Sunday, June 23, 2019

Kills of the Week

"I would never buy a permit," says the rebellious young carebear. "They cost 10 million isk and the New Order will gank you anyway." Even if this weren't an outrageous lie, how can carebears explain their purchase of decadent bling? A set of Harvester Mining Drones costs billions of isk, and if you use them, the New Order will gank you anyway. Shouldn't the carebears avoid buying blingy stuff--by their own logic?

Ah, but no one ever accused the carebears of being logical. Let's look at some of these irrational bot-aspirants from the week of June 16th @ 00:00 EVEtime through June 22nd @ 23:59 EVEtime...

Trylan Altol didn't notice that things have changed in Jita. Though there are plenty of bad actors in that most populous of highsec systems, it has also become a place where unlicensed jump freighters go to die. As the firepower of our Agents has grown, Jita has more and more come to resemble the likes of Uedama and Niarja.

Agents Jason Kusion, Hypnos Domino, Austrene Jakuard, George Painter, big brutor two, filippok Oriki, Origo Lim, big brutor one, Bob Mechanic, Inspector Implant, Charlie Painter, Continue Painting, Dan Painter, Nova Rage Torpedo, Dubious Anime Name, big brutor six, Bob Electrician, Further Painting, Danni Jouhinen, Mjolnir Rage Torpedo, Djavue, Bob Welder, igorrrr Koraka, Jayson Kusion, Joel Kusion, Liam Campbell, Jake Kusion, Ayatola Whoami, Jayden Kusion, Bob Painter, Sertan Chakaid, Justin Kusion, Succulent Spodumain, Homoerotic Finger Painting, and FidgetSpinning MyApendages dumped dozens of Taloses on the Ark--and made a huge profit.

Now, see, those ships might have survived the trip to Jita--if they had pilots, that is.

People like Pocheck Rosliwill go to nullsec for their PvE primarily because they enjoy supercarriers. But it's important that the nullsec carebears don't forget their roots. Luckily, elite PvP'ers from the mighty CODE. alliance pay friendly visits to carebears in places even as far away as Fountain. Agents Vordak Kallager, Rocklar MuckTon, Intigo, Xiaoyi Tsuruomo, TigR Kashada, Casper24, Tiamat Key, Blaran Falsnar, Ygritte Alabel, and Ithor Omanid made an unannounced pop-in and popped the Nyx.

As long as miners still use ORE strip miners and blingy yield mods, our Agents will be there to shoot them down. Kaks Kaks involuntarily provided Agents Rungerd, Narl' Amhar, Votre Dieu, and Astrid Tyrfing with a 2 billion isk killmail and a billion isk worth of loot.

Unlike Kaks Kaks, jockstar wasn't foolish enough to use ORE strip miners or blingy yield mods. Yet he still managed to lose a Skiff worth 2.5 billion isk. Agents Elena Sabezan, Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri, Misha Mawashi, Eduard Limonov, Maximus Gooseman, Edmund Sublett, Hold On Tight, and Illegal Facilitator also got to take home 1,831,315,315 isk in souvenirs. What happened?

Harvester Mining Drones. They'll cause you nothing but pain every time, carebears!

Geant Vert was lazily AFK'ing along when his autopilot was interrupted by a noisy trio of Tornadoes piloted by Agents Ukira Kunero, Ariku Orenuk, and Rante Charante. Our Agents somehow managed to penetrate Geant's capacitor tank.

Remember what I said about Harvesters? The same goes for Excavators.

Lou Venger knew better than to use blingy modules or blingy drones. Yet this carebear had a vice of her own: Implants. Agent Lisa Tears was perfectly willing to destroy Lou's drones, even though she knew that pods drop no loot. The satisfaction of enforcing the Code is more valuable than isk, anyway.

Here's today's lesson: Don't buy blingy implants, drones, or modules. They cost more than 10 million isk, and the New Order will gank you anyway!


  1. High-grade Crystals.. Nice. Let me just "pilot" my passive-tanked Mackinaw with a missing mid-slot. That should work.
    Permit? What's that?

    Oh. Shit.


    2. You got it (the second one). Almost all of my alts are anagrams. Nitetime Video started out as an awox alt. Invite Me To Die (as in: "Invite me to your corp, and you will die :))
      One of my favorite alt names was Icy Hotbox Williwau. Let me know if you figure that one out :)

    3. Wow.. I just found this old tear-filled soundcloud. This is why I play EVE.

    4. Wow, Taxi Buoy Chilli!
      Wax Buoy Illicit Who?
      A Bitch Willow Xi You!
      Bait Chow Will Xi You!
      Uh Toxic Bay I Willow?

      I failed, but had fun.

    5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    6. Wow! I am both humbled and amazed! Not only did the Savior of Hisec himself respond to my comment, but he correctly guessed the Anagram.

      Praise James 315!

  2. Whoa! You got the Savior to comment! I never thought that could happen! And right after my comment!

    I'm definitely telling this story to my grandchildren once I'm an old gezzer. And they'll feel deep pride to have such a granpa!

  3. 1,831,315,315 ISK? Even RNGesus is with the New Order!

    Praise James!


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