Saturday, May 16, 2020

They Know They Need Help

EVE Online is notorious for its "learning cliff", but the good news is that it's easy to know when you've made a mistake. Because you'll get an EVEmail like this one:

When miners die in highsec, they get a lot of love--in the form of information. The best miners take that information--that dose of the Code--and they process it, accept it, and act accordingly.

...Goofuses do the other thing.

Caricel Biedeb was a bot-aspirant miner. When he lost his 35 million isk Retriever, he went off the rails. He rejected all of the benefits of civilization, which shows you how crazy he got.

The miner couldn't be reasoned with. I suspect that even if he had been calm, he still would've had difficulty processing the Code.

Nevertheless, the angriest of miners always circle back to the truth...

...They need help. And only the Agents of the New Order can help them.

Recognizing that the average highsec miner suffers from poor reading comprehension, some Agents send post-gank EVEmails with a little extra color. ZealotRecon lost a 285 million isk Mackinaw but received a thoughtfully formatted explanation in his inbox. Let's see how he responded:

Unfortunately, ZealotRecon was a space lawyer.

The miner's Goofus status was confirmed when he got triggered by my name. The name of the Saviour of Highsec is a powerful thing; in this case, it caused ZealotRecon to admit to having a bunch of obsolete, theme parkist attitudes.

The miner claimed to be a PvP'er who merely mined in highsec part time. Kind of like how a dolphin just spends some of its day in the water to relax.

ZealotRecon's warped perception of EVE led him to his pitiable state. But, as always...

...The miner knew he needed help. For a life of bot-aspirancy is no life at all.


  1. "For a life of bot-aspirancy is no life at all." All those miners are just a bunch of no-lifers.

  2. Oh no, what will the Jita market do without this miner's minerals?

  3. So he applies for a permit 21 minutes after saying all those miner things about The Savior and The New Order.
    I wonder how long that permit will stay valid.

    1. It was invalid the moment he purchased it, knowing he was only buying a permit in a sad attempt to hide his illegal mining activities.

      When will miners realize that they cannot hide their criminal acts behind a permit?

  4. Whoa, we are free to post again! I wonder if that signifies some major change in Agent Anvil's status! We are all cheering for you!


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