The Quest for Freedom

People say that EVE is a sandbox. We've all heard it before. But if you've been playing EVE for six years and all you know how to do is AFK mine in highsec, then you're in the wrong sandbox.

Vidra Norsholk was passing some time in the Aydoteaux system, mining while AFK. Or, as she might put it, "questing for freedom and battling for the rights of miners everywhere".

Suddenly, Vidra's quest hit a snag. She lost a fail-fit Mackinaw and a 70 million isk pod.

Vidra was invited to the "Why Was I Ganked?" channel, where her battle for miner rights truly began. You know a miner is angry when she sputters even in writing.

Despite Vidra's rage, she was already thinking about how to make more money. Laying the groundwork for her future reimbursement claim, the miner inflated the value of her loss to 500 million.

How does someone play EVE for six years and not hear about the Code? Regardless, our Agents put an end to that unlucky streak.

News of Vidra's defiance spread. Additional Agents were called in to help put out the inferno. Things could get bad in highsec if other carebears started thinking about "miner rights".

Vidra's philosophy was poorly thought out, just like those of the rebel leaders who came before her.

Once she realized that she wasn't likely to get reimbursed, Vidra began to downplay her loss. She cut her estimate of the isk value in half.

Our Agents confirmed that Vidra was a Goofus. Like all Goofuses, she had an instinctive dislike for me; even hearing the J-word was enough to set her off.

Strangely, Vidra seemed to think that she was standing up and defending herself.

At the same time, our Agents were hard at work elsewhere in highsec. caprices was caught AFK in a Hulk and lost his 460 million isk pod. He had been playing EVE for eight years, so he had even more experience than Vidra.

As Vidra vowed her revenge, caprices was invited to join the channel. Maybe he would be Vidra's first recruit into her anti-Code movement.

For whatever reason, the two miners didn't connect. Sometimes being in the presence of a fellow gank victim can make a miner shy. The two parted ways, still in search of "freedom". But as the Code tells us, there is no freedom without rules--and the Code rules all. Always!

Enhanced Bathroom Protocol Now in Effect Across Highsec

You know, civilization doesn't happen by accident. People of strength and vision make it happen. In highsec, these people are known as the Agents of the New Order, and they enforce the Code. Unfortunately, some people don't like civilization very much; they prefer barbarism and bot-aspirancy. They speak ill of those who would rescue them and protect their world. We see this in highsec every day. Despite the Goofuses and their nonsense, our Agents continue to work for a better future, because highsec is worth fighting for.

An example: All the way back in 2016, the New Order Bathroom Protocol Supplemental gave highsec miners the following commands:

1. Miners must thoroughly wash both of their hands with soap and water immediately after using the bathroom (and before returning to their keyboard).

2. When an Agent asks a miner whether he washed his hands, the miner must answer the question truthfully.

3. When an Agent asks a miner whether he washed his hands, the miner isn't allowed to act all offended.

If the miners were reasonable, they would have said, "These are good laws. We will obey them." If they were really reasonable, they would've said, "Of course! We do these things already, and we will continue to do them."

Alas, highsec miners are not known for being reasonable. They were outraged by the New Order Bathroom Protocol Supplemental. They accused us of being griefers and bullies and bigots. They said we were harassing and torturing them.

And they didn't wash their hands.

Today the whole world is aghast at these miners and what they have done. Rightfully so! But no matter how deep the depths to which these miners sink, our Agents are ready to fight them--and win. As ever, it is the Code that gives them what they need to do the job. To that end, in my authority as Supreme Protector, Father of the New Order, and Saviour of Highsec (you know it's serious when I break out all three titles), I issue the following emergency declaration:

ENHANCED BATHROOM PROTOCOL
1. All highsec carebears must thoroughly wash both of their hands with soap and water immediately after using the bathroom (and before returning to their keyboard). In addition, they must do so at other times throughout the day and night as is reasonable to promote safety and good hygiene.

2. From time to time, an Agent of the New Order may ask a carebear to provide a status report. In response, the carebear will promptly and truthfully report the following information:

(a) The last time that the carebear thoroughly washed both of his hands with soap and water (if he can remember);

(b) Whether he has, to the best of his knowledge, been in compliance with the Enhanced Bathroom Protocol at all times during the past 14 days; and

(c) Any information which would tend to indicate that any of his fellow carebears have violated the Enhanced Bathroom Protocol.

3. When the carebear provides the status report, his demeanor must be such that our Agent is persuaded that the carebear is being truthful and that he is happy to comply. The carebear must also provide any additional information requested by the Agent to assist the Agent in evaluating the accuracy of the report.

4. An Agent's request for a status report may be addressed to an individual carebear. Alternatively, an Agent may make the request to a system at large by making an announcement in local chat, at which point all carebears in system will respond with a status report. If a carebear is jumping through a stargate or otherwise exiting the system at the time an Agent's request is made, the carebear will immediately return to the system and make his report.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. For what duration must a carebear wash his hands in order to be in compliance? Must he wash them for 20 consecutive seconds, per CDC recommendations?

As stated above, the carebear must wash them "thoroughly". If that takes 20 seconds, then it's 20 seconds. If it takes 20 minutes, then it's 20 minutes.

Q. Define "carebear"? Who decides who's a carebear?

For the purposes of the Enhanced Bathroom Protocol, a "carebear" is one who meets the definition of carebear as that term is generally used in MinerBumping posts. Our Agents are empowered to make that determination.

Q. Are your Agents also required to obey these rules about washing their hands?

Our Agents aren't the problem.

Q. An Agent informed me that my vessel was terminated pursuant to the Enhanced Bathroom Protocol, but nobody ever warned me about these new rules in advance. Do I qualify for reimbursement?

No. Make sure to read MinerBumping each day before logging in. This is a developing situation.

The Best Revenge, Part 51

Previously, on MinerBumping... aiva naali aka FighterJets GuitarSolo 1000Years cast his gaze beyond the borders of nullsec: All of EVE could be conquered through aiva's financial wizardry.

After much persuading, aiva was able to talk his colleagues into participating in his scheme to manipulate the PLEX market. First, aiva would acquire PLEX in the Jita neighborhood. Then members of his council would then do stuff with it, though the details weren't totally clear.

aiva instructed Agent Aiko Danuja to sell PLEX in Delve, the Goons' home region. For now, aiva did not have access to Goon space. Remember the security checks? Still ongoing.

aiva was hard at work perfecting the Five Crowns system of preventing civil war. All the bugs needed to be worked out before the Imperium finished taking over nullsec.

Luckily, aiva's colleagues had become experts in the Five Crowns. If there were any flaws in the system, they'd be sure to find them.

aiva's lofty visions did not exempt him from the mundane hassles of highsec life, though. He was still waiting on the return of his Covetor. Without it, he had no way to mine ore.

Although there was a lot of red tape involved in getting a Covetor, aiva had plenty to keep himself busy in the meantime.

aiva wasn't content to mine in highsec. He was always brainstorming ways of somehow getting into Goon space and taking advantage of what nullsec had to offer.

Of course, in order to mine in nullsec and achieve dominion over EVE's economy, aiva would first need a Covetor. (Hint, hint.)

aiva's council had different priorities, though. The Mission Ready Mining RELOADED corporation wasn't living up to its potential.

While the council urged aiva to expand his recruitment efforts, aiva felt it was better to mine and recruit at the same time.

So far, aiva had utterly failed as a CEO. He had yet to recruit even a single member to his corp. Which was weird, since aiva was so good at everything else.

Something was amiss. But what could it be?

To be continued...

The Best Revenge, Part 50

Previously, on MinerBumping... aiva naali aka FighterJets GuitarSolo 1000Years devised the Five Crowns as a means of preventing the Imperium from dissolving into civil war after it finished conquering nullsec. But aiva also faced a more immediate problem: Money.

aiva met with his council to pitch some ideas on how the PLEX market might be manipulated whenever CCP put PLEX on sale. aiva was enthusiastic as usual, but his council had some concerns.

At his core, aiva was a risk-taker--a gambler, even. That was, after all, how he'd gotten to where he was in EVE. aiva's colleagues were far more cautious.

Although aiva was confident that he'd considered every angle of the plan, there was still the chance that some unknown variable might bring everything to ruin. In that event, aiva would be broke. And that would be bad for the Imperium.

The council urged aiva to slow things down. But when aiva was passionate about something, he became an unstoppable juggernaut.

The more time aiva spent examining his financial scheme, the more it mesmerized him. It was so elegant, so genius... It couldn't fail. At the end of it, aiva would become more powerful than The Mittani himself.

aiva was eager to get started on his journey. Soon he would become EVE's most famous financier. But was aiva flying too close to the sun?

All along, aiva had hoped to assist the Imperium in conquering all of nullsec. But perhaps he had been too narrow in his vision. With the money to be had from manipulating the PLEX market, aiva could personally take over the entirety of EVE, not just nullsec. Finally, he would be able to exact vengeance upon Pandemic Horde and spawnscum, the guy who had killed his Orca all the way back in Part 1.

aiva began to consider what to do after taking over EVE's economy. Some might accuse aiva of putting the cart before the horse. But not really, since there was basically no way that his plan wouldn't work. The galaxy was as good as his already.

The council was impressed.

There was a problem, though. aiva allowed himself to get so wrapped up in his new economic plan that he'd completely forgotten about a project that he'd already started:

As FighterJets GuitarSolo 1000Years, aiva had formed Mission Ready Mining RELOADED. His council had encouraged him to create the corp and build it into something great. With all of the time he'd spent on the Five Crowns and the PLEX scheme, aiva was starting to neglect his corporation.

The council urged aiva not to give up on it.

To be continued...

Kills of the Week

It has been another very bad week for the bot-aspirants; their refusal to obey the Code cost them hundreds of billions of isk. The carebears may view the loss of their isk as a tragedy. But if they fail to learn to comply with the Code, much worse things await them in the future. For now, let us reflect upon their losses from the week of March 15th @ 00:00 EVEtime through March 21st @ 23:59 EVEtime...

KILLMAIL

Titanus Dwarvum had no excuse for going to Jita in a jump freighter with ORE cargo expanders. Surely he didn't forget that Jita's jump freighters have been getting slaughtered by the Tax Collector family? Perhaps he did forget, though--he couldn't even remember to remain at his keyboard. Agents Tax Collector Richard, Pod Destroyer Molly, Tax Collector HongMei, Tax Collector Aruka, Tax Collector BokChoy, Tax Collector KarlMarx, Tax Collector Kittens, Tax Collector Stroheim, Taxman Daniel, Australian Excellence, Tax Collector Hill, Tax Collector Larry, Tax Collector Yuna, Tax Collector Alison, Tax Collector AynRand, Tax Collector Kimi, Tax Collector Shardani, Tax Collector Fuemi, Tax Collector Max, Tax Collector Buck, Dr Hattrick, and Mining Lord 1999 brought in a fleet of Taloses to remind him.

KILLMAIL

Ah, the humble Bowhead. CSTS1 knew he needed to tank up as much as possible before entering the Uedama system. Yet for all his hitpoints, he couldn't bring himself to supply his ship with the one thing it really needed (aside from a permit, of course): an attentive pilot! He went AFK instead. Agents Jeffery Kusion, Justin Kusion, Joel Kusion, Jake Kusion, Jack Kusion, Jayden Kusion, Jayson Kusion, Jason Kusion, Jacob Kusion, Jeremy Kusion, Jeremiah Kusion, Josh Kusion, Jonas Kusion, Johnathan Kusion, Joshua Kusion, Joseph Kusion, Jessie Kusion, Jimmy Kusion, Jackson Kusion, Tax Collector Coronalmao, Australian Excellence, Tax Collector NeverLoses, Tax Collector NeverLoses, Tax Collector IsNumber1, Tax Collector ImMegaRich, Tax Collector hahaYourebad, Tax Collector GetWrecked, Tax Collector Herbert, Darth VaIdemar, Tax Collector DadPlsNo, Tax Collector YoureTrash, Tax Collector GoPlayWoWkid, Tax Collector Kelly, Sasha Shi, and Ding Dong MingMong combined the might of the Kusions and the Tax Collectors. So much for all those hitpoints.

KILLMAIL

Freighters are big, lumbering targets. Daysi LI opted for speed and stealth, preferring a blockade runner for his hauling jobs. It's possible that Daysi successfully smuggled his goods through lowsec. What we know for certain is that he relaxed when he came to highsec. He allowed Agents Lovin Jr and FleetJump Jump to blap him--despite being under an active wardec.

I wonder how long it took him to collect all that stuff?

KILLMAIL

Shara Kantome's Loki was the very picture of failure. Hers was a ship simply waiting for an excuse to die. Agents Luna Nightblood, Underpaid Ship Mechanic, and Ralliana provided the excuse and happily scooped a billion isk in the process.

KILLMAIL

Many freighters and jump freighters died in highsec this week. And our Agents didn't forget about their pods. Just ask Reortsed. After he lost his 10 billion isk Bowhead, Reortsed's pod was smartbombed by Agent Josiah Kusion. The Kusions are very thorough, you know.

Reortsed had 4.6 billion isk worth of implants, despite using his character to move stuff around while AFK. No more!


Normally we save the pod for last, but not this time. No, this week's a little different. For there was another jump freighter kill that was especially notable.

KILLMAIL

Argo Otsolen shamed himself by bringing a 64 billion isk jump freighter into Jita. With ORE cargo expanders. While AFK. With the Tax Collectors in system.

Without a mining permit.

Agents Tax Collector KarlMarx, Tax Collector BokChoy, Pod Destroyer Molly, Tax Collector Richard, Tax Collector Kittens, Tax Collector HongMei, Tax Collector Aruka, Tax Collector Max, Taxman Daniel, Tax Collector AynRand, Tax Collector Yuna, Tax Collector Larry, Tax Collector Stroheim, Tax Collector Kimi, Tax Collector Hill, Tax Collector Rachel, Tax Collector Fuemi, Tax Collector Shardani, Tax Collector Otto, Tax Collector Alison, Australian Excellence, Tax Collector Buck, Dr Hattrick, and Mining Lord 1999 dropped nearly two dozen Taloses on this target, each piloted by a ganker empowered by the Code and wearing a pair of sunglasses.

Argo's ship dropped 21 billion isk worth of loot intact; another 43 billion isk was destroyed. The carebear's collection of blingy Harvester drones did not survive. Carebears, never forget what happened to Argo Otsolen--it could happen to you.

What Part of Code Don't You Understand?

A good gank serves as a test of one's character.

Glade Risalo lost his unlicensed Covetor when it was ganked by a pair of Catalysts. Glade's alt, an Orca pilot named Darcassan, searched for someone to blame. Then he spotted a nearby Venture that was obviously acting as a scout for the gankers.

Darcassan raged against Gavin9012. The miner was right about one thing: Gavin9012 had indeed been the gankers' warp-in.

On the other hand, Darcassan was wrong to believe that he didn't need a permit. And he was certainly wrong about our Agents' ability to command the people of highsec.

With nearly 10 years in EVE, Darcassan didn't even bother pretending to be a "newbro" or a "new returning player". But without these trusty clichés at his disposal, all he had left was profanity.

The miner's salt was plentiful. Gavin9012 wasn't interested in harvesting tears, though. He wanted to help Darcassan obey the Code and become a better player/person.

Nevertheless, 10 years of bot-aspirancy cannot be undone overnight. Darcassan's journey would be slow. And painful.

Our Agent could tell that the miner was irrational.

With a tactful mention of the Saviour of Highsec, Gavin9012 confirmed his suspicions: Darcassan was a Goofus.

Though Darcassan was out of control with anger, Agent Gavin9012 felt there was still some benefit in telling the miner the truth. After all, Darcassan would probably need to be told about the Code many, many times before he finally embraced it or quit the game.

As Darcassan went silent, our Agent scouted around for more targets. After briefly popping in next door, Gavin9012 returned to the system just in time to see Darcassan's Covetor alt make permabannable statements in local chat. But the miner still had one more foolish mistake to make that day:

Darcassan swapped into a destroyer and made a failed attempt to gank Gavin9012's Venture. For the next 30 days, Darcassan's Orca would be forced to operate under the risk of a kill right--or not at all. Perhaps he'll spend the month learning about the Code?