Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Rumble in Vattuolen, Part 4

Previously, on MinerBumping... As I peacefully instructed caveywavey on the consequences of illegal mining, the Vattuolen system residents began to voice their dissent.


Out of nowhere, my Invincible Stabber's propulsion cut out.


I was under attack! Kaldar Andedare, who had been following me around and giving me the "carebear stare" in his Caracal, fired upon me, the rightful ruler of highsec. Treason!


This was no ordinary ganking Caracal. It was equipped with tech II heavy assault missiles, a weapon designed to be a high-DPS option for missile users. Even more diabolical, it was firing Mjolnir missiles, deliberately exploiting the EM resistance hole in my shields, which peeled away at an alarming rate.


The missiles kept coming, with no Concord in sight. Was this the end of the Invincible Stabber, the flagship of the New Order?


No, not really. Concord arrived and the Caracal popped.


But then, just as the dust was settling, more assassins dropped into view. Kaldar's EM missiles had only been the first wave, weakening my shields in preparation for the real attack. It was a trap!


I immediately recognized the rebels. A few months earlier, they had organized a terrorist attack against me involving three Catalysts and a Brutix. The attack failed because the Brutix pilot, along with the mouthy Catalyst pilot Billy Love, had lost their nerve at the last moment and didn't pull the trigger.


Last time, they had been scolded for their lack of resolve. They were determined not to repeat the mistake.


But the Invincible Stabber is nothing to be trifled with. wekko2's Catalyst was the first to go down.


Eager to get myself in a good position to loot their inevitable wrecks, I swooped around toward my enemies. Jennifer en Marland, the Brutix pilot, was penalized with a good bump for her troubles.


As I rifled through the wrecks and examined the rebels' involuntary donations to the New Order, I received more combat notifications. Frozen Corpse James315 showed up in his Griffin and pelted me with a few rockets, hoping to get his name on the killmail that his fellow rebels had promised.


Billy Love, tardy as always, was the last to open fire. By the time he activated the weapons on his Catalyst, the battle was long over, and my shields were regenerating faster than he could drop them.


I surveyed the rebel graveyard, a monument to the senseless violence they had committed against me. In plotting their elaborate attack, they had carefully calculated all of the EHP and DPS statistics. But they had neglected the most important factor of all: They were fueled by hatred and ignorance. The New Order is powered by love. They were destined to lose.


The Battle of Vattuolen was won. It was a devastating defeat for rebel forces. They lost over 100 million isk of ships and equipment. I gathered 26 million isk worth of the infernal devices and vowed to put them to good use. Among the confiscated weapons were no less than six webifiers. You can web an Agent of the New Order, but you can never slow down our cause. For it is just.


Always a good sport, I applauded the doomed criminals for at least not abandoning their fellow gankers mid-battle this time. The locals were disappointed to hear of the morale-shattering outcome. Disappointment is the only fruit that the poisonous anti-Order rebellion is capable of bringing forth. Trusting in the Invincible Stabber is by far the better option!

Monday, July 8, 2013

The Rumble in Vattuolen, Part 3

Previously, on MinerBumping... caveywavey flew into a rage when his Hulk was relocated during a routine bumping operation. As tensions rose, threats of violence were murmured in the belts.


One way of defusing a potentially volatile situation is to calmly explain what you're doing while you're doing it.


It was very important to help the illegal miner understand that he was being punished for his crimes, and that I was not taking action out of any ill will directed toward him personally.


Meanwhile, strightnightmare Ornulf threatened to send his entire corporation against me for interfering with his Retriever.


I did my due diligence on strightnightmare's corp. They posed no threat.


After informing strightnightmare that his corp was in a uniquely bad position to fight me, he immediately surrendered.


Suddenly caveywavey experienced a revelation: This was extortion!


During periods of upheaval, there are often conflicting geopolitical claims to a territory. I contended that the system belonged to the New Order, while caveywavey insisted that highsec belongs to no one. The trouble is, "no one" is not a very organized or passionate interest group. The New Order has the edge.


As is my custom, I defended myself against all the aspersions being cast against my character. Having successfully defended my honour, I resumed my important work.


caveywavey had devilishly crept back to the ore. But after he activated his mining lasers, I pounced. Another victory for the New Order!


caveywavey worked the "extortion" square in Miner Bingo like it was going out of style. For some reason, he kept capitalizing it. Did he have a unique take on the subject?


...No, he just preferred to capitalize his favorite words.


Fortunately, things began to quiet down in Vattuolen. Yet it was an eerie calm.


Out of nowhere, a Caracal that had been yellowboxing me opened fire. Murder! Betrayal! Was this the end of the New Order, or would my Invincible Stabber demonstrate its Invincibility once more?

Next: The most shocking MinerBumping episode yet!

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Kills of the Week

We all had a blast celebrating the New Order's birthday last month, but now it's time to get back into the swing of things. We all have normal lives, after all. Let's take a closer look at some interesting kills made by the New Order during the week of June 30th @ 00:00 EVEtime through July 6th @ 23:59 EVEtime.


What's this? No, you're not seeing double. Illegal miner Worm H0 learned that when it comes to rebelling against the Code, persistence doesn't pay off--it just gets you killed twice. Agent Ophidia Black paid a follow-up visit to Worm an hour and a half after the first Hulk kill. Worm hadn't learned her lesson yet, so she got a refresher course in Code compliance.



There's a myth floating around out there that I'm against people reading while they mine. This is incorrect. I'm all in favor of miners who read--they need to read local. If they read the wrong things, they'll end up like wakko Dallocort. This bookish miner was caught mining in a Retriever with more than eighty skillbooks in the cargo. He probably thought he was in a single-player game and could spend all his days reading. Anyone remember that Twilight Zone episode "Time Enough at Last"? This story ended pretty much the same way. Agent Spine Ripper killed the miner and closed the library for good. If only wakko had read the Code!



Expensive things can come in small packages. Ivon Dragomiloff, a suspected bot-aspirant, was AFK in a shuttle. Agent D400 caught him loitering near a stargate. D400 didn't need to notify him before he opened fire, because all highsec residents are deemed to have been made aware of the New Order and its Code. Inexplicably, Ivon didn't take any action to get into compliance, despite being legally deemed to be on notice. His shuttle was popped, and his pod--worth more than 2 billion isk--exploded.



Agents of the New Order have traveled far and wide across our mighty empire. Even the Ammatar Mandate has been touched by the Order. SaberSeven became infuriated when he saw Agent Kalorned enforcing the Code by bumping some miners. SaberSeven brought his Pilgrim to attack, but he was swiftly destroyed by Kalorned and Agent CONCORD Police Captain. Kalorned provided the chat log:

SaberSeven > that is some pretty good bumping but yo realize somone will eventually show up and gank you right?
Kalorned > SaberSeven That's not possible
Kalorned > The stabber is invincible
SaberSeven > oh fuck it
SaberSeven > ill get concorded just to shoot him
Rebecca Ambrye > scann him first
SaberSeven > just gotta time it right
Kalorned > Sure thing buddy
Kalorned > time it
SaberSeven > i am suspect you could shoot me
Kalorned > Friend, violence is not hte answer
Kalorned > Think this trhough
Kalorned > And we can all go home and see our families
SaberSeven > eh my family sucks
SaberSeven > good-die
Kalorned > Oh dear

SaberSeven > ah bastards
SaberSeven > they ecm bow
SaberSeven > now**
Kalorned > Another criminal brought to justice

Of all the suicide gank ships that have been used in vain, SaberSeven's tech II fitted Pilgrim has got to be one of the finest. SaberSeven was astonished by its failure. His parting remark referring to Concord, "they ECM now", is a bit like exclaiming "guns fire bullets now?" Let this serve as a lesson to all. Concord uses ECM, guns fire bullets, and Agents of the New Order always, always win.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Babby's First Bump


Another blissful day of keeping the peace in highsec. Miners, if you want to relax, give miner bumping a try.


Suddenly, out of nowhere, an illegal Retriever appeared in my ice anomaly. I could tell he was up to no good. Luckily, I knew just how to handle him.


Nkomo James was baffled by what was happening. He lost control of his ship and began drifting away from the ice--the very same ice that he had planned to steal.


Nkomo had never experienced the awesome power of the bump. Gradually, it dawned on him that I had complete control over his ability to mine. They never explained that in the tutorial!


For some reason, Nkomo had little respect for people who play video games. He reminded me of the people who mine in highsec but don't consider themselves highsec miners.


This whole "I paid CCP my subscription fee, therefore I shouldn't have to buy a mining permit" meme is getting out of control. Try taking that attitude to Jita. I wonder how many will give you free ships and modules on the basis of your already having "paid to play"?


After exchanging inconclusive "dude, _______"'s, Nkomo and I came to a deadlock. Concerned onlookers urged him to outflank me by opening up another front through the filing of a frivolous petition. In a last-ditch effort, Nkomo opened up a private convo with me:


But Nkomo wasn't really that interested in hearing what I had to say. Once I began to explain myself, he hastily exited the convo.


As Nkomo's Retriever disappeared into the distance, he finally realized he was beaten. He retreated to the nearest station and docked up for the day.


The miserable mass of rebel miners docked up and huddled together. Old Salty was bitter about being forced to "play someone else's game". Although I do require miners to follow my rules, let's not forget that there's a whole world outside of highsec. Those who wish to "play their own game" are free to mine in lowsec, nullsec, or wormsec. And if they get fired upon, let them give their attackers that line about paying CCP for mining rights.

One Hundred Six Billion in Shares Sold

I have some news that's sure to make you smile: We have sold over 106,000 shares! Vengeance Six earns a Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™ for getting us over the line for 106 billion isk. Now if anyone asks you what you're grinning about, you'll know what to tell them!

Friday, July 5, 2013

Why Carebears Choose to Play EVE


Illegal miner Antart Liberatori chose not to fit any tank on his Retriever. Instead, he went for maximum yield, stole into a 0.5 sec New Order system, and carried away as much ore as he could get his mitts on. That is, until Agent Ophidia Black showed up and put him out of business. His Retriever and Capsule went pop. Antart confessed his crimes, threw a "GF" in local, paid for his permit, followed the Code, and went on to live happily ever after, right?


...Not this time. Antart raged against Ophidia and the Saviour of Highsec. He excused his AFK mining by saying that he was a new player (despite being nearly a month old). In the same sentence, he admitted his guilt by saying that he couldn't reply in local because he was reading the EVE Wiki to learn more about the game. Well, Agent Ophidia certainly taught him about the game--no Wiki needed. Finally, Antart claimed he had no more money for another ship. Ophidia responded, helpfully explaining the need to watch local at all times.


Antart dug himself into a deeper hole. He thought it was far wiser to continue mining while reading the EVE Wiki (or whatever else he was actually doing). The problem is, you can't mine if someone ganks your ship.


Still harping on the Wiki as if it's a "get out of Code compliance free" card, Antart descended into a series of miner clichés. Pro tip for new Agents: If a carebear starts talking about his superior patience, don't buy it. Patient people don't rage at Agents for doing their job.


Antart claimed that he had all the time in the world. He wasn't in a hurry at all. He would be having "fun" in no time. But Ophidia cleverly pointed out that mining in highsec isn't fun.


Antart responded with more contradictions. While he refused to outright confess that he wasn't having any fun mining, he admitted that he wanted to get money so he wouldn't need to mine anymore. Protip for new Agents: If a carebear expresses his desire to repent and leave his mining lifestyle behind, don't believe him. Everyone in EVE can run Level 1 missions or do isk-begging in Jita. Antart touched on another pet peeve of mine--the idea that people pay CCP so they can "do whatever they want". Balderdash. It costs isk to fly a Retriever, so that isn't covered in the subscription fee. And it costs 10 million per year to mine in highsec. Subscription fees are only the beginning.


Now Antart was getting to the heart of things. He explained that one of the reasons he chose to play EVE is that he can "play the game" while watching his kids. In other words, carebears play what ought to be a cutthroat MMORPG because they heard they could "play" the game AFK. They come here to be away from here. Would it be impolite to suggest that if carebears want to be AFK so much, they shouldn't download EVE in the first place?


Antart's confession continued. Gone was any pretense of a patient carebear who had all the time in the world. In fact, he had so little time available that he needed to multitask. Who mines AFK at 1:30am to "relax"? You know what's relaxing? Sleep! The one consolation is that he has two small children. Though raised by carebear(s), such children often rebel against their parents by becoming gankers and bumpers.


Antart let off one last burst of steam and camped on the "relaxation" square on Miner Bingo a bit more. I reject the argument that New Order Agents keep people from relaxing. We keep them from breaking the law. There are plenty of relaxing activities in EVE that are legal. For example, you could bump some miners. In any case, I had no way to verify that Antart actually had a "hard day of work". Given the inherent laziness of AFK mining, he was probably goofing off and wasting his employer's time.


Although Antart previously claimed that he lacked the money for a new ship, he lost another ship the very next day. It seems Ophidia successfully encouraged him to mine in lowsec, where he was killed by a random ganker (unrelated to Ledrian Saisima, as far as I could tell). He then returned to highsec, where he was ganked again a few days later. I feel bad for the guy. Maybe things would have turned out differently, had the official EVE Wiki included a section about paying one's mining fees.

The Artwork Continues

Varvara M is a very prolific painter these days. Just think about all of the previously-undiscovered talent that has been tapped by the New Order! While you're reflecting on that, here's some more Varvara masterpieces:


The New Order has reimbursed more Catalysts than you can shake a Light Ion Blaster II at. Code violators be warned--and the rest of us, rejoice!


It's difficult to imagine a more dignified way to spam Jita than with fine recruitment posters such as this one.


Finally, this piece really captures the democratic nature of my election to the position of Saviour of Highsec. This is pretty much how highsec looked when I first showed up in Halaima. Good times!

Permanent links to all supporter artwork may be found on the Links page.