Sunday, April 10, 2016

Kills of the Week

"I was there." EVE's selling point is unique, player-driven content. The Battle of BR-5 will only happen once--and the same is true of all the smaller battles. Highsec carebears, sadly, lack this kind of unique content. Every day, they run the same missions, kill the same rats, mine the same asteroids. They have no memorable experiences in the game at all. At least, they didn't until the Code came into being. When carebears are ganked, they finally get a PvP experience that allows them to say, "I was there."

Or maybe, "I should've been there. I was AFK."

Let's look at some battles that took place during the week of April 3rd @ 00:00 EVEtime through April 9th @ 23:59 EVEtime.



Eratiander's capacitor tanked, anti-tanked, mining Apocalypse looks like it belongs in a Hieronymus Bosch hellscape. It took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in highsec instead. Agents Pod-Goo Repairman, Pod-Goo RepoWoman, and Aaaarrgg sent it back to whatever nightmare it came from.



Narthex Chastot's Iteron Mark V hardly had any hitpoints left after he hollowed out its hull for more cargo space. To be on the safe side, he equipped a cloak. This would've kept the ship safe, had Narthex chosen to cloak up for the day instead of AFK autopiloting through a trade route. Agent Eva Mavas gracefully blapped the hauler with a Moa.



When Damian Gund purchased a Catalyst, he was almost ready to become a Code enforcer. Highsec would've rejoiced! But Damian chose a very different path. Agent Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri was mortified when he saw the destroyer being so misused. Long story short, the Catalyst was blown up and generated a 2.3 billion isk killmail. So, dear reader, was it filled with PLEX or skill injectors? Take your pick.


Just keeping you on your toes.



Beloved Satour was a member of an NPC corp sitting in a rookie ship in a 1.0 security system. Was this, at long last, an example of a new player being picked on by CODE.? Guess again. Agent Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri was responsible for this gank, and he loves new players.


The doe-eyed "newbie" was actually hauling a five-pack of PLEX. The bad news for Beloved Satour is that the PLEX were incinerated. The good news is, if he quits the game, he won't need them.



CCP Fozzie did everything he could to make sure that freighter pilots have enough hitpoints to travel safely through highsec. AppleJack Isu looked him in the eye and said, "Good sir, you cannot patch my stupid." To be honest, I don't know for certain whether that conversation really took place. Doesn't it ring true, though? Agents Perlo Tissant, Sasha Cohenberg, SynthiaGreey, Ganku Desu, dAbOsSlAdY77, Jack Fizzleblade, Fritz Fizzleblade, Hold my pleb, Antiganks Won'tsaveyo, Anthologee, and Assassn Gallic didn't need to worry about the freighter's extra EHP, as the carebear was thoughtless enough to fritter it away on cargo expanders.



Beo Isagar had what she believed to be a very clever plan: Mine illegally in the Metropolis region. Everything appeared to be going to plan, so Beo declared victory and went AFK. But Agent Jack Van Impe was on the case--and he was wise to the shenanigans going on in Metropolis.


That's almost as bad as a pod can get. Jack Van Impe reports:
The depravity in the region was worse than I feared! Twenty minutes after I arrived I had found an AFK, permitless miner flaunting a Michi's Excavation Augmentor, an Inherent Implants 'Highwall' Mining MX-1005, and a Harvest implant set! Needless to say, I will keep up patrols in the area to make sure this is not common practice for the barbarous locals of this backward region.

Yours in the Code,

Jack

14 comments:

  1. That Apoc.... I think I threw up a little in my mouth. Yup... that's vomit. What was he thinking? So much stupid out there. It's actually depressing.

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  2. The first two paragraphs serve as a reminder of why I visit this site daily. Truly awesome writing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You must have low standards...

      Delete
    2. Yet you visit every day as well, anonbear.

      Delete
  3. CCP Fozzie did everything he could to make sure that freighter pilots have enough hitpoints to travel safely through highsec. AppleJack Isu looked him in the eye and said, "Good sir, you cannot patch my stupid."

    LOOOL

    Classic kills. Classic Highsec.

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  4. Where is "Fit your Cat" anon when you need him? Someone needs to send that bear a link to the proper fit for a Catalyst

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    Replies
    1. I only really do that for Ming but he's been unusually quiet this last week. Still just for you Fit your cat

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  5. ANOTHER week of failure, defeat and rage from antiganking

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  6. It makes be happy/sad to see all the kills,
    1.I know we're to mine with having problems with code:3
    2.and the more I'm glad I float in my destroyer happily taking pot shots at CODE like pilots
    (°O°)

    ReplyDelete
  7. It makes be happy/sad to see all the kills,
    1.I know we're to mine with having problems with code:3
    2.and the more I'm glad I float in my destroyer happily taking pot shots at CODE like pilots
    (°O°)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I never knew there were such implants. Add those to a max trained fleet booster with rorqual and orca boosters and that's some mining ship fleet.

    Just why would you invest so much to mine in high sec though??

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  9. That Apoc...why?!? Was he gone from the game for 5 years, and didn't realize barges have ore holds now?

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  10. Came to read kills of the week...

    Left having learnt all about Hieronymus Bosch. This is why I love minerbumping! :-)

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  11. Glorious! Simply glorious all the ships that have popped this week. No, silly code bears, I'm talking about all the goon ships that have died this week as mittenless scrambles to try and save some space! I'm proud to say I have been funding the real honorable pilots who have gotten together to wipe one of the two cancers in the game out. Of course code is the second cancer, in case you could not figure it out for yourselves (unlikely when you consider the average IQ of a code bear).

    Who would dare such an act?
    Why none other then -=M=-
    Besides pouring billions into training miners on how to avoid and thwart the lowest players in game (that's you code), I have now started to funnel hundreds of billions at a time to the good, noble, and honorable forces wiping goons of the map.

    -=M=-

    P.s. I have been informed that due to his loosing so much space, mittenless has gone back to his old job. He can be found at his local McDonalds at his usual place, working the friers. Do stop by and encourage him by buying some fries, he works so hard.

    ReplyDelete

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