Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Why You Are Dead, Part 1

Twentieth-century philosopher Ferris Bueller once observed, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." Highsec carebears are too busy grinding isk and going AFK to truly experience EVE.

Once in awhile, however, our Agents force carebears to stop and look around. That's what happened to Micheal Cardineal, whose weirdness-tanked Tayra was blapped by one of Agent Semtex Attor's famous Vexors.
Micheal Cardineal > are you fucking kiddint me
Semtex Attor > Miner, calm down
Micheal Cardineal > who ever the fuck just ganked me get a god damned life
Micheal Cardineal > im not a miner
Semtex Attor > profanity is not needed in here
Thus, Micheal embarked on a great journey. He wanted answers and wasn't afraid to go looking for them. Given Micheal's toxic attitude, though, Agent Semtex gracefully guided the carebear out of Bei local and into a more calming environment.
Re: Notice of Service
From: Micheal Cardineal
Sent: 2016.09.19 19:40
To: Semtex Attor,

Wait what the fuck??

You took my stuff becuase I passed through your space without a permit???
Actually, Micheal was quite a lucky fellow. His quest for truth would proceed along two different tracks simultaneously, both provided by the New Order. First, Micheal received informative EVEmails from Semtex. At the same time, he was invited to join the in-game "Why am I dead?" channel, where he would be assisted by other helpful Agents.
EVE System > Channel MOTD: Persons found in breach of the Law of Highsec will henceforth have their equipment decomissioned. This communications frequency should be utilized to discuss said punitive actions and to determine a preventative plan of action to ensure future compliance.
Micheal Cardineal > Okay so I just got attacked in Bei and had my shit jacked
Micheal Cardineal > anyone mind telling me why??
Micheal Cardineal > Cause I don't get what the fuck just happened
Galaxy Duck > o/
Galaxy Duck > I can help
As is always the case, an Agent was standing by.
Re: Notice of Service
From: Micheal Cardineal
Sent: 2016.09.19 19:44
To: Semtex Attor,

I don't even know who the hell that is and when i did this.

you have no right to take my shit unless you can prove i did this.

and no, i dont want to buy a damned permit.

if it helps, i literally was on my way to dodixie to meet up with a contact of mine for potential work, not sticking around Bei
As it turned out, Semtex had caught the carebear in a foul mood. Whatever was the cause of Micheal's testiness, he took it out on Semtex.
Galaxy Duck > can you link your loss?
Micheal Cardineal > Kill: Micheal Cardineal (Tayra)
Galaxy Duck > hmm
Micheal Cardineal > I got a message saying i passed through James 315's space
Micheal Cardineal > ive never heard of this jackass
Galaxy Duck > hey hey hey
Galaxy Duck > we do not speak of the Savior of Highsec like that
Micheal Cardineal > im sorry but im pissed and this is the third time this week ive been ganked, twice in highsec
Meanwhile, Micheal apologized to Agent Galaxy Duck for using inappropriate language. At least he understood he couldn't go around antagonizing every Agent he met.
Re: Notice of Service
From: Micheal Cardineal
Sent: 2016.09.19 19:47
To: Semtex Attor,

illegal????? really???? since when? and that equipment is my personal equipment that i purchased in HIGHSEC
The carebear only pretended to be calm in the "Why am I dead?" channel; he vented his anger in EVEmails to Semtex. Micheal revealed a sense of entitlement--and selfishness, frankly.
Galaxy Duck > I see
Micheal Cardineal > all of my gear was for a ship i haven't been able to move yet
Galaxy Duck > ah hmm
Micheal Cardineal > all of i i bought for myself for when i first started out.
Galaxy Duck > I think I've figured out the root of your troubles
Galaxy Duck examined the carebear much the same way a doctor would his patient. Then came the diagnosis.
Galaxy Duck > You have no permit
Galaxy Duck > You need a permit to fly through James 315's territory.
Micheal Cardineal > ...
Galaxy Duck > The New Order controls Highsec (James 315 space)
Micheal Cardineal > seriously
Micheal Cardineal > are
Micheal Cardineal > are ya kidding
Upon hearing the diagnosis, Micheal proceeded into the first of the stages of grief: Denial.
Re: Notice of Service
From: Micheal Cardineal
Sent: 2016.09.19 19:51
To: Semtex Attor,

i never heard of needed a damned permit to fly through high sec space

this is complete bullshit
If Micheal wanted a second opinion, he certainly got it. Semtex reached the same conclusion Galaxy Duck had. Micheal needed a New Order mining permit. Micheal wasn't any happier to hear the news from Semtex. Getting a third opinion would've been unnecessary, since it likely would have yielded the same result.
Galaxy Duck > It's as simple as that, friend
Micheal Cardineal > high sec is supposed to be a safe haven
Galaxy Duck > says who?
Galaxy Duck > no seriously, who told you that?
Micheal Cardineal > says the damned game, hence why concord deleted the guy who attacked me
Galaxy Duck > says the game?
Galaxy Duck > where?
Our Agent's suspicions were confirmed when Micheal revealed that he had non-compliant ideas about the game.
Micheal Cardineal > if i was supposed to have a damned permit, why didnt i hear about this sooner?
Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri > Because you preferred not to listen?
Galaxy Duck > You really should have heard about it, everyone knows us
Galaxy Duck > we're totally space-famous and awesome
Agent Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri noticed the activity in the channel and occasionally interjected some sage remarks when appropriate.
Micheal Cardineal > yeah, well sorry pall, i just came from Arlek and havent heard of you
Micheal Cardineal > sooooo
Galaxy Duck > well, now ya know
Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri > Now you have - congratulations!
Galaxy Duck > \o/
Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri > Wooooo!
Micheal Cardineal > ....
Micheal was receiving wisdom from two different directions: His EVEmail exchange with Semtex and the superb customer service provided by the "Why am I dead?" channel. The race was on. Which Agent would sell a mining permit first?

To be continued...


  1. Why new pilots don't have a mission to purchase a permit as one of the beginner missions has always been a mystery to me. Come on ccp, give the people what they want!

    1. Or at the very least, they have to find a document in space with this on it: https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&t=491023&find=unread (its not letting me link this for some reason, but it's the eve-o link to the 8 rules of Eve per CCP)

  2. You see? We provide a total package of care for the enquiring carebear.

    Overview of the Service (The Code)? Check. Mail feedback? Check. Live one-on-one chat with an Agent? Check.

    When it comes to customer service, we can't be beaten.

    Come to think of it, when it comes to anything at all we can't be beaten.

  3. "Agent Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri noticed the activity in the channel and occasionally interjected some sage remarks when appropriate.

    Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri > Wooooo!"

    This is why I buy shares. o7

  4. antiganking letting the player base down one killmail at a time

    1. Except when Zopiclone or that other guy robbed the Code. Bahahahahahaha Praise Zopiclone!

    2. Nah Zopiclone is still ganking people.

  5. So Mike's a bit of a tard, carebearing in hisec, willfully ignorant of current events in EvE.

    Some people don't deserve EvE, Gankeralts are here to remind them of it.

    Ship up and fight, or gtfo! You won't be missed.


    1. Gankeralts sounds like fun... I should get me one of those!

  6. I just raised a ton of isk to buy starter catalyst selling authentic "Zopiclone's Catalyst" with my cats for alpha clones fundraiser

    1. Wouldn't it be super funny if Zopiclone was still ganking and collecting tears? Oh wait...

  7. Dante Fasttackle, United Ganker College FundSeptember 20, 2016 at 11:18 PM

    I love you all of you. And I mean that with only the slightest degree of homo.

    1. You should join 'Pandemic Horde anti ganking' militia.

      PHag has a place for you!

  8. But where oh where is Ming?


Note: If you are unable to post a comment, try enabling the "allow third-party cookies" option on your browser.