A Brilliant Swell of Tears, Part 1

Want to play EVE at its most extreme? Live life to the fullest? Become an Agent of the New Order. In our line of work, every second counts, and the stakes are as big as you can imagine. For example:

Whew! It was a close-run thing, but Agent Tisiphone Dira managed to destroy the Bestower illegally piloted by Brilliants Well, an undocumented carebear. The fail-fit industrial was loaded with nearly 200 million isk of Nocxium.

Despite his expensive cargo, Brilliants claimed to be a new player who had no idea about the existence of the Code. I keep saying CCP should put it in the tutorial, but as of yet they haven't--so much for the new player experience. As a result, it's up to our Agents to do the tutoring. Tisiphone explained that all cargo transported by unlicensed pilots is considered contraband.

Allegedly only "a couple days" into the game, Brilliants had already swallowed whole the myth that in-game sovereignty dictates everything. He didn't know about CodeSov.

The carebear refused to accept the authority of the New Order. He accused Tisiphone of being a pirate and demanded that she stop pretending to be part of a government. Brilliants couldn't stand to see MMORPG players pretending to be something they're not.

When Tisiphone refused to back down, Brilliants terminated their private convo. Now the matter would be decided in the court of public opinion: Uttindar local.

The alleged gank victim presented his case to Uttindar. EVE players can be a skeptical bunch, though. They aren't inclined to believe someone simply because they say they're a victim.

In fact, some in Uttindar felt the hauler pilot was probably to blame for the gank. Brilliants was caught off guard.

Tisiphone's reputation had been built up over the course of a long career of Code enforcement. One accusation wouldn't be enough to bring it down.

Frustrated by the lack of public outcry, Brilliants repeatedly challenged our Agent to a duel. He demanded satisfaction. Tisiphone ganked Brilliants' rookie ship. Still the carebear was not satisfied.

Brilliants' profanity-laden challenge didn't go over well with the people of Uttindar. He just didn't get modern highsec culture.

Tisiphone chilled out in a station while her GCC timer ran down. Her relaxed, confident demeanor was set in sharp contrast to the teary fulminations of Brilliants Well.

About 50 minutes after the original gank, Brilliants' psyche suffered a total collapse. He engaged in the carebear's last resort: Spamming local.

Public opinion turned totally against the spammer. Did Brilliants have any hope of getting justice for his Bestower?

To be continued...

The Day the Miner Fought Back, Part 2

Previously, on MinerBumping... An elite unit of New Order gankers converged on the Anyed system in Genesis. They detected a Hulk pilot illegally mining alongside an Orca alt. As they prepared to execute a terrific gank, the Hulk pilot set up an ambush by swapping out his exhumer for a Stratios. Our heroes arrived and promptly ganked the Stratios instead.

The carebear's characters, dutchkiwi and Pureminer Pava, had been completely outfoxed by the New Order. Cynics might say that it's no big deal to outsmart a highsec carebear. However, when you consider the tens of thousands of carebears we've ganked, it's impressive that they've never been able to out-think us even once. The law of averages needs to be revised to account for the fact that the CODE always wins.

Pureminer saw things in a completely different light. He believed he'd gotten the better of our Agents. After all, they'd originally intended to kill a Hulk, and they killed a Stratios instead.

On the other hand, said Stratios was worth 323 million isk, and Hulks these days are averaging about 235 million. Pureminer lost around 90 million isk more than if he'd remained in the Hulk. Or he could've docked up or warped out and lost no ship at all. Miners don't make the best strategists, I've found.

Agent Get Well Soon tried to reason with the carebear. But Pureminer fell victim to miner logic. The Stratios was "free".

Pureminer's alt, dutchkiwi, poured out more invective. This was a sharp escalation in rhetoric: Usually miners tell New Order representatives to get cancer or AIDS, not all illnesses. Also, he wanted Get Well Soon to drop dead at the same time. I'm not sure how that would work, but maybe if you used a Phoenix Down on our Agent, he'd be revived but still have all the status ailments.

The calm miner told our Agent that he hoped his country was consumed by terrorist attacks. This was a pretty reckless statement, especially since the miner hadn't yet confirmed that he and Get Well Soon didn't both live in the same country.

Pureminer Pava, the very picture of tranquility and contentment, continued to rage in local. He must've really been missing his free ship.

By this point, the carebear was boiling over with calmness. He imagined himself committing acts of desecration, grave robbing, and necrophilia. In-game, one supposes.

In spite of everything, Get Well Soon remained professional. He earnestly hoped Pureminer would buy a permit. Isn't that something? He genuinely wished the miner well.

Anyed local bore witness to the biggest contrast in highsec. The difference between Agent and rebel was laid bare for all to see. Is it any wonder that the forces of Order are gaining strength, while the rebels are shrinking into nothingness?

Kills of the Week

Highsec has changed, and for the better. More people are tanking up, fewer are autopiloting. However, our goal is not to improve highsec; we want to perfect it. Despite the progress we've made, too many bot-aspirants are falling behind. Now it's time for our Agents to push highsec to its limits, teaching the carebears that they have it within themselves to become true EVE players. Let's see how they did! The following are some examples of the motivation and training supplied by our Agents during the week of July 26th @ 00:00 EVEtime through August 1st @ 23:59 EVEtime.

KILLMAIL

seawall Aideron had a Proteus, a ship perfectly capable of shooting back. But seawall had other ideas. He equipped six cargo expanders, disengaged his cloak, and went on autopilot. When the time came for PvP, he wasn't there to shoot back. Luckily, our heroes were prepared to take the lead and initiate the PvP themselves. seawall was promptly destroyed by Agents loyalanon, Sophia Soprano, and 412nv Yaken.

KILLMAIL

The Riddla had a 7.8 billion isk jump freighter, and he needed to get through the Niarja system in a hurry. Riddle me this, dear reader: Why didn't The Riddla follow the Code? Answer: Because he was a bot-aspirant! Agents BoneyTooth Thompkins, FOEHAMMER006, V1P3RR, Orvy, holdmybeer, loyalanon, Daggoth Ur, Thraxorh, Fightsquad, Abira Saleem, Globby, Leah Virpio, Asmo Deam, 10 inch, Growler Dude, Angelos Dallocort, Eladaris, Kelt Antollare, Arkitektite, Sjugar02, CatanaFleet Red, Nitetime Video, Jakec Risalo, Neofelis Nebulosa, Vladimir Samborskiy, Fabulous Andy, Daniel Audanie, Rafiki Zateki, Jason Kusion, Zofren Zulrander, ShadowBlazie, Nyleria, Jacob Vanderkooi, and Zed Flake solved the riddle and killed the carebear.

The Riddla was furious over his loss. But if he didn't want to be ganked, he shouldn't have tried to stump the Niarja gankers with his riddle.

Truthfully, The Riddla can't help himself. Just two days earlier, he lost another 7.1 billion isk Nomad, also in Niarja. His ship was riddled with bullets.

KILLMAIL

True Hauler was nothing of the sort. A true hauler pilot would have purchased a permit and followed the Code. Granted, he did have some tank on his ship, but not nearly enough to protect him against elite PvP'ers like Agents Capt Starfox, ThatOleSerpent, Sophia Soprano, loyalanon, Lament von Gankenheim, Globby, Sherman Cohenberg, SlutyMcSlut, Sterling Cohenberg, Silvester Cohenberg, Stein Cohenberg, and Stanley Cohenberg.

The carebear then claimed to be a ganker who helps CODEdot on their ganks. No true Agent.

KILLMAIL

Tina Burri was another pilot who brought a ship that could shoot back. It was a destroyer, the same class of ships that our Agents enjoy so much. Unlike our Agents, Tina decided to fail-fit her combat vessel. Agents Carebears' Nightmare, Brutal Anna, and Rick Therapist had no trouble besting Tina in PvP, even though Tina's ship was worth much more than all of theirs combined.

The destroyer contained a PLEX. Some people take the idea of "isk tanking" too literally, it would seem.

KILLMAIL

Are you kidding me?

Sadly, Kender Marigold's 4 billion isk shuttle was all too real. Agent PV Rock caught her while she was trying to smuggle 4 PLEX through New Order territory. As PV Rock added the 4 billion isk to his Thrasher fund, another Agent convo'ed Kender to find out what she was thinking.

Little Mittens > Kill: Kender Marigold (Gallente Shuttle) why the plex tank
Kender Marigold > Does it really matter?
Kender Marigold > How the fuck can you tank concord in 0.9?
Kender Marigold > I know you can tank cannons in low, but you're not supposed to be able to live for 2 minutes in high
Kender Marigold > Especially in a destroyer
Kender Marigold > in 0.9
Kender Marigold > And I haven't been around for 5 years, I had no idea what's going on around here.

It was another case of Rip Van Carebear. After taking a long break from EVE, Kender returned to discover, to her amazement, how much better highsec is these days.

Kender Marigold > I hadn't even started training for more than 10 minutes lol
Kender Marigold > We're talking JUST back after a 5 year hiatus
PV Rock > Well, welcome back! You certainly made an explosive return
Kender Marigold > Anyways. Have fun ganking the other noobs. I am going to immolate myself and jump up and down in a bathtub full of broken glass and lemon juice
Kender Marigold > See ya around.

Whether it takes minutes or years, the New Order will uncover every carebear crime. Caution: We're getting more efficient all the time.

KILLMAIL

The Pod of the Week goes to Ventura Stasarik, whose 2.8 billion isk monstrosity was also popped by Agent PV Rock. The kill narrowly edged out Agent Aaaarrgg's 2.7 billion isk pod kill. But Ventura Stasarik's pod death also came after a 1.3 billion isk freighter loss.

Freighter pilots love to claim that they weren't AFK. They rage against the bump mechanics. Don't be fooled. In many of these cases, the freighter pilot loses his pod, too, which is further evidence of his AFK status. Ventura's case was especially egregious--PV Rock ganked his pod using a Brutix.

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #85

Highsec reached a major milestone today. As I was about to begin preparing the latest edition of the Grab Bag, I discovered something marvelous: There were no new carebear tears to report! After three years, it seems the PvE population has finally grown up a bit. Well done.

Of course I was only joking. You knew better than that, dear reader.

Let's begin today's Grab Bag by tying up a few loose ends. Here, we see the prequel to ClawingBear RoundTree's EVEmail to me in a previous MinerBumping post, I Wasn't AFK, I Was Just...

And in response to a request I made for a Russian translator in the last Grab Bag:

The mysterious "bell tower" remark is thus clarified. Now we can move on.

Arclite Vakarian is the latest to complain that the New Order of Highsec governs highsec instead of nullsec.

The truth is, someone needs to clean up highsec, and it might as well be the organization dedicated to cleaning up highsec. I always felt this made sense, but apparently some EVE players find it unintuitive.

Goat The-Admiral > jurking around in high sec ganking kiddie miners
Mal Warre > calm yourself miner
Goat The-Admiral > Im very calm
Goat The-Admiral > I just dont like basement dwellering taking time out of there day to stoke there egos
Mal Warre > for someone who isn;t mad you really like throwing about cliched insults
Goat The-Admiral > Drink bleach
Goat The-Admiral > End of dialog

"I am a calm miner, I just..."

This is a great story. Nelli Veloce, a new player, had her Venture ganked by Agent Rekang. But Rekang was even newer than Nelli--having played EVE for less than 24 hours before scoring his first kill. Even better, Nelli ended up purchasing a mining permit. You don't need to have tens of millions of skillpoints and a bunch of allies or expensive ships to make your mark in EVE. All you need is the Code.

At the risk of mixing metaphors, Kayleth Swiftblade wasn't the swiftest knife in the drawer.

Kayleth bought into the theory--popular among some carebears--that CCP isn't sure whether or not ganking should be allowed in highsec. They have spent the last decade or so trying to make up their minds.

When confronted with evidence of CCP's intent, such carebears lose their temper and try to push us into gazenvagen.

Why does the CODE always win (always)? Because people like Ryscantor are my "worst possible enemy". Ryscantor was right about one thing, though: He won't receive any fame for his heroic acts taking me down.

Meanwhile, in Anti-Ganking...

These guys have a long way to go before they become Ryscantor-level threats.

There are a lot of things you could say about this EVEmail. So many things. But I can't get past the fact that the miner's name is the breakster. Is that wrong?

It's becoming ridiculous how many carebears and their loved ones are supposedly getting injured or otherwise physically incapacitated IRL at the very moment our Agents gank them. Maybe highsec really is more dangerous than null.

Top Supporters for July 2015

Each month, MinerBumping immortalizes its top isk contributors in a hall of fame post. The "Month's Top Supporters" sidebar will begin showing the current month's supporters in a few days. You can view the August 2012, September, October, November, December, January 2013, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, January 2014, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, January 2015, February, March, April, May, and June top 10 lists at the appropriate links.

Here are our top isk contributors for July 2015:

TOP SUPPORTERS
July 2015


#1. Saskia Laru
2,500,000,000 isk


#2. Hrothgar Nilsson
1,315,000,000 isk


#3. krinan Orlenard
450,000,000 isk


#4. Yildez
400,000,000 isk


#5. Impreza Yatolila
315,000,000 isk


#6. Sagahin Kovach
270,000,000 isk


#7. ST0NER SMURF
215,000,000 isk


#8. Ben Li
111,000,000 isk


#9. Badger Nippletaster
105,000,000 isk


#10. Ajaxxe Katelo
100,000,000 isk
What a month! It truly looks like there is no end in sight for the New Order's victories. Carebears, time to drop your bot-aspirancy and jump aboard the winning team's bandwagon. And while you're at it, why not throw in some isk for shares, to prove to yourself and others that you've really changed?