The Robotnik-Aspirant, Part 6

Previously, on MinerBumping... As the rebel miners of Kino raged against the New Order, Dr Robotnik-x began a crusade to convince everyone that all New Order Agents are actually my alts.

In a cringe-inducing breach of protocol, Robotnik invited me to a duel without first going through the proper channels.

Robotnik had a lot to learn, and most of it was in the Code. Everyone knows that one must past the Test of Wisdom, Test of Valour, or Test of Fortitude before they earn the right to duel me.

Not only did Robotnik refuse to accept the authority of the Code, he questioned its objectivity. He felt it would be unfair for a duel participant to set the rules. Paradoxically, he tried to set the rules himself.

As Robotnik viewed the contents of MinerBumping, and as he calculated the number of alts I must have, it boggled his mind. If all Agents are my alts, then I must have hundreds of accounts.

My support among the highsec community is wide and deep. Random local Hett agreed, and I was instantly at a 100% approval rating.

Robotnik retreated further from reality, finding comfort within his denialism. Fellow rebel William Ijonen joined him.

As time went on, Robotnik's anger grew. His hatred of me and my army of "alts" made him nostalgic for Hitler, who had no alts.

Incredibly, William questioned my honour. This was disappointing, because I have been very explicit in telling people that I have lots of honour.

Talking to William was like talking to a brick wall. Even so, he seemed surprisingly willing to speak with someone whom he believed was besieging Kino with an army of alts.

As more supporters of the New Order spoke up, Robotnik went dizzy with paranoia. I tried to help him, but he was drowning in denialism.

I am an optimist. Always have been. It's my firm belief that every man, woman, and child in highsec can be rescued by the New Order and its Code. The toughest nuts to crack are the nuts who refuse to acknowledge the existence of the Order. As the years go by, more and more Agents flock to the banner of the New Order and declare themselves Agents. Denialists will have a choice: Accept the truth, or embrace the mad vision of an EVE filled with nothing but alts.

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #43

I have my own goons? I love EVE. Welcome to the forty-third edition of the Highsec Miner Grab Bag!

liberty sent an ominous message to Agent Bing Bangboom. News about me on Reddit? Let's check it out:

The EVE subreddit was electrified by a report that CCP plans to fire me out of a cannon IRL. But as you can plainly see, I survived the week unscathed and distinctly uncannoned. It was just an idle rumor. In any event, CCP lacked the gunpowder for such a feat; they exhausted their supply by repeatedly shooting themselves in the foot all last month.

Most people understood it was just a joke, but some carebears believed the human cannon rumor. A quick look at liberty's bio and it all makes sense.

A random rebel sent me an EVEmail warning me that she would not go down as easily as all the other miners in highsec. But if anyone ganks her mining ship, she'll no doubt complain about being "unarmed".

After the past few weeks, I'm sure CCP is nostalgic for the days of The Mittani on the CSM. Could a James 315 / The Mittani Co-Chairmanship be the only way to restore the EVE community's confidence?

Agent Runeme Shilter reports that he received 24 copies of this exact same EVEmail from his Russian admirer. Now that's bot-aspirancy: Even the miner's tears were mass-produced!

People don't play EVE in your toilet, so don't go to the bathroom while in our asteroid belts.

This EVEmail was sent to me by the "sean" referred to in the recent MinerBumping post about TDD Dominaters. His message is a real head-scratcher. It appears as though he admits to account sharing, and then immeditely quotes the EULA provision against account sharing. Weird!

Here's a good illustration of why miners shouldn't ask me rhetorical questions. No, Vanguarder, I don't remember you.

Two different visions of highsec mining permits: In one vision, it's just two loads of ice. In the other vision, it's World War II. It's a good thing the anti-Order rebels weren't responsible for fighting the real World War II; Germany and Japan would be linking up in Antarctica by the time anyone fired a shot.

Miner Warpcat tugged at the New Order's heartstrings, declaring himself without a future, condemned to disappointment and fear. But the story had a happy ending. Warpcat sent me 10 million isk and got into compliance with the Code. Now his future is bright indeed!

One Hundred Thirty Billion in Shares Sold

What's finer than crossing a billion mark? Crossing a ten billion mark, of course. Today, Bob StarSeeker earns a Quadruple Supreme Protector's Tip of the Hat™ for sending us over the 127, 128, 129, and 130 billion isk marks for shares sold. Bob's smart purchase of 3,150 shares means that in total, over 130,000 shares of New Order stock have been sold. All that money goes directly into the wallets of Catalyst pilots who tirelessly shoot the people who need to be shot in highsec.

If 130,000 shares sold doesn't tell you something about the highsec community, you haven't been paying attention. If I had a bunch of rare Scorpions to spawn and hand out, I would give them to every single shareholder we've got. But I don't, so you'll just have to accept my sincerest words of thanks. Thank you for caring, shareholders. You're fine folks.

Resistance Is Closed, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... The latest in a long line of resistance movements, THE GIMA CONSORTIUM declared themselves the galaxy's only hope against the New Order.

Agent Neobdragon reported the existence of a new rebel alliance. I assumed he was referring to GIMA, but no, it was yet another rebel-aspirant group: Warlords of the Heavens.

Neobdragon > Greetings!
Leutra > Hello
Neobdragon > I would like to learn about your corporation!
Leutra > Alright... Small, rag-tag, pissed off at this whole new order crap. ready to stand up for ourselves and others. We are small - 6 members - but actively growing. We are, not soon to be a member of the USATO aliance which is also working to put up a
Leutra > stand against the new order. That is our recruting effort so far.

Since no one else had an interest in joining them, the corp's CEO had plenty of time to answer questions from Neobdragon.

Neobdragon > Oh cool.
Neobdragon > How do you intend to stand up against them?
Leutra > I have a couple of key positions I am trying to fill: Warlords of the Heavens Seeks Members We are starting with our home system and the plan is, for now, to just work out from there.
Neobdragon > But then what makes this different from any other mining corporation?
Leutra > We have a few aces up our sleeves - the USATO aliance among others - I am also putting a strong emphasis on intelligence gathering in our efforts towards bringing bringing down the new order.

Leutra had hopes of joining the USATO alliance, a group best known for being chased around by solitary New Order Agent Bing Bangboom.

Neobdragon > Oh?
Neobdragon > What kind of intelligence gathering would bring down the New Order?
Neobdragon > I've heard of something similar but as you can see, they still stand.
Leutra > It is no doubt a difficult task, but we have the skills and expertise in the areas required for that. The start will be difficult but like dominos the hope is things will eventually start toppling

Neobdragon pressed for more information on the corp's ambition to gain valuable intelligence about the New Order. So far, rebel organizations have been very lacking in the intelligence department.

Then Leutra finally bothered to look at Neobdragon's bio. After carefully studying it, Leutra came to a stunning realization: Perhaps Neobdragon wasn't a highsec miner, after all. He accused Neobdragon of being in league with the New Order!

Neobdragon > Just curious as to what measures of protection there are out there. So far none have appeared effective.
Leutra > You may want to mention that to Bing Bangboom who shat himself yesterday as we cased him out of Kobam.
Leutra > Well, you, like your New Order shit - bore me... I really must be going... I must clean my ships windscreen after Bing shat himself yesterday. Hey, maybe I could use some of those permits you guys keep hauking to clean up his little mess.

Leutra made a few parting shots against USATO's hated nemesis, Bing Bangboom.

But what of the "GIMA" rebels? A group of New Order Agents infiltrated their channel, hoping to learn more about the organization from Bna'i, the self-proclaimed rebel leader.

Bna'i > you are one of the CODE.
Bna'i > just like a GOON pet too stupid to know his right from left
Agent 057 > I am accepting payments for mining permits.
Agent 057 > get yours or get ganked
Bna'i > you guys are a copy cat off of us
Bna'i > you know that right

The rebel leader was much more diligent about inspecting our heroes' credentials than Leutra had been. He leveled an extraordinary accusation against them: The New Order is nothing more than a rip-off of the anti-New Order alliance!

Bna'i > we were doin this yars ago
Bna'i > in highsec
Bna'i > GREATER ITAMO MAFIA
Bna'i > read the charter
Bna'i > you based you code off of it
Bna'i > u heard about us in Eve news no doubt'

Bna'i claimed his group had done everything the New Order had done, years ago. Yet his claims aroused suspicion, because no one could find anyone who had ever heard of him. Also, the whole "rebel alliance" gimmick kind of implies that there was some preexisting thing that they were rebelling against in the first place.

Crazy Bill Ovaert > we are kind
Crazy Bill Ovaert > and give miners the chance to repent their sins
Bna'i > you owe me money you fuckers
Bna'i > you think you can use my idea
Bna'i > and make money and not pay me
Bna'i > fuck that
Agent 057 > gets tear bucket

Agent Crazy Bill Ovaert attempted to explain to Bna'i the difference between the two groups. But Bna'i was only interested in venting his anger against the Order.

Bna'i > i hope you are getting that bucket to catch your fucking head when i cut it the fuck off
Agent 057 > you mad bro?
TearsForThePoor > mmmm those tears
Bna'i > mad about what
Bna'i > i just come for what you owe me
Bna'i > or your fucking head
Agent 057 > if you need a permit . . .let me know
Bna'i > i dont mine
Bna'i > Im a proffessional GOON and CODE. hunter

Our Agents felt compassion for the poor man. Bna'i went into fits of rage, which were punctuated by his protesting that he wasn't really mad. But he did seem mad.

Bna'i > We are here to fight for those who still resist
Bna'i > THE GIMA CONSORTIUM
Bna'i > For info join the "New Eden Resistance Network" Mailing list
Bna'i > we are the GIMA CODEBREAKERS

Out of nowhere, Bna'i called upon any neutrals in the convo to join his side.

xxBLACK SKULLxx 929 > brb tear bucket is full need to emty it
TearsForThePoor > I have a spare one Black
xxBLACK SKULLxx 929 > ty
Hikaru Inumakari > NEW ORDER DEATH DEALERS well your descrip is a lie....afk'rs and bots....petty liars
Hikaru Inumakari > New Order Logistics and this descrip....LOL i dare you all to fight a real war
Hikaru Inumakari > hmph and illegal mining ops accoring to your stupid blog.....your nothing but idiots who cant fight
Bna'i > You dumb shits you cant gank your way to an empire]

Another member of the rebel group, Hikaru Inumakari, condemned the New Order corps for their lack of honour.

Agent 057 > need to get a bigger bucket
Bna'i > like i sd im a professional GOON hunter
Hikaru Inumakari > yep code will soon have to dock up or run from fights in the war comes to them
Balthier Van-Graff > So you can gank a few miners. yay. But can yu fight a straight up war? Not a chance. Fucking noobs
Bna'i > We are the Anti CODE see..... GIMA CODEBREAKERS (-CODE) as the ticker
Bna'i > we are sooo anti you

Apparently abandoning all claims of originality, Bna'i declared that the entire purpose of GIMA's existence was to be the opposite of the New Order. In that much, he succeeded. The New Order has achieved nothing but victories, and GIMA, well... They do the other thing.

The Hard Sell, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... The Knights of the Order won a hard-fought battle against an Orca. Nearly half an hour later, the Orca pilot finally woke up and convo'ed Agent MotherSammy. Our hero recommended that the carebear pay 10 million isk for a permit, but she claimed she was down to her last 0.5 million isk, and couldn't get any more, because she couldn't mine.

After Part 1 of this post was published on MinerBumping, MotherSammy did Avacyn Eternal the favor of inviting her to read it. Avacyn was furious. She insisted that she wasn't really AFK for 25 minutes--she merely took 25 minutes to respond because she was busy "calming down". You can tell this is true, because she was so calm during that convo.

Avacyn also objected to the assertion that the mining drones found in her wreck had been used for mining. They weren't in use. The Orca was there to provide bonuses, clearly not a task that could have been performed AFK.

The EVEmail concluded with Avacyn's complaint that the MinerBumping post was "slanderous" and "borderline criminal". My dear Avacyn, there's no such thing as borderline criminal. Something is either right or wrong. Violating the Code by mining in highsec without my permission is as criminal as it gets. Now, on with the show.

MotherSammy and Avacyn's convo continued. Avacyn repeatedly insisted that she had been bankrupted by the New Order attack, and that she couldn't possibly pay.

MotherSammy was skeptical. What about the funds Avacyn would have received from the default insurance payout when her Orca blew up?

Avacyn suddenly realized she had the money all along. She still felt she needed a new Orca, though.

MotherSammy wouldn't let up. She interrogated Avacyn about her earlier claims of poverty.

Avacyn made another sudden realization: She wasn't down to her last 0.5 million isk; she was down to her last 0.5 billion isk. A simple mistake, I'm sure. When someone asks me for 10 million isk, I always tell them, "Sorry, I only have 0.5 billion."

Agent MotherSammy successfully established that Avacyn had plenty of money to spend on a permit. But Avacyn was slippery as an eel. What new excuse would she come up with?

Next, Avacyn made the outrageous claim that she had never heard of the New Order or its Code. Even if she'd been living under a rock for the last year, she still would have heard of us. People who mine rocks talk about us all the time.

Once again, a "new" player of more than four months in EVE. This is no excuse. I know of plenty of people who first read MinerBumping even before they came to EVE. As for the rest, you can't spent four months mining in highsec without "bumping" into us. We're the only thing the carebears ever talk about in local.

Avacyn opened her mouth to change feet. While making a disdainful remark about the Code, she admitted to watching YouTube videos during mining time. MotherSammy had her hands full with this carebear. Could she be saved?

To be continued...

Kills of the Week

The New Order is all about making highsec miners' dreams come true. Sadly, due to the self-destructive bot-aspirancy so commonly seen today, many miners' highsec dream has become a nightmare. The New Order must therefore swing into action and wake the carebears up. On that note, let's check out some wake-up calls that took place during the week of September 29th @ 00:00 EVEtime through October 5th @ 23:59 EVEtime.

KILLMAIL

Knights of the Order love a good fish fry. Among the Orcas killed this week was Aggiego, who wasn't fooling anyone with his token shield mods. He lost over 900 million isk when Agents xxBLACK SKULLxx 929, Kristos Valamache, Agent 057, D400, Tyranis Gord, Maestro Ulv, DeepBlueMax, Darkstar22, admiral root, Pacanes Omega, Zane Arnolles, PanzarPanda, Riemansum, Backbastarea, and Capt Starfox rallied together and put him out of his misery.

(And yes, I realize that orcas are mammals rather than fish, since they have hair, produce milk, are warm-blooded, breathe air, etc. But since EVE Orcas do none of those things, I consider them to be fish.)

KILLMAIL

Rumtum Digger thought he was as clever as could be, hiding a Michi's Excavation Augmentor among his other implants. The name "Digger" gave him away, though. Enhanced mining abilities in the head of a Code violator? That needed to be removed. So Agent D400 carefully extracted the implant. Sadly, nothing could be salvaged after the operation, so Rumtum Digger was 2 billion isk poorer. Rumtum, please remember that there is a 10 million isk copay for all health care received in highsec.

Seeing only one hope for highsec, The Tension decided to enlist in the New Order. He joined us with a bang, as you can see:

Yes, after being bumped long enough, Tiger fun went crazy and got himself CONCORDed in a faction battleship Vindicator worth 1.5 billion isk. purebegoid was lucky enough to get in on the killmail, which he linked for all to see.

KILLMAIL

We've got the rebels on the run. Like cockroaches, they skitter and skulk around highsec. Kevin Blakin attempted to transport an unlicensed Mackinaw in the cargo of his new Tayra, along with other contraband totaling over a billion isk. TheMeanPerson taught Kevin a very important lesson: The sun may set, giving cover to the creatures of the night, but the sun also rises. The New Order is a rising sun indeed, and a carebear's crimes will always come to light.

KILLMAIL

Sigh.

Seaarmorer didn't do himself any favors when he decided to fit up a tech I industrial Bestower with 400 million isk of cargo. Agent D400 was not even mildly intimidated by Seaarmorer's fit, which included a small laser and a hull repairer. D400 easily won the duel, and the mean streets of Uedama got a little nicer that day. One less criminal to worry about.

And the Beat Goes On

The best miners don't need to be ganked before they learn to buy a permit and follow the Code. Some miners come to their senses after being ganked once. Other miners need to be ganked two or three or four times. As the number of times they've been ganked goes up, the probability that they'll follow the Code approaches 100%.

This is where teamwork comes in. After a Knight of the Order ganks a carebear, the carebear will continue to be vulnerable to attacks by other Agents until he surrenders. Dr Wiwwy and Agent 057 happened upon illegal miner TDD Dominaters. They recognized him. They killed him.

TDD didn't bother convo'ing the Knights who destroyed his Mackinaw. Instead, he rekindled his friendship with Agent Malcolm Shinhwa. You'll recall that TDD was the subject of two MinerBumping posts this August. Long story short, TDD made a fool of himself, forcing his corp's CEO to ride to the rescue by paying off Malcolm in the amount of 100 million isk.

Rebel miners often argue with our Agents. The result is always the same. Our Agents are just as formidable in private convos as they are on the battlefield.

Malcolm still had a link to the screenshots of his convo with TDD's old boss. TDD's chance to win the argument was quickly slipping through his fingers.

TDD didn't realize that Lenda Shinhwa was Malcolm Shinhwa's alt. It's ironic: Normally, rebels love to accuse everyone of being everyone else's alts.

TDD finally got to the point, explaining why he had an axe to grind. His ship had been blown up. Typical carebear--it always comes down to money.

Malcolm asked TDD the same question every crying carebear should be asked: "Well, did you have a permit?" TDD didn't want to buy a permit, but he didn't want to deal with the consequences of not having one. His sense of entitlement was staggering.

TDD couldn't link his lossmail, but he said that someone named "sean" was "in his account". An admission of illegal account sharing?

The conversation hit a rough patch. TDD didn't know what a "km" was, and didn't know how to link a killmail. Now, before any of you start calling out the New Order for picking on new players, remember what we've learned: "New" players are never actually new. TDD has been playing EVE for nearly eight months. That's more than thirty weeks playing the same video game. I've said it before, but it's surprising how little you can learn after AFK mining for that long.

Because the New Order loves to help people learn about the game, Malcolm patiently explained how to find a lossmail and link it in chat. Thus was Malcolm able to see the Mackinaw kill in the first screenshot of this blog post.

When Malcolm asked how he was to blame for TDD getting himself busted for illegal mining again, TDD started to huff and puff. If you've been in the business of helping miners long enough, you can tell when they're building up to a tear "climax".

TDD concluded the conversation by blowing his stack. Did he buy a permit and turn to the Code? No, not this time. But having been ganked once again, the probability of his Code-compliance ticked upward one more tick. All Agents of the New Order, take heart: If a miner refuses you, it's only a matter of time before more Agents pick up where you left off.