Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Crowned by the Respect of Highsec

"Aaaarrgg!" bellows the miner. "Aaaarrgg!" screams the autopiloter. Is it a guttural expression of rage, or is it something... more?

Agent Aaaarrgg is one of highsec's finest. Like so many of our Agents, he has gracefully made the transition from normal player to EVE celebrity. He takes joy in elite PvP of all kinds, but specializes in destroying unlicensed autopiloters' pods.

No one seriously doubts Aaaarrgg's elite status and the elite nature of his PvP. To do so would be to ignore the very laws of mathematics and logic upon which an advanced society is built.

As Aaaarrgg was surveying the highsec he helped to create, he browsed some of his old EVEmails.

Many of our Agents receive correspondence from their sparring partners. Often, EVE players enjoy PvP'ing with our Agents so much that they yearn for a rematch.

Then there are those who simply wish that "someone else" would defeat Aaaarrgg.

For whatever reason, not everyone appreciates the skill of the pod-killers. They instead admire those who F1 a broadcasted target along with 500 of their closest friends, or people who assign drones, or provide links, or whatever else nullsec cooks up. We in highsec know better. Well, most of us. Atonepoint had a good attitude about his pod loss, but also displayed a troubling ignorance of EVE game mechanics.

New Order Agents build bridges and tear down cultural barriers. Our Agents receive feedback from EVE players all around the world.

...Mostly Russians.

Sexual contact with Agents' family members is a common theme among those who write post-battle EVEmails to our Agents. Most likely this is a reflection of the age-old practice of ambitious men and women marrying into power. However, the New Order rejects the dynastic conventions of the past. Ours is a purely merit-based system. We promote the elite PvP'ers.

The transformative nature of our mission inspires hope, but also dread. Instinctively, the bot-aspirant carebear fears falling behind in a changing world. If he refuses to embrace the Code, he should be afraid. But the wise highsec PvE'er looks at someone like Agent Aaaarrgg and says to himself, "That's who I want to be. That's who I want to raise my children to be."

Carebear, is your pod safe today?


  1. Hats off to Aaaarrgg; Pod-Slayer Extraordinaire!

  2. These tears are making me thirsty!

  3. Russians are awesome. Pimply Commander for CSM!

  4. Russians ARE the powerful friends in Nullsec.

  5. Fucked by Derision of Highsec:

    Aaaarrgg sucks on fanny peacocks.

    Aaaarrgg broke his nose by walking into a wall with an erection.

    Aaaarrgg is so cheap that he took Loyalanon to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick everyone's fingers.

    Aaaarrgg has so many chins that he needs a bookmark to find his collar.

    Aaaarrgg's ship is so small that when you step into the cockpit, you get blown out the exhaust.

    Aaaarrgg is so stupid, he tried to breed M&Ms.


    1. Whenever I get a package of plain M&M's, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I make them have M&M duels.

      Taking two candies between my forefinger and thumb, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the 'loser' and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner get to go to the next round.

      I have found that, in general, brown and red M&Ms are tougher, while the blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense ring of competition and cracks under the pressure of being in the modern candy and snack food world.

      Occasionally I will come across a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, pointier or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this seems to be a weakness but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the candy continues to adapt in it's environment.

      When I finish the package, I am left with one M&M. The strongest of the herd. Since it wouldn't make any sense to eat this one as well, I package it up with a letter that says "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes" and send it back to
      M&M Mars, A division of Mars INC in Hackettstown, NJ

      They wrote back this week thanking me and give me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of M&MS.

      This weekend there will be a tournament of epic proportions.

      There can be only one.

    2. My life is now complete after reading this.

    3. That was a fascinating story of one man's quest to perfect the M&M. Time well spent reading it.

    4. @Anon 9:48 PM

      I don't know who you are, but that was hilarious.


  6. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5lYXaVkA0U

    ♥ Aaaaaaaaaarrgg

  7. Thank you so much for everything you do.


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