Monday, October 28, 2013

Mining While Intoxicated

Whenever I see a miner with a microwarpdrive fitted to his ship, I have to ask myself: What is he running from?

Montreux Omega found himself bumped and ganked for his crimes against highsec. The loss of his Retriever was quickly followed by the loss of his 334 million isk pod.

Agents Agent 057 and xxBLACK SKULLxx 929 are accustomed to dealing with grouchy miners, but this time they lucked out. Montreux was a member of a corporation called "Calm Is King". This miner, at least, wouldn't lack self-control. Right?
Agent 057 > We are here to help you.
Montreux Omega > i flew a skiff for the longest time
Montreux Omega > BORING
Dal4 > Protection money to thugs is BS.
Agent 057 > I don't want you to lose another 400 mill . . . just buy a permit from me for ten mill.
Montreux Omega > fuck permits, i got this game by the balls
Agent 057 > What about the 300 mill plus pod?
Montreux Omega > the pod sucks, but fuck you
Montreux had no excuse for flying a poorly-tanked ship. He was "bored" of Skiffs, with their extra EHP and such.
Agent 057 > Again . . . a simple permit would have avoided this issue.
Montreux Omega > keep tabs on me, ill b out here tommorow
Montreux Omega > gank me again you low life
Agent 057 > Okay . . . I hope you have implants again.
Montreux Omega > you succubus
Montreux Omega > i risk while all the other high sec faggots calculate
It's not every day a miner calls one of our Agents a "succubus". But Montreux's creativity didn't end there: He claimed that as a rebellious highsec miner, he was the risk-taker, because the rest of highsec calculates the economic sense of owning a permit.
Agent 057 > I stand ready to accept your 10 million isk payment for a proper mining permit.
Montreux Omega > fuck eve
Montreux Omega > im the reall miner
Montreux Omega > i risk
Montreux Omega > i am OMEGA
Montreux Omega > i am the rest of what you dont know
Montreux Omega > i am the life you cannot believe
Agent 057 > Do you have ten million isk?
At this point, our heroes began to suspect that Montreux's unusual thought-patterns might have been sparked by a mind-expanding substance.
Montreux Omega > FUCK EVERYONE
Montreux Omega > BECAUSE RISK IS FUN
Montreux Omega > TILL DEATH
Montreux Omega > AND USHER IN A NEW AGE
Montreux Omega > OF MINER FREEDOM
Montreux Omega > GANK ME AGAIN
Montreux Omega > GANK ME TOMORROW
Agent 057 > Are you drinking Vodka tonight?
Montreux Omega > takila
Montreux Omega > however you spell it...
Finally, he confessed that his anti-Order activities were fueled not by rage, but by tequila. This might be considered a good sign, in a way. Tomorrow he would be sober (hopefully). By contrast, the rebels who are intoxicated by anger remain angry.
Helpme2000 Phai7 > i wana know how you can even be that drunk and still mine
Montreux Omega > one day
Montreux Omega > when i am sober
Montreux Omega > and i have my EWAR frig sittting 200k from your ass
Montreux Omega > i will FUCKKKKKKKK your gajnik ship
Montreux Omega > & miners EVERYWHERE will sleep in peace
Nevertheless, Montreux vowed revenge. It would be revenge at a distance--a considerable distance, for a frigate.
xxBLACK SKULLxx 929 > i'll sell you another exumer if you like
Montreux Omega > nah, f exhumers, i ran those long ago. the 5% is not worth is anymore
xxBLACK SKULLxx 929 > i'm sure we have a few rettys around that we took from other miners you can buy
Montreux Omega > nah
Montreux Omega > im good
Montreux Omega > wont have that until the morning
Montreux Omega > anyways
Montreux Omega > im rambling
Montreux Omega > that's why local
Montreux Omega > if un
Montreux Omega > fun*
Montreux Omega > EVE IS FUN
Our Agents have learned not to expect carebears to carry out their threats of revenge. In this instance, they were particularly doubtful: Would Montreux even remember this incident by the time he woke up?
xxBLACK SKULLxx 929 > yes it is
Montreux Omega > guess i deserve it. been playing xbox live poker while i mine
Montreux Omega > but hell, what's more fun when you're drunk?
Montreux Omega > betting money you dont have
Montreux Omega > bought time i spent some money
Montreux Omega > alright, enough rambling
Montreux Omega > fly to dodix
The miner's "Calm Is King" training reasserted itself, and he cooled off a bit. He admitted that he was in the wrong--something most miners can't do even when sober. Our Agents looked forward to the day he could take that first 10 million isk step toward recovery.


  1. I am hoping for a sequel. He needs an Intervention from his peers who care about his well being, who better than Agents of the New Order. Lets help him sober up and fly right.

  2. I have seen Mining Barges and skiffs with MWDs do over 250m/s and avoid the best attempts of bumping stabbers as they orbit icicles. The positive radial velocity also decreases slightly damage from gankers - to a degree which could be definitive in a fight.

  3. I suggest he consider finding an honest isk doubler to recoup his losses. Unlike his poker hobby, he has a 100% chance of winning my game if he just follows the rules. With any luck, he may also win a bonus round to greatly multiply his net worth and have the time of his living doing it.

    1. *time of his life* wow it's late I sound like a miner.

    2. So it can be spread through the internets. If you spend too much time around miners they'll infect you!!

      Gah, to the communal showers!! (Because they're really clean and hygienic)

    3. I thought the only winner on your game erotica 1 is you lol

    4. Has anyone ever actually won the bonus round?

    5. Yes and I'm not about to spread the secret how.


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