Thursday, November 27, 2014

The Knight Before Christmas

It's easy to celebrate Thanksgiving when you're a member of the New Order. We have so much to be thankful for: Family and friends, fellow Agents, the Code, and, of course, me and everything I've done. It's hard to imagine what highsec would be like today if it weren't for me--it's probably better not to think about it too much.

Having been duly thankful, it's time to officially mark the beginning of the Christmas season. No one celebrates it quite like the New Order. We do something very special around this time of year; we enforce the Code, which is special no matter when you do it.

Recently, Kaely Tanniss was contemplating the nexus between Christmas and the Code. (This is a natural thing to do if you're an Agent of the New Order.) Inspired, Kaely wrote the following poem. Please enjoy.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all throughout EVE,
A miner was harvesting, with a sense of reprieve.
He harvested his minerals and mined without care,
Not knowing CODE. Agents soon would be there.
With a quick glance at local, the system seemed dead,
"But high sec is safe," still stuck in his head.

With he in his Retriever, and CODE. on their way,
He settled into mining and was soon AFK.
Over his speakers arose such a clatter,
He raced back to his screen to see what was the matter.
Back to his keyboard he flew with a flash,
As a bumper sped toward him and hit with a crash.

He knew he was in trouble, with nowhere to go,
As a group of Catalysts approached from below.
He tried to align to make his escape,
But there was no avoiding the impending gang rape.
The Catalysts approached him so stealthy and slick,
He knew that his end soon would come quick.

When out of nowhere old James 315 came,
He whistled and shouted and called Agents by name.
"Now Loyal, now Lament, now DJ and John E,
On Borgia, on Sasha, on Wolf and AC.
Put an end to this violator and answer the call,
Now fire away, fire away, fire away all!"

As dry leaves before the hurricane fly,
Antimatter bursts soon lit up the sky.
Around the miner the CODE. Agents flew,
Unloading their blasters, James 315, too.
It didn't take long for the miner drop,
As he blew with a flash and a whimpering pop.

What's left of his Retriever was nothing but dust,
As he voiced his opinions of hate and disgust.
He responded with obscenities and insults abound,
As they explained in his bio a permit was not found.
He cried out in local with defiance and tears,
As the Agents responded with laughter and cheers.

The poor miner's mood was not at all merry,
After all, he was popped, like a young virgin's cherry.
He cried, he yelled, he responded with threats,
But the Agents just shrugged--there were no regrets.
They offered him a permit but were met with his jeers,
As their offers for a solution only fell on deaf ears.

He refused the CODE. Agents, still stuck in denial,
He made more excuses and threats with such guile.
With the miner still yelling and being so vocal,
Old James said with a smile, "Please stay clean in local."
He explained he could mine, with no sense of dread,
If he'd just get the concept of Code in his head.

The rants went on, condemning CODE.'s work,
He called James a bully, a noob, and a jerk.
Old James cracked a smile, Agents at his side,
"By the rules of the Code you'll learn to abide."

Forsake your botting and aspirant behavior,
And recognize James as your new highsec Saviour.
James said with a grin as they flew out of sight,
"The Code always wins, now have a good night!"


Thank you, Kaely Tanniss, that was lovely. This was based on a true story, by the way.

33 comments:

  1. Awww! Thank you, agent Kaely Tanniss! Hope you are having a wonderful holiday season, and i'll be seeing you in game one way or the other xD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ty DJ..I hope you're having a wonderful holiday season as well :)

      Delete
    2. I am! Lots of family and cooking and just good times <3

      Delete
  2. Gang rape and cherry popping - as classy as New Order itself.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Code ALWAYS Wins!!!! ALWAYS!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Except on Wednesdays

      Delete
    2. BeBopareBop RhubarbPieNovember 28, 2014 at 2:34 PM

      No, no, Its only Wednesdays that fall on February 29th that we don't win on.

      Delete
    3. Damn WED the 29th :P

      Also, September 10th is a bad day for the CODE sometimes too. Rebels, mark your calenders now :P

      Delete
  4. Freaking brilliant! I loved every bit of that post! Soon the ignorant shall learn the true path, already knights are showing up in places like Uedama, Aidart and Diodixie to show miners the true way! All praise James 315!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We shall not rest until all of New Eden is cleansed of the sin of bot-aspirant behavior!

      Delete
    2. And you do that by gang raping everyone

      Delete
    3. Anon @7:55PM

      Shhh, honey - it will be okay. One day you will mature enough to understand parody and adult humor. Have a great weekend, and happy holidays!

      Delete
    4. I'm not your honey. and I know thirteen year old kids who have more mature sense of humor than that. Anyway, you win. I'm tired of trying to bang any sense or decency in your heads, and I'll now take that leave from this blog.

      Should've done it earlier.

      Delete
    5. Goodbye, random Anonymous poster too afraid to post with his main! You will be missed.

      And of course I win. The CODE always wins.

      Delete
  5. was the "gang rape" line actually necessary?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well what else are you gonna rhyme with "escape"???

      We're poets, not miracle workers!

      Give us a fucking break.

      Delete
  6. It was yes....and it did exactly what it was intended to...get your attention :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Vulgar and lame. Grow up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't be a grinch Veers

      Delete
  8. No war!
    No gank!
    No awox!

    can STOP us

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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This guy obviously has a player he has an issue with and is desperately trying to get us to do his work for him! Pathetic

      Delete
    2. Maybe if he desperately copy/pastes the same rant on every single blog post, someone will care. Oh, wait - we don't :P

      Delete
  9. "New" Order appears to be from stone age as it promotes rape culture. As usual, they don't see anything wrong in it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now now, it's only rape-*play*. Miners preemptively consent to take our hot antimatter injections when they undock. But after shooting them regularly for so long, we've gotta spice things up a bit!

      Delete
  10. roflmao

    ------Mike Adoulin

    ReplyDelete

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