Wednesday, May 18, 2016

From the Red Pen List to the Top of the World

Much attention is focused on the New Order's ganking of miners and other carebears. With good reason--elite PvP is something to be celebrated. In contrast to other gankers, who are motivated solely by bloodlust and profit, the job of the New Order's gankers only begins with a gank. We don't leave the carebears bleeding by the side of the road; we stop and help after hitting them.


Cass Malache was a typical bot-aspirant miner. Her Retriever had been discovered mining without a permit, so Agent karma balancer ganked her. Then Cass was pulled into the MinerBumping channel for a candid conversation. Cass requested a more private venue, but in light of the New Order's openness and transparency, such a move was unnecessary.


Agent 412nv Yaken, who had not yet ascended to martyrdom, injected himself into the conversation.


Cass was in a desperate situation. She'd lost her mining barge and had been added to the dreaded Red Pen list. It all happened so fast. 412nv tried to help Cass make sense of the situation.


The miner had fallen victim to poor bathroom etiquette. In highsec, a carebear is supposed to dock up and go to the bathroom before reaching the point where his physical urges tempt him into a state of non-compliance. (In the event of a true emergency, a carebear can request an Agent's permission to go.)


Though Cass had apparently been quite rude at the time, her demeanor was changing. Thanks to the warm, welcoming environment of the MinerBumping channel, no doubt.


There was even the possibility that Cass might join CODE. The New Order is the most inclusive community in EVE. The myth of New Order "bullying" was exploded right in front of the miner's eyes.


So enthusiastic were the Agents that they didn't pick up on a red flag: Cass wasn't sure about the "PvP part of the game". There is no PvP "part" to EVE; EVE is PvP. It stands for "Everyone Versus Everyone".


Regardless of whether Cass would join CODE., she wanted to remove herself from the Red Pen list as soon as possible. She was taught how to transfer her money to an Agent. In their generosity, Agents are always willing to teach players how to perform this crucial task. (That's another thing CCP should add to the tutorial.)


The miner's attitude was much improved, and her chances of actually enjoying EVE had skyrocketed.


Cass was encouraged to speak her truth in her own words. Cass expressed her individuality, which is something a cult wouldn't allow--another carebear myth debunked!


Now Cass had gone from the lowest depths of EVE to the highest of highs. Proudly displaying a mining permit in her bio, Cass could move forward in EVE with a sense of confidence. Though Cass didn't end up joining CODE., she immediately moved to nullsec, as evidenced by her killboard. She spread her wings and flew away from the highsec asteroid belts. To learn how to fly, some birds need to be booted out of the nest by a concerned parent. When a highsec miner needs a similar act of love and attention, our Agents are always standing by.

38 comments:

  1. I like the red pen stuffed in my glowing ass. Then I take pics of myself and post them on the internet. I shit out new medical clones for my agents to use, after I cannibalize the corpses they feed me. Those corpses provide the fuel for my glowing ass so it doesn't become a black hole and suck my agents, the station, and the code in. After all, I crapped the code out of my glowing ass.

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    Replies
    1. Well, Jimmy Boy. The first step on the road to recovery is the hardest one of all: admission. Now that you have admitted your failings as the so called savior of highsec, how do you feel? Relieved?

      BM

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    2. Obvious BM post is obvious.... Try harder next time.

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    3. You know, Saturday's post was a lot better. It made me laugh a bit too. The last few days have been a little lacking in the funny or orginal. There's already lots of people fascinated by the south side of a north bound Code Agent.

      ~~~~~)\~~~\0/~~~~/(~~~~

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    4. Its days like today that i miss eve :(

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    5. Hmm... Seems Jimmy Boy 315 censored my response post. What's the matter, did I hit a nerve or something?

      BM

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    6. Ah, BM, The Saviour of Highsec has such a light hand upon the tiller when it comes to moderation of these comments that I wonder you're not grateful for the license he does give you.

      Still, gratitude is not one of the qualities we associate with carebears, so I'm hardly surprised at your reaction to what is essentially a little bit of housekeeping on his part; a dab at sanitisation, perhaps. Goodness knows, the air was becoming.....fragrant.

      Delete
    7. BM, a certain percentage of comments get blocked automatically by the spam filter, and they don't appear until after I've cleared the filter manually. Although there's no way to guarantee that your posts don't get caught in the spam filter, try to keep them as un-spammy as possible.

      Delete
    8. The saviour has spoken! You want a knife and fork those words you have to eat BM?

      Delete
    9. I see. It wasn't the first time that happened either. Posts disappeared, so I assume that you deleted them. Thank you for clearing that up.

      Now, can I get a comment about your glowing ass? How did that even come about? Did you have your clone genetically modified for that trait or is it some sort of mechanical implant?

      BM.

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    10. Looks like I got it wrong too, BM. I stand corrected!

      Delete
  2. Praise James!

    -Galaxy Pig

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  3. Another superbly written article from the Supreme Protector!

    James 315's generosity knows no bounds, and it's sad to see miners complaining, even when he is allowing them free access to basic sanitation.

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  4. Anti-ganking failing nonstop daily since 2012!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Obvious Wolf post is obvious..... Try harder next time.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous failing one conspiracy at a time

      Delete
    3. Let's see...

      Failed Wolf post is failed.
      Obvious Wolf post is obvious.
      Trolled Wolf post is trolled.
      Repeated Wolf post is repeated.

      Did I miss any?

      BM

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    4. Unfunny BM post is Unfunny

      there you go

      Delete
  5. " She was taught how to transfer her money to an Agent. In their generosity, Agents are always willing to teach players how to perform this crucial task. (That's another thing CCP should add to the tutorial.) "

    Heheheheh.

    Thanks again James!

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  6. lol, so funny watching CHODE. agents trying to avoid the embarrassment of yet another Bonus Room debacle. Yet Jamey's slaves still insist on "pulling" unwitting people into private chats and demand they they read certain passages or make certain proclamation, all under threat of in-game violence or loss of assets.

    As for EVE standing for "Everyone versus Everyone" does that mean that CHODE. agents can gank other CHODE. agents with impunity? And that Jamey is effectively playing all of them, laughing his way to the ISK bank.

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    1. @627
      Thinly veiled tears of an idiot. Try harder chodeanon. Maybe get an education soon.

      Delete
    2. "lol, so funny watching CHODE. agents trying to avoid the embarrassment of yet another Bonus Room debacle. Yet Jamey's slaves still insist on "pulling" unwitting people into private chats and demand they they read certain passages or make certain proclamation, all under threat of in-game violence or loss of assets.

      As for EVE standing for "Everyone versus Everyone" does that mean that CHODE. agents can gank other CHODE. agents with impunity? And that Jamey is effectively playing all of them, laughing his way to the ISK bank."

      Is it physically painful to be that stupid, chodeanon?

      Delete
    3. As someone who's read one or two of James' works out loud, and recorded them for public consumption, I can attest to countless beneficial effects upon both reader and listener.

      Likewise, I can vouch for the complete absence of any sense of torture in finding myself thus occupied. It is pleasure, unalloyed and unsullied.

      Rob/Sasha

      Delete
  7. CCP really does need to implement a CODE-centric tutorial. I bet it would cut their petition workload in half.

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    Replies
    1. And when the newbros see how much fun they could actually be having, they would probably not go straight to afk carebearing in hisec!

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  8. "God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." - Hebrews 6:10 NIV

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  9. why didn't antiganking stop the gank?

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    Replies
    1. Consider that AG cannot kill all gankers simultaneously. Since many gankers will not have undocked from their station, AG will usually have only a few gankers whom AG could choose to stop. So how should AG prioritize those few? Again, the targeting doctrine provides the answer. Those who consistently undock will be at increased risk of being shot. Moreover, to ensure the AG community lives up to our expectations, those who already have docked may forfeit their place of safety if they choose to undock.

      Delete
    2. You could at least have credited the Genius who came up with the idea, but since it may not be obvious to everyone, I'm pleased to help:

      With gratitude to James 315, whose sacred prose I lifted from The New Halaima Code of Conduct, and adapted, rendering it wholly void of the poetry, meaning and startling innovation of the original.

      Praise James!

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    3. It is the Minerbumping.com website, I felt safe to assume that folks already could detect the parody of the Code as I wrote it. Much like most gentlebeings knew that Space Balls was a parody of Star Wars without having to actually say it.

      Though one might wonder why you felt the need to point it out, are not the words so etched into every agents' heart that they would pick them out even with a few words changed, or is it that the awfulness of dealing with miners day after day has wrecked your sense of humor Rob?

      Anyways, Praise James and try to have fun out there, maybe take 2 shots of vodka and take a break or something. You seem wound pretty tight, friend.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous commenter; strange though it may seem, there exist capsuleers who are not familiar with the text of The Code. I merely wished to point out the origin of your parody, in the hope that they would be thus encouraged to seek out its inspiration.

      Fwiw, I don't drink alcohol; one of the benefits of which abstention is that I can never be described as 'tight'.

      No matter; as you quite rightly say, 'Praise James!', and pass the blackcurrant cordial. Though if that ejaculation had been appended to your earlier submission, the needs of clarity might have been properly served.

      At ease, Private!

      Delete
  10. But where was AG to stop these ganks? >.>

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  11. This is something for the grandchildren!!

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  12. But where oh where has Ming gone?

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  13. Trump always wins.

    ReplyDelete

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