10. I like reading your articles. Very funny.

    People need to understand, lost a ship isn't lost the game ^^

  11. Miners - why ya gotta be so rude?

  12. Miners these days ... tsk ...


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